Chapter 10
I’d tried to see Porter the very next day, but Leandra had kept me busy with chores and child care. And then at dinnertime, I was reminded that it was my night with Lehi.
Thoughts of Porter had reigned the entire day. Somehow I knew those thoughts had no plans to retreat from my brain and I’d be unable to escape him while laying with my husband.
And I was right.
Lehi arrived at my bedroom shortly after dinner.
“Is now a good time?” Lehi asked after knocking on my door and peeking his head in.
“Yes.” I gestured for him to enter the room. When he closed the door, he turned to me and frowned, so I asked, “Is everything all right?”
Lehi cleared his throat. “I’d expected you to be ready. That’s all.”
“Oh.” I was confused. I’d worn my standard nightgown and my hair was pulled into its French braid.
Lehi rubbed his finger across his lips and it dawned on me. I’d forgotten to paint my face.
“Oh,” I said. “I could—if you’ll just give me a few minutes, I can—”
I’d been so wrapped up in thoughts of Porter that I’d forgotten to prepare for Lehi and his desires. As indifferent as I was to sex with my husband, I had no intention of raising any suspicions in his mind. He couldn’t, and wouldn’t, know about Porter as long as I played my expected part.
“No.” He shook his head, arms crossed in front of his chest, pursing his lips with irritation. “I suppose this is fine.”
He stood next to the bed, waiting for me to join him, asserting his control, reminding me that he’d allowed me to skip painting my face. It was not my decision.
“I’m sorry, Lehi. Honestly, I was just . . . I forgot.”
“It’s all right. It just makes me wonder if you don’t look forward to our time together the way I do.” His voice was calm, almost soothing. The wrinkles next to his eyes stretched as he spoke.
I was again confused by his words. Lehi looked forward to our time together? I was number seven of eight, and even though I was obedient in the bedroom, I was pretty certain that after three years of laying with my husband, I was still rather clueless when it came to intercourse.
“What is it?” he asked, running his fingers down my braid as he peered into my eyes.
“You look forward to . . . to me?”
“Of course, my beautiful girl.”
I didn’t like being called “girl.” Not by Leandra and certainly not by Lehi. But I swallowed my irritation, forcing myself to replace the cringe that was begging to be released with an obedient smile.
Keep sweet. Keep sweet. Keep sweet.
“Tell me,” he continued, moving his hand to the back of my neck. The rough calluses from his hand scraped my skin, and I forced myself not to pull away. “Do you think about me when I’m not here?”
Why all the questions?
Does he know something?
Did Rebecca tell him about the afternoon in Porter’s apartment?
“Uh, yes,” I said, my cheeks growing hot. “Of course, yes.”
“Good. Lay down.”
Following the instructions I’d been given, I pulled back the quilt of my bed before unbuttoning my nightgown, letting it fall to the floor in a puddle at my feet. Three years of intercourse with Lehi. Three years of letting him touch me and enter me and own me. Throughout all those years not once had I ever felt naked.
Until now.
Lehi waited for me to lie down on the bed before removing his clothing. He stared down at my bare breasts as he stripped himself of his shirt and pants.
I don’t want this. I don’t want this.
Just as every time before this, our intercourse followed the same pattern. He pushed into me and I struggled to relax my muscles, allowing him in. The whiskers of his beard scratched the surface of my skin like the needles of a porcupine, and I closed my eyes at the uncomfortable sensation. As he continued, my mind wandered and I pretended. Oh, did I pretend.
Instead of Lehi’s rigid body, the heat of Porter was now above me, entering me again and again. The hot breath on my arm was Porter’s, evidence of his desire for me. I imagined his blue eyes focused on mine as he ran his fingers through my hair, igniting something inside me I never thought possible.
The pulsing I’d awoken to several times in the past month returned, this time while laying with my husband. Lost in thoughts of Porter, I drove my hips forward, matching his momentum and his desire for me. Again and again, I thrust the lower half of my body, determined to show Porter exactly how he made me feel.
“That’s it, that’s my girl,” a gruff voice said against my shoulder and I gasped. Lehi had pulled me from my fantasy and dropped me unhappily into reality. My eyes shot open and I stared up at the ceiling, horrified at the feel of his skin against mine, like sandpaper against the soft, delicate curves of a porcelain cup.
When Lehi groaned and collapsed on my chest, a tear slid from my eye. A tear of guilt.
I’d just cheated on my husband, which made me the lowest of the low. Even though he’d been the one to lay with me, I’d forgotten all about him and had given myself to another man in my mind.
When the tear rolled down my cheek and dropped to my bare shoulder, I knew. It was done.
I was damned.
Lehi pulled his boxer shorts on and turned to me. “I’ve never seen you like that. I could tell how turned on you were, the way you moved. It was sexy.”
“Oh,” I muttered, pulling myself to a seated position in the bed, pulling the covers to my breasts, noting the sensation against my taut nipple.
“You’re coming into your own. That’s a good thing.”
“Thank you.” I nodded.
“I hope you’ll be like that from now on. It was enjoyable for me, that’s for certain.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I gripped the sheet, realizing with dread that I’d changed everything between my husband and myself. I’d changed my role and altered his expectations. If he’d only known why I moved that way, why my hips thrust against his, and why my private parts throbbed with anticipation and lust.
I was so ashamed, utterly and completely ashamed. How could I have done this? How could I have let myself spin so out of control and deceive my husband?
And Heavenly Father. I had sinned against Heavenly Father in an unforgivable manner.
As desperately as I wanted to be forgiven, I wasn’t sure that was even possible. In fact, I was pretty certain my fate had been sealed.
I was damned.
And it scared me to death.