Chapter 7
Rebecca was avoiding me. Even though three weeks had passed since she’d read the letter from Burt, she wouldn’t look me in the eye. She volunteered to assist Leandra in her sewing projects, even though she’d told me weeks ago that she despised sewing. Leandra was selective about who she’d ask to assist her, and I was one of the many who were banned from her tiny little sewing room in the garage.
When Lehi and I had first married, Leandra had attempted to take me under her wing, to teach me everything she knew about creating dresses, bedding, and curtains for the family. But after just one week with me as her apprentice, she was done.
“You’re not ready, dear,” is what Leandra had said to me. What I knew she wanted to say was this: “You can’t sew a straight line, you’ve ruined a dress I’ve worked on for weeks, and you butcher the fabric when you cut it.” And she would have been absolutely right in telling me those things, if she could have ignored the command to “keep sweet” and held back her emotions. Regardless, I knew I was no longer allowed in that room.
But Rebecca was another situation entirely. She hated sewing, since in Burt’s household she had been in charge of mending any holes in the children’s clothes and creating bedding for the newborn babies. She told me she had hoped for a fresh start in her duties when she joined our family. But Leandra was smart—she saw the talent that Rebecca possessed, and she noticed a break in the bond she and I had formed when Rebecca first joined the family. She took every advantage of our estrangement and kept Rebecca busy in the garage.
I missed her, and my heart broke for Burt as I wondered how long he had stood by that tree, hoping Rebecca would tiptoe toward him in the darkness. How long he stood there before he gave up, before he resigned himself to a life without her, the woman he felt he’d die without?
So I kept busy. Busy hands helped me avoid thoughts of Rebecca or Burt or Porter.
Porter.
That face. His face. It kept popping into my thoughts several times a day. When I was washing dishes, especially, remembering the suds splattering around him when I’d surprised him with my presence. Last night, I’d even dreamed about him.
When I woke from my dream, I sank to the floor, perching myself on my knees, praying to Heavenly Father to forgive me for my sins. To forgive my unclean thoughts about a man who wasn’t kind to me. He took the Lord’s name in vain and even yelled a few times. But his touch, the way it felt on the skin of my wrist . . . it was a mixture of fire and ice, both a push and a pull, simultaneously a scream and a whisper. His eyes, the way they softened and looked protective when he raised his concerns about my pills.
He intrigued me.
Enough to dream about. Bad thoughts. Good thoughts. Him touching me in other areas. Not just the soft inner skin of my wrist where he could feel my blood pulsing, flowing, my body trembling.
His hands were everywhere in my thoughts.
Everywhere.
When I woke, I was throbbing. My hand moved to that part of me only Lehi had touched.
What was that?
Young girls in our community weren’t taught about sex, not even the least little bit. All we were told was that it must be reserved for our husband. That was all, and it wasn’t nearly enough.
My wedding night was proof of that . . .
? ? ?
My first time with Lehi had been frightening, uncomfortable, and awkward. I was nineteen, and we’d just been married in the common area of the Cluff home. Our honeymoon was two nights away at a motel in Colorado City. Money was tight, but it was important to Lehi that all of his wives be given special alone time after their celestial vows.
The bedding of the motel room gave me hives. It was an odd tan color with swirls of chocolate and cream tones. The ivory-colored sheets smelled of mildew, and even now, three years later, I could smell it when I remembered that night.
“Would you like to watch television?” Lehi had asked when we’d settled into the drafty room.
“Um . . .” My mouth was agape, not knowing if my new husband was testing my loyalty to the laws of our church. Television was not allowed—was he tricking me?”
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. I watch when I travel for work. It’s actually entertaining.”
“Oh,” I said, having never seen anything on a television screen before. “Whatever you like.”
Lehi had stripped himself of his jacket, draping it on the armchair in the corner, and grabbed a small black device from the table. He pressed a button and the machine turned on! I’d never seen anything like it.
Lehi chuckled. “Have you never seen a television before, my dear?”
I shook my head. “No, sir.”
“Your mother never took you to Walmart? Or Target?”
“Yes, sir, she did. But we weren’t allowed in that section of the store. Sometimes when we were in the baby section, we could hear the televisions, but I never saw them. And I have no idea what that is,” I said, gesturing to the small machine in his hand.
“It’s a remote. Watch.” He pressed a button on it that made the television pause and then change to another program. “You know,” he said, “we can rent a movie.”
“Rent?”
“Yes, they have movies. Special ones that might help.”
“Help?” I didn’t understand. “What could we possibly need help with?”
“Us.” He walked to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, a half smile peeking out from behind his beard. “The movies will show you how to please me. You want to please me, don’t you, Brinley?”
My nerves stood on end and my breathing quickened. I knew what response he expected, so I nodded.
“Good. A movie it is.”
He walked to the television set, inspecting a cardboard advertisement of some type. Retrieving the small remote once again, he punched in several numbers and I gasped as three naked people appeared on the screen, two women and one man. I’d never seen a man’s penis before, or other women’s breasts or private areas.
My stomach churned and I looked to Lehi for answers when one woman climbed on top of the man and began rocking up and down on him. Was that what he wanted me to do? Rock on top of him? Was that what sex was?
The other woman stroked her hands over his back as she watched the two together, which disturbed me. All my life, I’d been told that sex was saved for your husband. Not your husband and another person. Who was this woman and why was she taking part in this intimate act between husband and wife?
“They’re actors,” Lehi said. “Just watch them and when you’re turned on, tell me. Then we’ll begin.”
“Turned on?”
Lehi laughed again and crossed the room, running his hand over my French braid. “You’re so young, aren’t you? I have so much to teach you.”
“I—”
I didn’t have a chance to answer him because he thrust his mouth against my lips, and forced them apart with his tongue. His teeth crashed into mine as he thrust his tongue into my mouth. I gasped at the aggressive nature of his touch—Lehi had always been kind and gentle with me, but this was a new side of him that I hadn’t seen. Fear built in my gut as I wondered how this would progress.
“I want you,” he whispered when he finally removed his mouth from mine.
The sounds of moaning came from the television, and I could feel his penis growing hard next to my thigh. I wanted to scream, to run, to hide. But I knew I couldn’t. This was the way to my salvation. To my Heavenly Father’s kingdom.
I was put on this earth to marry and serve Lehi, to birth and raise his children, and to spend eternity with him in heaven. He said he’d teach me, and I had to be willing to learn.
Lehi unbuttoned the pearl buttons of my cotton wedding dress before lifting it above my head. He then removed my long underwear, and instinctively I covered my breasts and private area with my hands. The corners of Lehi’s mouth raised in satisfaction as he took in the sight of me.
“You’re so firm,” he said, running his hand across my bottom. When I looked puzzled, he said, “Your muscles, your skin, it’s firm. And it’s turning me on.”
That was the second time he’d referenced being “turned on.” I still had no idea what he meant by it, other than he clearly was impressed with my body. I was slim with average-sized breasts, but I’d never compared myself to any of the other women in the compound. Yet as I glanced at the women on the television, I felt quite inadequate. Their breasts were large and round, and mine seemed to sag in comparison to theirs that stood at attention.
“Do you see what she’s doing?” Lehi asked, pushing on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. When I looked at the television, I was horrified to see that one of the women—the one who had been watching the couple earlier—had the man’s penis in her mouth and was moving her mouth up and down it. I swallowed hard, hoping to suppress the hysteria that built within my chest.
“Yes, sir,” I croaked.
Lehi unzipped his zipper, then pushed his pants down to his ankles. He reached for my hands and pulled me up as high as I would go without leaving my knees.
“Do it.”
I shook my head. “But I don’t know how.”
“I’ll teach you. You have to learn, Brinley. This is the only way. Watch her and then do it. Come on.”
My fingers trembled as I pulled down his stark white boxer shorts, which dropped to his ankles along with his pants. He was still wearing his socks and shoes. My stomach twisted and turned as his penis, standing up straight against his midsection, seemed to be staring at me.
“Come on,” Lehi ordered, his voice growing impatient.
I took one last glance at the woman on the television screen. She was making all sorts of noises as she moved up and down his most private part. The man leaned back, groaning. I could only imagine that she was pleasing him, and that Lehi expected me to make his face contort like the man on the screen.
Mimicking the movements of the woman on the screen, I wrapped my hand around the base of his penis, then moved it up and down.
“Your mouth, use your mouth,” Lehi whispered, his voice raspy.
I couldn’t avoid it any longer. My heart raced and my stomach churned as I placed my lips on the tip of his penis.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Lehi said, and placed his fingers in my hair, pushing my head farther down.
In shock, I snapped my eyes open. The taste of it, of him, was repulsive, and I fought the gag reflex that threatened to empty my stomach. I tried to pull away, but Lehi held my head steady.
“Keep going,” he said. “You’re doing fine.”
Disgusted, I moved my head up and down again and again until Lehi tapped me on the shoulder.
“That’s enough for now,” he said. “Lay down on the bed.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?” Lehi narrowed his eyes at me.
I’d been calling him sir since meeting him the first time with our prophet. But I’d expected that eventually he would no longer expect that of me. Apparently, however, it was still very much expected.
“Okay, sir.”
“That’s a good girl,” he said, tapping my bottom before ripping my underpants off and throwing them to the floor. “Lay down.”
I did as I was told, despite feeling exposed and overwhelmed. The people on the screen were still grunting and groaning. Lehi took one last look at them before spitting into his hand and rubbing it on his penis.
“Wrap your legs around my back. Don’t say a word. It will hurt at first, but do your best to relax.”
Lehi spread my legs apart, then crawled over me and pushed his penis into my opening. The muscles of my private area fought against his entry, pushing him away. But he didn’t care; he just pushed harder until his chest was flat against mine. Searing pain spread through the lower half of my body and I bit down so hard on my lip, I tasted the metallic taste of blood inside my mouth.
“You’re so tight,” he choked out as he grunted in my ear. “Oh, I’ve missed this.”
Missed this? What did he miss?
I didn’t understand, but had already been warned to keep silent. I’d have to ask him later. All I could do was pray to Heavenly Father to make the pain end. To make his hot breath on my shoulder go away, to make this agony stop.
The Lord answered my prayer. Lehi grunted, gritting his teeth as he made his final push into me. He twitched and sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, then collapsed onto my chest and ran his hand down my neck.
“We are now forever linked. Husband and wife. Well done, Brinley.”
I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak or not, so I nodded behind tightly closed eyes. Relief came in the form of his penis growing soft and sliding out of me. Lehi moved to sit on the side of the bed, leaning his hands into the mattress.
“I’m going to take a shower, and then we’ll sleep. You’ll want to clean yourself up. Quite a bit of blood on the sheets.”
Blood? I bled?
I managed to hold it together long enough for Lehi to walk into the small bathroom and close the door, then turn on the shower. But I couldn’t contain the bile rising in my throat after seeing the small pool of blood on the ivory sheet. I hobbled to the sink, thanking God that it was outside the bathroom, then ran the water before heaving my dinner down the drain.
I knew that I had pleased Lehi, but my body felt like it had been robbed of something sacred, and I felt a tremendous sense of loss.
Once my heaving had stopped, I rinsed my mouth with water and wiped my private areas with a washcloth, then threw it in the garbage knowing that the blood had stained it permanently.
The man and women were still groaning in the background. I couldn’t take it anymore. While the water still poured from Lehi’s shower, I found the remote. I stared at it, wondering how I could turn off the sight of the sinful people on the screen. I fumbled with it again and again until finally I found the power button and it turned off.
The silence was freeing and peaceful. When his shower had ended, Lehi joined me in kneeling at the side of the bed and saying a prayer to our Lord, thanking him for our celestial union and for the consummation that had bound us together.
When he joined me in bed, I was surprised that Lehi welcomed me to sleep beside him so that his chest warmed my back. He stroked my back with his hands, easing my muscles and the racing thoughts of my brain.
“You’re a lovely girl. Do you know that?”
Trying hard not to tremble, I mumbled, “Thank you,” and stared at the wall.
“I’m going to take very good care of you.” He kneaded my shoulder with his fingers, making me uncomfortable.
“I know.”
“Do you have any questions, you know, about what we did?”
I hesitated, unsure if I should ask what was on my mind. But that tiny little brave voice in my mind took over. “You said you’d missed me being tight, but . . . we’ve never, um . . . we’ve never done that before, so—”
“Oh.” He laughed. “All of my wives have birthed babies. They’re not as tight as they once were. It’s been a while since I’ve been intimate with a virgin. Almost three years, I think, with Aspen.”
“Oh, I see.”
“It’ll get easier for you, don’t worry.”
“Okay.”
“And next time, I’ll have a surprise for you.”
My heart raced, not sure I could handle any other surprises. Our entire encounter that evening had been shocking enough.
“Oh?” I asked, feigning interest.
“Have you ever worn makeup, Brinley?”
“You mean, on my face?”
I hadn’t, although I’d always been fascinated by the women of the outside world. Their lips so pink, all kinds of colors on their eyelids, their rosy cheeks. It had never been allowed, but I’d always been slightly envious of those women.
“No.”
“Well, I know you’ll enjoy it. I’ll buy you some when we go into town tomorrow. You can even pick your first colors.”
“All right.”
Lehi had yawned into my neck. “Time to rest. Good night.”
But I hadn’t sleep much that night. Like the movie on the screen, our encounter had played through my mind over and over again, making me wince and cry.
I was in no rush to do that again, but had somehow known it wouldn’t be long before I’d be forced to relive it. At the time, I didn’t know how many times I’d be expected to perform those acts during our stay at the motel, but I took solace from the fact that once home, he would have the opportunity to lay with the other wives, as well.
? ? ?
In the three years we’d been married, my private area had never throbbed at the thought of Lehi’s touch, or in response to it while he was touching me. Never. Not once.
But my dreams of Porter had left a pulsing that was agonizing and enticing all at the same time. When thoughts of sex with Lehi forced the throbbing to disappear, I was disappointed and left wanting.
I wanted Porter to touch me again.
But for him to touch me would be the greatest sin imaginable.
I was Lehi’s, bound to him for eternity. I could jeopardize everything I was raised to strive for—a place in the celestial kingdom with our Heavenly Father, with my husband, and with our children.
Porter Hammond knew better than anyone that the prophet could have you removed from our community in an instant. He was proof of that. I didn’t want to end up like Porter. I had to be more careful, more in control of my thoughts and dreams. And I had to stay away from him, no matter how tempted I might become when waking from a dream where his lips caressed my thighs, where his fingertips lightly touched the swell of my breasts, and where my private area throbbed with my desire for him.
I had to clear Porter Hammond from my mind. No matter how good he tasted in my dreams.