Wait for Me

Chapter Fifteen

She did not want to be here.

Being shoved into a tiny tube while strapped to a table wasn’t Kate’s idea of fun. She ground her teeth and took calming breaths. She’d much rather be out making phone calls with Ryan than having the CT scan he’d insisted on this afternoon.

The test was taking entirely too long. Didn’t they realize she was claustrophobic?

The machine buzzed and whirred, and the table retracted from the tube.

Thank God.

Ryan was waiting for her in the reception area when she reemerged from the dressing room. His head was down, his fingers rubbing his temples. Tension surrounded him. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she walked across the room. He hadn’t looked that worried before she’d gone in.

“Ryan?”

When he glanced up, those worry lines faded from his handsome face. A forced smile curved his mouth, one that didn’t reach his eyes. “Done?”

“Yeah. Dr. Murphy said to come back in an hour.”

He rose. “Let’s get something to eat while we wait.” With a hand at the small of her back, he urged her toward the elevator.

Kate settled into the dimly lit booth in the pub a block from the hospital. After their orders were taken, she said, “What did you find out?”

He draped an arm over the back of the booth and tapped a straw against the wooden table. “Nothing.”

He was lying. She could feel it. “Come on, Ryan. Don’t hold out on me.”

“How do you feel about a vacation? We take the kids and go off somewhere for a while, use the time to let Reed and Julia get to know each other. Beach or mountains, your pick.”

“Mitch told me you never take vacations, Mr. Harrison. You’re starting to worry me. What’s going on?”

As he glanced around the bar as if to see who was listening, her gaze followed. A bartender worked the long, mahogany bar. Two patrons sat on barstools at its sleek surface. A few tables throughout the space were occupied by tourists.

She looked back at him. “Ryan, what aren’t you telling me?”

He finally fished out the torn slip of paper from his pocket they’d taken from Janet Kelly’s house earlier that morning and passed it to her. “Each of the people crossed out are dead.”

“What?”

He looked pained when he pointed at the names on the list. “Heart attack, car accident, drowning. One even died of a drug overdose just a few days ago. No indication of foul play in any of the incidents.”

Four names were still uncrossed, including hers. “What about the others?”

“The top two I couldn’t find, or there was no answer. The last one before yours, Kari Adams—it’s a common enough name. I didn’t have time to go through the phonebook for her.”

Kate’s brow creased. Why was that name so familiar?

Their food was served, and she set the paper on the table next to her beer, though the last thing she felt like doing was eating.

Ryan squeezed her hand. The casual connection sent a tingle of awareness over her skin. But when she looked up, she saw the worry in his eyes. “It doesn’t mean anything,” he said gently. “It could just be a coincidence.”

“You don’t believe that. I can see it on your face. You think those people may have been at the nursing home too, don’t you?”

He sat back, trying to look shocked, not doing a very good job of it. “Where’d you get that idea?”

“I’m not a moron. I know pharmaceuticals are a billion-dollar industry. Do you think Jake was doing his own research? Testing it himself? Hoping to push it through for FDA approval?”

“It’s a theory.”

She glanced down at the paper again. “And you think these people were test subjects. That Janet Kelly knew about them, knew about what was happening.”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It doesn’t explain why they’re dead now, though.”

“It does if someone’s trying to cover up the evidence. What he was doing was illegal, right?”

He blew out a breath. “Yeah.”

“And until I showed up here, no one really knew anything about this.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Her gaze locked with his. “But you’re thinking it.”

“I think I’m hungry. And it’s been a long day. And you need to eat so we can get back over to the hospital and find out about your test.”

She eyed her plate. Why had she ever thought finding the answers would make a difference? Now all she wanted to do was turn back the clock, forget about what had already happened.

Ryan’s hand closed over hers again. “Babe, don’t,” he said softly. “Let’s just take this one step at a time, okay?”

With a nod she picked up a french fry and swallowed back the fear as she tried to eat.



***



Kate crossed her arms over her chest and stared out at the buildings from Dr. Murphy’s office. Afternoon sunlight glinted off wood and stone. Ryan sat in a chair near the doctor’s oak desk, waiting. She could all but feel the stress and worry seeping from him, recognized it in her too. Patience had never been her strongest attribute, and it seemed like the past few days, waiting was all she’d done.

Ryan stood when the doctor entered and shook his hand. Kate joined him at the desk.

“Well,” Dr. Murphy said. “Let me start by saying we got all the images we needed.” He pulled up her brain scan on the computer and swiveled the screen so they could see.

He tapped the screen. “This is the area we’re most concerned with. It appears the injury happened to this section of the brain, where memory and personality are developed. My guess is a hematoma of some sort, judging by the craniotomy incision along your scalp, Kate.”

“Not a tumor?” Ryan asked.

“No. No indication of one. There’s definite damage to the skull, which indicates an accident or trauma of some kind.”

That didn’t make sense. Kate rubbed her scar. Why would she have been given a cancer drug if she’d never had cancer in the first place?

“The memory loss is a tough one,” Dr. Murphy went on. “This portion of the brain deals with memory, so if she suffered a major impact, it’s possible that might be responsible for her amnesia now. However, most retrograde amnesiacs remember something, however trivial, from their childhood. Amnesia tends to be concentrated around the time of accident, sometimes erasing whole years of memories, but rarely an entire lifetime. Kate’s case is pretty unique.”

“What about the drug?” Ryan asked. He and Dr. Murphy had discussed her situation earlier, and Ryan had given him a copy of the chart they’d found at the nursing home.

“Well, as you know, I can’t speak about that until we know more. Tabofren was never studied in a clinical setting in the U.S. I do remember reading something about a similar drug a while back in a medical journal—some study going on up in Canada—but I can’t remember the specifics. In any case, it’s possible if it was being administered while she was in a coma, it might have amplified her memory loss from the accident.”

Dr. Murphy flipped through her chart. “It looks like you weren’t given Tabofren for at least six months after the accident.”

“I was pregnant.”

“At least someone had the good sense not to give it to you during a pregnancy,” the doctor said. “There’s no telling what an experimental drug like that would have done to a fetus. Your child doesn’t show any symptoms?”

“No.”

“I’d like to have Reed tested, just to be safe,” Ryan cut in, glancing at Kate. When she nodded, he looked back at the doctor. “What are the chances she’ll get her memory back?”

“At this point? I wouldn’t count on it. It’s been almost two years, and she hasn’t remembered anything yet. You’ve been back in San Francisco, what, a month, Kate?”

“Yes, about.”

“And in that time, any memories?”

There were feelings. Mostly déjà vu feelings, but those weren’t memories. She shook her head.

Dr. Murphy nodded. “Sometimes memories are triggered by familiar faces and locations. If that hasn’t happened yet, I’m not overly optimistic it’s going to.”

That wasn’t a surprise to Kate. She hadn’t expected to remember anything. One look at Ryan, though, and she saw he’d been hoping for different news.

She willed herself not to let Ryan’s disappointment affect her. “What about now? Am I in the clear, or should I be worried about any long-lasting effects?”

Dr. Murphy leaned back and brushed a hand over his bald head. “I wish I could give you a better answer. The reality is, we just don’t know. Your scan looks fine now. I don’t see anything that would cause concern. However, you received an experimental drug, and we don’t know what that might do to you down the line, if anything. For now, I wouldn’t worry too much, just be cautious of any changes you experience.”

“But I’m not totally in the clear. That’s what you’re telling me?”

He leaned forward, his face softening. “You could be hit by a car and killed tomorrow, Kate. Worrying about what might happen isn’t going to change anything. But you’re high risk. I wouldn’t ever forget about that fact or pretend it isn’t an issue, because it is. My advice would be bi-yearly checkups at this point, unless something changes.”

Ryan nodded, glanced at Kate. “That’s doable.”

Doable but not what she’d been hoping for. She would always worry. Every time she mixed up colors or numbers like she still so often did, she’d worry it was something more.

Dr. Murphy rose, and she and Ryan followed suit. Ryan thanked him.

“No problem. Set up an appointment for your son on your way out. We’ll just make sure everything’s fine with him as well.”

“Thank you.” Kate followed Ryan out the door.

When the elevator door slid closed behind them, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She could feel the relief in his body and the disappointment lurking beneath. “That’s good news,” he said into her hair.

Why didn’t he sound more sure? She rested her head against his chest, fought the urge to sink into him and let him be her strength. She wasn’t stupid enough to think there was any sort of happily ever after for them. Not when she knew what was going on between them was just physical, that it wasn’t strong enough to last.

When his lips grazed her temple, her eyes slid shut. He was warm and comforting, everything she needed right now. And it scared her to death.

“Yeah,” she whispered. So why didn’t she believe it?

“Something’s going right,” he said quietly.

She nodded in agreement. She wasn’t going to die of cancer. She might turn out okay even with all the drugs they’d pumped into her. But would she survive whoever was out there snuffing out research patients?

That was the question swirling in her mind now. That and what the hell she was going to do about the man next to her.



***



Kate let her head fall back against the headrest and closed her eyes. The rhythmic clicking told her they were still on the bridge, that in good traffic she had another twenty minutes to ponder the nightmare that was her life before they made it to the beach.

What she wanted was a long, hot bath, an enormous glass of wine, and solitude. What she had was Ryan Harrison. Seated next to her, he radiated tension and worry. And it only grated on her more.

Her cell phone rang, startling her out of her depressing musings. She reached into her bag and lifted it to her ear.

“Kate, is that you? It’s Simone.”

“Hey.”

“Where are you?”

“In the car, on the way out to Moss Beach.”

“Is Ryan with you?”

Kate’s gaze flicked sideways at Ryan’s tense shoulders as he turned the wheel of the Jag. “Yeah, he’s here.”

“I wasn’t able to find him. His secretary said he was out today, but that he had his phone on him.”

“He must have turned it off.” During the appointment with Dr. Murphy. When they’d been talking about her future. A future that didn’t look as optimistic as it had only a few hours ago.

“Regardless, I’m glad I found you,” Simone said. “I have news. We found Reynolds.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. Facedown in his swimming pool in Houston.”

“Shit.”

Ryan’s gaze shot to her. She saw the questions in his eyes but glanced away. She couldn’t deal with his worry. Not yet.

“Yeah,” Simone went on. “Authorities are calling it an accidental drowning. He was bloated for two full days before the neighbors found him. Turns out he took an unexpected trip to Canada, just after Jake died. Neighbors didn’t even know he was back yet.”

“Oh, my God.” Kate closed her eyes.

“They’re not ruling out foul play, but at the moment, it doesn’t look like they have any leads.”

“How convenient.”

“Kate.” Simone paused again. “There’s more.”

She swallowed hard. Did she really want to know? No. She didn’t. “Tell me.”

“My PI has a lead on Walter Alexander. He thinks he’s found him up in Vancouver, BC. I’ve got some business in Seattle later this week. I think I might catch a flight up and see if I can find him.”

Panic coursed through Kate. “No. Don’t do that.”

“Relax, it’s no biggie. The firm won’t even miss me.”

“Simone, you don’t understand. Things are getting out of control. Don’t go up there. Just walk away.”

“Kate, I really don’t think—”

Ryan plucked the phone out of her hand. Her fingers clenched into a fist. Her jaw tightened. Anger and frustration at the entire situation welled inside her. As he listened intently while Simone relayed the information to him a second time, Kate closed her eyes and dropped her head back against the seat. If he wanted to take over, she’d let him. She couldn’t do anything about it. He had as much at stake here as she did. But his overbearing reaction was just one more reminder that he expected her to be the docile wife he remembered, and that wasn’t her.

He ended the conversation just about the time he pulled into her drive in Moss Beach. His strong hand reached for hers, and she fought the urge to cling to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Talk to me,” he said quietly.

That wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about her fears and anxieties would only land her where she really didn’t need to be, and that was in his arms.

She needed to keep perspective, to figure out what the hell she was going to do next. To stop being distracted by a crazy attraction that would only lead to heartbreak.

“I’m fine,” she said again. “I just need a few minutes.”

With hands more steady than she expected, she eased out of the car. He followed her into the house and stood in the entry with his hands on his hips, watching her. She turned to face him, avoiding his gaze, avoiding the comfort she knew was right where she wanted it. “I need to go get a few things upstairs. Just…just make yourself at home. I’ll be back.”

She wasn’t sure how she made it up the stairs, but she paused at the top, looked one way, then the other. Her bedroom was to the right, Reed’s bedroom and her office to the left. If she went into her bedroom and Ryan followed, her willpower would break, and they’d end up in bed. If she went into her office, she’d have the buffer of walls between her and that soft, sweet spot she wanted to tumble across with him.

Sinking into the chair behind her desk, she dropped her hands in her lap and glanced around. Boxes still sat near the window. Pictures leaned against the wall, waiting to be hung. So many things she’d meant to get to, but had never found time for.

“What are you doing?”

Ryan’s voice didn’t surprise her. She’d known he’d follow, that he’d be worried. Why was she able to read him so well all of a sudden?

“Storm’s coming in,” she said quietly, staring out the window.

“Looks pretty calm to me.”

“It’s deceptive. You can tell when a big one’s coming. The wind dies down. There’s the slightest hint of darkness on the horizon. And when you step outside, you can almost smell it in the air.”

He crouched in front of her, resting a hand on her thigh. Her skin sizzled through the thick denim of her jeans. Her body ached to be caressed by those firm hands.

It wouldn’t help.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he said gently. “Don’t worry.”

Don’t worry. Just like that. If only.

She mustered up as much courage as she could and faced him. “I don’t need you to make it okay for me, Ryan. I know you think you have to swoop in here and protect me from this whole thing, but I can handle it.”

His back straightened, but he didn’t move his hand. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Yes, it is. I know you’re just trying to help, but you’re smothering me. I came up here with the intention of getting my things to go back with you but realized what I need is time to sort through everything on my own.”

His eyes narrowed. “I missed something between this morning and now. What’s going on?”

She brushed his hand away and rose. Telling him to leave when his touch was searing her skin wouldn’t work. She needed space between them. “You didn’t miss anything from this morning. Maybe you just missed it in general.”

He pushed to his feet. “You’re going to have to explain, because I can’t seem to read your mind.”

She lifted her hands, dropped them. “What do you see when you look at me?”

“Is this a trick question?”

“No. It’s an honest one. I know what you see. You see Annie.”

“And that’s bad because…”

“Because, Ryan, I’m not her.”

A frown tugged at his mouth. “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t get it. She wasn’t sure he ever would. And even though it wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment, it would always be a problem between them. Dealing with it now, before either of them got more hurt in this crazy situation was the best idea.

“I’m talking about this.” She waved her hands. “This, this thing going on between us isn’t working. Every time you look at me, you see someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You have this need to protect me, but it’s not me you’re worried about, it’s someone I used to be. Someone I’m not anymore.”

“Run that by me again, because I’m a little lost.”

She let out a breath. “Ryan, in all the time we’ve been together, you haven’t once called me Kate.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No, you haven’t. I’ve been listening.” Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. A pain that was a thousand times sharper than she’d expected. “I can admit I’m wildly attracted to you, but that’s just physical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re attracted to someone who’s not here anymore. I don’t know how to be that person, and I’m not even sure I want to try. I like who I am now. And the person I am now doesn’t need you hovering over her, trying to shelter her from this whole mess.”

He shifted his weight. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…I don’t think this is going anywhere. I appreciate your help, that you’ve given up time today to check things out with me, but going back to your house with you tonight isn’t going to help matters. Reed and Julia are already confused. Being near you, acting on this combustible attraction isn’t going to help make things better. We both know this isn’t going anywhere, that neither of us is what the other needs or wants in the long run.”

The muscles in his jaw tightened. “So this morning—”

“This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.”

Anger flashed in his eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she stood her ground. If she were lucky, he’d get the hint soon and leave before she changed her mind.

Because she really wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything going on around them. She wanted to forget he thought of someone else when they were together, because she wanted him more than she wanted to think logically.

“I think you should go, Ryan,” she said quietly.

“Just like that?”

“Yes.”

“This is crap. Tell me what’s really going on.”

“This is what’s really going on.” He wasn’t getting it, so she put as much emotion into her voice as she could, hoping that would get her point across. “I don’t need you. And I don’t want you. And the sooner you get that, the better off we’ll all be.”

His eyes locked on hers. Steely, cold eyes. The same hard, emotionless eyes he’d turned on her at the beginning, before the press conference, before he’d kissed her, before she’d realized just what kind of caring man he was inside. “Fine. Whatever.”

He brushed by her. She listened as his footsteps echoed down the stairs. Flinched when the front door opened and slammed shut.

Shaking, she sank to the ground and leaned back against the wall. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached with a fierceness she hadn’t expected. This pain was so much worse than when she’d lost Jake, and it only made her realize just how much she did want Ryan. She’d fallen for him against her better judgment. And now, no matter where she went, no matter who she met, the reality of what she’d just let slip away would haunt her forever.

The first drops of rain pelted the window. The wind picked up, and waves pounded the shore like a mighty fist. She glanced out at the gray clouds even as tears slid down her cheeks.