I was surprised but glad that Dawson announced that he was going to head out around nine. I thought for sure he had planned on spending the night. I didn’t really want him to, but I wasn’t going to tell him no.
I walked him out to his car, and he leaned against it, pulling my hand to come to him. He traced his thumb along my jaw line, and then moved his finger, tracing my scar. I kept both my hands on his chest, but not opened, they were clinched, almost like I was afraid to touch him. I wondered if it was because I felt like I was betraying Drew.
“You’re making this really awkward,” I smiled up at him.
“Are you waiting for me to kiss you?” he asked with the boyish grin that I also loved about him.
“Well, since you were planning on it anyway, you may as well.”
He leaned in, and I moved up on the tips of my toes. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t, if that makes any sense at all. He held the back of my neck as his tongue parted my lips and entwined with mine. I couldn’t help it. I moaned in his mouth after a moment or two. He felt so right. Was he though? He was before I forgot who I was.
Why was it different now?
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered to my lips before pulling away. I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted to tell him not to go, but I didn’t. I took a step back and slid my hands into the back pockets of my shorts.
I thought about calling Lauren, but decided against it. Why did it feel different? Why didn’t I feel like I did before I left. I would have called Lauren anytime day or night, but now I felt like we weren’t that good of friends and we had drifted apart or something. I don’t know. It was probably just me. I guess I was reading more into it than I should have been.
I walked back into the house and right out the back door to the deck. I missed the beach. I hadn’t walked along the shore in months. I made my way down the rocky terrain and sat down in the still warm sand. That too didn’t feel the same. The ocean almost felt like an enigma, like it thought that I didn’t belong there, like I had abandoned it too. Why was I having such a hard time being there? This was my safe haven, the only place in my life that I felt wanted. I knew what it was. I just hated to admit it. It was Drew Kelley. I let him get into my mind, and even worse, my heart. I was such an idiot.
I stayed on the beach as the darkness took over the light sky. I didn’t feel any better sitting along the sands of the shore than I did in my house. I blindly made my way back up the rough terrain. It was dark, I mean really dark. I couldn’t see one white sneaker in front of the other.
I showered and decided to dust and clean my forgotten, neglected house, trying to keep my mind busy and hopefully tire myself out so that when I went to bed, I slept rather than contemplated. I didn’t want to think anymore. I just wanted it to stop. It wasn’t going to. I knew this when my cellphone rang. I debated before answering when I saw Drew flashing across my screen.
I took a deep breath and answered, plopping to the couch.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Can you talk?”
“Do you mean am I alone?”
“Yeah, sort of. I hate the thought of you being in another man’s arms or anyone else kissing your soft lips.”
I blew out a short puff of air. This man was impossible. “I’m alone.”
“What are you doing?”
“Cleaning house. What are you doing?”
“It’s eleven o’clock, and you are a millionaire times a hundred or so. You don’t have to clean house.”
“I’m cleaning because I need to occupy my mind, and that’s a lot of money, uh?”
He laughed. “Yeah, it is. What’s on your mind?”
“Stupid you.”
“You’re thinking about me?”
“Not like you’re hoping that I am,” I lied. I was thinking those stupid thoughts. “I was just thinking about this place they call skid row in LA. It’s the largest stable population of homeless people in the United States. I figure you could probably make a few friends.”
Drew laughed even though I didn’t say it lightly.
That was exactly where I should have sent him.
“I heard that Derik was in pretty bad shape,” he commented, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I went to see him before I left.”
“You did?” he asked a little shocked.
“Yeah, I think that I may be just a little demented. I took great pleasure in seeing him in pain. Did you go see him?”
“No, I’m afraid that I would take great pleasure in that too.”
“You did the same thing, Drew, only worse.”
“How can I fix it, Morgan?”
“I’m not sure that you can. I don’t know what to do. I have Dawson here, who loves me and has always treated me like I was a princess with the upmost respect.
And then I have you, who for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I would even second guess it, but I am.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“I am, Drew, but it’s different than the way that I am in love with you.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I just feel different in his arms than yours.”
“Don’t make me picture that. Did you sleep with him?”
“Today?”