“OH MY GOD! DID YOU JUST GAG?” she yelled.
I started furiously shaking my head “No”, but the damage was done.
The anesthesiologist came in then and pushed his cart of drugs in front of him and I almost begged him to give me a hit of whatever he had. I really should be numb from the brain down for the rest of this day before I fucked anything else up.
The doctor let me stay in the room for the epidural and let me tell you, nothing prepares you for seeing a needle as long as your arm, being pushed into your wife’s spine. And since she was in the middle of a contraction, all she did was sigh when it went in. Until I opened my mouth.
“Holy fuck that’s a huge needle,” I mumbled.
Jenny glanced over at me and scowled. Well, as much as she could anyway since she was hunched over her big belly as far as she could go, and a nurse was pushing down on her shoulders.
“What if he moves a fraction of an inch to the left and you’re suddenly paralyzed?” I asked in horror.
“Shut...Up,” Jenny muttered.
After the epidural was firmly in place, I double checked that we had a waiver on file that states we would own the hospital should my wife become paralyzed. If I was going to feed her mashed peas and wipe her ass until we die, I wanted to be rich.
“You’re never going to want to have sex with me again. I’m going to push a human out of the hole where you stick your penis, and you’re never going to want to go there again,” she sobbed.
Why God, why? WHY did she have to put that image in my head? I never had a problem having sex with her when she was pregnant with Veronica. Never went through that whole “Oh no, what if I hurt the baby or he sees my penis” bullshit. But this? Oh sweet Jesus, this is the end for me.
“Oh, that’s just silly. Why would you say something like that?” I asked nervously.
Maybe because it’s true. A human is making his way down that canal, and I’m supposed to not freak out about this?
Seven hours later, Billy had come screaming into the world, and I had thrown up in the trashcan next to the bed.
Somehow, now, I need to convince my wife that I do not fear her vagina. Not anymore at least.
Chapter 5 – Could it be…SATAN?!
I’m going to kill him. I swear to God I’m going to murder my husband.
The week before Billy had been born, he thought it would be a great idea to get a kitten. Something little to take care of to refresh our memories because it had been three years since we last had something that little to take care of. But when he had said we, he really meant me.
Granted, the kitten, Miss Lippy, named after the weird teacher in Billy Madison, is cute and cuddly and likes to rub her little pink nose against mine when we curl up in bed at night, but she also poops more than the average human. I’ve never seen so much poop come out of something so little and cute. If she'd been an outdoor cat, I might have guessed that she ate a rotten animal or something and got sick, but she never goes outside. She is strictly an indoor cat. I had almost called the vet to ask them if it was normal or if Miss Lippy was dying from some sort of pooping disease. I had the phone in my hand all set to dial when Drew had finally decided to tell me that he pooped in the litter box a few times to see what it was like.
I've SCOOPED MY HUSBAND’S POOP! Do you have any idea how NOT okay that is?
And yet, it’s not even the reason why I want to kill him right now, although it should be. So, not only do I have a three-year-old, a four-month-old, a husband, and a kitten, but Drew has come home tonight with a puppy.
A PUPPY!
Because you know, why not add one more thing to my list? Really, on top of all the crap I already do, it should be a piece of pie to clean up after yet another person. I’ve already had to potty train Veronica and Drew, might as well try a dog this time. Maybe he’ll be easier.