“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GUY WITH THE DRUGS?”
I put my hands over Veronica’s ears and stared in horror at my wife. Jenny never yelled or cursed in front of Veronica. Ever. She raised her voice at times, but it was usually just because someone couldn’t hear what she was saying. This was a whole new side of her I wasn’t used to.
“The nurse just paged him like two minutes ago, baby. He’ll be here soon,” I reassured her as I removed my hands from Veronica’s ears.
“FUCK YOU!”
I glanced at the contraction monitor and saw that the little squiggly lines were so far off of the top of the page that the thing was flashing a red warning light.
“Breathe, baby. Just breathe. Think about something else,” I told her.
“I’M THINKING ABOUT SHOVING YOUR BALLS STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS, YOU SHIT HOLE!”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter and Claire standing in the doorway with equal looks of horror on their faces.
“Um, so we’ll just come back later,” Claire said as she quickly darted in the room, scooped up Veronica, and made a mad dash back to Carter whispering, “GO, GO, GO!”
With Veronica out of earshot, I walked over to the side of the bed and tried smoothing hair off of Jenny’s forehead and telling her it would be okay, but she bit off my hand.
And that wasn't an exaggeration. She literally leaned over and clamped her teeth around the palm of my hand.
The doctor had showed up a few minutes later, but when he told Jenny he wasn’t the one with the drugs, I actually feared for the poor guy’s life. Then he had told her he needed to break her water to really get things going.
What has been happening in here for the last hour? A mother fucking tea party?
I really wish I could erase this part of the story because I look like a giant douchebag, and if I could take it back, I would. But I guess it’s necessary for you to understand everything.
The doctor had ripped open a package and pulled out what could only be described as a crochet hook. It was a long stick with a hook on the end, and it instantly made me laugh when I looked at it.
The doctor went to the end of the bed and asked Jenny to spread her legs. And before you ask, yes, I laughed at this too.
“Hey, hon, looks like the doctor is going to do some knitting while he’s down there between your legs,” I joked. “I bet you he could make a blanket for ten people with all that long-ass pube hair you got going on.”
Can you hear that? That’s the sound of my nuts being clamped in a vice.
After the doctor broke her water, and I apologized profusely for not shaving her ridiculously long pubic hair before she gave birth, it was back to the waiting game. No, not waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for the god dammed drugs.
“I don’t think we should name him Billy,” Jenny stated in between breaths as she “heeee-ed” and “hoooooo-ed” and “hee-hee hoo-hoo-ed” through the pain.
“What are you talking about?” I asked her in horror as I paced back and forth over by the door. My nuts still hadn’t recovered from the pubic hair crack so there was no way I was getting within five feet of her right now.
“Who names their kids after a stupid movie?” she questioned as she took a big sigh of relief when the contraction ended.
“You must be delirious from the pain. That is the only excuse for the nonsense coming out of your mouth right now.”
She glared at me and I instantly covered my nuts with my hands. I wouldn’t put it past her to pick up the phone, yank it from the wall, and chuck it at my dong.
“Did you just call me an idiot?” she questioned softly.
I really should have just run right then...turned around and darted out of the hospital room and down the hall until I reached the ward with all the comatose patients who wouldn’t scream at me.
“If it walks like a duck and talks like an idiot, then yes, yes I did,” I told her boldly, putting my hands on my hips.
Mistake number two.
Jenny’s cell phone smacked against my junk two seconds later, and I squeaked out a groan and clutched onto the boys.
“Cheese and crackers! That hurt! Dude, Billy Madison was the first movie we ever watched together. And it is the greatest movie of all time. There is no way we are naming our son anything other than Billy. We already have a Veronica, named after his hot teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn. We can’t leave our daughter hanging like that. Think of the children,” I pleaded. “Do it for the children.”
“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” she wailed as tears started running down her cheeks and she put her head in her hands.
Sweet Jesus what is happening right now?
I rushed over to her bedside and wrapped my arms around her while she cried.
“Hon, of course I love you. Calm down,” I told her.
“YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN! I’M SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN UTERUS WATER!” she yelled.
I tried to hold it in, really I did, but I couldn’t. I dry heaved. It was just…uterus water. Water from her uterus. She was sitting in it. She was marinating in uterus fluids.