Claire and Liz have started project “Fake it Till You Make it” with me. They are on a mission to restore mine and Drew’s sex life. I still don’t understand this whole “faking it” thing. I’ve never faked anything with Drew. They had decided I need to watch the holy grail of faking it movies so we’re spending the afternoon watching When Harry Met Sally.
“I’m still confused by the fact that you have never, ever faked it with Drew. How is that possible?” Liz asks as she puts the DVD in and hits play.
“Drew is a very giving lover. He always makes sure I come first. And if I don’t, he brings out one of my toys. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always his tongue.”
“Okay, stop. You’re going to make me puke,” Liz complains.
“Well, it’s true. He’s ambidextrous so his tongue can be used both ways.”
“Oh my God, stop the insanity!” Liz complains.
“So what do you do if you’re just too tired to have sex but he’s bugging you for it?” Claire asks.
“Um, I tell him I’m too tired for sex and roll over and go to sleep.”
Both women stare at me.
“What? What’s wrong with that? It’s the truth. I’m not going to lie to him.”
“In this case, you definitely should lie to him. He probably thinks you don’t want him anymore,” Claire says.
In all honesty, part of me doesn’t really mind if Drew thinks just for a minute that I don’t want him. It serves him right for what he did six weeks after Billy was born.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
I had bolted up in bed at the sound of Drew screaming in his sleep next to me. He sat straight up in bed as well, shivering and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Are you okay?” I had asked him with a yawn and checking the clock. Billy would probably be up in another hour for a feeding unless Drew just woke him up with his scream.
“I had a really bad dream. Oh my God it was awful. It had fangs and it was trying to eat me, and I tried to scream but it bit off my tongue! Oh, the horror!” Drew wailed.
“Where you dreaming about Miss Lippy again?” I ask him, lying back down in bed and pulling the covers up over my shoulder.
He looked down at me nervously and started biting his nails.
“I don’t know. I forget. Let’s have sex.”
Drew immediately dropped his head to the pillow, wrapped his arm around my body, and pulled me against him.
He started kissing my neck, and I swore I could hear him say, “You can do this. Just don’t think about the fangs.”
“Drew, I don’t know. It might still be too soon,” I told him.
I knew it wasn't too soon. It had been exactly six weeks to the day since Billy was born. This was the day we could start having sex again. While Drew was busy kissing his way down to my breasts, I looked over his shoulder at the alarm clock on his side of the bed.
If I fell asleep right now, I’d still get about fifty minutes of sleep before Billy woke up.
“I promise I’ll be quick,” Drew said around kisses as he slipped my tank top down, exposing one breast and starting to kiss and suck all around the full mound.
“Be careful, I might leak,” I warned him.
Since I was breast feeding, my boobs tended to leak at inappropriate times. Now would be a really inappropriate time.
Drew immediately stopped, his mouth hovering over my nipple.
“This is a huge dilemma for me. I know I should back away since it’s like, our kid’s food, but the pervert in me wants to go grab a bag of cookies and do this thing,” he admitted.
“Don’t even think about it,” I told him, clutching onto his hair and pulling his head back up to mine.
“Are you really going to let me stick my penis in you? Don’t tease me right now. My heart can’t take it,” Drew said.
“Yes, go ahead. But seriously, make it quick. Billy will be up soon.”
Drew pushed himself off of me quickly and shoved his boxers down to his knees, lying back down between my legs before I even blink.
“I’ll be quick, I promise. Time me,” Drew said as he pushes my underwear down my hips and to my knees. I wiggled my legs to get them the rest of the way down, kicking them off of my ankle when they reached that far.
“What was your dream about,” I asked him as he wraps his hand around his erection and guides it toward me, running the tip through me and placing it at my opening.
“It was awful. Your vagina turned into a monster and it looked just like it did when you were having Billy, except it had teeth and red, glowing eyes, and it wanted to bite off my face, and it was so saggy and floppy and had all this extra skin hanging around. It was so fucking scary,” he explained as he pushes just the tip of his penis inside of me and groans.
I put my hand on his shoulders and pushed him up and away from me a little.
“Are you kidding right now or are you serious?”
He paused and a look of pain washed over his face when he realized I’m stopping him from pushing in any further.
Drew had never been able to lie to me, even about little things. I knew that right then he was wondering if he should really tell me the truth.
“Um, yes?”
I pushed on his shoulders as hard as I could.
“Are you serious with this right now? You’re having nightmares about my VAGINA?” I yelled at him as he scrambled to get up on his knees, his penis sticking straight out, pointing right at me.