‘Me and mummy are happy with just you two.’ I pacify her, quickly getting the other shoe on, eager to escape this room and the conversation.
‘Mummy wants another baby.’ she informs me, and my shocked eyes fly up to serious chocolate ones. Ava wants another baby? But she hated pregnancy. I loved it. She hated it. I loved everything about it, except the birth. She really got her revenge during that hellish twenty four hours. I was stabbed with nails, yelled at constantly and threatened with divorce on numerous occasions. And her mouth was like a f**king sewer. But what killed me the most was seeing her in so much pain and being unable to stop it. I could do f**k all about it, and I never plan on putting her through that again.
‘We just need you two.’ I affirm, lifting her from the bed and placing her on her tiny, silver coated feet.
‘I know.’ She runs off laughing. ‘Mum said your eyes would bug and they did!’
I actually laugh, but not because it’s funny. It’s not. It’s because I’m so f**king relieved. I could never refuse Ava if she did want another baby, not after my f**ked up, creative way of getting us our adorable carbon copies of each other. I smile, a full on smile, the one I save only for my babies. I’m so glad I hid those pills.
* * *
It really is the longest afternoon of my f**king life. Dozens of kids run around screaming, and their mother’s pretend to be watching their off-spring, but I’m under constant surveillance by the desperate bunch of bored housewives. Maybe I should ditch the personal training and invest some time in advising the husbands of these women how to please them - lessons in various degrees of f**king, perhaps. I’m nodding thoughtfully to myself when my mum appears in my line of sight. She’s got that look, and I know I’m about to be lectured.
‘Son, take it easy.’ She eyes up the bottle of Bud in my hand, prompting me to take a swig.
I walk over to her and tuck her anxious body into my side. ‘Mother, stop your fussing.’ I start leading her over to the decking, where my father, Amalie and Doctor David are all sitting, chatting happily. My babies couldn’t keep my parents away, either.
‘I just…’ she stammers over her words, placing her wrinkled palm on my stomach and rubbing lightly. ‘I just worry, that’s all.’
I know she does, but she has no need to. I can enjoy a few beers, just like the rest of them, and I can do it in a relaxed atmosphere with my family. I still don’t touch the vodka, though. ‘Well, I said you shouldn’t, so you won’t. End of.’ I encourage her to take a seat next to my father. ‘Do you want a beer, Dad?’
He looks up at me on a smile. ‘No, son. I promised Jacob a few bounces on that inflatable thing.’ He points across the lawns and I turn, seeing dozens of kids, pumped up on E-numbers, jumping and screaming on the bouncy castle.
‘Good luck!’ David laughs, resting his hand on his pregnant wife’s bulging belly. I smile fondly and watch my dad slowly make his way over to Jacob, who’s frantically waving for his granddad. And then I spot Elizabeth knelt in front of Maddie, tying her locks in f**king bunches.
‘Leave her alone, Mum!’ I shout across the garden, earning myself a filthy look from Elizabeth and a giggle from my little lady.
‘Trample, Daddy!’ Maddie shrieks, batting her nana’s hand away from her hair and running off to reclaim her tree house.
I’m grinning as I watch Ava’s long suffering mother pull herself to her feet. I can’t help it. She turns a frighteningly dirty look on me, making me grin further. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than rubbing her up the wrong way, but she doesn’t do a bad job of returning the favour, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’ll just keep enjoying it.
‘Why did your daughter have to be like you?’ she yells across to me.
I nearly spit my beer out. ‘Me?’
‘Yes, you! Challenging!’
I scoff. She has to be joking. ‘I think you’ll find that my little lady is the prodigy of your daughter. Defiant!’
She huffs and puffs, straightening out her blouse before heading towards the kitchen to help Ava. Challenging? The stupid woman doesn’t know what she’s f**king talking about.
Leaving my mum with Amalie and David, I stroll over to our friends, who have all, unsurprisingly, taken up residence by the bar.
‘My man!’ Sam slaps my back and John nods as I dip so Kate can kiss my cheek.
‘Everyone good?’ I ask, collapsing into one of the chairs. ‘Where’s Drew?’
Kate laughs, pointing to the bouncy castle where Drew is scrambling through the masses of kids to find his daughter. ‘He’s making sure that Georgia returns to her mother with no cuts or bruises.’
‘Talking of kids,’ I point my bottle between Kate and Sam, and fail to maintain my seriousness when John’s body starts shaking, making the whole f**king house vibrate behind me with that deep, rolling laugh.
‘Jesse,’ she breathes, exhausted by the constant question. ‘I’ve told you. There is not a maternal bone in this body.’