chapter 12
(Deanna)
Mya is curled up on the couch, sleeping. I was just about to nod off, myself, when I hear the creaking sound of the front door opening. I immediately jump from the chair and wrap my arms around JJ. I was so worried about her and am glad that she is home safe.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, clinging to her. “Are you okay?” I grab her hand and lead her to the chair. She sits uneasily on the arm as I take a seat beside her.
“I think so. It was something we needed to do. I’m glad he found me and made me listen,” JJ says with a strained smile.
“You’re soaked.” I notice.
“I know. I don’t think either of us realized it was raining.”
Mya sits up, rubbing her eyes. “Hey, Jess… I didn’t hear you come in. I was worried about you. I told him where he could find you,” she confesses guiltily.
“It’s okay, Mya. I’m glad you did, we needed to talk. I don’t think either one of us would’ve ever been able to truly move forward without having that talk. Thanks.”
“What are you saying, you didn’t work things out?” Mya asks.
JJ glances at me. She can see the disappointment in my face. She gives me a partial smile. “I wish it was that easy. I’m not sure we can ever get back what we lost, or if I’d ever want to. I don’t know what to feel. It was a lot to take in.”
“How did you leave things?” I ask.
She pauses, as if she almost forgets how they left things. “I guess we both said what we needed to say. We cried, we held each other, we listened. Then, he brought me home.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling disheartened. I guess I was hoping for a different outcome.
“What was it like, seeing him after all of this time?” Mya asks.
“I went through a lot of emotions.” She laughs. “At first, I was so angry. All I could see was the pain that he caused me. Then, I was overcome with… relief. He’s finally home and he’s okay.” She smiles at me and squeezes my hand. “And then of course, there’s sadness, remembering what we lost.”
A tear escapes my eye as I listen to her talk. I love my brother and I know the extent of his punishment, and I don’t mean by the justice system. He punished himself far more than he deserved. Giving her up nearly destroyed him; and to think they may never get back what they lost, breaks my heart. They need each other. However, I also love her. I know what it did to her thinking she lost him. It was the second time someone she loved suddenly was ripped away from her. I give her space so that she has time to absorb everything.
***
(Jesse)
I’m exhausted, not to mention soaked and wet. I don’t even have the energy to stay up and talk any longer so I retreat to my room, looking forward to climbing in my bed and processing the night. My mind races in a million directions.
As I rub my tired, swollen eyes, I spot the shoebox on my bed. I quickly change into my pajamas and blow my hair dry. Poking my head out of my room, I ask Deanna if she is coming to bed. A day bed is set up in my room for Deanna when she visits. However, tonight she insists on staying on the couch. She knows me well, realizing I need the time to myself.
I open my window wide, allowing the cool air and what is left of the storm to fill my room. I climb in my bed, resting the shoebox on my stomach as I slowly lift the lid from the box. There inside is a neatly stacked pile of yellow-lined paper, folded and rubber-banded together. Each letter is dated at the top of the page. I start with the letter on top, dated the day he left:
JJ,
I don’t even know where to start. Last night was a mess. I’m afraid to know what you must think of me right now. I was trashed, I wasn’t thinking straight. I know it’s no excuse, but I swear I was heading home to see you. Ask Mikey. I had more than enough. Mikey was getting me out of there when I spotted Blake with his arm around you. He pushed me out the door, but once outside, I completely lost it. Again, it’s no excuse, but I was drunk. I kept thinking I wasn’t even gone and you already moved on. I know that isn’t the case. I know you. I was feeling sorry for myself and looking for an excuse to be pissed off. I wish I would have listened to Mikey and went home, but I wanted to take my anger out on someone and I’m sorry it was you. I did the worst thing I could possibly do. I’m sure you know, it was nothing, SHE’S NOTHING! As soon as we got to my house, I told her the only person I ever want to be with is you. I told her she needed to go, that I would never be with her, and… she left. Nothing happened… NOTHING! You are it for me. I could never be with anyone, but you.
Last night, I wanted you to hate me. You need to move on, but now I don’t want you to. Is that selfish of me? I don’t want you to leave me. My mind is so messed up right now. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. I hate myself for what I did to you. I thought about jumping out of the car to come see you this morning before I left, but I was too afraid to see the disappointment in your eyes for what I did. I can’t believe I’m actually here. My dad and Mikey brought me in this morning. They looked as bad as I felt. I ruined everyone’s life, not just mine. I’m so sorry, please forgive me. Please write me. I love you always, Luke.
I sit here, reading this letter over and over. This one letter could have changed everything. I would have seen things so differently and so much hurt could have been prevented for both of us. A tear escapes my eye. I would have forgiven him for that night, if only he mailed this letter.
I stay up and read every letter at least twice, feeling all of the emotions he’s feeling at the time he wrote each letter. He goes through so many ups and downs, mostly downs. I cry, thinking about how hard it must have been for him and I realize how alone he felt. I regret letting so much time pass and not being there to support him. If only I knew.
I feel as if what I went through the last couple of years is nothing in comparison to what he experienced on a daily basis. He pushed everyone he loved away, thinking he was causing them less pain. I kept everyone close, letting them help me through.
He wrote often, sometimes it was a page or two, sometimes just a paragraph. Even on his worst days, he never blamed me. Each letter ends with the same closing, that I am his reason for making it through each day, looking towards the day we will be together again.
Finally, after a long, exhausting night, I drift into a restless sleep, surrounded by his letters.
***
(Luke)
I’m not sure if I should drive home or go straight to the hospital. I feel as if I’m having a heart attack after I drop JJ off at her apartment. As soon as I watch her walk through the doors into the lobby, the palpitations really kick in. I wait an extra ten minutes before pulling away, just in case she comes back out.
My head spins round and round, replaying the evening over and over. I hope I said everything I wanted to say to her. The more I think about it, the more I worry that things didn’t go the way I hoped. She didn’t give me much to go on. I can’t get a good feel on what she may be thinking. Now that I finally had a chance to hold her and kiss her lips, I know I will never let her go again. She’s gonna have to learn to love me again. There’s no way around it, I decide.
Mikey and David are sitting at the kitchen table when I arrive home. They’re anxious to see how it went, especially David. I know he’s hoping he made the right decision by allowing me to go after her.
“I’m not sure,” I say in response to their question. “I think it went okay. At least I got to say what I wanted, and I think she did the same. What comes next is up to her.” I shrug. That is such a lie and I know it. If I don’t hear from her soon, then what comes next is gonna be up to me.
“How did she seem?” David asks.
“She seemed okay. She didn’t say much… just listened mostly.”
“She’ll come around,” Mikey says.
“She needs time, Luke,” David adds sternly.
“I know… I know. I’m not going to push. It’s her move,” I agree, lying again, not sure if I will really be able to keep that promise. “What are you still doing here?” I ask David, looking up at the clock and realizing the time.
“I didn’t want to call her, so I figured I’d wait to hear from you.”
I convince David to stay the night so he doesn’t have to drive home in the stormy weather. I offer him my room since I’m too wound up to sleep. Stepping out onto the back patio and lying down on the lounge chair, I watch the storm as it moves out over the bay. The sound of the storm and the water crashing against the seawall settles me enough that I finally fall asleep.