chapter 11
(Luke)
It looks as if a storm may come at any minute. The wind is starting to pick up and the sky is turning dark as I jog through the parking lot to my bike. I race in and out of traffic to my house in record time to pick up the car.
I arrive at the gallery and without thinking twice I enter through the smoked glass doors into the lobby. I finally lessen my pace and take a moment to look around and admire the marble floors and the walls trimmed in dark cherry, mahogany wood. The room is surrounded by so many different styles of artwork. She must love working here.
Shit, this is Frank’s business. I almost turn and walk out the door, but staring back at me is one of her paintings. I know it instantly. I also notice three others in the same vicinity. She was always good, but these… are incredible.
“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” a girl asks from behind, startling me.
“Yes, they are,” I answer, turning to face the tall exotic-looking stranger.
“She’s a local artist, these are her first paintings.”
“I have to disagree. I think my walls are covered with most of her first paintings,” I answer, giving her a pain-ridden smile.
She’s about to comment when we are interrupted. “Jazz, this is a friend of Jesse’s; do you mind giving us a minute?” the girl looks at me suspiciously, and then disappears into the back room.
My jaw tightens as I turn to face Frank. “Where is she?” I ask rudely, in no mood for games.
“I dropped her off at home.”
I turn to leave, but he calls out to me, “Luke, can I ask what your intentions are?”
I stop in my tracks and turn to face him eye-to-eye. I want there to be no mistake as to what my intentions are. “To get her back.”
“What if that isn’t what she wants?”
“Then I need to hear that from her,” I say conclusively before walking towards the door.
A feeling of regret comes over me. I’m acting like a jerk off to this guy. This guy, who everyone I’m close to seems to really like. He’s not the one to blame, he’s an innocent bystander caught in the middle. “Look. I’m sorry for bursting in here, but we have a lot of unfinished business, and I need to talk to her, she needs to know… I love her. Ya know we’ve been together for a long time?”
“No, Luke, you haven’t been together in over two years, you let her go a long time ago.”
“Not by choice.”
“That’s not the way she sees it.”
“That’s why I need to talk to her. Looking at this…” I point at her paintings that surround me, “somewhat makes me feel a little bit better. Look, I’m not a bad person. I hurt her. I should have found a way to do things differently, but at the time, I knew I couldn’t let her throw her life away waiting for me, and she would have… at least for a while, anyway. She would have never accomplished this if I didn’t let her go. She was ready to give up her scholarship to stay with me. They were talking five years before I got out, maybe longer. At the time, I thought it was the only way. I thought I was doing it for the right reasons.” I slowly turn to walk away, suddenly not sure why I felt the need to spill my guts to this stranger. I walk out of the smoked glass doors, and he doesn’t try to stop me.
My mind is racing with a million different thoughts as I arrive at the next destination, her apartment. I reach in the back seat and grab the shoe box that I grabbed from my bedroom closet. It contains every letter I’ve ever written to her while I was away. Hopefully, she’ll read them someday. Maybe, it will give her some insight as to what was going through my mind at various times throughout my ordeal. Then, she’ll know that whatever I may have been going through at that particular time, my feelings for her were my one constant.
I walk towards the entrance of her apartment; thankfully someone is leaving and holds the door open so I can slip inside. I check the names on the mailboxes located in the lobby, and then take the stairs to the top floor and knock on the door of apartment C2.
My heart pounds louder against my chest when I hear footsteps on the other side of the door grow closer, but I’m surprised by the person standing before me.
“You must be Mya,” I say to the girl with the piercings and purple-streaked hair, who is staring at me as if she’s about to put a dagger through my heart.
“You must be trouble,” she says dryly, blocking the doorway so I can’t see inside.
Great, another hostile person to deal with. Why not? Everyone else seems to hate me.
“Actually, I’m not. I’m Luke,” I say, forcing a smile.
“I know who you are,” she answers, not amused.
“Can I see her… please?”
“She’s not here.”
“Really? I was just by the gallery and Frank said he dropped her off.”
“He did, but now she’s gone.” She begins to close the door.
I stop it with my hand. “Please, Mya. I need to see her. I have to talk to her.”
“She’s really not here. He dropped her off, but then she said she was taking a walk to clear her head and now I see why,” she says defensively.
“Please…” I beg. “Tell me where she is, it’s dark… and it’s about to rain, she shouldn’t be out there by herself.”
“Funny, considering you’re the reason she runs out in dark, stormy weather in the first place. If you only knew all of the times she had to get out, get air, because she couldn’t breathe late at night… because of you.”
Her words cut through me like a knife piercing my heart. I know that’s what she’s hoping to accomplish by her comment. I finally see the extent of the pain I caused JJ and am beginning to doubt that I can ever make her trust me again.
“I’m sorry,” I answer, feeling defeated. “Could you see that she gets this? Maybe it will help.” I hand her the shoebox and turn to leave.
“Luke, wait. There’s a marina she likes to go to. I’ve followed her there before, just to make sure she was safe. I’m only telling you because I agree, she shouldn’t be out there alone at night, especially with the storm coming in.”
She gives me directions, and then I drive like a mad man, all kinds of scary thoughts going through my head; worrying something bad will happen to her before I have a chance to see her.
I pull into the almost empty lot of the marina and run along the docks, searching up and down for her while the thunder roars from above. The wind is picking up and it seems as if the sky will open up at any minute. The dark water is rough, slamming angrily into the sides of the docks, spitting water into the air, and boats ram up against the wooden beams. Finally, I spot her sitting on a bench facing the water. I want to scream at her for being out here by herself, but it’s because of me that she is here.
“JJ!” I call out, my voice deep with emotion.
I startle her. She jumps up and turns to face me. I hurry down the narrow dock, closing the gap between us, but she turns her back to me and walks within steps of the water.
“What are you gonna do, jump in?” I try to crack a joke to ease the tension as she realizes there is no place left for her to go.
“I’m thinking I may be better off,” she answers sarcastically.
“Maybe, maybe not,” I say softly.
After a long pause, she speaks, “What are you doing here?” It’s obvious that she’s been crying.
“I just want to talk. Please. Can we do that?” I ask gently. “I owe you an explanation. You don’t have to say anything. Please, just listen. I promise I’ll leave you alone after I say what I need to say… if that’s what you want.” I stare into her eyes, which are the color of the sea and just as stormy. Despite the puffiness, they are as beautiful as ever.
“Don’t you think you’re a little late for that talk?” she asks bitterly.
“I hope not. Please, can I just have a minute?”
Hesitantly, she walks towards a bench and sits. She refuses to look at me as I sit next to her. My heart is racing at an uncontrollable speed, I can hardly breathe, and I can’t believe that I’m sitting this close to her again.
She flinches at my nearness and slides away. It takes everything I have not to reach out and touch her. I sit there a minute, trying to catch my breath, taking her in. I can’t stop staring at her. I want to be sure I get the words right and say what I need to say. This may be my only chance. God, it’s been so long.
It seems as if several minutes pass before she speaks. “Say what you need to say.” She says, sensing that I’m watching her.
“I’m sorry.”
She lets out a sadistic chuckle. “Really? That’s it? Okay, you’re forgiven, is that what you want to hear? Now, go! Leave me alone,” she says bitterly, jumping up from the bench.
I grab her hand and pull her back down. “Wait. Sit down. That’s not it.” Touching her hand sends electricity through my veins, jump starting my heart. “I am so sorry for the way I left things. Back then, I didn’t know of another way. I was so screwed up and I was afraid of screwing you up. I thought I was doing the right thing by making you hate me. After all, I hated myself. I know it was a mistake, I think I screwed us both up.
I wanted to contact you, tell you how sorry I was. I wanted more than anything to ask you to wait, but then I would think… three to five years. How could I hold you back? I tried so hard to convince myself this was the best way. Even still, I wrote you letters all of the time, it helped me… made me feel close to you. I was scared to mail them to you, afraid that you would reject them after what I had done to you. Maybe someday you’ll want to read them and have a better understanding of what was going through my mind. I gave them to Mya. Maybe, you’ll just want to burn them… it’s your choice.
The only thing that makes me feel somewhat good about what I did is when I walked into that gallery tonight and saw the walls covered with your paintings. It was awesome. That is what I wanted for you. I couldn’t hold you back for all of those years, waiting on me.”
“You were at the gallery?”
I feel a wave of jealousy come over me. Her first response is concern for her new boyfriend. “Yeah, earlier tonight. It was the first place I looked for you.” I pause, waiting for her reaction. There is none, so I try to remain calm. “I talked to Frank. I told him why I was there, why I needed to see you. He told me he dropped you off at your apartment.” She shows no emotion yet again. I’m not sure if she’s even listening to me. “I’m sorry for sneaking up on you at the stadium today. I didn’t plan on seeing you. De wanted to talk with you first. She didn’t like keeping it from you that I was in town, please don’t blame her. She wanted last night to be perfect for you. She didn’t want to upset you before your show. And obviously, she was right, seeing me upset you immensely.”
There is a moment of silence. I’m scrambling for ways to keep up the conversation. She’s barely giving me anything back. “So what is it that you want from me, Luke?” she asks bitterly as a tear slides down her face and she looks at me for the first time.
“Everything,” I say softly, reaching to wipe the tear from her cheek. She puts up her hand to block me. “You are the love of my life. There will never be anyone else for me,” I whisper.
Her wet, angry eyes bore into mine. “You have no right to say that to me now! You forgot about me! You left me alone! You knew my biggest fear was losing someone I loved AGAIN, and yet, that is exactly what you did to me. How could you of all people do that to me? You made me believe you would never leave me. You never once tried to get word to me, whether by calling, writing, or even through Mikey or Deanna. Do you know how long I waited? That whole first year, I swore you would have somehow tried to contact me. I heard that you were finally home a few months ago. Again, stupid me, I thought, maybe now he’ll call…
Do you know that I have not been home in over two years? I couldn’t… because of you. Everything there, reminds me of you, but if you would have called and said you wanted to see me, I would have jumped on that plane. The fact that you didn’t, made me hate you even more. Knowing that you have been home all of these months and you still never tried to call me, I feel nothing but hate for you right now. I would have given anything to see you, touch you again… even after you treated me so badly. All this time I thought you blamed me for that day…” She breaks down and begins to sob. “…if you hadn’t driven me back—”
I cut her off. I can’t comprehend why she thinks that I blamed her for what happened that day. “Blame you? Are you crazy? Why, would…” I reach over to touch her face and she swats my hand away. Her words sting; to hear her say that she hates me is like being hit by a train.
“If I called you when I got out, you would have hated me even more than you do now. I was not the person I am now, or the person you knew before I left. I was so lost. I couldn’t connect with anyone, not even my family. Yeah, I was home, but I couldn’t adjust. I treated everyone badly and during most of that time, I was angry at you for the same reasons you hated me. I knew that you had to know I was home, and… you didn’t come to see me. Trust me, it was for the best, lookin’ back now, I wouldn’t have wanted you to see me like that. For two years I felt like such a loser. I disappointed everyone that was important to me, especially you.
When I got out, I tried for months to work it out on my own. I was so afraid of upsetting everyone more than I already had. I felt as if I had gone insane while I was away, I couldn’t find myself anymore. Thanks to Mikey, I finally talked to my family. They got me the help I needed. Slowly, I clawed my way back. It took a lot of help before I realized I had to stop hating myself before I could ever let anyone in. Do you understand that I had to forgive myself, believe that I was a good person, worthy to be with you before I could ever see you again?” I ask as I feel the knot in my throat tighten and the tears building within as I plead with her.
She shivers in the cold, stormy weather. “I’ve changed. I’ve found a new life now. I don’t need you like I did then… I don’t know what else you want me to say.” Her voice is harsh, almost cruel.
I never thought I would hear her say that she didn’t need me anymore. I stand up and begin to pace; feeling desperate. My body feels out of control, my head hurts from clenching my teeth so tight and I’m nervously cracking my knuckles. It can’t end like this.
“I know you have a new life, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m not askin’ you to change your life. I guess what I’m askin’ is…”
She’s looking down at the ground. I’m not sure if she’s even listening. Kneeling down in front of her, all I see is the hurt I caused. The fact that she no longer looks at me the way she once did, causes me to break down and no matter how hard I try to hold it in, my body shakes and I begin to sob uncontrollably. I can’t lose her.
I wrap my arms tightly around her waist and bury my head into her lap. “I promise you, I will do whatever it takes for you to let me be a part of your life. I will do whatever you need me to do, please give me another chance. Tell me what I can do to make you forgive me, please… I’ll do whatever it takes… I’ve missed you so much.” I plead the same words over and over as I cling to her, afraid that if I let go, I’ll lose her forever. Every emotion I’ve held in for the last two years pours from my veins.
***
(Jesse)
The sky opens and the rain pours down upon us. Tears stream from my face as I listen to him plead for my forgiveness. I place my hands on top of his head, softly stroking his wet hair as he clings to me with his strong arms, holding on for dear life. I lift his head from my lap and trace the outline of his face with my hands as the rain washes away his tears, memorizing every part of him. I’m so overcome with emotion that I’m finally able to touch him again, I stare deeply into his eyes.
I stand up, reaching for his hands and pulling him up with me. I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and bury my face into his broad chest. His pounding heart is louder than the thunder surrounding us. His muscular arms wrap firmly around me as he holds my head close to his heart. We hold onto each other desperately.
“I’ve waited for this for so long,” he whispers.
Me too, I think to myself as I squeeze him tighter, remembering how our bodies fit so perfectly together. I can barely fathom that he is standing here before me, let alone, being able to hold him again. I lift my head to look at him and his eyes lock with mine until his gaze drifts to my mouth. He lowers his head to meet mine and my hands find their way around his neck. He hugs my body close to his as his hand slides up the back of my neck and he firmly guides my mouth to his.
He kisses me softly at first, until we both realize that we need this. I need to feel the intimacy of his mouth on mine, and soon we can’t stop ourselves. It’s intense and I feel the tears streaming from my eyes, mixing with the rain, as his tongue explores my mouth with urgency. Everything feels so familiar; I’m caught up in the moment of knowing he is here with me and knowing he is safe. Soon, though, reality sets in and I remember how hard I fought to move on without him. I will not get swept up inside of him again. I abruptly pull back.
The rain pelts down and the sky is lit by the lightning. We stand here, momentarily taking each other in. The sad look in his eyes tells me that he knows it’s going to take more than a kiss to make things right. He pulls me to him one last time and we hold onto each other a moment longer. No words are needed.
He shields me from the rain as he guides me to the car. The ride to my apartment is silent except for the sounds of the rain pounding the windshield.
***
(Luke)
I watch her from the corner of my eye, wanting to reach out to her, yet knowing that I shouldn’t. She’s staring out her side window and I wonder what she’s thinking. I know she needs time to absorb everything. I’m scared. I don’t doubt our love, but I think she learned to live without it and may not be willing to take a chance on me again.
I pull up in front of her apartment and she hesitates as she begins to open the door. “Thank you,” she says as she glances over at me.
“For what?” I ask, full of regret.
“For finding me, and making me listen to what you had to say.” She steps out of the car and onto the curb, closing the door, however, she doesn’t move. The rain drizzles over her already soaked body with her back to me.
I roll down the window. “Are you okay?”
She slowly turns to face me. “If you could do it over, would you do it different?”
I nod.
“How?” she asks.
“Well, if you want to hear, you’ll have to get back in.” I lean over to open the door.
Hesitantly, she gets in. She keeps the door slightly ajar, making it clear that she is not planning on staying long.
“You have to know, I am filled with so much regret over the way I handled things.” I look into her eyes with my hand over my heart. “If I could go back, I would never let even one day pass without talking things out with you. I should have leaned on you, let you take care of me. I was such a wreck, I couldn’t think clearly. I know you would have been strong for me. I would have asked you to wait. No, I would have expected you to wait. I think if we talked it through, we could have made it work.
You would have left for USF as planned. That wouldn’t have been an option. I would have pounded it in your head until you realized how upset it made me to hear you say you were going to give up your scholarship. It would have killed me, knowing that you gave it up. I think I should have trusted you enough to know that you would have listened to me if we talked about it reasonably, but I never gave you that chance… I’m sorry. We could have written, talked on the phone, been there for each other.
Anyway, that’s the way I like to think I would handle it if I had the chance for a do-over. To be honest, JJ, if I knew then that I would have been out in less than two years, I know we definitely could have handled it, but the only numbers I heard back then were three to five. Five years, now that would have been hard. How could I have asked you to wait for five years?”
She sits there a second, absorbing what I have said. “I also would like to think we would have been fine if we stuck together. We could have done the five if we had to.” She looks at me with regret, giving me a forced smile.
“Probably,” I tell her, brushing the back of my hand along her cheek.
Without saying another word, she pushes the door open and gets out. The knot in the pit of my stomach is so tight, I can barely swallow. It’s a mixture of a dream and nightmare. The fact that I was able to see her and touch her once more is a dream. The thought of never being able to do it again is a nightmare.