The Do Over

I'd stormed out without even bothering to button up my shirt, and I'd left my jacket on the floor. Knowing Maddy, she shred it to pieces with her scissors. I loved that jacket, but somehow, I knew I deserved that shit. My balls were tight and f*cking killing me.

I got home and went straight to the shower. The water cascaded off my body as the steam clouded the shower door. With one hand pressed against the wall, I lowered my head to try and calm the fury I was feeling. I wrapped my other hand around my dick and began stroking myself.

I tried pushing thoughts of Maddy out of my head, but I couldn't. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to imagine f*cking Daniela. She was the one that I wanted. Sweet, beautiful, and perfect Daniela. Her tight p-ssy had always driven me crazy, but when I let myself go, I saw Madison. I wanted to f*ck her so badly. I could feel my dick inside of her tight and wet p-ssy as I squeezed myself, stroking harder and faster. I could hear her raspy voice moaning, whimpering, and calling out my name. My dick pulsed and throbbed in my hand. I groaned, coming hard. F*ck! The water washed over me as I caught my breath.

I opened the shower door and grabbed the towel, wrapping it around my waist. I stood in front of the fogged up mirror and wiped. What the f*ck has she done to me?

As I walked to my bed, I couldn't get the image of Madison's tits out of my mind or the taste of her p-ssy out of my mouth—one lick was all it took. She's just my friend, my very best friend. I couldn't stop hearing her f*cking insults. God I hate her f*cking guts!

Lying in bed, I stared at the ceiling for hours. I couldn't sleep. I was still pissed off at Madison, but now, I was angry with myself. What was I thinking? I'd royally f*cked up. I needed to make this right. I f*cking spent my life trying to fix my mistakes. I looked over at the clock on my nightstand. It was still too early to call her, or maybe she was awake, getting f*cked, which meant it was the perfect time to call her. The thought of someone touching her tits and sinking his dick into her p-ssy bothered the shit out of me. I didn't want to piss her off anymore, so I waited a few hours. I was going nuts, just waiting for a Madison-appropriate hour. Then, I sent her a text.



Rick: We need to talk.



Silence.



Rick: Maddy, call me.



Silence.



Rick: If you don't talk to me, I'm coming over.



Madison: F*ck off.



Rick: I'll be there in thirty minutes.



I jumped in the shower and got dressed fast and drove over to her place. I have to fix this.

I'd been a total ass to her. I always defaulted to a*shole. Madison was good to me and took care of me better than my mom did. I didn't want to lose what we had. I shook my head as I thought about my hands all over her sexy body. Shit. I was ready to bury my dick in her wet p-ssy. I shouldn't have touched her, but damn, she felt f*cking fantastic. I wanted to f*ck her hard for a very long time. I could've kicked myself for not letting her have her orgasm, but I'd been so pissed off at her. Shit. My f*cking dick was throbbing, thinking about her p-ssy and how much I wanted to watch her come.

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to get myself under control. I was on my way to see her, and I didn't want a repeat of last night. Who am I kidding? That was exactly what I wanted, but I couldn't let myself go there.

I thought about what she'd said about me. Was she telling the truth about me? I needed to talk to her about that. I'd spent the entire night worrying about everything I'd done over the past few months, which culminated into my stellar performance as a complete motherf*cker. And, yeah, my dick was f*cking pissed off at me again. I needed some wet, hot p-ssy. This abstinence was just not natural. I couldn't be thinking about my dick right now. My priority was Madison. Without the threat of flying staplers, I had to get to the bottom of what she'd meant. I was prepared to grovel since it usually worked, and I knew it made her feel like she was in control.

I walked through the sliding doors of Madison's building. Walter was sitting behind the desk as he had been every morning I came.

"Good morning, Walter. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, Mr. Marin," he said, standing. "I'm sorry, but Ms. Stuart has specifically stated that she does not want you to be allowed in."

F*ck! I paced in circles, running my hands through my hair. I turned to face him. Pleading with him, I said, "Walter, please, man, I need your help. We got into a huge fight. I just need to talk to her. Please."

He looked at me with compassion in his eyes. Men understood each other. He saw my desperation. "I can't lose my job. I have a family to support. I'm really sorry," he said.

Leave it to Madison to be a f*cking pain in the ass. I just needed to talk to her, and she was being her typical self by complicating things.

I drummed my hands against Walter's desk, begging him with my eyes.

Walter sighed. "I have to go check the back door, so I won't be monitoring the desk for about ten minutes."

I slowly exhaled a sigh of relief. I won the first battle. I gave Walter a minute to get out of sight before I took the elevator to the fifteenth floor. After I knocked, I stared at the white door, running my hands through my hair. I could hear her moving on the other side.

"Please, Madison, open the door," I begged. I waited a few minutes.

F*ck. I hated when she did this. It was like her f*cking test to see if she could control me. She always did this shit.

I calmed myself down. Leaning against the door, I pleaded, "Maddy, babe, I'm not going anywhere. I'll sit here until you open this door."

"Go away, Rick. And Walter's fired."

"Walter did his job. I snuck in when he left to check on something." I ran my hands through my hair. Groveling, I said, "Just open the door, Maddy. Please. I need to talk to you."

I waited another five minutes.

She finally cracked the door open. "What do you want?"

"Let me inside." I sighed.

"I opened the door. You didn't say anything about letting you in. Now, go," she said, closing the door.

I held the door open with my hand. "Maddy, please. Let me in."

It was a battle of the wills. I wasn't backing down. I was getting answers, and we were going to be okay. She was my f*cking best friend, and I didn't have many of those.

She finally relented and opened the door. "For the record, I hate you."

"I know," I whispered. "Thank you for letting me in." As I followed her inside, I ran my hands through my hair again. This was becoming a hazardous pattern. I was worried my hair was going to start falling out. The last thing I needed to think about when I was fighting to save my friendship was going bald.

Madison was wearing turquoise lounge pants with a matching hoodie. I noticed she wasn't wearing a bra. My eyes settled on her tits, and I had to stop thinking about how great they had felt in my hands. They'd tasted delicious as my tongue had swirled around them and my mouth had sucked on her hard nipples. If I kept it up, I was going to have a problem, namely my dick wanting her p-ssy.

She sat down on the couch, crossed her legs, and folded her arms in front of her. She motioned for me to sit on a chair across from her. She started the conversation. "What do you want, Rick? I think we pretty much said everything there was to say."

"Maddy, I don't want to be a f*cking a*shole anymore. More than anything, I don't want you to be pissed off at me," I said honestly.

She rolled her eyes, huffing. "So, I see you want to know if I'm right about what I said. You don't give a shit about anything else that happened. Nice, Rick, real nice."

"You got that from what I said? See, that's where you're wrong. Maddy, you're my best friend. Please tell me how to make this right." I got up, walked over to her, and kneeled in front of her. "I shouldn't have touched you. I should've at least given you an orgasm. I was just so f*cking pissed at you. You know how you turn me on with that little attitude of yours." When I tilted my head, our eyes met. "It's hot. I don't know what came over me. I just couldn't control it this time. Please, Maddy, forgive me," I begged.

She sat quietly, staring ahead.

I sat down next to her. I was afraid to touch her. "I was an a*shole to call you a whore." I rubbed my hands on my pant legs. She's making this so hard. "You know, it's ironic because I almost kicked Chris's ass when he referred to your questionable reputation."

When she turned to face me, her eyes opened wide as she gasped. "What? You did?"

I laughed softly, nodding. "Yes, I did. Can you believe Lucas broke it up? If one more word came out of Chris's mouth, I was going to beat the shit out of him."

"Why would you do that?" she mumbled, staring at her hands.

I smiled as my hand brushed her hair off her shoulder. "Because you're my Maddy, and I won't let anyone talk shit about you. You're my best friend."

A small smile touched her lips as she shrugged her shoulders. "But it's the truth."

"No, it's not. That's who you let people see, but I know who you really are."

When she pulled her hair back into a mock ponytail, I saw that she still had on the bracelet I'd given to her for Christmas. My lips curled into a smile.

I gently wrapped my hand around her wrist. "This is who you really are."

"Did you give this to me as yet another gift of gratitude for helping you with your quest to destroy Daniela's life?" she asked seriously.

"No, I got this for you because you wanted it. When you saw it, you looked happy. I wanted to make you happy." I rested my hand over hers. "Please know that this bracelet has nothing to do with Daniela." I hoped that the truth was sinking in. "Why are you suddenly so anti-Daniela?"

She sat up straight and shifted slightly away from me. "Have you really thought this through? I mean, you wanted her back, but I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. She's in love with Liam. This guy will literally run into a burning building to save her." She paused, shifting her glance. "Why are you doing this?"

I didn't like this line of questioning. There were variables I hadn't used in my calculations, namely the amount of time and the Lucas factor. Daniela was supposed to fall back in love with me quickly, and she wasn't supposed to get attached to Lucas. I hadn't taken into consideration that he would be a decent guy, and I would feel bad for him. I sat back, running my hands through my hair. I stopped myself and checked my fingers, making sure no hair had fallen out.

"First of all, he's a firefighter. That's his job. Second of all, well, I figured that everything would just work itself out. I miss the life I had with her, and for the past couple of months, I've gotten to know her again. She's even greater than I remembered. I didn't think I could actually enjoy having a relationship with a woman without sex involved." I paused. "Present company excluded. You know that I really like hanging out with you, right? And we obviously don't have sex. Well, we almost did, but that doesn't count. The point is that I've never spent time with a woman, who wasn't a family member, and not f*cked her. It's different…in a good way."

I got up and paced the room. Looking around, I saw that she had great art and a fantastic view of the bay. Everything worked well with the room.

I rubbed the back of my neck, making sure to stay clear of my hair. "I like who she thinks I am. When I'm with her, I'm that man who has changed and grown-up. She makes me wish that I was that man all the time." I convinced myself that I was justified for everything I'd done.

Madison sat still, watching me pace the room. "Have you thought about what this'll mean to her?"

I felt like she was pushing me into a corner. What would it mean to Daniela to be with me? Well, she would be happy. She had loved me once, and now, she couldn't deny that she was feeling something again. She was only confused because of Liam. What she and I had still lingered after all this time. She'd be fine. We'd be happy together.

"Maddy, what's with this line of questioning? I thought you were Team Rick?"

She smiled and then sighed. "I'll always be Team Rick…until I'm not. I don't do attachments because of this precise reason. She isn't going to be okay. You haven't seen her pictures. You haven't seen her face light up like a f*cking Christmas tree when she talks about him. I just don't think that it's going to go the way you want."

She got up from the couch and stood next to me. We both stared out the glass wall that faced the bay.

I asked, "How do you keep these so clean?"

She said flatly, "Cleaning lady."

"Why don't do you do attachments?"

She walked back to the couch. "Why should I? People always disappoint you or leave or both. If I don't form attachments, then…well, I won't get hurt. And that's about all the shrink talk you're getting out of me."

"You can't say you don't form attachments. I'm an attachment. We're friends." I smirked and walked back to the couch.

She threw back her head and looked up at the ceiling. "Well, let me ask you something. When you and Daniela ride off into the sunset together, where do you think that leaves me, your best friend?"

I wondered if I could throw myself off of the balcony. This was why I based my relationships on sex. All this talking bullshit was exhausting. F*ck. I just wanted us to be okay, so things could go back to the way they were. I didn't ask for this f*cking therapy session. Shit, women are so complicated. I was a simple guy. I wanted to eat, sleep, and f*ck. It was pretty straightforward. Guys didn't do this touchy-feely crap unless we were touching and feeling tits, ass, and p-ssy.

She must have sensed that I was reaching my breaking point because she shifted and resumed her blank stare straight ahead of her.

"F*ck, Maddy, what do you want me to tell you? I have no intentions of not being your friend. You're my friend. I care about you. I'm not walking out on you. Where the f*ck is all of this coming from?" Shit. I was running my f*cking hands through my hair again. F*ck, I'm going to go bald. "I don't get this insecure shit that chicks go through. I don't know how to do this shit. I'm really trying here, but I need this broken down into something short, sweet, and to the point."

"Rick, you're such an a*shole!" She rolled her eyes.

I sighed deeply. "That fact has already been established over and over again."

"Fine. Let me break this down into remedial male lingo. This is going to blow up in your face."

"Why are you being so negative?"

"Daniela is going to find out. I don't even want to think about Liam finding out. I worry about you every time you go play basketball with him. Shit, I think he'd kill you."

"You really worry about me? See, I knew you loved me." I winked.

"F*ck you, Rick. Stay on point. This is going to blow up in someone's face. I have nothing to lose, but you and Daniela have a shitload to lose."

"Daniela will never know." I paused. "She can't know. And just a minute ago, you were talking about losing me, which you're not. I'm just throwing your words back at you."

"If you really care about her, you need to cut your losses."

"Stop with your f*cking insecurities. I'm not abandoning you. Everything will be okay."

She screamed, throwing her arms in the air. "This isn't about me! What was it that Liam said to you? You need to love her more than you love your dick. You need to do the right thing. You need to be the Rick she thinks you are. He would do the right thing."

"Maddy, why are you telling me this now? Why would you let me get this far if you thought it was a mistake?"

"It wasn't my call. Frankly, I didn't think you'd let it go this long. I underestimated your obsessiveness and determination. Just answer me one question. Why are you doing this?"

F*ck. I felt like a freight train hit me. I needed a drink. F*ck. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get f*cking laid.

"I thought I was making everything right between us. There's something there." When my eyes met hers, I saw something in them. I felt like a motherf*cking a*shole. "I don't know how to stop this or even if I want to. I want her to pick me."

Madison got up, walked down the hall, and slammed her door shut. I fell back on the couch and covered my face with one of her frilly throw pillows.

F*ck my f*cking life. What the f*ck am I going to do now?





The air was cold, and the night was dark. A cold front was moving in. I couldn't see a single star in the sky. I stood in front of his door, trying to find the courage to knock. I hated what I was about to do, but I knew I needed to be completely honest with Liam. He needed to know. I owed him that much. His one thing was honesty, and I had to give him that.

My heart hammered in my chest as tears welled in my eyes. In a few short months, this man had taught me to feel, to laugh, and to live. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and wanted in a man. He was patient and kind, loving and gentle. He was passionate and so attentive to all my needs. He was amazingly handsome on the inside and out. My heart was shattering. I knew I would crush him. I knew he didn't deserve this, but I had to do this.

I had no one to blame but myself. What was I thinking? I was playing with fire when I'd thought I could handle the flirtation with Rick. I didn't know what had gotten into me. I was a moth to the flame. I couldn't help it. It'd started out harmless. I'd thought it was nothing, but then I'd started to actually enjoy our random conversations and short time together. It wasn't like I'd spent my days thinking of Rick or that I'd thought of him when I was with Liam. It wasn't like that. For that brief time, I had the fantasy of what my life with Rick was supposed to be like. I'd wanted to replace the bitter memories with new ones where I had a happily ever after and not a broken heart.

Rick became my book boyfriend in the flesh. He was the a*shole who reinvented himself for the girl. He was funny, attentive, edgy, and sexy as hell. Like all my other book boyfriends, I could turn off my Kindle and go on with my life, unaffected. The only problem was that things had started changing, and I didn't even realize it until it was too late.

During those stolen moments with him, I was transported to another time. I felt as though the clock had been turned back. The only difference was that Rick had evolved into the man I had dreamed he could be instead of the one he had been. Going back there was dangerous. I was crazy to think I could play that game with him. My sanity had saved me from making a terrible mistake the other night, but the guilt was now eating me alive.

Why would I do something so ridiculous? The first warning sign should have been that I didn't tell my friends about him, and I still hadn't. I didn't want them to talk me out of seeing him or to criticize me for it. But why would they have to if it were healthy and sane? I had to stop this craziness.

I didn't want to keep making the same idiotic mistakes I'd always made all my life. Those mistakes had landed me in dysfunctional relationships with men who had bailed on me without cause or warning. This time, I'd certainly done things differently. I'd given Liam cause to kick my ass to the curb. He'd told me to be honest no matter what. He just wanted the truth. Although Rick and I had never done anything inappropriate, we had come close to it. I knew that I would hate it if Liam had done anything remotely like this. I was such a hypocrite.

I wanted so desperately to be the woman he deserved. I'd never felt this way before, and it scared me. I knew what I had with him. He was solid and trustworthy. He was my rock.

Staring at the door, I was losing the guts to do the right thing, but then I searched for the courage he'd given me with his love. I buried my hands deep into my pockets, trying to keep warm, as I sniffled and shivered from standing outside in the cold air.

Inside was my warmth and comfort. Liam had given me the love and acceptance that I'd always read about. He wasn't a book boyfriend. He was the real thing. I knew that I couldn't embrace the warmth until I learned to let go of the cold. I took a deep breath, and with my shaking hands, I knocked.

Liam opened the door with enthusiasm. He stood there, wearing a T-shirt and jeans that fit him just perfectly, as he held the door with a welcoming smile.

"Hey, baby. Did you forget your key? Come here. You look like you're freezing," he said, pulling me into a warm embrace. "Let me warm you up."

I buried my head into his chest and held on to him tightly. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want this moment to end. I wanted to remember it, so I could feel it always. I didn't know if I would feel his arms around me again. Will he understand? I was scared.

Tears pooled in my eyes as he kissed the top of my head, unknowing of what was to come. He cupped my face in his hands. I closed my eyes as he gently kissed me. When my lips parted, our kiss deepened, and my heart broke.

He caressed my back. "Rough day?"

I didn't answer.

Feeling me stiffen, he pulled back. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He looked at me with concern in his eyes as he wiped away the tear that was rolling down my face. He leaned in and kissed me softly.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay," he reassured.

The tears spilled. Another piece of my heart broke as I embraced the fact that he was my best friend and amazing lover.

"You're scaring me. What's wrong? Talk to me."

He was being so gentle with me. This felt eerily similar to our first fight. The difference was that I knew this evening wasn't going to end with orgasms and him loving me. He walked me over to the couch and turned off the TV. I had no idea what he'd been watching. It was probably some game. He covered me with a blanket and then went to get me a cup of hot tea. I couldn't let him continue with doing all of this for me. I didn't deserve any of it.

The room was warm and inviting, and the lights were dim. I loved this room. I'd always felt at home here with him. I could be selfish. I could think about what I wanted. I wanted this. I wanted what we had. I wanted him, all of him. That was never the issue. I just didn't know if he could have all of me until I let go of the past. I couldn't think about myself right now. I had to do what was right for Liam.

He came back with a cup of hot tea. Without a word, he sat down next to me on the couch. He was being so patient with me.

I took the tea from his hands. "Thank you." Those were the first words that I'd uttered since I'd arrived. I sipped the tea and then put the cup down. The tears had stopped, but it was only a matter of time before they would start again. I needed to be brave. I had to do this. I had to do this for him.

The look of worry on his face was heartbreaking. "Baby, tell me what's going on," he said softly. He tucked my hair behind my ears, caressing my face gently, as his brow wrinkled with concern.

I took a deep breath and pulled away. My heart pounded as the adrenaline surged.

He grimaced. "Talk to me."

He sensed something was seriously wrong. Of course he did. He was very perceptive and insightful.

The atmosphere in the room became tense.

As I removed the blanket, I turned to him and looked at those beautiful blue eyes that had always made me smile. Tonight, they made me tear up.

"Talk to me," he said firmly.

I took his hands in mine. "I love you, Liam," I said softly, looking into his eyes.

"Baby, I love you, too," he said. His thumbs were drawing circles on the back of my hands. "You're scaring me. What's going on?"

Looking away, I breathed in deeply as the tears started flowing. When a sob escaped from me, he pulled me into his chest and held me.

"Help me out here," he insisted. "We can't do anything about whatever's upsetting you unless I know what's going on." He kissed my head and held me tighter. "I love you. You know I love you, right?" he asked softly into my ear. "I'm not going anywhere."

I couldn't hear him say these things.

"Baby, are you worried something's going to happen to me or us?" he asked gently. Trying to reassure me, he added, "You have me. You have my heart. I'm yours."

I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face, and the rest of my heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. He would hate me in a matter of moments. I had become the protagonist that I hated—the one who broke the heart of a wonderful man because she was an idiot. I couldn't believe I had done this to him.

I needed to give him exactly what he was giving me. Pulling back from his warm embrace, I looked into his eyes and steadied my breathing. In a controlled voice, I said, "I am so sorry." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I just can't give you what you deserve right now."

The look in his eyes shifted, but he remained calm. He caressed my face and softly spoke to me. "What are you talking about?"

I took another deep breath. I needed to do this before I lost the courage. I stood up, putting some distance between us. I couldn't be so close to him. I couldn't even look at him. I was a horrible person.

"I, um…" I stuttered.

He knit his eyebrows together.

I had to just do this and get it over with in a Band-Aid fashion. "I need to say this. Please just let me say what I have to say."

"Okay," he said, nodding. He shifted on the couch and sat hunched over with his elbows on his knees, looking at me.

"I do love you. I really do," I said, my voice hitched. I took another breath. "It's not about that at all. You are a wonderful man. You are—"

He stopped me. "Just get to the point, Daniela," he said sternly.

He never called me Daniela. The way he said my name with the glare in his eyes strangled my heart.

"You know about my ex and how our breakup crushed me?"

He sat back and rolled his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair.

I paused a moment before continuing. "He's been coming around," I confessed.

Liam stood up and started pacing as he shook his head. "Go on," he said flatly.

"I told you about the first time I ran into him on Lincoln Road. What I haven't told you is that we kept running into each other…every Saturday. I just need to figure things out, and I don't want to hurt you," I said, pleading.

He turned around and looked me square in the face. His eyes were glassy, and his expression was tense. "Hurt me?" he asked. "Are you in love with him?"

I shook my head, but then I said, "I don't know. I don't think so." I cried. I was so confused.

He continued pacing as I told him everything.

"I promise you…I swear to you on everything that matters to me that I didn't do anything with him. I swear. You have to believe me. I would never do that to you. I know I f*cked up. I thought we could just be friends or be friendly," I said with desperation in my voice.

He stood, leaning on the dining room table, with his head hung low.

"Please, Liam, I beg you. You have to understand. When he and I broke up, something inside of me died. I don't know how to explain it. I just wanted that time in my life to not have been so horrible, and I thought I could replace those bad memories with good ones. I don't know. I wasn't thinking. It was like when I was with him, we were back then and not now. It was crazy and wrong. I know it was wrong, very wrong. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wish I could go back and do everything differently. I'm trying to be honest with you. You said you could work with honesty."

"You have got to be f*cking kidding me, Daniela," Liam growled. His eyes were filled with anger and hurt. "This is honesty? You've been keeping this from me for months. A lie by omission is still a lie. I put you first above everyone and everything. I've done everything in my power to make you happy. I have bent over backward to reassure you. I've even shared your affections with fictional characters. F*ck, I've loved you with everything I have in me."

"If I would've known that this would happen, I would have never, ever let my guard down. I didn't know this was going to happen. I wish I could do it over again. I wish I could have handled it differently," I said with worry in my voice. "Please…you have to know that I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm trying to do the right thing now."

"What is it exactly that you want me to do with this 'right thing' you're doing now? Because what I'm hearing is that you don't know what you feel or what you want with me. Are you telling me that 'it's just not happening for you'? You definitely surprised me. I was totally blindsided. Oh, wait…no, that's what your ex did to you. I can tell you right now that I know exactly how you felt when you were blindsided, and you're leaving me for the a*shole that broke your heart."

His words cut me like a knife. "I never said that," I whispered. "I just need some time to figure things out."

He started pacing again. I could tell he needed to let out some steam. His arms were resting on the top of his head. I couldn't stand to look at his eyes, so I looked away. How could I do this to him? When I turned back, his back was shaking as he cried softly. When I placed my hand on him, he rejected my touch.

"Just leave," he said, brokenhearted.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love—"

He turned around and looked deep into my tear-filled eyes. His eyes were pained and anguished. He said, "Don't even say it. Get out." Then, he walked away and slammed the door to his room.

I went to my key ring and unfastened the key he had given to me and left it on the counter next to his key ring. I walked out of the warmth, closing the front door behind me, into the cold night. I fell to the ground, crying, as I held on to the doorknob.





I slammed the bedroom door after I told her to leave my apartment—our home. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I still didn't understand any of it. I just needed to get away from her. I needed to think.

Why on earth is she doing this? I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. As I looked around, I saw a couple of pictures of us by the bed. Her brush along with some of her girlie things mocked me. They had to quickly go.

When I heard the front door close, I knew she was gone. I was so angry and frustrated. I pushed everything that was on top of the dresser to the floor. I needed to get my composure and regain control of myself. I needed an action plan.

I fell in love with her. I picked up the Kindle that she had kept by the bed. As I held it in my hands, the memories that we shared flooded over me. I felt like I was drowning in them. My heart had been ripped from my chest. The aching pain was excruciating. Since that first night with her, I knew that I would never let her go. I just didn't know how to hold on anymore. The injury was too fresh. I needed to recover and regroup, and I couldn't do that with the constant memories that came from seeing her things all around me.

Methodically, I began to pack her belongings into an empty box. I opened the drawers, went through the closet, and emptied out the bathroom. I walked out to the living room, and then I stared at the box before I sealed it closed. Everything was moving in slow motion. As I looked around the room, it seemed eerily empty as though the joy had been sucked out of it. I picked up the blanket that had kept her warm. As I held it close to me, a deep ache pierced my heart.

I let out a deep breath as I continued to scan the room. I picked up her cup of tea and dumped it in the sink. When I saw her key on the counter, the knife plunged deeper into my heart. My key ring was in its usual spot, sitting close to where she'd left her key. It was the one thing I couldn't bring myself to do. I couldn't take the key she'd given me off my key ring. It was the only way that I could stay connected with her.

I went back to the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the wall. Every time my eyes closed, I either saw her smile or her tears, so I stayed awake. None of this made sense. It just hurt so goddamn much. The hours passed.

Before I knew it, it was seven in the morning, I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Chris.



Liam: Need you to give Macy a box for me as soon as you can.



Chris: Sure, dude. What's up?



Liam: Just need the favor.



Chris: Okay.



I set my phone down on the table and dozed off for a little while until a knock at the door woke me up. I knew it was Chris. I didn't expect him to come this soon, but I was glad he did. Chris was a good friend. He was a pain in the ass most of the time, but without a doubt, the man always came through for me and always had my back.

As I opened the door and stood to the side, I said, "Hey, bro, come in."

Chris walked in with Macy.

I wasn't expecting her. I just wanted him to come over, pick up the box, and get it out of here. "You didn't have to come right away."

"Lucas, what's the nine-one-one? You never text me at this ridiculous hour unless it's important. You really think I wouldn't come over right away?" Chris said as he looked around. When he turned back to me, he said, "F*ck. Dude, what the hell happened? You look like shit."

"Chris, not now," I said, holding everything together. I wasn't about to fall apart like the chick he said I was, especially not in front of Macy.

I just needed Macy to give Dani her stuff. She was off in the corner, texting away. She occasionally looked up and gave me a small smile, but her eyes said something else. Macy walked over. She seemed surprisingly calm.

"Liam, I can't get a hold of Dani. I've mobilized Candace to go to her house. So, it's up to me to get to the bottom of what happened." She tilted her head to look me in the eye. "Did you guys have a fight? Why do I have to give her this box?"

With my eyes closed, I held the bridge of my nose, trying to find the words to best say things without losing it. Saying it out loud was going to make it real. When I opened my eyes, I let out a deep breath. I mustered all the control I could.

"Dani needs to figure things out. Her ex has been coming around, and she wants to replace the bad memories with good ones. She doesn't know how she feels."

I started walking in circles with my hands on top of my head, breathing deeply just to keep my composure. I was hurt and pissed.

When I looked over at Macy, her body language had changed. Shit. I had never seen her look like anything but goofy. She was now a force to be reckoned with.

"What has that motherf*cking a*shole, Rick F*cking Marin, done now?" Macy asked.

Suddenly, a new level of rage emerged in me.

Both Chris and I snapped our heads in her direction.

"What did you say?" I asked Macy. I needed to make sure I heard her correctly. Can there possibly be more than one Rick Marin in Miami?

"What has Rick done now?" she said, getting her phone ready to text.

I took the phone out of her hand and gave it to Chris.

"Babe, look at me. You have to tell us about Rick," Chris said.

"I'm confused. Dani said she told you about her relationship with Rick, and the heartbreak, and the blah, blah, blah, he's-an-a*shole-but-my-a*shole shit," Macy said, rambling.

I lowered my head so that Macy and I were eye to eye. "Focus, Macy. You need to tell me exactly who Rick F*cking Marin is," I said angrily.

"Liam, calm down. You're scaring me. What do you want to know about Rick the dick, except that he's an egotistical, arrogant a*shole? I'm going to f*cking kick his ass, and I swear Candace is going to cut off his male appendage. F*ck, I knew when we saw him last week that he was bad news, but no, Dani told me to get over it."

All I could see was red. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was ready to pop. Right now, I needed Macy to speak to me coherently. "Macy, just get to the f*cking point! Who the f*ck is Rick? And what do you know?"

"Don't kill the messenger," she said quite seriously.

F*ck. I didn't have time to deal with these power struggles. I needed information.

Chris chimed in and said, "Babe, we just need to confirm the identity of Rick. I need to know if the Rick we know is the same motherf*cker that you know."

"I don't think there are that many Rick Marins in Miami. Let's see. Is your Rick Marin a motherf*cking a*shole? If so, ding, ding, ding. By the way, how the hell do you know Rick?" Macy asked.

"Chris, I'm going to kill that motherf*cker," I said, clenching my fists.

Chris put his hands on my shoulders. "Lucas, calm down. He's not worth it."

"That motherf*cker has been f*cking playing me from day one. Shit, that night at the club, I was ready to kick his ass when he gawked at her and made some asinine comment about tapping her." I backed away from Chris and started pacing. "During all those basketball games, he'd talk about getting his ex back. His ex is Dani. I f*cking gave him advice on how to steal my girl. I'm such a f*cking idiot."

"Will someone please tell me what you guys are talking about? How do you guys know Rick?" Macy asked loudly. She grabbed Chris. "Oh shit, he's not the Madison hook up, is he?"

"I know Rick from the clubs," Chris said. "I introduced him to Lucas that night you and the girls came to Breathe." He stopped and then looked over at me. "I didn't know, Lucas. F*ck, I'm sorry, bro. This is my fault."

"Dani didn't see Rick for a couple of weeks after that," Macy said, cupping his face. "Chris, it's not your fault. Trust me. Rick is a manipulative prick. He's the one at fault here. Plus, we didn't see him there. Maybe it's all a coincidence. I always thought it was strange that he ran into her at Van Dyke's, but anything is possible, right?"

"Is it a coincidence if he knew where she was going to be because I was an a*shole and blurted it out?" Chris said, shaking his head. "F*ck, I'm going to kill him. Bro, I'm so sorry. Shit."

I was done listening to all of this. I needed to get out of here. I was going to kill him. That motherf*cker had been playing me for months. All the bodychecks, questions, and snide remarks now made sense. I knew I hadn't liked him. I'd always had a gut feeling that he was a douchebag. I couldn't see straight. I grabbed my keys and started for the door.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Macy asked. Standing with her arm out, she tried to stop me from walking out the door.

"Macy, get out of the way. Where am I going, you ask? I'm going to have a little talk with that a*shole," I said, trying to push around her.

She was determined to not let me pass. For a tiny little thing, she was strong when she wanted to be.

"Since we're all here, how long have you known about all this?" I asked Macy.

Chris hung his head low, shaking it.

"You're not going anywhere. Candace and I will take care of this. And, for the record, do you really think we knew about this? If we did, this would never have happened," she said.

She acted as though she had some sort of say in the matter. This was my battle, and I was going to fight it.

"Macy, move out of the way," I said sternly.

"No. You're going to go kick Rick's ass because you're pissed off at him. Granted, I would actually like to watch that, but that's not the point. I'm going to go take care of my friend. This isn't about you. This is about what he's done to her."

"Macy, let me make something crystal clear to you," I said with fire glaring from my eyes. "Dani and I are one. I don't know where she starts and I end. My f*cking heart was ripped out of my chest because of that a*shole. Don't you lecture me on my intentions. He did this to us. He f*cked with her; he f*cked with me. I love her more than I love my own life. So, move the f*ck out of my way."

"You know she loves you," she said.

"Yeah," I said, "just not the same way."

"That's not true."

"Macy, save it. You're a good friend. I have to go."

"Babe, give him space," Chris said. "Why don't you call Candace and wait for us to call you."

"No, I'm going with you guys," Macy insisted, as she walked toward the door and opened it for us.

The walk down to my car was rushed but quiet. We climbed into my car and drove to Lincoln Road since Dani told me she and Rick met there every Saturday. Macy spent the entire drive trying to convince me that I was wrong.

"I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be. I'm pretty sure that Rick f*cked with her head. He's a master manipulator. Please, Liam, don't walk away from her. She doesn't know what she's doing. Just be open-minded."

I stopped acknowledging her ramblings. It wasn't Macy's job to convince me of anything. It was Dani's. At the moment, she had no idea what she wanted. I couldn't think about any of that. I only had one thing in mind, and that was Marin.

"Macy, come on, babe. Leave him alone," Chris said

"Ugh, I can't believe you're telling me to shut up." Macy said, sitting back in her seat. I saw through the rearview mirror that she had her arms crossed and was pouting. Chris looked over at her a few times, and she glared at him.

"Dude, you need to calm down," Chris tried to reason.

I shot him a look before I turned my eyes on the road, gripping the steering wheel as I drove toward Miami Beach, grateful that there was no traffic.

I drove down Alton Road toward Lincoln Road and found a spot. After we pulled in, I jumped out of my car.

Chris ran around to hold me back. "Lucas, look at me. Don't do this. He's not worth it."

"He's a piece of shit, Chris. She's not, and she is so worth it," I responded with determination. I didn't know what I was going to do to him when I saw him, but I wasn't going to let it go.

We turned the corner and started our way down Lincoln Road. I was walking, but Macy was jogging, telling me to slow down. I was in survival mode. I didn't hear anything around me. I assessed my surroundings, mentally calculating the dangers, the environment, and how to reduce risk.

I was going into a fire to save her. And then I froze.





I sat in my car, staring up at the light in his window. When I turned on my car, the radio started playing softly in the background. I couldn't put my car in gear. I wanted to run back up to his door and beg him to forgive me. I couldn't do that until I dealt with Rick and whatever was going on between us. I owed Liam that much. It would've been selfish to keep this from him and drag him through hell while I figured things out just because I couldn't bear to be without him. I had to stop being selfish. I put my car in gear and drove home.

The ride home was dark and lonely, matching my emotional state. With each passing traffic light, my heart sank lower into despair.

I pulled into my driveway and stared out the windshield. I willed myself to get out of the car and walk through the door of my dark home. I dropped my purse and keys on the table and then went straight to my room. I didn't have the energy to change. Crawling into bed and lying under the covers, I tried seeking comfort on this cold January night, but I couldn't warm the chill that had entered my heart. My tears were replaced by numbness.

In the darkness, I flipped through the pictures of Liam and me on my phone. I watched the video of when he had serenaded me. My heart ached at the memory of when he'd declared his love for me during that weekend.

He was my air. How would I learn to breathe without him? I'd never experienced this type of pain. My heart shattered into a million pieces. A realization seeped in. He was my heart, and now, he was gone. This was all my fault. What have I done? Why couldn't I just let go of what could have been with Rick and embrace what I already had with Liam?

Morning would come soon enough. I would meet Rick, as per our unspoken ritual, an hour before brunch on Lincoln Road. Until then, I lay in the dark as I stared at pictures of Liam, gently stroking the image of his face.

I whispered, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

I put my phone down on my chest. Eventually, exhaustion got the best of me, but it was far from a satisfying peace. I tossed and turned the night away, never truly falling asleep. Lying on my side, I stared at nothing, hoping that somehow maybe it would turn into something. Could this have all been a bad dream? My splitting headache and the smeared mascara stains on my pillow told me it wasn't.

My room was still dark even though I could see small rays of sun barely breaking through the corner of my blinds. My heart ached at the memory of when Liam had gone to Home Depot to take care of my morning-too-bright problem. He was always taking care of me. How did I repay him? I broke his heart.

I pulled myself together. I had to get out of here. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle things with Rick. That was the major problem. I had to stop living in the fantasy of the past. I wasn't stupid. I knew that Rick was showing me his best behavior. As much as I believed he'd changed, there was something inherently Rick about him. It was that combination that was so alluring. I needed distance from the drug that was Rick Marin. I just didn't know how to walk away from it.

As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, I reached for my toothbrush, but I pulled Liam's instead. Memories of the morning when he'd used my toothbrush rushed over me. Tears pooled in my eyes as I remembered his touch and the way he'd looked at me. I loved him. I felt regret course through my body and suck the air from my lungs as it squeezed my heart.

I needed to finish what I'd started. I wasn't a fictional character who the author could redeem in a few keystrokes. The truth was that I was a loathed character in the story of my life. I'd made a huge mess, and I needed to clean it up. The only hope of redemption I had was to own it and somehow find the ability to forgive myself for destroying the love I'd shared with the man I adored.

I put on a pair of black yoga pants and a hooded Miami Heat sweatshirt. I twirled my hair and clipped it up. I slipped on my sneakers and then walked out the door. As I reached for my sunglasses that sat on the dresser, I saw that I had a text message from Macy, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to her. I ignored her and walked out the door and got into my car.

As I pulled out and drove toward Miami Beach, I heard my phone buzz again. Looking down, I saw that I'd had a few messages from both Candace and Macy. I'd deal with them later for what would become a lengthy discussion of the worst twenty-four hours of my life. I wasn't sure how to even begin to handle the fallout from them. If it were anybody else but Rick, they would've been completely loyal to me. But I brought this on myself. I should've talked to Candace that day we shopped, but I knew she wouldn't approve or understand. She would've lectured me and told me that if I continued down this path, that I'd regret it. She would've been right, and I hated that about her. Macy would be mad that I didn't say anything to her, but I couldn't trust her to keep her big mouth shut. She would've said something to Candace and Chris. I sounded like a freaking junkie hiding my addiction.

My phone continued to buzz as I drove, and I was tempted to turn it off. I turned into the parking space and got out of the car.

The sky was gray, and a snapping cold breeze blew around me as I walked down Lincoln Road. We wouldn't be eating outside today. The weather was keeping the freaks and models inside. South Floridians were such wimps. It was okay with me. The dreary, lonely road seemed quite fitting. All I needed was a little rain to make it perfect, but there were no clouds in the sky. Crap, I had to get out of my self-pity mindset. I needed to get a grip.

I sat down on the ledge of the fountain where Rick and I had sat many times before. When my phone buzzed again, I saw I had a text message from Candace, but I didn't read it. I put my phone away in my purse and then buried my hands in my sweatshirt to keep them warm. I tucked my head into my chest to shield my face from the cold. Staring at my feet, I waited in complete numbness, freezing.

"Good morning, sunshine," Rick said as he walked over to me.

He was carrying what I could only assume was a cup of coffee for him and a hot chocolate for me. I was impressed that he remembered what we'd drink on cold mornings. I shouldn't have been surprised though that he looked like he had just come from a photo shoot. He was wearing black jeans that hugged him just right and a black leather jacket that was zipped up. He shot me that signature dimpled-Rick smile that could get any woman to do whatever he wanted.

I tilted my head to greet him with a half-smile. "Hey."

"Daniela," he said with concern in his eyes as he sat down next to me. "Are you okay?" He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me. "Here, take this. You're freezing. Drink your hot chocolate. You'll feel better."

His scent and warmth overwhelmed me. I was a junkie in a crack house. It was almost like he was holding me. I closed my eyes, embracing the feeling. I relished in it for a brief moment before I opened my eyes and looked over at him. "No, I'm not okay," I answered.

On the drive over, I had rehearsed the conversation in my head. Somehow, my mind went blank. How do I tell him that I'm in love with another man, but at the same time, I miss what we had or what we could have had?

I could tell he was searching for the right thing to say.

"Look at me. Tell me, Cariño, what's wrong?" he asked with concern.

In the entire time Rick and I had been together, I had never known him to be concerned. He'd always fixed things with a smile or sex, or he'd dismissed it altogether. His default, as was mine so often, had been denial. But here he was now, being gentle, kind, and caring. This was confusing the shit out of me. Why can't he just be the a*shole that I knew? That would've made everything so much easier, but no, he had to go and be sweet. While I was wearing his jacket that smelled like delicious Rick, sweet Rick was doing a number on me. I needed to focus.

"I told Liam the truth and broke his heart," I said.

I heard the words out loud for the first time. They had the power to sober me up from my Rick high. A whimper escaped me, and a tear followed.

My reality came crashing into my fantasy, and it was an ugly collision.





When I first saw her sitting by the fountain, I thought she was just cold. I was glad I'd stopped to get her hot chocolate with extra whip cream, just the way she liked it.

I knew this would be the last time I saw her. Madison had been right. I couldn't keep doing this to her. I needed to be the man she thought I was, not the man I actually was. I didn't even pretend to be running. This time, I came dressed as myself, no longer masquerading.

I'd gotten to know Daniela differently. She really was an amazing woman who deserved to be truly loved. I could never give her what Liam gave her. He'd been right. I needed to love her more than I loved my dick.

As I got closer, I noticed that she wasn't just cold. Her puffy eyes were downcast and her nose was red.

"Daniela," I called out to her, handing her the hot chocolate. "What's the matter?"

With barely a whisper she answered, "I told him the truth."

This was unexpected and not part of my plan. We were supposed have that closure shit that women were always talking about. We were supposed to go on with our lives even though I was really going to miss her. Now, I needed to assess the damage from this confession.

I gently wiped the tear from her face. "What exactly did you tell him?" F*ck. The more I thought I about it, I knew this wasn't good. Why couldn't anything ever go according to my plans? I really was trying to do the right thing.

"Everything," she said, looking up at the sky with sad eyes.

Damn, she's speaking in chick language. Everything could mean everything, or it could be nothing, or it could mean something. A million scenarios ran through my head, but with the look in her eyes, I could tell that I should imagine the worst. Madison had been right. I had ruined everyone's life. I couldn't believe she'd told him everything. I was torn between saving my ass and comforting her.

"Why did you do that?" I finally asked, figuring that question covered both of our interests.

She turned to me. "I couldn't lie to him or myself anymore."

What is it with women and their inability to just get to the point? What was she lying to him about? What was she lying to herself about? Oh f*ck!

Nervous energy started to course through my body. I really needed to stand up and start moving, but she was sitting quietly. Instead, I bounced my leg and ran my hands through my hair. I accepted the fact that the price I was paying for being a motherf*cking a*shole was that I would go bald.

"Cariño, look at me. What do you mean by lying to yourself? About what? Do you want to be with me?" I asked.

A part of me wanted her to say yes. It had been my obsession for months. But the other part of me wanted her to say no. I knew the truth, and if she stayed with me, it would come out. Madison had been right. The truth always came out. Daniela was smart. The truth was that I didn't know how long I could keep up this charade, and she didn't deserve the snake oil I sold her. She had the real thing. Why did she have to tell him anything? She should've talked to me first.

"Rick, I don't know how to say this. I love Liam," she said, closing her eyes. Then, she opened them, looking right into mine. "But when I'm with you, I can't deny that I feel a connection to you." She sighed deeply as she hung her head.

"No, Daniela, I'm no good for you. You need to go back and talk to him. He'll take you back. He loves you."

Shit. This was not happening. Why did she have to go and do that? I was finally doing the right thing. Damn, my f*cking timing sucked.

"It's not that simple. He told me to leave," she said as a stream of tears fell.

Shit. This was just as Madison had predicted. F*ck. How the hell do I fix this now? I needed to calm her down and make this right. I'm such an a*shole.

"You love him. I should have stayed away from you when you told me you had a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I was a selfish a*shole."

"Why didn't you stay away?" she asked, looking so sad.

I was definitely going to hell. I knew she deserved some degree of truth.

"Hmmm…because I couldn't. When I saw you, I regretted everything I did, especially how I treated you. I wanted to make everything right with us. I wanted you back. I didn't deserve you then, and I most certainly don't deserve you now."

"I did try to get rid of you, but you were persistent. The truth is that I'm the one that should have stayed away, but I didn't want to. I thought you were harmless."

"Harmless? Really?" I asked her with a raised eyebrow.

"Okay, you're right. I don't think anyone could say you're harmless. I just thought I could handle you," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

F*ck. I'd perfected the art of being an a*shole when I made her think she could handle anything I was bringing to the table. I fought between damage control and coming clean with her. I had to think quickly and remember Madison's tips. I needed to be the man Daniela thought I was. I needed to psyche myself up for this because I was on the verge of panicking. I chose damage control.

"Daniela, nothing happened. You can go back to Lucas with a clean conscience."

"Rick, what did you call him? Forget it. I don't know what I'm hearing. Anyway, that night…" she said, looking at me.

I closed my eyes, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

She exhaled slowly. "I wanted you. You could have taken me against that wall. I was ready for you."

That was exactly what I'd wanted to do to her. F*ck. My dick was semi-hard. It wasn't fully hard probably because of my stress level and the fact that I was freezing my ass off. I'd wanted to f*ck her so hard up against that wall. I could tell she'd wanted me. Her eyes had dilated. Her pulse had been rapid, and her nipples had looked hard. F*ck. I'd jacked off in the shower that night, thinking about how it would've felt to slide my dick inside of her right there in public. Shit. I needed to focus. I needed to love her more than my dick. I was going to be a hero here and try to undo some of the damage by taking responsibility. Whatever the f*ck that meant.

"I know you were…but you didn't. That whole thing was my fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were in control the entire time. You stopped me because you love him. You would never betray him," I said, running my hands through my hair. I looked over at her. "You never loved me the way you love him. I wish you did. I wish I were somehow worthy of it. But you don't, and I'm not."

Madison would've been proud of me. I pulled it off. It was the truth…well, at least most of it. The important stuff was honest. I had wished that she would've loved me like she loved Lucas, but she didn't. A part of me felt like shit because of that. The other part of me felt proud that I could actually do a non-a*shole thing.

"I love him. I really do love him. I feel like I have a hole in the middle of my chest right now. But how do I explain wanting you?" she asked, not letting go.

Why on earth are women like this? Why do they have to analyze everything to death? Between Maddy and Daniela, they were going to drive me crazy. This was too much work. I really was too much of a selfish bastard to do this all the time.

"What we had was intense, Cariño. When I look at you, I see a beautiful and sensual woman. I seduced you into wanting me because I know how your body responds to me—my voice, my touch, and my gaze. I wanted you, but that was wrong of me. You belong to someone else. I was being selfish," I said, confessing my sins to her.

Her eyes started to get watery as her nose turned red. "I rehearsed in my head so many different ways of saying all of this, and nothing is coming out right. If you knew Liam, you would know the type of man that he is. He is such a good man, and he's wonderful to me. Those words don't even begin to describe him. You just have to know him. If you knew him, you would know what I was talking about. He's the best, and he always puts me first. His heart belonged to me. His friend Chris would tease him about being p-ssy whipped and turning into a total chick. Oh my god, it was hilarious. But he didn't care because he loved his girl."

When she paused, I thought I was going to throw up my café con leche. My list of sins was getting longer. I was riddled with guilt, remorse, and a little vomit.

"He sounds like a really great guy," I said.

"Yeah, he is. I f*cked up," she said sadly.

I knew her friends would be arriving soon, so she wouldn't be left alone. I needed to do what I came here to do, and I needed to do it right.

I stood up for a minute to stretch, and then I squatted in front of her. Taking her hands in mine, I looked her in the eye. "Daniela, you are a wonderful and beautiful woman. My life is better because I've known you. I want to be the man you think I am, but I'm not. You deserve everything. You don't belong with me. I don't think you ever did. Liam is worthy of your love. I came here today to say good-bye."

F*ck. I had to stop and look away when she started crying. I had to hold back my own tears. F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. I had officially become a chick.

"Daniela, no llores. Please stop crying. I haven't earned your tears. I'm so sorry for everything. I can't do this to you anymore. Go to Lucas. He loves you, and he knows that you love him," I implored. "Please…don't underestimate his love for you."

Before she could say anything, I heard a voice I had not expected.

"Marin."

F*ck my f*cking life.