The Beautiful Widow

CHAPTER NINE



TONI WILLED STEEL TO start the car quickly; she wouldn’t put it past Poppy to open the door and ask for Steel’s autograph!

Poppy was still blatantly staring as they drew away, and it was a moment before Steel drawled, ‘Eye candy?’

‘You heard.’ She blushed a cherry red. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I didn’t know women spoke in those terms.’

‘Poppy does.’ And I’ll strangle her later.

‘And you? Do you think I’m eye candy?’

Toni nerved herself to look at him, but could read nothing from the expressionless profile. ‘I think you’re a good-looking man,’ she said primly.

‘Thank you very much, fair maiden. My ego remains intact.’ He grinned at her before pulling into the deserted car park of a builders’ merchant that wasn’t yet open. Cutting the engine, he reached across and turned her head towards him by a gentle hand on her chin. ‘Do you want to know what I think about you? You’re the most beautiful, fascinating, sexy, complete woman I’ve ever met. And the most puzzling and frustrating. But I’m getting to grips with the puzzle now.’

His voice had been deep and warm and very sensual, and she shivered, but not from the cold morning. And when he had completed the puzzle, what then? Was that when he grew bored and walked away? She had seen a photograph of his last girlfriend in the paper a few weeks ago, Barbara something or other. She had won a big court case and her gorgeous face had been splashed all across the tabloids. Someone in the office had thrust it under her nose and as she’d stared at the laughing woman in the photograph she’d felt her heart sink, although she hadn’t allowed herself to question why. Barbara had been stunning and acutely intelligent to boot, the epitome of the sort of wonder woman who might just manage to hang onto someone like Steel. Only she hadn’t. And so what chance would a mere mortal have?

‘Toni?’ Steel’s voice brought her out of her whirling thoughts. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ She forced a smile. ‘I was just thinking none of those adjectives fit me, that’s all.’

‘If any other woman said that to me I’d think they were angling for more compliments, but you actually mean it, don’t you?’ He shook his head, his silver-blue eyes stroking over her face. ‘I’m going to build up that self-esteem until you’ll expect to bowl everyone over when you walk into a room, just like you do me.’

‘Oh, Steel.’ She couldn’t help smiling.

‘You’re delicious, woman.’ His voice was muffled as he leant across and nuzzled her throat, causing her pulse to pound in reaction. ‘And you wear the sexiest perfume. I catch a whiff of that in the office and I lose the plot entirely.’

‘Steel, you never lose the plot.’ Her voice was husky. He was dropping little burning kisses over her throat and chin as he worked up to her mouth.

He took her lips and kissed her long and hard before he said, ‘It’s a regular occurrence since you came to work for me. I see you sitting demurely at your desk working away and all I can think of is how you’d look spread out on it being ravaged. You’ll walk into my office for a minute or two and then it takes me an hour to get control again. I want to take you on the sofa in my office, on the floor, hell, anywhere. I’m obsessed with you, woman. Don’t you know that?’

She was entranced by his idea of her as a femme fatale, but still felt as though it were another woman he was talking about. Richard’s love-making had always been brief and perfunctory, an exercise to relieve himself of a bodily need. She’d often felt a blow-up doll would have served him just as well for all the interest he actually took in her, as a woman. His lack of interest had chipped away at her self-confidence in her femininity more than she’d realised.

‘You’re gorgeous, Toni, and all woman.’ It was as though he could read her mind. ‘I can’t get enough of you.’

Her soft sigh shuddered through her body as he pulled her into him, kissing her again, and then as he caught himself on part of the car he swore softly. ‘If anyone had told me a few months ago I’d be necking in the front seat of my car I’d have laughed at them. One day I’m going to have you exactly where I want you. You know that, don’t you?’

He slid fully into his seat as he spoke, starting the engine and pulling out of the car park as the first employee drove in.

They drove straight to Steel’s apartment. She hadn’t been there since her interview months ago, and it was as beautifully indifferent as she remembered, right down to the bowls of hothouse blooms arranged about the sitting room. She glanced round and then started as Steel put his arms round her middle, nuzzling the back of her neck as he said, ‘You were frowning—why?’

She spoke the truth. ‘The plans I’ve got for that lovely old house are nothing like this. You do realise that, don’t you? Are you sure you want me to have a free hand?’

‘Never been so sure of anything in my life.’ He turned her round to face him, his eyes glowing a deep silver made all the more striking by his thick lashes and the black stubble coating the lower part of his face. ‘And I told you, the house is to be a home. This place is convenient but it’s never really been that.’

It was slowly dawning on her that she had the right to touch him, to act like a girlfriend, and now she placed her palms along either side of his face. This man had swept away all the rules she’d made for herself when Richard had died and she knew she was playing with fire, but she couldn’t help herself.

His day-old beard was sandpapery against the soft skin of her fingers, and he smiled as she grimaced. ‘I know, I’m rough.’

She touched the odd grey hair in the jet black; he was greying slightly at his temples too and it suited him, adding a devastating maturity to his sexiness. ‘Silver threads,’ she murmured. ‘And very distinguished too.’

‘I’m thirty-eight years old, Toni. Thirty-nine in the New Year. Does that worry you?’ He was suddenly very serious.

‘Worry me?’ She didn’t understand. ‘Why would it worry me?’

‘I’m eight years older than you.’

‘My father is ten years older than my mother, as it happens. They used to laugh about it when I was growing up. My mother’s always called him her sugar daddy.’

He grinned the grin that had the power to make her weak at the knees as he released her. ‘I’ll go and freshen up. Make some coffee, would you? You’ll find everything somewhere in the kitchen.’ He waved a vague hand.

She took off her coat and left it with her handbag on one of the sofas, wandering through to the kitchen as Steel disappeared. The kitchen was amazing, all stainless steel, pale maple wood and glittering black granite worktops, with an Italian porcelain floor Toni knew would have cost an arm and a leg. Here, though, Maggie’s touch was evident. A pile of cookery books next to the fabulous stove, an apron slung over the back of a chair and a row of fresh herbs in little glass containers on the window sill. Homely touches to soften the show-room perfection.

She dug and delved and managed to have the coffee poured out and waiting when Steel strolled into the kitchen a few minutes later, shaved and hair still damp from the shower. He was wearing a brilliant white shirt, unbuttoned, and tailored black trousers, and he was barefoot.

Toni took one look and knew she was lost. The next stage of their relationship was going to progress as fast as wildfire and right now, she thought as she walked straight into his open arms. He didn’t kiss her at once, simply holding her against him as he looked deeply into her eyes. ‘I’ve missed you while I’ve been gone,’ he murmured lazily, his eyes smiling into hers.

She giggled, wrapping her arms round his lean waist. ‘You’ve only been gone five minutes.’

‘Five minutes is five lifetimes if I can’t see you, touch you, taste you. What have you done to me? I’m a wreck.’

‘Not you, Steel Landry.’

‘Yes, me. You’ve got me tied up in knots.’ His voice was rueful and she realised with a bolt of breathtaking amazement he was speaking the truth. For the first time she took the initiative, standing on tiptoe and covering his lips with hers.

His response was immediate. He kissed her with such hunger, such explosive warmth that Toni was instantly swept away on a tide of desire. She gave herself up to the sheer delight of sliding her hands over the rippling muscles beneath the silk of his shirt, tangling her fingers in the covering of black body hair on his chest and luxuriating in the breadth and power in the big male body holding her. Steel pulled her closer, so close their bodies were practically fusing together, curves melting into hard, angular planes. It was intoxicating, thrilling and what she had been born for.

Toni inhaled the clean smell of lemon on his skin from the soap he’d used during his shower; it mingled with the musky scent that was all his to produce an intoxicating aphrodisiac she was powerless to resist, and when he moved her against him so she could feel every inch of his arousal she moaned softly in her throat.

Her body heat released her own perfume. The magnolia and summer fruits, coupled with her own personal fragrance, aroused Steel still more if that was possible, and he was almost devouring her. The soft wool dress she was wearing clung to her body like a second skin as he ran his hands over her breasts, her tiny waist, the firm smooth line of her hips.

Toni’s eyes were closed and she felt a tight congestion in her belly as the pleasure mounted, and even though she knew where this was leading, where it would end, she made no effort to stop him. She didn’t want to. She wanted him to undress her, to make love to her. She wanted to feel him inside her, possessing her. She wanted . . . everything.

It came as a drenching shock when he tore his mouth from hers a moment later, steadying her swaying body with his hands on her arms before taking a step backwards. She opened dazed eyes, her pupils dilated with the raw passion that still showed in her face, unable to believe that he had stopped.

Steel was breathing hard, his breath ragged as he muttered, ‘Maggie,’ tucking his shirt into his trousers as he spoke.

‘What?’ She stared at him uncomprehendingly, and then she heard the sound of a tune being hummed seconds before Steel’s daily appeared in the kitchen doorway.

Steel had had the presence of mind to start pouring coffee and now he turned, his voice remarkably controlled as he said, ‘Morning, Maggie.’

Maggie appeared as flustered as Toni felt, stopping a step into the room and looking from one to the other. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly. ‘I didn’t expect—I mean, you’re never here at this time of the morning.’

‘I’ve been at the hospital all night.’ Steel handed a cup of coffee to both women as he spoke, completely his normal, urbane self. ‘Annie had a daughter in the early hours and I called in Toni’s to tell her and then offered her a lift into work once I’d washed and shaved.’

‘A daughter? There, didn’t I tell you it would be a little girl? I’m never wrong about these things.’ Maggie smiled at Toni. ‘Never got one wrong in my life.’

‘Who needs scans when they’ve got you, Maggie?’

Steel took a long pull at his own coffee and Toni was gratified to see he wasn’t as in control as he’d like them to believe. His hand was shaking just the slightest.

For herself she couldn’t believe how close she had come to making love with him right there on the kitchen floor. The way it had been she doubted if they would have made it to the bedroom. And Maggie knew. In spite of how tactful the little woman was being, bustling over to the stove as she asked Steel if they’d like a cooked breakfast, Toni had seen the speculative gleam in Maggie’s eyes.

Excusing herself, she made her way into the little cloakroom off the hall and shut the door before looking at herself in the mirror. She groaned softly. Of course Maggie knew. The woman staring back at her out of the mirror looked as though she had been ravished. Her lips were red and swollen, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes bright, and her hair.

After splashing cold water on her face she smoothed her hair into order with her hands, having left her bag, which held her brush, in the sitting room. She stood for a few moments with her eyes shut and her forehead pressed against the cold glass as she pulled herself together. Only twenty-four hours ago she had started the day thinking Steel was driving her to a new project he wanted her to oversee. Well, he had, in a way, but so much had happened since then she felt that Toni had been a different person and bore no resemblance to the woman she was now.

When she walked back to the kitchen Maggie was busy dishing up a full English breakfast. In spite of having had two pieces of toast with Steel and the girls, Toni found she was suddenly ravenously hungry. The three of them ate at the kitchen table, the winter sunlight pouring in the window picking up blue lights in Steel’s jet-black hair. Out of nowhere, Toni found herself saying, ‘Your colouring is very unusual, the black hair and light eyes. Is Annie’s the same?’

‘See for yourself later. I thought we’d call in the hospital for a few minutes when we leave here. I’d like to take her some flowers and it will give you a chance to meet her and see the baby.’

Toni saw Maggie’s eyes flash over their faces but the small woman made no comment, gathering up the dirty plates and stacking them in the dishwasher, before asking if they’d like more coffee. Steel took his with him into the bedroom where he continued getting ready and Toni sat with Maggie in the kitchen, listening to her chatter about the preparations for Christmas and a hundred and one other things besides. Maggie was one of those folk who could talk for England and rarely required a comment on what she was saying, and it was surprisingly restful in the circumstances.

As they left the apartment building it was bitterly cold after the centrally heated warmth within and Toni shivered. Steel pulled her into him, wrapping his arm round her waist and kissing the top of her head as they walked to the car.

Somehow, after all the passionate embraces they’d exchanged, it was more intimate than anything that had gone before. Intimate and poignant. This closeness was a transitory thing. One day it would be another woman on his arm and she must remember that. Must try to protect herself from giving too much emotionally.

It was a ridiculous thought and she acknowledged its futility in the next breath. She loved him. There was no protection against love. The deeper you went, the more it took over.

The private hospital where Steel was paying for Annie to have her baby was only a minute away by car from the apartment, but it was already past ten o’clock when a starched and somewhat imperious nurse escorted them to Annie’s room. Steel had phoned Fiona from the apartment to tell her not to expect the pair of them at the office until after lunch, and Toni wondered what the other woman had thought. She might assume they were on site at one of the various projects going on, but on the other hand … But she couldn’t worry about what people thought; there was no point. Gossip and speculation were par for the course for any woman associated with Steel.

When they walked into the bright, cheerful little room that was so unlike National Health hospitals’ colour schemes of green or brown or grey, Toni saw a dark-haired girl sitting up in bed reading a magazine with an open box of chocolates on her knees.

‘Steel!’ Annie’s face lit up. ‘And don’t tell me, this must be Toni. I feel I know you already, Steel’s told me so much about you.’

‘Has he?’ Toni couldn’t hide her surprise.

Annie didn’t appear to notice, smiling a smile that was a feminine version of Steel’s. ‘It’s so nice to meet you at last. Come and sit down.’

Toni glanced at the see-through plastic crib holding a tiny shape that was squirming and making snuffling noises.

‘Do you want to hold her?’ Annie offered. ‘She’s due for a feed soon so she’s waking up. Now’s a good time.’

‘I’d love to.’ Toni bent over the crib, inhaling the sweet powdered scent emanating from the little bundle, and carefully picked the baby up. ‘She’s so tiny and so beautiful,’ she whispered, sitting down on the chair Steel pushed forwards and cradling Miranda Eve in her arms. ‘It seems another age since my girls were this size.’

‘They’re twins, aren’t they? What did they weigh when they were born?’ Annie asked, her eyes—a deeper blue than Steel’s—soft as they stroked over her child.

‘Amelia was exactly six pounds and Daisy was nearly five; I resembled an elephant in the month before the birth, but they were healthy and strong so nothing else mattered.’

Steel was standing, leaning against the wall as he watched her with the baby, his eyes silver slits in the sunlight slanting into the room. He had placed the enormous basket of white and pink rosebuds they had picked up from the florist shop across the road to the hospital on the long broad shelf that ran the length of one wall, between two bouquets standing in vases of water. ‘I take it those are from Jeff,’ he said, indicating the huge arrangement of deep red roses, which had a somewhat garish plastic gold heart attached to the cellophane. ‘Who are the carnations and lilies from?’ The second bouquet was more extravagant than the first and a vision of colour.

Annie hesitated. ‘Barbara,’ she said reluctantly.

Steel straightened, but his voice was expressionless when he said, ‘Barbara? How does Barbara know about the baby?’

Annie shrugged. ‘She’s rung once or twice during the pregnancy asking how I am; don’t ask me why.’

Toni kept her eyes on the baby in her arms. She knew why. The beautiful attorney wanted Steel back and if she could maintain some sort of contact with Annie, it might be a way in.

‘Apparently she woke Jeff up this morning at eight o’clock when he’d only got home from the hospital at six, asking if the baby had arrived. He wasn’t best pleased. And the flowers came just before you walked in.’

Steel nodded as Toni glanced up at him. His firm mouth was set uncompromisingly and a muscle was working in his jaw. He was angry. Nevertheless his voice was even and without heat as he changed the subject and asked Annie about the food, even teasing her about the box of chocolates and warning her she wasn’t eating for two any more.

They left a short time afterwards so Annie could feed the baby in peace, but before they did so Steel held his niece for a couple of minutes. Toni didn’t think anything had hurt her so much in her life. He was so natural with the tiny infant, so blatantly adoring that it was like a knife through Toni’s heart. One day he would meet someone who could cope with being with a man like Steel and wouldn’t mind the women who flocked round him, would even turn a blind eye to the odd affair as long as it was discreet and he came home to her in the end. Because he would have children. Looking at him holding Miranda, she could see the tiny baby had awakened something in him, something primal and strong.

Once they were sitting in the car in the small hospital car park, Steel didn’t start the engine immediately. Turning to look at her, he said quietly, ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Wrong?’ She smiled a brittle smile. ‘Nothing. The baby’s beautiful and Annie’s so nice.’

Steel being Steel, he cut through the prevarication. ‘Is it because Barbara sent Annie those flowers? I had no knowledge of her contact with my sister, I can promise you that, and I’ve had nothing to do with her for a long time.’

Toni nodded. ‘I believe you,’ she said flatly, looking through the windscreen rather than at him.

She was aware of his eyes searching her face. ‘Then what’s wrong, Toni? Because you’re a different woman from the one who walked in that place with me half an hour ago.’

‘I told you, nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine.’

‘OK.’ He settled back in his seat. ‘I can sit here all day if necessary, all night too, but we’re not leaving until you tell me.’ He locked the doors as he spoke. ‘I mean it.’

‘Don’t be silly.’ She stared at him in alarm. ‘Start the car.’

He didn’t answer her, switching on the music and making himself comfortable as he shut his eyes.

‘Steel, you can’t hold me captive here.’

‘Funny, but I thought that was exactly what I’m doing.’

Helplessly, she said, ‘I don’t suppose I liked your ex sending Annie the flowers, OK? That’s it. No big deal.’

He sat up, switching off the music, and the silver eyes raked her face. ‘No, it’s more than that. You’re not peeved or irritated, this is something more serious than that, and I can’t understand if you won’t discuss it.’

‘There’s nothing to understand.’

‘Like I said, I can wait all day,’ he said lazily, his easy tone catching her on the raw.

Flooded by emotions as chaotic as a winter’s storm, Toni met his eyes. ‘This is a mistake—us seeing each other, I mean. If it’s too difficult to go back to how we were, I’ll leave immediately, or I’ll finish the new project first, if that’s what you would prefer.’

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ He wasn’t shouting, but the lazy note had gone, to be replaced by a softness that was dangerous. ‘You’re not going anywhere.’

‘Yes, Steel. I am.’ Her chin came up and her mouth thinned. ‘And you can’t tell me what I can or can’t do. No one can do that any more. That ended with Richard’s death.’

‘This is to do with him, isn’t it? The louse you married? You’re frightened of being with someone again, of feeling something for a man.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m no Richard, Toni.’

Feeling something? He couldn’t have said anything more guaranteed to make her mad. She loved him, she had been struggling with her feelings for months and driving herself half mad in the process, and he talked about her being frightened of feeling something? Her fingers tightened, whitening her knuckles. ‘This is absolutely nothing to do with Richard and all to do with you,’ she said with such transparent honesty he couldn’t fail to believe her. ‘I don’t want to be absorbed into your lifestyle, Steel. To have to try and become the sort of woman you need.’

‘I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about, dammit,’ he bit out through clenched teeth. He had to stop for a long calming breath. ‘You don’t have to try and be anything, just yourself. Is this about Barbara, Toni? The woman means nothing to me—surely you know that?’

It was an unfortunate choice of words but he couldn’t have known that. Toni stared at him. Her voice was quiet now and infinitely sad. ‘You were with this woman, you shared each other’s lives, you slept with her, and not so very long ago either. Just a matter of months. And now you say she means nothing to you? That’s exactly what I mean, Steel. One day it will be me you’re saying that about.’

His head jerked at the accusation. His eyes blazing silver sparks, he ground out, ‘Never.’

‘And there are so many Barbaras out there, Steel. Beautiful women, available women, women who will throw themselves at you and not take no for an answer. You’re … irresistible.’

‘And you’re saying I have as little emotional maturity as a stud stallion, is that it? All these women who will supposedly throw themselves into my arms I’ll service without thinking twice about it? I’m a man, Toni. Not an animal. I don’t take a lady because she indicates she’s available. Before I met you I had my share of women, but I’ve never denied that or made a secret of it. But it wasn’t a conveyor belt, dammit. And neither was it all about sex. Surprising as it obviously is to you, I do require mental as well as physical stimulation when I’m with a woman.’

‘That doesn’t surprise me. It’s just that there are so many women who will want you who are more beautiful and more intelligent than me. I wasn’t enough for—for Richard, and he was an ordinary man. You’re not an ordinary man, Steel.’

He searched her face, seeking an explanation that wasn’t there, a way to get through to her. ‘You cut me and I bleed,’ he said softly. ‘The same as the next man. And your ex was an addict always in search of his next fix. The addiction had nothing to do with you as a person, a woman. Aphrodite herself wouldn’t have been able to change the way he thought and acted. It was a sickness, Toni. A sickness that controlled and manipulated him until he danced to its tune. That’s the way all addiction works.’

She sat, straight-backed and deathly pale. ‘Like I said before, this is nothing to do with Richard.’

‘The hell it isn’t.’ A vein in his neck throbbed beneath the surface of his skin. ‘He’s made you afraid, afraid to trust your instincts, your emotions, what you feel. He’s crippled you, but in a worse way than if he’d knocked you about.’

‘Don’t talk about me as though I’m a victim.’

‘Then don’t act like one!’

His explosive exclamation caused her stomach muscles to contract but no sign of it showed on her face. She remained perfectly still, a flesh and blood statue.

‘When we first met you told me you didn’t want a man around because of the twins. You didn’t want them “let down” again, remember? But that was an excuse, whether you admit it or not. Deep down it was yourself you were protecting, not them.’

‘How dare you!’ She reared up like an enraged tigress, all pretence of calm gone. ‘You know nothing about it.’

‘Oh, I dare, Toni. This is our future, yours and mine, I’m fighting for. The gloves are off. You’ve just called me a womaniser and a no-hoper, the sort of guy who will take everything on offer and enjoy the ride.’

‘I did not,’ she protested furiously. ‘I never said any such thing.’

‘Virtually.’ His eyes had turned an icy mother-of-pearl.

‘No. I said women will always throw themselves at you and there’s not a man alive who won’t respond to that eventually.’

‘Wrong. You’re looking at him.’

She went on as if he hadn’t spoken. ‘I don’t want that sort of pressure when I’m with someone, that’s what I’m saying. Maybe ninety-nine per cent of women could cope with it, but I’m me and—and I don’t want to.’

‘One bouquet and I’m hung, drawn and quartered?’

Under the anger there was a bewilderment that wrenched at her heart but she couldn’t weaken now. This relationship had already gone too far. He had permeated her life like the steady drip-drip of water in a cavern, innocuous in itself but with the power to form mighty stalactites and stalagmites. The more she had got to know him, the more she had liked what she’d discovered, which made him a very dangerous man, and if she slept with him, if she opened up her body as well as her heart, she would be lost. She would never be able to walk away from him. And say what he might, she was thinking of the twins too. They’d had one male role model in their young lives who, if he had lived, could have given them a distorted view of family life and love that might have affected them for ever. Fate had saved them from that and she had a duty not to put them in harm’s way again.

‘You’re wrong about me,’ Steel said quietly after a full minute had ticked by in screaming silence. ‘I’m like the guy in one of the Sunday school stories we were told as kids, the one who sold everything he had to buy the pearl of great price.’

Toni couldn’t argue any more. He’d never understand and they had no meeting point. She lowered her head, hating the fact her hands were trembling and hoping Steel hadn’t noticed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, all anger and indignation gone. ‘I’m not as strong as I thought I was. You’re right, it only took one bouquet. But there would be other bouquets, other women through the months and years looking for a way to get your attention. I don’t have a thick skin, Steel, and I wouldn’t be able to laugh such incidents off, regardless of how you might react. I—I’m not made that way.’

She expected him to say more, to fight his corner. Instead, after a long tense moment he started the engine, saying quietly, ‘I would like you to complete the new project before you leave. Is that acceptable?’

She forced her numb lips to move. ‘Of course.’

‘Thank you.’

It was over.