The Beautiful Widow

CHAPTER TEN



‘I’M SORRY, TONI, BUT I think you’re stark staring mad.’ Poppy stared at her with something approaching horror. ‘He’s the most gorgeous man on the planet and absolutely loaded, and by your own admission he was great with the twins and they adored him, and you give him the old heave-ho. And not because you’ve caught him cheating or anything, but simply because other women find him attractive. Don’t you think that’s a teensy bit unreasonable?’

Toni shook her head. She’d been hoping Poppy would be sympathetic, but she might have known she’d get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from her friend. ‘It’s not as simple as that.’

‘Excuse me, but I think it is.’ Poppy was standing hands on hips. ‘And you like him, don’t you? I mean, really like him?’

Toni nodded. Understatement of the year.

‘Oh, Toni. What have you done?’ Poppy said sadly.

‘Don’t.’ Toni’s voice wobbled. ‘I’ve cried enough already and I don’t want the twins to see me upset.’

‘They’re fine, hark at them.’ Amelia and Daisy and Poppy’s two boys were playing in the boys’ bedroom and, if the shrieks and laughter were anything to go by, were having the time of their lives. Rose was playing at their feet and the baby was asleep.

It was Saturday morning, and the last three days had been the worst of her life. Since their talk in the car park Steel had retreated somewhere very distant. He was still present physically, still polite and courteous when he spoke to her, but it was clear to her she’d achieved her aim and whatever had been between them was dead as far as he was concerned. And following on from this thought, Toni said now in her defence, ‘He never spoke of love, you know. Commitment. For ever. It was a sexual thing on his side. Something that would be short-lived and semi-permanent.’

‘Even if that was true, and I don’t think it was but I’ll come on to that in a minute, I’d still say you were the luckiest woman alive. Again by your own admission he was sweet and thoughtful and not at all the big I am, like some men would be in his position, and you’d have had a fabulous time together. He’d have wined and dined you and the bedding part would have been out of this world.’

‘Poppy—’ She didn’t think she could take any more of this.

‘But I think it was more than that with him. See it from his side for a moment, Toni. Right from the word go you made it clear you were off limits because of what had happened with Richard and you being a single mother and everything, and so why would the poor guy say anything about for ever with you liable to run screaming if he did? He did the softly-softly routine for your sake. He didn’t give into his macho desires and take you on the office desk or in his chair or anywhere else he’d no doubt fantasised about, he let you get to know him, really know him. Now we all know men mostly think with a part of their anatomy a lot lower than their heads, so if he did all that for you I’d say it was more than good old lust driving him. And let’s face it, he could have any woman he wanted just by crooking his little finger if it was only sex motivating him.’

‘You’re not making me feel better. I wanted you to say I’d done the right thing and good riddance.’

‘To Steel Landry? No can do. Tell him you’ve changed your mind,’ Poppy urged. ‘Cry a bit and fall on his manly chest—they can never resist that, especially if you’re saying he was right and you were wrong.’

Toni had thought she’d never smile again, but now the corners of her mouth turned up. ‘You look like the backbone of the WI, all home-made jam and sponge cakes and church fetes. How come you’re such an out and out vamp under the skin?’

‘I could tell you stories about one or two WI members that would make your hair curl,’ Poppy said, grinning. ‘But seriously, don’t let this one slip out of the net. He might have had more than a brief affair on his mind and you’ll only know if you give him a chance and chill out a bit.’

Toni gazed at her friend over her coffee cup, her smile dying. ‘I love him, Poppy. That’s the thing. And whether he wanted me just for a while or something more permanent, I still can’t be with him. You’ve seen him. He’s …’

‘Oh, yes,’ Poppy agreed.

‘And rich and powerful—the whole package. I wouldn’t know how to go about keeping a man like that. I wouldn’t be able to. And then it would be a question of trying to ignore his little … indiscretions, and I’d die, inch by inch.’

‘I think you might be doing him an injustice. Who says he’s going to play around? He’s drop-dead gorgeous, yes, but even sublime beings like him are allowed to find “the one".’

‘And what if I’m not the one? What then?’

Poppy stared at her, suddenly deadly serious. ‘I know you love him, but do you trust him?’ she said very quietly as the noise upstairs reached new heights. ‘You’ve seen him almost every day for six months and you’ve worked closely with him on and off. And all those late-night cosies when everyone else had gone home. With all you’ve learnt about him, do you trust him?’

Toni’s eyes were stricken. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Richard undermined you when he was alive and even more when he died and you found out the truth. The male sex suddenly became unreliable and treacherous and devious, I can understand that. Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked if you trusted Steel. Perhaps I should have asked if you trust yourself.’

There was suddenly a huge thud upstairs that rocked the ceiling, followed by howls loud enough to wake the baby in her crib by the side of the kitchen table. As Poppy ran upstairs to see what was what Toni picked up the infant and reassured little Rose, who was looking worried. When Poppy came back all four children were in tow, Nathan with an egg-sized lump on his forehead and sniffling, looking very sorry for himself.

‘They were playing Superman,’ Poppy said ruefully, ‘and Nathan tried to “fly” off the top bunk. We’re all going to have a drink and a biscuit now, aren’t we?’ she added to the four subdued children. ‘And then we’re going to do some nice drawing and colouring at the kitchen table where Mummy and Aunty Toni can keep an eye on you.’

It was the end of further meaningful conversation.

That night as she lay in bed Toni thought about Poppy’s last words; they had been very profound, especially considering it had been Poppy speaking. At three in the morning she still hadn’t gone to sleep, and at five she gave up all hope of dropping off and got up and made herself a hot drink.

It was bitterly cold outside, the frosted windowpane in the kitchen telling its own story. Snow was forecast in the next few days and everyone was predicting a white Christmas. The kitchen was freezing, the central heating hadn’t come on yet, but the chill inside Toni was worse.

She stood at the back door, her hands wrapped round the hot coffee cup as she surveyed Jack Frost’s handiwork. Poppy was right. She didn’t trust herself any more: her judgement, her self-worth, her discernment—not in matters of the heart anyway. Maybe if she had met Steel five years from now, when she’d had time to sort herself out and get back on an even keel again, it would have been different. But she hadn’t. And it wasn’t different. She was too frightened of making another huge mistake, and this time she knew she would never recover if it went wrong. So it was better to walk away now. It might be the wrong decision, she’d never know, but, even if it was, it was preferable to staying with him and everything coming unstuck at some time in the future if her worst fears came true. Cowardly it might be, but that was what self-survival came down to sometimes.

By the time the girls came downstairs she was washed and dressed and breakfast was on the table. She was in control again, she told herself firmly. Everything would pan out. Soon she would stop crying when she was in bed at night and feel like eating again. The new project on Steel’s house was already underway and she would be spending plenty of time on site; so she wouldn’t see much of him, she could make sure of that. He, himself, had made that possible when he’d insisted on giving her carte blanche regarding everything from the alterations and colour schemes to the furniture and fittings.

And once the house was finished—a hard knot formed in her stomach—she would leave; and she had already given Steel a letter of resignation stating this, to which he had agreed with a curt nod of his head as he had read it. She had made some inroad into paying off Richard’s debts; the rest would have to happen more slowly when she found another job. All this wasn’t the end of the world.

It just felt like it.

Toni worked hard over the next few weeks. She fell into bed each night too exhausted to think, but once she was in dream land her subconscious played all sorts of tricks on her and she couldn’t keep Steel at bay. Each morning she awoke feeling more tired than when she had gone to bed, but she forced herself to get up, shower and start the day.

Christmas came and went and the girls were ecstatic when they had a sprinkling of snow on Christmas Eve. Steel gave each employee a Christmas bonus, and when she opened her envelope she could scarcely believe her eyes when she saw the noughts after the ten. ‘Ten thousand pounds?’ She went straight in to see him, holding the envelope in her hand. ‘I didn’t expect anything like this. It’s too much.’

‘Everyone gets a healthy bonus twice a year. It’s a good incentive,’ he answered, without looking up from the papers he was working on. ‘The money is already in your account.’

She stood staring down on the dark head, knowing if she tried to say anything more she’d burst into tears, and then left the room.

He sent Amelia and Daisy parcels through the post too, with a small card saying the exquisite little gold charm bracelets were from the ‘steel man'. Toni’s mother oohed and ahhed over them to the girls but made no comment to Toni. They’d had to agree to disagree over her finishing with Steel and it was now a forbidden subject. Toni made Christmas special for the girls but she was glad when the ‘jolly’ season was over, and everyone she came into contact with was miserable because they’d spent too much, eaten too much and drunk too much. It fitted her mood.

The one thing that kept her going, apart from Amelia and Daisy, was the work on Steel’s house. She’d fallen in love with the magnificent old cottage and was determined each alteration and each room would be perfect, as the house deserved. This was to be her swansong with Steel’s firm and everything had to be right. She wouldn’t allow herself to picture Steel living here with another woman, starting a family, enjoying winter evenings together in front of a roaring fire or summer afternoons with cucumber sandwiches and lemonade on the patio while watching the children play in the fresh air. She’d had one day when she had made the mistake of indulging such notions and had got herself into such a state she had been physically sick.

January was a month of heavy blue-grey skies and squalls of blustery sleet and icy rain, but the wave of thick snow that had been forecast way back in December had never materialised. The army of workmen employed on site had meant the project flowed without interruption, and in the first week of February Toni could finally say the job was all but finished.

She’d had intermittent contact with Steel during the last two months. When she was in the office he made no effort seek her out, but when she had to consult with him about something he was always businesslike and agreeable. Once or twice she had caught him staring at her, but there was never any readable expression on his face. As far as she knew he wasn’t dating, but he could have been. That was something else she didn’t allow herself to think about.

He hadn’t actually visited the site once since the day he had taken her there. It was unfortunate that the boss of the building firm she’d contracted for the alterations had an Aston Martin too. A number of times her heart had stopped as she’d heard the car draw up, but it had never been Steel unfurling himself from the sleek interior. Just a paunchy little man who laughed too loudly and stank of BO and garlic.

The day she had set aside for Steel to come and view her work was one of extreme cold and bitter winds. She arrived at the house early in the morning, driving there as soon as she had dropped the girls off at breakfast club.

After checking every cushion was in place and every drape arranged just so, she wandered through to the beautiful drawing room and stood gazing out over the grounds. The frozen landscape intensified every colour and shade, highlighting the few brightly toned leaves clinging to a mature beech tree and the green of the ivy climbing a far wall. The sky had clouded over as she’d been titivating this and that, and there was the smell of snow in the air when she opened the front door to Steel mid-morning.

He smiled at her and a vice gripped her heart. It was the first time for some weeks she had allowed herself the luxury of looking straight at him, and the silver-blue eyes cut through to her soul. He looked wonderful but tired. Definitely tired.

‘You have a house to show me, I think?’ His voice was warm, relaxed, and yet she thought she detected something else underneath. A tenseness perhaps? Or perhaps it was just excitement. This was to be his home, after all. It was much more important than her previous projects.

He wandered through the downstairs rooms, saying very little. The soft green and cream colour scheme for the drawing room met with his approval, and the taupe and pale lemon for the dining room. The kitchen was now a thing of beauty. When deciding to go all out and make the first reception room into the magnificent drawing room it was always meant to be, Toni had chosen warmer, more family colours for the smaller sitting room. The soft cherry red and mix of dusky pinks made the room cosy and welcoming, a place where children could play and watch TV.

Upstairs each bedroom and en-suite had its own colour scheme, but she was especially pleased with the master bedroom, partly because she felt it was a tribute to her professionalism that she’d made this room as perfect as she could and ignored the fact that Steel might be occupying it with the lady of his choice.

The pale coffee and gold mixed with a blend of oatmeals wasn’t overtly masculine or feminine, and she’d taken care the full-length walk-in wardrobe was divided into two distinct halves for the occupants who would share the huge, billowy soft bed, which had been specially made and constructed inside the room and which dominated the space. The drapes that framed the full-length French windows were in the same fabric as the duvet, and the windows opened out onto a stone balcony from which there was a wonderful view over the grounds and the countryside beyond.

Altogether it was a dream of a bedroom, uncompromisingly luxurious from the music system and huge TV down to the concealed fridge holding vintage champagne and a selection of the best wines.

She stood aside for him to enter the room and remained in the doorway as he strolled round, opening the doors onto the balcony and standing there for a moment or two before coming back into the room and shutting the French doors. ‘You’ve created a wonderful home,’ he said quietly. ‘Now all it needs is the family it was made for.’

She wanted to smile but it was beyond her. Stiffly, she said, ‘Thank you. I’m pleased it meets with your approval,’ as she stepped backwards onto the wide landing.

He followed her downstairs, and once in the hall took her arm. ‘Come into the drawing room a moment. I need to talk to you.’

This was when he formalised her departure. Keeping herself very straight, she walked with him into the elegant reception room and, when he indicated for her to be seated, sat on the edge of one of the cream sofas. She wondered what was different as she’d walked into the room and realised it was snowing: big, fat, feathery flakes falling from a laden sky. The Christmas snow that had been expected had arrived at last.

She had lit a fire earlier in the massive old stone fireplace that blended so well with the beamed ceiling of the gracious room, knowing it would set the room off to perfection for his inspection. Now he walked across and stood with his back to it as he looked at her. ‘The envelope on the table,’ he said, indicating a large manilla package on the glass coffee table close to the sofa. ‘It’s yours.’

She nodded. ‘I’ll take it with me and look at it later.’ She couldn’t do this right now, not with him standing there reminding her of all she’d given up.

‘I’d rather you open it now. There are a couple of things I need to go through with you.’

Numbly she reached for the somewhat bulky package and extracted the papers within. She stared at the top page. The words blurred and danced before her eyes and it was a moment or two before they made sense. Only they didn’t. She read the letter through twice and then looked at the wad of papers beneath. Raising her gaze to the silver-blue one watching her so intently, she said dazedly, ‘I—I don’t understand.’

‘It’s very simple. I’m giving you the house and those are the relevant papers. I have also deposited an amount in your account to clear your debts and to provide a breathing space while you decide what you want to do from here. I was speaking to James only yesterday and he is very keen to have you back. I understand there will be a vacancy in three months’ time when his present interior designer leaves to have a baby. She may return after maternity leave but James is sure they can work out something. You have a life stretching before you free of debt.’

She stared at him. ‘I can’t accept a house from you.’

‘Of course you can. It was always meant for you. Of course at one time I imagined the pair of us in that bedroom upstairs, but—’ he shrugged ‘—your decision changes nothing about the house. Whether we’re together or no, it is yours.’

‘This is madness.’ She felt as though she were in a dream. ‘I can’t possibly have it, or the money either. You must see that?’ She was trembling with shock.

‘I see nothing of the kind. You and the twins need your own place and this is a perfect home. It’s all arranged.’

‘Steel—’ She felt as though she were losing her grip on reality. ‘This is madness, it’s crazy.’

He smiled, but it didn’t reach the beautiful eyes and showed how deliberate his air of relaxation was. ‘Everyone’s allowed to be a little crazy once in their lives. This is my time. It’s all official and above board, no strings attached, by the way. All that is required is a few signatures.’

‘I can’t.’ She waved a shaking hand. ‘I just can’t.’

‘I’m not trying to buy you, Toni. I don’t work like that. I simply need to know that you and the twins are safe and secure and then we can both get on with our lives. I expect nothing from you, you made it very clear how you feel, but it doesn’t change how I feel, OK? So indulge me. You know I can afford to do this without it making a dent in my bank balance, but it would mean a great deal to two little girls and their quality of life. If you can’t accept it for yourself, accept it for them. I won’t come knocking on your door if that’s what’s bothering you. Not without an invitation anyway.’

He was bewildering her with his gentleness. ‘But why would you do this?’ she asked helplessly. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ He held her frantic gaze.

‘Not to me. People don’t give other people houses.’

If any other woman of his acquaintance had said that he wouldn’t have believed them, but with Toni he knew it was the truth. He’d been to hell and back the last weeks, but he knew he’d only got himself to blame. In the beginning he had set out to seduce her and yet he’d been the one who had been seduced—seduced into love. Ironic. And the fact that she could walk away from him and cut him out of her life should have killed that love stone dead; he wasn’t the type of man to turn the other cheek—he never had been. But it didn’t make any difference. It should have, but it didn’t, not where she was concerned. She mattered more than his feelings.

His Achilles heel. That was what Jeff had called her when he’d got blind drunk at his brother-in-law’s at Christmas and slept the night on their sofa. Jeff had come down early in the morning when he’d had a head on him like a banging drum, and over a cup of strong coffee they’d talked about Toni. Apparently he’d said enough in his inebriated state for Jeff to know most of it anyway.

Steel screened his expression. Jeff had told him that Boxing Day morning to tell her how he felt, just once.

‘Forget your pride, mate. She might sling it back in your face but can you feel worse than you do now? Annie’s worried sick about you, I can tell you that. Tell her and then leave it in the lap of the gods. If nothing else you’ll have no regrets. Say those three words you’ve always maintained you’ll never say to any woman—I love you. It’s easy, believe me. I say it to Annie all the time.’

Steel walked across to her. He’d known for weeks this day was his last chance to convince her they could make it. Not that he wanted to use the offer of the house as blackmail—he would have done if he’d thought it would work, but he knew Toni too well by now. But it was this knowledge that told him she cared for him. How much he didn’t know. But she cared.

Toni had risen to her feet at his approach, her eyes wary, but he didn’t touch her. He didn’t trust himself to. ‘I want you to have the house because I love you,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve never said that to another woman because it’s never been true before. I love you. Completely, utterly, for ever. I need you, I want you and I love you. I don’t want any other woman but you and I never will, but I can’t prove that to you except through time so you’ll have to take it on trust.’

She was ashen-faced. He could have been delivering a death sentence, the way she was looking at him. ‘And—and if I can’t?’

‘I can help you.’

‘Help me?’ Toni said wildly, her still façade suddenly shattering. ‘How can you help me when you’re the one person who could destroy me?’

He stared at her. As a declaration of love it left a lot to be desired, but no words ever sounded sweeter. She loved him. All the agony of the last weeks had been worth it just for this moment. ‘But I won’t.’ He reached out and pulled her into his arms and was amazed when she didn’t fight him. ‘I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, have a dozen kids, two dozen. I love you, I love you, I love you,’ he said over and over again, wondering why he’d thought the words so impossible to say. ‘And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I should have. I’m a coward, that’s the truth of it. I thought I was showing you but I should have said.’

‘Steel, don’t. Please don’t.’

‘Marry me, Toni. Live with me. Love me. Let me love you, and the girls. Make us a family.’

‘I can’t.’ She was sobbing but she still hadn’t tried to move out of his arms. ‘I can’t, don’t you see?’

‘You can. If you love me, we can do this. Do you love me, Toni? Do you? Tell me?’

‘I do love you,’ she whispered, her voice breaking. ‘That’s what scares me. I’m so ordinary—’

‘Never say that.’ He covered her mouth in a hungry kiss, crushing her against his chest. ‘You’re beautiful, my pearl beyond price.’ In seconds they were lost to the world, straining into each other with an urgency made all the more desperate for their estrangement of the last weeks.

When Steel finally broke off the kiss it was to lift her up in his arms and sit with her on his lap on the sofa. ‘Listen to me, my love,’ he said shakily. ‘You must try to understand. I can’t stop the Barbaras of the world behaving the way they do, but they can’t touch us unless you let them. I’m yours, body, soul and spirit and I promise you this day you are enough for me until forever and beyond. I will never give you cause to doubt me, never. You are my sun, moon and stars and I want you as my wife and the mother of my children. And I will teach you to trust, believe me. Until the last shadow of doubt in yourself is gone. When you see yourself as I see you, you will have no need to fear. I want you in sickness and in health, now and in old age. I’ll push you in your Bath chair if you’ll push me in mine.’

He kissed her again, crushing her willing lips under his, deepening the kiss until finally he sighed, a long desperate sound as he muttered, ‘I’ve been going insane, quietly insane.’

‘Oh, Steel. I’ve been so unhappy,’ she cried softly. ‘I’ve wanted you so much but I’ve been so frightened.’

‘No more, my love. No more. I need you every bit as much as you need me. I can’t live without you.’

She nuzzled her face into his throat. ‘I’ve missed you so much. And I thought you didn’t want me any more.’

He pulled back a little, looking into her flushed face. ‘Do you want a big wedding?’ he asked thickly.

‘A big wedding?’ She stared at him, surprised. ‘No, no, I don’t think so. I did all that before and it was almost impersonal. But—but we’ve plenty of time before—’

‘Good, because I want to marry you soon, next week even. Would you do that? We can get the girls pretty dresses and have your parents and Annie and Jeff, Maggie too.’

‘Next week? Can you do that? There’s so much red tape.’

‘I can do it,’ he said firmly. ‘Money was made to do away with red tape. I want you, Toni. In my bed, as my wife. I want it to be right from the start. No hole-in-the-wall affair. I’ve had enough of them in the past. This is different. You’re different. We’ll come together as man and wife and not till then.’

She felt a moment’s panic. Things were happening too fast. And then she looked into Steel’s face and saw the love shining out of his eyes.

‘I want to love you, Toni. Properly. I want to spend all night showing you how much I love you, and with the best intentions in the world my control only goes so far when we’re together like this. And once that ring is on your finger you can’t change your mind,’ he added, grinning.

She drew in a steadying breath. This still terrified her, but she’d glimpsed a future in which there was no Steel and she couldn’t go through that again. She loved him. And with Steel at her side she could learn to trust herself again, to regain what had been eaten away after she’d met Richard.

‘So, the shortest engagement in living history?’ Steel asked her, only the faintest shadow in his eyes betraying the glimmer of uncertainty he was feeling as to her reaction.

Toni smiled. ‘I warn you now, the girls will want pink dresses.’