The Texas Renegade Returns

Thursday, June 12

Into Kalasa

I dreamed I was sitting on the side of Ruuel's bed, watching him sleep. My subconscious making a compromise, I guess. It was a little cell of a room, just a single bed and a rack for luggage and a door. There wasn't any light, so I'm not altogether sure how I could see, but it was all very clear.

He wasn't wearing his uniform, the first time I've seen him in anything else. A dark boxer-brief and singlet arrangement. And he was having a nightmare, was shifting fretfully under a half kicked-off blanket. Fully living up to the Place Sight reputation for being 'haunted'. He looked like he was in pain, and I longed to touch him, but instead I made myself wake up. I knew it wasn't fair of me to watch. I don't think I was projecting, just looking, which is a big leap forward in control. Not that I'll mention it to anyone.

Taarel wasn't with him. Stupid thing to be happy about, and I suppose it's terribly unlikely they'd be together during a mission anyway. I didn't dream again after that, and was woken up by Maze, who took me off to an early breakfast with a bunch of greysuit section heads who wanted to ask me about Winter. Being a Sydney girl, I thought this was tremendously funny, but neither Tare nor Kolar have much experience with snow. Tare has a semi-frozen polar region with scarcely any solid ground, while the Kolarens actually live at their poles because the equator area is too hot. So even Australians know things they don't about seasons, and I yabbered on about hibernation and igloos and tree branches breaking off from the weight of snow, and seasonal migration of animals, and then wandered into a tangent about Ice Ages and dinosaurs. I now have an assignment to review all the information being collated about Muina's plants and animals, mark any that seem familiar, like the hairy sheep, and write little essays on everything I know about the Earth equivalent.

After that, Maze took me to be outfitted in my chest armour of ultimate doom, and all the gear I'm expected to carry. A breather, of course, and a good wad of rations and thin water bottles and a firelighter because I'd specifically requested one (I'm so over making fires by rubbing two sticks together). The gun, and a spare charge pack for it. A small and a large relay beacon – one I can wear and one I'll be holding which is very powerful but they were worried it wouldn't come through with me. Maze carted that about for me – it must have weighed twenty kilos.

He was very much in control of himself, calm and relaxed on the surface at least, even when he was telling me what he wanted me to do if he didn't come through with me. Basically get off the platform and get back on, since that might be all that was required. If not, head for the next platform. He'd made me read through all the information about Cruzatch before we came to Muina, which hadn't really made me more comfortable about being anywhere near them.

"You're facing up to this very well," he said, finally. "But I know that you must be nervous."

I shrugged. "Would be stupid not to be. But it's got to be easier than last time, after all, even if I get stuck there by myself."

He sighed, and gave me a quick hug (which made me feel hot all over – it's very different when Maze does that to when Lohn does). "The first few moments after arrival will be critical," he said. "You will have the advantage of surprise – don't waste it."


We met up with the rest of First Squad and levitated over to the amphitheatre, where the other squads were waiting with a mix of greensuits and greysuits. I was totally distracted by tiny flakes of white swirling and drifting around us as we flew. Two trips to Thredbo hasn't made snow any less of a novelty to me and I said as we dropped down to the amphitheatre: "We have to have an epic snowball fight if it gets deep enough."

"The frozen rain?" Lohn asked. Tare doesn't have a word for snow, though I guess old Muinan must. I'd taught them the Earth word for snow instead. "How do you fight with it?"

"You scrunch it into balls and throw it at each other. And you can make forts to hide behind. But for fun," I emphasised, smiling hello to everyone waiting about in the cold. "Not to figure out the most efficient way to kill things in snowy places or anything."

Maze shook his head slightly – I think he thought I was putting on a brave face or something – but said: "All right – if there's enough snow we'll have an epic ball of snow fight. Ready now?"

I nodded, and he brought me into mission channel, adding over it: "We've all been fully briefed. Let's do this."

Four squads are a lot of people, and the amount of machinery which has been installed in the platform room, along with various technicians, made it feel quite close and cramped. But warmer than up top, at least.

"Verifying equipment function," said the one technician who was in the main mission channel.

Maze handed me back the heavier relay, and then had me take the 'carting Cass about' position, and bound our suits together as best he could with my chest armour interfering. Zee got up on the platform with an even more powerful drone, since they were hoping I might bring everything through which was on the platform, whether or not I was touching it.

"Clear to begin," said one of the bluesuits over the mission channel, and Maze lifted us both up and dropped down on the platform.

It worked. Even to the point of bringing Zee and the drone through with us. Maze let his breath out, and he and Zee shared a look of total relief, even as they both reacted to this weird, crystalline web filling the room. It made a little dome over the top of the platform, and was particularly thick on the side which was broken, hiding the cisterns below.

There were two Cruzatch, over by the room's entrance, but before they could do anything they had to hastily dodge the pieces of rubble and shattered wall Maze threw at them. The crystalline stuff snapped and broke apart.

"Blocking the entrance till we know more about what this is," Maze said, already busily doing so. He just shoved the Cruzatch out with the slabs of fallen wall and then piled the stone up.

While he was busy fishing up bits of fallen stone and preventing the Cruzatch from getting back into the room, Zee extruded a bit of her uniform into a thin cloth and wrapped it around one end of a stick of broken crystal, setting it there like a handgrip.

"Three or four dozen in the immediate area," Zee said, taking the heavy relay from me and handing me the stick of crystal. "We'll hold them out of the room. Bring back the rest of the squad, and get some kind of initial impression on this."

Maze swept a corner of the room clear and shifted us and the big drone off the platform. "Satellite signal not reaching," Zee told him, and he nodded and then picked me up physically and dropped me back on the platform.

I shifted back to Pandora immediately, the suddenness of it a bit disorienting since I'd expected a delay. Blinking, I looked around at the circle of waiting Setari, then slid back off the platform, saying rapidly: "Forty Cruzatch, and the room is full of crystal – some kind of trap. Maze wants to know what it is. He's barricaded the entrance."

Ruuel was conveniently nearby, so I handed the stick to him as a greysuit materialised at my elbow and insisted on shining a light in my eyes and making me follow it. The rest of First Squad climbed on the platform and – when the greysuit said they couldn't see any immediate impact on me – Second Squad joined them.

The faintest brush of fingers on my arm brought my attention back to Ruuel, who had enhanced and now touched one bare finger very lightly to the crystal stick. He was still looking tired, but calmly analytical as he gazed down at the crystal.

"Good instinct," he said, at last. "The elementals – fire, light, electricity particularly – will cause it to become a gas. Not poisonous. The intention of this is to capture."

"Understood," Grif from Second Squad said, and I found myself lifted back on the platform, Ketzaren and Alay flanking me even before my feet touched the stone.

The next couple of minutes were pretty frantic. Cruzatch are dangerous close-combat fighters, and their claws can cut through things: not quite as easily as a light-sabre, but enough to mean that Maze's barricade wasn't holding. And there were dozens of the things. The telekinetics took point, using the splintering rock to force them backward, out of the trapped room. I was sent straight back to Pandora, to bring Third and Fourth Squad, and the Setari went full-out once they were out of the range of the crystal.

Ketzaren and Alay kept me close, but moved me out of the platform room, even though Maze had broken up most of the crystal and shoved the pieces off to one side. By the time I got outside the battle was aerial, and the Cruzatch were retreating.

"Don't pursue individually," Maze said, and the Setari dropped down to gather in the very centre of Kalasa, then broke into two – Second and Third staying at the central point with me, while First and Fourth vanished into a big building about four levels up.

I didn't like that: listening to Maze's occasional terse instructions but not able to see what was happening. The Cruzatch tried to ambush them, and it sounded like it got pretty hairy for a couple of moments. I guess my expression mustn't have been particularly guarded – First and Fourth Squad are most of the people I care about on this world – because Taarel put her hand on my shoulder for a moment and smiled at me, eyes full of confidence and reassurance. She really is so very kingly.

It was over relatively quickly, though, and we listened to them discussing what sounded like another malachite marble. The Cruzatch had apparently vanished through it much like I can use the platforms. For the short term the two squads used fallen rubble to block the entrance, then came back down to stand in the central circle.

"We'll report in and move on to phase two," Maze said, but then paused, looking up, and they all gazed up with him – not at any threat, but at Kalasa. Damaged, but still the city of the Lantarens. No-one said a word, they all just took a moment and looked.

I then spent the rest of the day playing taxi. Maze reported in, and I brought through a mixed bag of greensuits and greysuits. The Setari took the drone up to the highest point of the city, while the greysuits tried to decide where to start, and just before we called it a day a satellite finally succeeded in detecting it – it's on the other side of the world from Pandora and slightly south, on an island in one of the biggest lakes. The Diodel is on its way there now, stuffed with technicians, and Second Squad along for safety. They're going to start a settlement and try to work out how to get through the city's shield from the outside while another bunch chip away at it from within. The malachite marble/power stone doesn't seem to turn it off like at the Arenrhon installation.

No-one's allowed to stay inside Kalasa overnight ('night' in this case being when I'm off-duty), although there's half a dozen drones there, particularly around the re-sealed Cruzatch escape hatch. It was a long day of tentative exploration, though we did get a break for lunch – whereupon I was hugged by an awful lot of people (Nils blew in my ear for good measure, and laughed very wickedly at my reaction). I gather from something Eeli let slip that the Setari had been under strict orders to not worry me with discussions of how little they wanted me to get on any platforms. I'm back in medical again, but this time because they want to monitor me for aftereffects of being of taxi. I don't much like sleeping in medical because the greysuits insist on popping in and out of the room. I can track their movements, though they're still not as clear to me as the Setari.


There were crystal web traps on every single platform. I don't think standing on the platform would have been easier than last time, if I'd come through alone.

Friday, June 13

Wake up

I outdid myself last night.

It started out unremarkable. I focused on sheep going to sleep, dreamed predictably of sheep and woke myself up almost immediately. Zee was designated babysitter, sitting in the waiting room next door, but later she left and Ruuel came and sat next to me. And then two Cruzatch rose up at the end of the bed, grabbed an ankle each, and hauled.

There's no way to know where I would have ended up if Ruuel hadn't been there. The room's scanner shows him sitting in the half-lit room, relaxed in his chair, then straightening and looking intently at me, and then hurling himself forward and grabbing me as I abruptly upended. He only just managed a hold under my arms, and was almost pulled off his feet. The Cruzatch I was dreaming were very strong.

In my dream I screamed, but I make no sound on the log as blood spatters down over both of us and the sheet tangled with my legs catches alight. A panicking greysuit runs in as Ruuel uses telekinesis to pull the sheet away. Fortunately the second greysuit was less panicky and dropped a silver tinfoil sheet over it. But that was later. First Ruuel said, very clear and urgent into my ear: "It's a dream, Cassandra. Wake up."

I hadn't known. Or, on some level I had, but all this happened in the first few moments of my dream, so I'd barely had time to do more than process shock and pain. And then I made myself wake up and if Ruuel hadn't had incredible reflexes I probably would have face-planted into the floor.

Although I won't have the blood poisoning and chill and exhaustion this time around, I managed to injure myself worse than the real Cruzatch had. I've moved well beyond temporary marks that fade away, anyway, and now have a fine collection of inch-deep gouges, burns and bruises and a dislocated ankle along with hairline fractures. I remember very distinctly one of the greysuits saying in complete disbelief: "She dislocated her own ankle?" and suspect from the indrawn breath which followed that Ruuel must have said something particularly curt over the interface. That's the only thing I have any real recollection of for the first few minutes after breaking out of the dream, beyond feeling rigidly frozen, and absolutely determined not to let go of Ruuel. He just said: "Deep breaths," to me whenever I started to shake, and shifted me about as necessary so the medics could stop me from bleeding everywhere.

By the time they'd pumped me full of painkillers and put my ankle back the way it's supposed to be, both Maze and Mara had arrived. Mara took over the clutchee role for a change of clothes and room: necessary given the blood-spattered and charred state of both. All that and a really horrible drink made me calm down enough for my brain to start working.

Maze and Ruuel came to my new room after the greysuit had finished telling me exactly what I'd done to myself and how long it would take to fix. She was still wide-eyed about it all, and looked a bit regretful when Maze dismissed her with a word of thanks. Mara stayed helping me sit up at the top of the bed, resting me against her shoulder with an arm around my waist. I think I'd quite happily sleep that way if I didn't think it would drive her mad having to stay still half the night.

"Did you know that I was going to dream badly tonight?" I asked Ruuel. My voice gets so little-girl and small when I'm upset. I hate it. At least me speaking made Maze look slightly less concerned – I hadn't managed to do more than nod and shake my head before that.

"I considered it likely," Ruuel said, sounding as correct as usual, but I think he was relieved too. "You dealt with the need to return to Kalasa by facing it, by attempting to take a level of control preparing for it. Because it was necessary for you to not be afraid, you weren't. There was always a high chance that after the hurdle was past, and you were no longer steeled against it, the nightmare of your first visit would recur. Add to that cages, around every platform at Kalasa. After a day thinking through the implications, a nightmare about being kidnapped by Cruzatch."

That little speech put paid to any doubts I had left about Ruuel knowing I'm obsessed with him. He can see right through me. But I wasn't feeling very focused on romance at that moment.

"Cruzatch ever tried to capture Setari?"

"No. Their interest is almost certainly you."

Mara rubbed my arm, but Ruuel was right about me having thought most of this through yesterday. "If Cruzatch show up and offer to rescue me from evil and misguided Tarens, absolutely will set off alert straight away." I allowed myself to enjoy Maze's expression, then sighed. "Not so sure won't accidentally kidnap myself. Thought I was getting better at this."

"You were able to break out of this dream, though," Maze pointed out. "You've consistently broken out of every dream since your dream of the insect creatures in your room, yes?"

I glanced down at my legs, which are very decoratively encased in varying thicknesses of blueish nanocloth.

"There's no way to guarantee you won't do more damage," Ruuel said straightforwardly. "The daily exercises have obviously helped, but now that you've reached the point of being capable of killing yourself or another, the next week will be critical. You're unlikely to have another occurrence tonight. Tomorrow we'll arrange for quarters which put you at a safer distance from other personnel. It's also unlikely we'll go ahead with the planned entry of Kalasa, but expect training if your condition allows. Ista Kyle will sedate you tonight."

He glanced at Maze, nodded at me (or Mara) and left. Though he only went as far as the next room, which is something I wouldn't have known a couple of months ago. Maze looked at me through narrowed eyes, told me Mara would stay with me for the rest of the night, and then went and lurked about the next room as well.

"Ruuel take courses in psychology?" I asked Mara.

"All captain candidates study psychology," Mara said. "I take it he's right in telling us you find it easier to handle issues if we don't downplay them?"

"If I think you're holding back, have to try and guess what you're not telling me," I said. "Got a good imagination."

One of the greysuits came in, asked me a couple of questions about my pain level and shot me full of sedative, which hit me like a cotton-wool tank, but Mara obligingly continued to let me use her as a pillow, at least until I passed out. After that she shifted to the chair by the bed but kept hold of my hand.

I slept most of the day. Ruuel must have decided I wasn't up to training, since I haven't seen him so far. Lots of visitors from the squads, though, and Isten Notra came to see me and left Shon to fill my ears with his thoughts about animals and snow and Kalasa. He's loving it here. I don't think he knows precisely how I was injured – he didn't ask, anyway. I feel vaguely guilty about all those very eager greysuits desperate to get back into Kalasa today and not able to.

Whenever the pain meds wear off my legs tell me that I did a lot of damage. I can walk to the ensuite, but Maze came in while I was creeping back to my bed and gave me a lecture about not asking for help. Then he took me to my new room, in a small building near the lake which either I didn't spot before or they created and outfitted specifically for me overnight. It's crammed full of scanners, and will be a combination of living quarters and test area for me.

Saturday, June 14

Don't shoot the messenger

Back to Kalasa today. Instead of working the entire day as a taxi, they had me bring through everyone in the morning, then took me back to my room to rest. Since the platform won't work if I'm just levitating above it, Par carried me the entire time, very romantically in his arms and rather pink around the ears. Even with that my legs started throbbing, and I was glad to lie down again and get another dose of painkiller. I swear Mum wouldn't be impressed with the amount of drugs I get through. I'm more injured than I properly understood at first – the wounds were deep, and the burns I think would be classed as second-degree. The painkillers they give me are really effective at blocking out what it feels like, but they're deliberately short-term doses so that the greysuits can assess my condition, and when I'm not quite fully medicated I feel awful. Plus they keep giving me restoratives and fortifiers: horrible drinks and injections which really do help with healing, but also leave me absolutely exhausted. It's annoying because I go through good patches and want to move about and feel almost normal, and then I completely run out of steam. Maze made me promise to not try and walk any more, and I've learned my lesson from that already, since that one stumbling trip to the bathroom made the medics re-do all my weird nanotech bandaging and lower my pain medication so that I can feel that I'm hurting myself when I walk. I hate having to be carried to the bathroom. Hate catheters more, though.


After playing taxi, I slept the rest of the morning. 'Normal' dreams, fragmentary and not quite logical, and I felt really quite good when I woke up just before lunch. The temperature had risen, and I talked Ista Temen – the greysuit on shift – into letting Par set up a chair and footrest outside so I could look at the view. It was a beautiful day – extremely blue sky, no wind, and the chill gone out of the air. The thin patches of snow which had formed all melted, and the lake looked amazing.

Since Par's slightly more inclined to talk if you get him alone, I asked him about his impressions of Kalasa and wasn't surprised to find that his feelings were mixed. "I'm glad to have seen it," he said. "But it makes me angry. And proud. And ashamed."

"Do you think the solution will be there?"

He shook his head, then added reluctantly: "If they had known the spaces would be shattered, they wouldn't have done it." And didn't add the 'would they?' he was obviously thinking. I wish I could talk to people about what was in the Nuran's book, but it's still being kept very quiet. I also wish I knew if Inisar had followed me to Muina. He's obviously capable of it, but avoiding the Ddura might pose him some difficulties.

The Litara arrived then, giving me the usual huge kick out of watching it settle on the lake. I always imagine Jules' reaction, and wish I could at least send postcards. Send Mum a happy snap or two of me relaxing on the shore of a lake on an alien world, watching a spaceship land and, as it turned out, a bunch of psychic space ninjas arriving. Squad One, who had returned briefly to Kolar while their Second Squad represented Kolar on Muina, but now were on Muina shift again. They flew directly from the Litara toward the command centre, and must have seen me wave to them since after they'd reported in or dropped off their luggage or whatever they were doing they all came back to say hello. When she found I couldn't stand up Katzyen, being the get-things-done person she is, relocated a bunch of rocks from the very edge of the lake to make a circle of stony seats so that they could stop looming over me. So now I have my own outdoor entertainment area.

"We heard you'd been injured again," Taranza said, eyeing my propped-up legs. I was wearing my uniform for warmth, and the bandaging makes me look like I have double-sized ankles.

"And couldn't find out how," Katzyen added, up-front as usual. "Most anyone would say is an accident in medical."

"I did to myself," I said. "Been developing talent which keep using accidentally when I'm sleeping. Set sheet alight. Really embarrassing."

That usefully kept to the truth and let them assume I was developing a fire talent instead of illusions-which-feel-real or whatever. Squad One asked me about the first time I'd ended up in Kalasa – they don't get access to the Taren Setari mission logs usually, but KOTIS had given them extracts – and they fetched down lunch and we had a bit of a picnic and talked about swimming, which is not a skill found on Kolar, and about Kalasa and Earth, and speculated on what it was that gave only me a security pass to Kalasa.

Katzyen challenged Par to a stone skipping competition, and the rest of Squad One except Shaf and Nalaz joined in. I was wondering if it would be possible to throw stones while Par levitated me when Shaf said: "I've been asked to speak to you on behalf of the government of Kolar."

I pretty much guessed what it would be, and didn't want to go there. But I couldn't think of anything to say to stop him, other than a wild temptation to make a crack about rescuing me from evil and misguided Tarens.

"The government of Kolar would like to extend to you an invitation to aid Kolar's Setari in the planet's defence," Shaf said, his voice quiet and even, his eyes meeting mine very directly. But his tanned cheeks were darker than normal and grew darker still as he went on to talk about what I'd get in return.

He stopped, and there was this awkward little silence where I was working not to gape at him. I could see Nalaz just past him, gazing fiercely out over the lake, rigidly upright. Then I felt incredibly sorry for them both, and said: "You look so mortified."

Shaf dropped his eyes, but Nalaz turned his head toward us and I think he was liking me for saying that.

"Wouldn't this mess up the alliance between Tare and Kolar?"

"Strain it," Shaf said. "But they can't dictate where you choose to live. Not without changing their own laws. And Kolar is suffering badly from attacks by larger Ionoth."

"Can you record an answer to give to the government of Kolar?" I asked, and Shaf nodded. I'm sure he was logging the conversation anyway.

"Okay." I sometimes forget and use English words – things like 'okay' and 'hi' – often enough that a lot of people here now know what I mean. "So, money first. There's nothing for me to spend it on. Everything I could be bribed with is on Earth, and it's not like I have to pay rent. Second, Taren Setari rescued me. If they hadn't, I'd be here alone figuring out how to survive Winter. I'm not going to forget that. Third, Kolar, while it's probably more like my own world than Tare is, has legal cloning. I know Tarens have lots of arguments about me being irreplaceable, but I think so far they're keeping to their laws about cloning. Tarens having enough trouble stopping me from falling apart mentally as it is, without risking me getting all worked up thinking they're cloning me. On Kolar...I wouldn't be as sure. Would probably enjoy visiting Kolar one day when whole problem with gates tearing everywhere is fixed, but fixing the gates is what I'm theoretically helping with now, and that will solve problem for both worlds. And I'm – I'm not for sale."

Something of my feelings came through in that, and I shook my head and added: "That's it."

Shaf gave me a strained smile. "Thank you."

"Pretend we didn't have this conversation," I said, and proceeded to do so. Which was easy enough since Ista Temen showed up and gave me another load of injections and I suddenly needed a nanna nap. Thankfully. That was without a doubt the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had.

But when I woke up – a little before I was due to go and play taxi again – I sent an email to Isten Notra attaching the log. I did think long and hard about not telling anyone at all, but it was within the bounds of possibility that the Kolaren government might not drop the subject. Besides, I'm convinced Ruuel would be able to tell.

Isten Notra opened a channel. "I needn't warn you that this is something you will not discuss."

"Is Kolar's situation really that bad?" I hadn't been paying a great deal of attention to the news just recently.

"They've been hard-pressed these last few weeks, taking significant losses. Kolar has not officially requested...borrowing you, but a great deal of interest was generated by the battle with the Array massive. I am going to order increased security for you, Caszandra."

"Figured. Can it be for only when I'm out of main KOTIS facility?"

She agreed to this readily enough, and asked me how I was feeling and said that we'd be heading back into Kalasa a little earlier than planned because she couldn't resist going to look and had finally bullied all the people telling her how unwise that would be into submission. They really aren't at all keen on Isten Notra risking herself, since her understanding of the Ena is one of the things they're counting on to find a solution to the fracturing spaces. I think Isten Notra and Inisar should sit down to chat.

The temperature had dropped by the time we headed for Kalasa, and I was pleased that Isten Notra was wearing her beanie. Shon and her secretary were along, of course, and she had arranged for Squad One to come as well, and peppered Shaf with questions, giving no hint that she knew the Kolarens had tried to buy me. I'm not sure if she's even going to tell the squad captains.


It was night all the way on the other side of the world, though soon to be dawn. Glade came down to join Par in walking about with me, and I could see he was brimming over with enthusiasm and excitement. I couldn't really blame him – Kalasa is a fairy castle of a city, cracked around the edges, but gloriously spectacular. On the far side of the shield it was snowing madly, giving a reverse snow dome atmosphere, and all the walls were glowing. A few more ordinary lights had been installed at points of particular activity, but in the context they looked as strange and unreal as all the rest of it. But the city feels more 'claimed' now and doesn't immediately conjure up nightmare memories. Or maybe it was that I was resting against Par's chest most of the time – he's a very comforting guy.

All three Taren Setari squads gathered together, greeting Squad One with nods, and Maze gave a concise report of progress so far. They've found what seems to be a library/training academy, which they're all very excited about, though they haven't done more than stare from the door since the contents seem inclined to fall apart at a glance. The shield has protected the contents of the city, but it hasn't magically preserved them.

The building with the malachite marble has been very rigorously sealed – and the drones stationed there indicate that the Cruzatch did make an attempt to return the previous day. The city is in part still functional, at least with whatever was making the water in my bathroom warm, and there's so much 'everyday' information about the Lantarens that the greysuits are in ecstasy. The Setari have been doing a preliminary evaluation and map of the site, which is taking a lot of time. Maze didn't actually call the place "freakin' huge" but Lohn's expression did. As I'd learned first time out, there's a lot of sub-surface structure.

The shielding makes the one around Arenrhon pale by comparison. It isn't controlled by the malachite marble, and is giving the greysuits something to argue about, since turning it off would leave the city exposed to the Winter storms. But they'd found a door. And wanted to poke me at it, of course. It was situated about halfway up the valley, at a point where two of the mountains came together, and was damn big, obviously designed to impress new arrivals, and gorgeously covered in carvings of leaves and vines and trees and water and animals peeping through, but no godlike people.

"The shielding runs through the walls, but the signature is very different through these doors," Islen Tezart said. "We've tried Ena manipulation with no response. We're hoping it will react to you."

Since everyone had been in the process of packing up and gathering ready to go back, I ended up with quite an audience and felt completely idiotic, especially when I put my hand on the door and nothing happened. "Feels warm," I said. Then added: "Open Sesame" hopefully and was really shocked when it worked.

Well, I don't think the words worked so much as me wanting it to open, giving it some sort of mental order. It opened outward, with a cracking noise I later realised was ice breaking, and I was hit by a full-on gale and everyone was pelted with snowflakes. Par hastily moved me a long way back out of the frigid wind and Second Squad, who had been sitting about in the Diodel hoping for a break in the weather, came inside for a brief reunion  . Opening the door allowed the drones to communicate clearly with the satellite and they decided that it was better to just block it physically instead of closing it.

Pleased to no longer be the only way into Kalasa, I was a cheerful taxi back to Pandora for the night, and fell asleep in the middle of a big group dinner in the main building. I woke up back in my little building, with Lohn and Mara playing babysitter in the next room.

I didn't know I'd lost my beanie till Ruuel gave it back to me, just after I'd transported Fourth Squad. He told me there'd be training tomorrow, if the medics cleared me, and then walked off with Taarel, but I was in too good a mood to be conflicted and sad, and was distracted trying to remember enough of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves to tell it properly to Isten Notra.

Sunday, June 15

Hot/Cold

After playing taxi this morning for a good half hour, with Glade carrying me, I spent some time in the main building having a very in-depth medicking session. My legs look amazingly horrible. The greysuits seem fairly confident that they'll be able to get me fixed up without significant scarring (after all, they can regrow skin, muscle, bone – probably everything except a missing head) but I'm not to try walking even short distances for a few more days. Part of the problem is I basically did 'everything' to my legs all at once – burns, deep tissue bruising, hairline fractures and massive gouges. All from the knee down, which makes managing it a little easier – though Ruuel did give me a few bruises stopping me from kidnapping myself.

The medics neutralised my pain meds completely during the first bit, which nicely demonstrated to me that my legs hurt an awful lot. It was Mori and Glade's turn to baby-sit me, and Mori did a lot of hand-squeezing and tried to distract me and I tried to pretend my eyes weren't full of tears. My new security arrangements seem to mean I have two Setari with me at all times, even when I'm just sleeping. Not suffocatingly so – they stay mostly in the next room while I sleep and will let me alone to read and things – but they don't allow anyone, even the greysuits, to be alone with me. Even Shon, who came to chat when I woke up for lunch. Fourth Squad is covering my days, and First and Third are rotating through covering the sleep shift. Eeli was part of my babysitting team during the dawn shift last night, and is a quite overwhelming person to have breakfast with.

It's hard to tell what Fourth Squad thinks about being taken off Kalasa-exploration to baby-sit me. Not visibly annoyed, at least, but I wouldn't expect that of them. Nor particularly wary of me, even though I'm probably as dangerous to them as I am to myself at the moment. Mori and Glade patently had no idea that they were guarding me from Kolarens.

After lunch, it was Ruuel and Sonn's turn, and time for some training. Ruuel was at his crispest and most efficient, levitating me into the second room and onto the scan chair after the scarcest of warnings. "Until you've recovered strength, these sessions will be confined to objects in the immediate area," he said. "And concentrate on the manifestations in this world. Keep your eyes open."

He had me try and make a copy of a mug which was sitting right in front of me. Keeping my eyes open was harder than it sounds, almost as bad as keeping your eyes open when sneezing. Every time I started to shut them, Ruuel would say "Eyes." He never sounded impatient, but I came dangerously close to trying to manifest a mug, preferably full of something hot, falling from the ceiling onto his head. Though he probably would have dodged.

But I did do it, eventually. The cup looked exactly the same, and not blurry either, so it probably wasn't floating around out in the Ena at the same time. I felt like I'd been trying to tie knots in cherry stalks with my tongue, but it was there.

And something else was too. I didn't notice it until Ista Temen took a deep breath. Sonn picked up the mug gingerly, and I could see the steam rising off it before I recognised the smell. Unfortunately, that surprised me enough that the mug vanished.

"What was it?" Ista Temen asked as I sat back in disappointment. "It smelled delicious."

"Hot chocolate," I said. "Earth drink. All these planets, and none of them have chocolate. Severe oversight in world creation."

"Was its inclusion deliberate?" Ruuel asked.


"No. Well, I was thinking about hot drinks." I gave him a bland look, but he was being all business as usual and didn't show any sign of knowing my thoughts.

"Repeat the exercise without letting your attention wander," he said, and kept me at it until I could produce the mug without taking ten minutes to manage it, and had the inevitable headache. But they're decreasing in severity.

"Is it warm again today?" I asked Ista Temen while she was giving me another dose of drugs. "Can I go outside?"

It was, fortunately – much warmer than when the morning shift went to Kalasa. Ruuel called the rest of his squad down and had them try and hit each other while he watched, offering the occasional critical comment. No approving nods this time, and I decided it was stupid to feel let down just because he hadn't given me any either. He's very strict with his squad.

I watched for a while, then searched for birds out on the lake, but I think they must have all migrated somewhere warmer. I was wondering how much trouble I'd get in if I tried to make a mug of hot chocolate without permission – and whether it would be possible to drink it – when Ruuel (standing just behind me and not at all where I'd thought he was) asked: "And would you have survived a Winter here alone?"

Barely managing not to jump out of my skin, I tilted my head back to look up at him, surprised he'd asked me a question not related to any assignment. That Isten Notra had obviously shown him the log of my conversation with the Kolarens wasn't unexpected, but I wanted to see if there was any hint of anger in his face. He was looking out, though, not down at me.

"Barring accidents, probably," I said. "The Ddura was keeping the Ionoth away, and the local predators had plenty of more familiar things to hunt. I would have had to stop being so squeamish and try to kill some of the sheep, though. Living on fruit and nuts wasn't doing me a great deal of good, and along with the meat the skins would have given me clothes, blankets and hides to block the windows with. Only had the vaguest idea how to cure hides, though, so probably would have been very smelly." I grinned, remembering the 'filthy creature' comment from The Hidden War, then sighed. "But the blood would have attracted predators, and the rams might have attacked me to protect their ewes. I don't think I'd have been able to manage a broken bone, though I suppose it's just barely possible the aether would have helped that heal. Probably wouldn't have survived that chest infection if moonfall had been a day or two later. Very handy."

I paused and looked speculatively toward the old town, but Ruuel said: "You can no longer risk exposure."

Because, like the Setari, I was now too dangerous to get drunk. It's lucky I'd more or less given up drinking already, or I might have had to be annoyed about that. It's moonfall tonight, too. I'm not even allowed to go outside and watch it because it gets very cold once the sun drops.

"I doubt I would have enjoyed surviving Winter very much, though," I said, looking back out at the lake, beautiful and indifferent. "And eventually I'd have gotten sick or hurt myself, and died."

He didn't say anything to that, but he stayed standing behind me for a while, maybe like me thinking about all the things which would have been different. Then he dismissed his squad, and took me to the amphitheatre for the afternoon's taxi service.

It sounds like a minor thing, but he carried me as Par and Glade did, which was mildly embarrassing when it was them, and with Ruuel sufficient to throw me into mute confusion. It's never a small thing for me when Ruuel touches me. Even a finger-brush of enhancement can send a tingle through me, and I'm always aware that Place Sight will tell him way too much about my reactions. It's very rare that he carries me – Par is my Fourth Squad toter. Even the standard carrying position is something I usually have to prepare myself for, so that my heartbeat doesn't skyrocket too obviously. All I could think of when he lifted me today was how close his face was to mine.

They've been carrying me about like that because my legs hurt more if they're not elevated, as well as the need for contact for the platforms. Floating above them won't trigger it, but someone standing on them holding me does.

I could feel every breath. And fell asleep while he was waiting for them to load the platform for the second trip. Kind of contradictory. It was like those dreams on the Diodel. Very peaceful, and yet sharply defined. I could hear his heartbeat, since my head was resting on his shoulder, and was almost glad when the Ddura showed up, noisy as it is, since the platform room is chock-full of drones no doubt busily recording a projection of me gazing up at Ruuel in the Ena. The Ddura could certainly see us, and was being all chirpily pleased until I told it to shut up – and was pleased in turn, because it seems more obedient when I'm dreaming.

The platform room in Kalasa looked different, too, quite distractingly so, pulling my attention away from Ruuel until he was flying me back, when I indulged in gazing up at him, enjoying all the tiny fine detail of a close-up view which wouldn't be recorded by drones or second level monitoring. He is so worth looking at.

When we returned to my little building, Ruuel put me carefully on my bed, then said: "Your instructions were to wake yourself whenever you began dreaming lucidly."

No surprise that he'd known. I made myself wake up, winced, then said: "Didn't need the headache."

I drew a breath to tell him about how different Kalasa had been while I was asleep, but he said in a distinctly cooler tone: "Keep to the training plan. You can't have forgotten the consequences of letting your guard down."

"No." My face burned and I looked away. "Sorry."

I pretended to still be very tired while Ista Temen checked me over, and after a while they all went into the next room and I worked on keeping perspective, but still cried just a little, and then did visualisation exercises until I dozed off. Lohn and Mara are babysitting me now, sitting out the evening shift.

I should have accepted Ruuel's offer to change trainers. He's definitely the best person for keeping me calm, but I don't seem able to stop wanting more than that, or ping ponging all over the place after the tiniest, mildest of reprimands.

An anchor doesn't work if it's trying to pull away from you.

Monday, June 16

Day Off

Fretted myself into a fever, having spent the night compulsively forcing myself to wake up, and racking my brains for some way to not ever have to see Ruuel again, yet somehow not let anyone know that's what I wanted. The dreams were all about trying to kill sheep, which I was very glad to stop as soon as I was aware of them.

When Ista Temen decided I should stay safely in bed and not do anything today I relaxed and slept for most of the day. I imagine there were a few frustrated greysuits, but it's not as if they can't get in without me now. I'm sure they're having fun over in those snowstorms. With any luck tomorrow my legs will be improved enough that I can stand and no-one will need to carry me.

I'm tired of all this.

Tuesday, June 17

Say Nothing

Maze and Zee were my dawn shift babysitters – Third Squad and Squad One went to Kalasa via the Litara yesterday, so we're down to two squads at Pandora. After Ista Temen had decided I was fit enough, Maze took me over to the amphitheatre for taxi duty. I asked Maze if I could stay upright today, but Ista Temen lowered my pain medication and let me try out standing, and I couldn't cope with it. She says I'm making good progress, but it feels like I've been like this forever.

"We're pushing to be sufficiently set up here to support the investigation without continuing to use you like this," Zee told me, after I'd shuffled everyone through to Kalasa and we'd gone out into the central square for another look.


"How's the exploration going?"

"Still going."

Maze laughed at her tone of voice, and gave me a wry smile. "It's an enormous place, and there's simply so much. We've a site map now, but actually cataloguing and making sense of what we've found could take years. The Sight talents have marked places for early investigation, but the Lantarens recorded on paper, and it's so fragile. We've wanted records so badly, and can hardly complain about having a library to sift through, but the need to do it slowly is remarkably frustrating." He paused. "Everywhere there are reminders that this was a school."

I hadn't failed to notice the skeletons scattered about, nor the small size of many of them, but I had something else on my mind. "Have you been in near-space here?" I asked carefully.

"Can't get to it. Even after you opened the door, the shielding keeps us out. And there's a reason you're asking that, isn't there?" Maze isn't slow.

"Fell asleep last time here. I can't be sure, but...just had a vague impression that Kalasa looked different in near-space. Though I didn't see much more than platform room."

"Different how?"

"Lights," I said vaguely. "Wasn't here long enough good look. Also, I guess the Ddura can't come here, because I haven't heard any when in Kalasa, no matter how much fooling around on platform."

Maze thought this well worth looking into, but since I wasn't the least bit tired right then he took me back to Pandora and told me not to have any midday naps so that they could try and recreate the experience this afternoon. He and Zee went to get some rest and Alay and Ketzaren took over babysitting, so I asked if they could help me have a shower. I've really lost all tolerance for being grubby, and the greysuits had told me that my nanotech bandages 'breathe' and thus shouldn't have scads of hot water run over them. Not until the burns are in better condition.

Coping with that took up a lot of the morning, and made all three of us rather giggly, but I felt a lot better afterwards. It was nice to see Alay laugh. She seems to open up a little on Muina, to talk more and hold her head higher. She loves watching the lake, but the daytime temperature's dropping here again, so they decided not to let me sit outside, and instead we watched the latest aerial survey information together and then the latest episode of The Hidden War, which had aired right after we came to Muina. It focused on the main character training fake-me and barely being able to understand the garbled Taren, and not being able to talk about her assignment with the rest of her squad. We were having lunch when I had a channel request from Ruuel, something now possible even though he's in Kalasa because the door's been opened and more satellites are in place.

The request had a text opener of "Kalasa near-space," and when I accepted he said without preamble: "Should I interpret 'just a vague impression' as 'very certain but you were cut short last time you tried to tell someone and now need a reason for the delay in mentioning it'?"

It was difficult to tell if he was angry. And everything I thought of in reply made me sound like I was being a smartass, so eventually I just said: "Yes."

"What precisely did you see?"

"The walls have glowing patterns in them, like electrical circuitry. The platform has more. They change colours when people go near them. They reacted to the drones as well as to people. They changed to a different colour near me."

Not a vague impression at all. The uncharacteristically long silence before Ruuel responded told me nothing useful, then he said: "My error. An unnecessary lecture at that juncture."

I wonder how often he does something he considers a mistake. I'm willing to bet he hates being wrong, but always acknowledges it meticulously. And to be fair I had to admit that his lecture hadn't been totally misplaced.

"Spirit of scientific discovery not exactly the initial reason I delayed waking myself up," I said, and dropped out of channel. Not making Ruuel have to deal with my crush is a kind of weird gentleman's agreement we have. He clearly doesn't want to respond to it. Whether because he's in love with Taarel, or just doesn't think I'm attractive, or whatever, the end result is still him carefully keeping me at a distance. So long as it's not open it's something handled relatively easily. But I'm finding it more difficult not to react to him, to want to push him to react to me, which is why he gave me that little reprimand – because I didn't do what I was ordered just to prolong a dream about him. I'm making his job harder.

Time to go back now. I'm definitely going to be able to sleep – between Ista Temen's fortifier, and my general tendency to be kitten-weak at irritating moments, I've barely been able to keep myself conscious to write this.

Friday, June 20

Hard Rest

The Kalasa sleeping experiment was both positive and negative. After ferrying some people and a pile more equipment to Kalasa I was established on the roof of a building one tier up from the flat central valley of the city. A number of seats and a couple of tables had been set on the main portico above the door, sheltered on three sides by higher sections of roof, but with an excellent view out over most of Kalasa. Ista Temen, very excited at being in Kalasa, and Maze and Zee sat with me, just generally chatting. The idea was to keep me feeling comfortable and unstressed and safe, and for me to pay attention to any oddnesses I observed if I had a dream of Kalasa, but to not feel pressured to have one and most particularly to wake myself up if I had a nightmare or felt threatened in any way.

It wasn't very difficult to fall asleep, but I immediately started dreaming of Cruzatch climbing over the edge of the roof, and hurriedly had to wake myself up. I didn't particularly want to go back to sleep after that, and instead sat talking with Maze and Zee about why I sometimes projected what I was seeing into real-space and sometimes only the sounds or 'sensations' – if you could call tearing chunks out of my own legs a sensation – and sometimes I don't seem to project anything at all. Maze said he did get a very strong sense of threat just before I woke myself up, but that it wasn't as distinct and directional as it would be if Cruzatch really were about to attack. He didn't quite say that he was detecting me as a threat, but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.

I dozed off again after a while, but again didn't dream of coloured lights in Kalasa's near-space. Instead I had a very interesting dream about Lantarens in Kalasa. The shield was down and the sky very blue and bright above a clean and sparkling city, with whole bridges and a very remarkable central waterfall which poured straight down from where the bridges met high above. There was a pool in the centre of the city between the platform buildings which is buried in rubble outside of dreams.

Hordes of people lined a major street all the way from the big entrance door to the central circle. Officials and families and guard-types and a few dressed like Inisar had been. And there were masses of kids, all of them dressed in a pale green-white and carrying huge armfuls of flowers, making a long procession from the entrance down to the central pool where they walked over this thin bridge through the water to give their flowers to the people waiting, who gave them a little crown of flowers in return. Those at the front of the lines looked to be around ten, and those toward the end were at least my age. Almost all of them were the same 'type' as Inisar, Ruuel, Taarel and Selkie – very dark eyes and hair and warm golden skin – which I guess suggests their appearance is a reflection of their descent from the Lantarens.


There was music, too: a solemn, measured drumming and swirling, interweaving notes which mixed with the hushing roar of the fountain – pipes, I guess, both high and deep. I glanced about for the musicians, noticing that the Tarens and Kolarens were in my dream as well, very astonished, which made me realise I must be projecting. The Lantarens didn't seem able to see them, but a few near the biggest groups of greysuits were peering confusedly about, as if they sensed something.

I would have liked to watch more – there was so much – but in the time it took for two little green-gowned children to get all soaked and give out their flowers, this great black rock came and sat on my chest and pulled me out of Kalasa and into a sleep which didn't involve dreams or being aware of people around me or anything but nothingness. Kind of refreshing, really. When my mind finally came back, I felt physically blah, but still rested.

The first thing I noticed was that Zan was there. That made me open my eyes, surprised, and then I noticed how heavy my arms and legs felt. I was in my room at Pandora, despite Zan being there. She was watching me – no doubt the interface had told her I'd woken up – and smiled when I turned my head toward her. Zan's really pretty when she stops looking all serious and guarded. She's very fine-boned and delicate – not that I'd care to take her on in a fight.

"Welcome back," she said.

"Did I get injured?" I asked, discovering uncomfortable tubes. Then I looked at my interface and said: "When did it get to be the day after tomorrow? What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"Dreamed about Lantaren ceremony, but had to go to sleep. More to sleep."

"You exhausted yourself physically." Zan moved aside as Ista Deve (who I like less than Ista Temen because I can almost see her mentally composing research papers about me) started checking me over. I was awfully tired and incredibly hungry, for all that I seem to have been on a feeding drip. "Not a safe use of talent, though usually not fatal if you're in good general condition."

Which doesn't exactly describe me – though sleeping for two days has given my legs more of a chance to heal, and they no longer start throbbing if I don't keep my feet elevated. Twelfth Squad is on medical leave as well: all but Zan and Sora Nels were injured when two stilts turned up in the middle of one of the more difficult rotations. Tahl Kiste is the worst, with lots of broken ribs and a crushed elbow. Although it sounded like actually surviving was a very good result, none of the teams like being invalided out, and rather than have her squad fret over it Zan suggested they assist with babysitting me.

After I had something to eat – confusedly trying to question Zan and respond to half of First and Fourth Squad wanting to talk to me – I slept again until about midnight and now I'm still feeling gluggy but not like lead weights are tied to my arms. Mara and Lohn were in the process of taking over from Maze and Zee so I could chat to them all for a while and hear their reaction to my overdone projection.

"Every historian on site in near-hysterics, practically gibbering," Lohn said. "But at least there were plenty of drones recording the projection and we could distract them with the logs."

Mara snorted. "And then trying to get them to make some sort of decision of whether they were staying or going, since anyone who was going had to come straight away since while you weren't in a critical state, this kind of exhaustion weakens the system far too much for us not to take you somewhere warm and keep you there. We ended up having to station a second ship there to deal with the accommodation. Second, Third and Fourth are still on-site."

"And you are not going anywhere near Kalasa until you're in full health," Maze added. "Even then, given how energy-greedy that projection was, those who want another glimpse into the past are due to be severely disappointed."

"Think it was really true then?" I asked.

"That or you have a remarkable imagination," Zee said, wrinkling her nose. "Did you have any awareness of what was going on beyond the visual?"

I hadn't, other than thinking it beautiful, but enjoyed hearing what First Squad thought about it. Maze and Zee have gone to bed and I'm sitting on the couch in the babysitter's room, snugged between Lohn and Mara while I write this. My legs feel much better and I'm allowed to walk to the bathroom by myself and everything.

Saturday, June 21

Botany

Spent the afternoon talking to Islen Dola, one of the senior greysuits trying to categorise a whole world's worth of plants. He took me (and Zan and Lenton) on a tour of the greenhouse (conservatory?), where they're growing samples of plants – mainly things that they think might be edible, but also other potentially useful sorts of plants. Between Tare and Kolar and Channa (which is a very rocky planet) and Dyess (even more ocean than Tare, with a mass of tropical islands), the greysuits know an awful lot about different sorts of plants and environments, but only Earth is tilted like Muina and experiences the same sort of seasonal shift.

Muina is really an incredibly fertile and inviting planet. Even its oceans are freshwater, with a couple of saltier lakes, and only a few places desert-dry and lacking lush plant life. All the planets the Muinans fled to seem horribly harsh and hostile by comparison. Even with their overpopulation issues, the Tarens didn't leap to try and repopulate Dyess, or take Channa from the people living there because they're far from ideal.

Although Islen Dola was partly just showing the conservatory off to me, he also wanted to pick my brains. As well as identifying any plants which even vaguely resembled Earth plants and saying what little I could about them, anything I could think of about seasons and plants could be useful. I told him about how Mum puts tulip bulbs in the refrigerator so they'll flower properly, and about certain seeds in Australia needing a bushfire to trigger their germination. He found Australian bushfires thoroughly distracting.

Zan levitated me about, which always makes me feel idiotic, but even though I can walk for short distances they prefer me not to stay on my feet for long periods.

Sunday, June 22

Decorative

I've been getting to know Twelfth Squad better. The main surprise is Lenton, who though I've seen him being super-temperamental and who obviously felt he should be Twelfth Squad's captain instead of Zan, turns out to be a pretty okay guy. Full of suppressed energy, but he focuses it on training and doesn't go around being pointlessly nasty or confrontational – except when he loses his temper, which I expect is exactly why he's not captain.

They're rotating through the morning and afternoon babysitting shift, and Zan had her whole squad come down for practice this afternoon, even Kiste, who can't do much more than sit with me and watch. Kiste told me a little about the fight which landed Twelfth on medical leave, and I got a good vibe from him about how Twelfth is feeling about Zan now. There's a kind of confidence squads seem to develop in their captains. Even though these are people who were all raised together, they've decided to trust Zan's judgment, to accept her orders in bad situations. I could never be a captain. I'd loathe having to prove myself to people, and I'd stress out completely with the responsibility of making decisions for other people. Not to mention the whole not being able to fight my way out of a wet paper bag issue.

I've taken to wearing ordinary clothes instead of my uniform, but the temperature dropped enough outside today that I compromised and wore my uniform and my new jacket over the top. It's a parchment-shade fake leather thing with black strips around the edges and I've been working on drawing a pattern of flowers similar to Celtic knot work but looser which I'd seen on the main doors to Kalasa. It took me ages to map it out right using pencils, and my big nikko pen was running dry toward the end of me inking just the main part in, but I think it looks pretty good. Maze says it's a big improvement over pictures of experimental animals.


I was glad to realise today that I don't really have two whole squads (or a squad and a half) devoted purely to babysitting me. In between watching me sleep, First and now Twelfth have been assisting the exploration teams out harvesting specimens, and even with preparing areas for construction. They're really serious about this being the current capital of Muina. Pandora will eventually bracket the old town completely, although it's a long way from that right now.

No near-future plans to expand down to the stream with the otters, I'm glad to say.

Monday, June 23

Sleet

Ista Temen took my bandages off this morning so my legs could 'air'. The main difference is that nothing is oozing any more, but my skin is crinkled and seamed and the burned bits are silvery and feel extremely weird when I poke at them. Kiste, who was on morning shift with Dess Charn, said he's going to have to stop complaining about his elbow. That's exaggeration – his bones were crushed and before Twelfth came to Pandora he'd spent days having surgery on it and even with Taren nanotechnology it will be weeks before it's close to useable and probably months before he's fully recovered. I'm allowed to walk somewhat longer distances, and don't feel quite so much of a cripple any more. Not that I'm happy to have amazingly ugly legs. The cosmetic work will take a couple of months, because they're more interested in getting me healthy than making sure I look good in a dress.

Ista Temen has scaled back my pain meds all the way. She says she'll give me something if I need help sleeping, but that if I want to walk about I need to know when I've pushed it too far. I also have these mild stretching exercises I have to do – moving my feet and lower legs about while sitting down.

My babysitter shifts always have at least one girl (Dess Charn this morning, Zan this afternoon, Alay and Ketzaren this evening) and at least one person with Combat Sight. Now that I'm not so sleepy half the day, I feel less tolerant of having two people in constant attendance, but they at least are willing to chat and to not be in 'Ena-mode'. Not that Zan's not incredibly proper still, just not at full alert.

It rained all morning, this icy near-hail, and after it stopped everything froze. So I can walk, but I can also fall over really easily. Lohn and Mara are here now, and we're going to watch some movies and maybe play some of these virtual world interface games.

Tuesday, June 24

Resolution

A day for gabbing about sheep, and then other Earth farm animals with another of the greysuits. I always end up feeling amazingly ignorant of my own world in these conversations.

They've decided I'm recovered enough to risk me going back to Kalasa tomorrow. Not to play taxi or to have any dreams – they don't want me to attempt any dreams till I'm a little more recovered, not even training. Since I haven't been having any lucid dreams lately, and theoretically have enough control to wake myself up if I dream lucidly, I'm under orders to not push the development of my talents until further notice.

Tomorrow I'm assigned to First and Fourth to scout out which of the platforms go where. Fifteen buildings, fifteen platforms, but we've only discovered nine pattern-roof villages (and Arenrhon, which has its own platform). And when I was told about that my heart gave this huge thump and then I had to spend time reassuring Maze that no the idea didn't distress me at all.

Ever since the Kalasa dream, when I've woken up I haven't been aware of Ruuel's absence. I'd decided this was a positive sign, that I was accepting the big 'no' he hasn't had to say out loud, and have been very careful not to write about him, look at any logs involving him, or think about him if I could help it. If I did think about him, I'd very deliberately imagine him kissing Taarel, remind myself that he's made it absolutely clear he doesn't want to get close to me, and tell myself that I was so happy I was finally getting over him.

Such a lie.

I had an unplanned nap this afternoon and dreamed of Ruuel. He was standing alone in the dark – levitating just above the snow – watching the horizon. I could see him clearly, even though there didn't seem to be any lights, and his face was very still and peaceful.

I made myself wake up. It wasn't a projecting dream, but I'm not sure if the monitors would have picked up use of my Sight talent. And if I'd looked at him any longer I might have reached out and tried to touch him. I've decided I can want him as much as I want, but no more little lapses. Nothing which makes him have to deal with my feelings, or even think about them. But I'm not going to stop enjoying looking at him.

Wednesday, June 25

World Travel

An early start to today's 'explore the platforms' assignment, since we were trying to mesh together First Squad, Fourth Squad and me all being awake at different times. I wasn't too tired – I'd gone to bed early, woken up in the middle of the night and written in my diary, and slept fairly solidly till Zee woke me a while before Pandora dawn. It was very freezy outside, so I took my beanie, but opted against my jacket since I knew that at least the desert platform would make me wish I was wearing less not more.

I gather that on particularly stormy days the wind chill at Kalasa has been so icy that they increased the amount of nanoliquid going into the Setari uniforms to allow for extra insulation and for wearing of head coverings as well. Mara showed me the option for the head covering and I burst into laughter because instead of the balaclava I was expecting, it resembles cloth wound above and below the eyes and now they really do look like they're space ninjas. The nanosuits are really adaptable – they can even create goggles if they want.

Maze hauled along a half-dozen drones to place at each of the sites which didn't have a drone already, and set them in the central circle of Kalasa where Fourth Squad was waiting. Afternoon there, of course, and it looked like the snowstorms had let up, but Maze was being all mission-mode and efficient, so I didn't ask if I could go look outside at the construction.

"Along with placing drones, we'll be performing a short survey of each site, known and unknown. Blind entry protocol applies." Maze signalled us toward the first of the platform buildings.

Since Alay and Ketzaren were my minders for the day, I asked Ketzaren what blind entry protocol was and she explained that it was how the squads behave when going through gates in the Ena, except when everyone has to go through at once instead of waiting for the leaders to signal them through. With platform travel it meant that people without Combat Sight were positioned toward the centre, with the Combat Sight/speed talents distributed evenly around the edges. My problems with contact with too many people at once makes this a little awkward, but they worked it out by having Alay on the edge, the drone beside me, and Ketzaren on the inside. Levitation helps a lot with getting me on and off platforms without everyone having to edge out of my way.

We went anti-clockwise around the circle of platforms, and spent the day on a tour of very disparate parts of Muina. Six pattern-roof villages, one platform which didn't work, and two cities. The cities were a bit of a surprise. Neither of them were Nurioth, but the drones and satellites allowed us to pinpoint them easily enough and they turned out to be the two next-largest cities other than Nurioth. I particularly liked the first of the cities we went to, which meandered beneath this incredible forest of absolutely massive trees – redwood tall. It was by far the most ruined of all the sites, tree roots and trunks displacing what they hadn't shattered, and full of bird song and the chirring of insects.

Not much in the way of Ionoth, since these were all locations which 'anchored' Ddura, but a few native creatures like the border collies weren't very pleased to see us and snarled and grumbled but stopped short of attacking.


Since everyone was in official patrol mode, there wasn't much in the way of chatting or exclamations. The one exception was when we went to the desert location where I'd been stranded. It was painfully hot there, stifling in the sand-clogged platform room, and worse above. I could only be glad it hadn't been quite this bad when I'd been dragging trees about. I sensibly retracted the sleeves and neck of my uniform even before we'd climbed onto the platform at Kalasa, and Maze and Ruuel told their squads to follow my lead. Even so, the heat hit us like a hammer and everyone was dripping before we were even out in the sun. The squads still punctiliously did the same amount of surveying, though there was fortunately little to see except the blackened remains of my arrow, frayed around the edges where windblown sand had already started to swallow it.

"I just can't believe you did that in this heat," Lohn said, breaking out of professional mode as we paused to stare at charcoal and sand. "I feel like my lungs are cooking with every breath."

"Is hotter now," I said, shrugging so I could pretend I wasn't feeling tight-chested remembering. "And I waited till late afternoon. Worst bit was trying to start the fire beforehand." Although, really, I think the worst bit was when I got lost on the way back after lighting the arrow. There was just blackness everywhere until I turned around, and I felt so small and confused and overwhelmed.

"Enough for the day," Maze said, and took us back to the platform without another word. We immediately froze half to death from temperature difference and I was made to drink horrible fortifying drinks and have a medical exam. We'll finish the rest tomorrow. Everyone seems to be convinced I'm going to have screaming nightmares tonight, and I have Taarel and Sefen from Third as first shift babysitters.

I was very good about Ruuel, not self-indulgent or annoying in any way. I only properly looked at him when he spoke, which was exactly twice, and so long as he's not the person whose job it is to haul me about, I should be fine.

Thursday, June 26

Pieces of Sphinx

I did have nightmares last night, but they were nightmare nightmares – no projection involved in real-space or the Ena, and none of the certainty of awareness which is my completely unpredictable Sight talent. I dreamed I was lost in a dark maze, and the only door I could find was being held shut from the other side. Taarel woke me up, her hand on my forehead, but didn't push me to tell her what I'd been dreaming.

It snowed like crazy overnight, and Pandora looked spectacular in the morning, mounded with fluffy brand-new snow. Eeli loved it, even though she'd already been dealing with the snow out at Kalasa. I swear if Maze hadn't come down to collect us she would have romped through it like a puppy. It snowed all day, so that when we came back it was piled up against the door of my building. Everyone in Pandora is learning things about snow and the one we learned today was that we really need something to wipe or scrape the snow off in the airlock part of the door rather than track it into the corridor or the inner rooms, where it promptly melts into chilly puddles.

The last few platforms brought no surprises – just pattern-roof towns. And no Arenrhon, even though there's a platform there. They're not sure if the non-working platform is meant to link there, or if it's possible that Arenrhon is on a different 'network'. All but one of the Ddura 'recognised' us, which suggests that there's maybe five Ddura altogether, each patrolling three platforms. That's the current theory, anyway.

We had lunch at Kalasa, along with Squad One and Second Squad – a great big group of us sitting in the central circle using some of the rubble as chairs. The captains went off with the senior bluesuit, Tsen Sloe, and Islen Duffen and Islen Tezart, who have been transferred to Kalasa from Arenrhon. Everyone else 'talked shop' about the Ionoth they'd been encountering on the island, and also back on their respective planets. This thrilled me so much I fell asleep and dreamed of interesting lights again. Everywhere. I was trying to work out if there was any rhyme or reason when Nalaz pointed out to everyone that I was asleep and Mara reached to wake me up.

"No, wait," I said, which didn't work, but I tried again and got the "Wait" to be audible and Mara stopped with her hand on my shoulder. I knew they'd consult the captains, so busily kept looking about and was ready for them when all four captains set down in front of me.

I considered staying asleep and projecting again, but it felt like using a pulled muscle, so I woke myself up instead, blinked, and said: "Sorry, really hard to stay awake after drinking those fortifier things. Was seeing those lights again. It's–" I paused, struggling with the magnitude of what I wanted to describe. "Don't think I can describe that properly, but did see that circular building sends out pulses occasionally and everything seems to answer it." I pointed toward a building halfway up the opposite slope, then rubbed my temple irritably. "Think I haven't been projecting in my sleep lately because I can't. It's like that bit of me is too tired."

Maze shifted from a faint frown to the abstract expression of someone looking things up over the interface. "Only a preliminary view there," he said, and glanced at Ruuel, who immediately signalled his squad and went for a look. Maze, Grif and Shaf sat down and Maze said: "Even a bad description is a start." He brought all the squads into a mission channel, along with the three senior officers the captains had been talking to.

I wrinkled my nose – it really wasn't something which is easy to put into words – then said: "All of the whitestone has lights in it. Bands of squiggles which branch out – a bit like veins. Dim and really indistinct most of the time, but when anyone goes near it, it reacts and gets brighter. Even these fallen bits." I glanced at the chunks of broken bridge and fountain I'd been resting against. "It reacts with a different colour to me. Twice a pulse of light went out from the circular building, washing over whole city, and everywhere where there are people, it sends a little pulse back. Even these broken bits, for all they don't seem connected."

Islen Tezart, sounding wholly delighted, asked: "Do you mean these lights are made up of symbols? Writing?"

"Not really. Will try and draw." Which I did, using one of the interface drawing applications, which I'm even worse at using than a mouse-operated thing. It looked like a four year-old had tried to draw a flock of boomerangs and pieces of string flying south for the winter. "Not even close," I said apologetically.

"Visual," said Ruuel, streaming what he was seeing to us. The building was one big empty room with a domed ceiling, an empty walkway/border around the edges, and a huge and utterly gorgeous mosaic covering the rest of the floor. Similar imagery to the entrance to Kalasa, it was all flowers and flowing branches, stylised animals and lakes and streams. A picture of the world.

Ruuel began switching through Sights. First the room went all shadowy, and I thought I saw a hint of movement, and then it was like the mosaic became three-dimensional, lifting into a hemisphere of floral shapes and slinking, flitting, drowsing animals. And then flattened down again, and became very like what I'd been seeing: streaming particles of light, particularly centring on two circular areas in the mosaic, one faded yellow and one greyish.

"Considerably more than decorative," Ruuel said. "Function–" He paused, and I suspected he and Halla were talking over their impressions out of channel. Even though he has more Sights than Halla, Ruuel always consults with her on her impressions for things like this. I'm not sure if it's because she's stronger with Place Sight, or if the talent is just so variable that it's like fitting together fragmentary puzzle pieces in hopes of making a picture. "The most distinct impression is one of a place of annunciation, of being judged."


There was a exceptionally boring period following this where bunches of the Setari and greysuits yakked at each other and installed machines and made cautious attempts to work out what the mosaic was for and how to make it react. I stayed where I was, with Lohn and Mara for company, and worked on my Muinan animals project, which was something I could chat to them about. But eventually everyone gave in and decided to poke Devlin at the mosaic to see what happened. They're much less keen to use me for testing since my first excursion to Kalasa, but it's easy to spot the situations where it's going to happen.

The mosaic did seem to react to me, when they plunked me on the yellow circle. The machines picked up a surge in power. But then there was another short age of faffing around, trying to get me to make something, anything, happen. Lots of bright ideas from the greysuits, mostly based around doing the same thing I'd done with the platforms – except theoretically to a higher security level. None of that seemed even remotely inclined to work.

"You don't have any suggestions of your own, Caszandra?" Isten Notra, observing over the interface, asked.

"Trial by combat?" I asked, looking very doubtfully at Ruuel, who had been patiently standing on the other circle for what seemed an eternity. He looked down, which I suspect was to hide how ludicrous he found that idea. I sighed. "Don't see why trying to start with me. If judging, shouldn't other person be proving themselves worthy? Kalasa already seems to know what is my place in this world."

I was just being frustrated, but Ruuel looked up, eyes widening. "Phrase that as a question," he said – ordered, it was very much an imperative command.

It took me a moment, since I had already been asking a question. But then I twigged, and said: "What would you be to Muina?"

He didn't answer out loud, but dropped his gaze back to the mosaic, and then closed them, going very still. Everyone else in the room shut up, almost seeming to hold their breath. I've no idea what he was thinking, what he told Kalasa he wanted to be, but I guess it approved. Just for a moment there, I swear the mosaic shifted. I couldn't spot the difference, but I had to wonder if another tiny tile had been added.

After that everyone got really cheerful. Particularly me when a bit of experimentation showed that Kalasa now responded to Ruuel much as it does me: he could activate the platforms and the mosaic. And Maze then Mara then Islen Tezart quickly followed suit. That's the best news I've had for ages. No more playing taxi or being poked at stuff for me. Not everyone 'passes' though – which naturally upsets those who don't – particularly Islen Duffen, who looked like she'd been slapped. I did notice, from the few who failed before I was taken back to Pandora, that it mainly seems to be people who aren't comfortable with Muina itself – being under so much sky, and with sticky plants and bugs and animals all uncontrolled and in every direction. KOTIS has been having to return a reasonable percentage of staff back to Tare just because they can't cope with Muina.

No-one seems to want to talk about what being judged feels like, either. It seems it's a bit more involved than making some kind of life goals statement. None of the Setari have failed so far, but given the squads involved, I'm not surprised. I was glad all the Kolaren Setari managed. They've stopped looking quite so distracted since the news brought word that matters had improved on Kolar, but today was the first time Shaf has smiled at me since his government tried to buy me.

All I've got scheduled is a morning medical appointment tomorrow. I'm willing to bet they're going to send me back to Tare again.

Friday, June 27

Ice

Zan and Lenton were my post-breakfast babysitters. They'd already been to Kalasa earlier that morning and passed, and so were subdued and thoughtful – I couldn't tell if it was mainly because it was their first time in Kalasa, or if it was the test. The most I could get anyone to describe what it's like was Zee, who told me it left her feeling very exposed, like something very large had opened her up and taken a look inside.

Given the whole idea of the planet as a living entity, I can see why this disconcerts them all so much. They're not sure if what's judging them is the planet, or just some device of the Lantarens. I'd love to know why I didn't have to be judged, but I'm glad not to have to try. It would be mortifying to fail.

My medical appointment was over by mid-morning, and Zan told me she had permission for us to go outside Pandora, which I thought a nice surprise. I immediately suggested we go to see whether the otters were still there – I'm pretty sure otters don't move about to avoid Winter.

As we whizzed effortlessly along the lakeshore I was thinking about those first two weeks on Muina, and all that walking. Trying to picture having to do it in my school uniform in snow. Even in the enhanced Setari uniform and my coat and beanie, flying through the chill made me uncomfortably aware of how little chance I would have had. And then I noticed that we'd flown right past the otter stream. I looked over at Zan in confusion and she smiled (so rare for her to smile) and nodded at the ground.

Six squads of Setari make for a lot of people. Against a huge empty field of snow their black uniforms made them look like a flock of crows, with Squad One's green and black a distinct sub-group. Zan set us down in the centre, where the captains were all clustered together with their squads just a little back.

I stared from Zan to Maze, who said: "You wanted an epic fight with snow?"

It's not often that they do something which so totally surprises me. I said "Really?" on a note of disbelief, then blushed, and looked about at them all being amused at me, then back at Maze. And blushed more and said: "Thank you," and tried not to embarrass myself by bursting into tears.

He gave me one of those super-spectacular smiles. "We've been trying to work out what sort of rules would apply. Is there a standard for these games?"

I seriously doubted that standing in the middle of the field shrieking with laughter and madly hurling handfuls of snow at each other would work for Setari. "Not really," I said. Thinking of Dad's paintball games I added: "Could each mark out a base and do rule that if you get hit, you can't participate until next round, and have to wait in team who hits you base until no-one left. Or do a capture the flag where the team in custody of the flag at the end of limit wins. In that, if you get hit you have to return to base, but then can join back in straight away."

"Either of those would work," Maze said, glancing at Grif. "Perhaps one capture in current squads, and then a second round on an individual points basis?"

"What will we use as a flag?" Grif asked.

"Isn't that obvious?" Nils, looking highly amused, patted me on the head. "A flag which can fight back."

"I just throw snowballs at random people?" I asked.

"At all of us. If you manage to hit any of the squad trying to capture you before they get into grabbing distance, they'll all have to go back to their base. And any squad who wants to capture you has to hit you with a ball of snow. Since I'm sure you won't think this half as entertaining if we scrupulously avoid so much as mussing your hair." He plucked off my beanie and pulled it on, dark curls framing his face. It really suited him – totally smexy. "When you're captured, you can aim at attacking squads, but not your current captors."

Something which encouraged the Setari to not baby me seemed a good idea, and the captains quickly settled the final details. Combat Sight and Speed were allowed because they're practically impossible not to use, but no other talents except Levitation or Telekinesis for carrying the flag. The interface could be used for communication which everyone would hear, but not for showing the location of enemies. Rather than a time limit, winning meant getting me back to their base without losing me. Maze quietly told me not to overtax my legs, then brought everyone into one general channel, and airlifted me into the middle of a vast white expanse. And, after double-checking that I was good to go, left me there.


I was at the crest of a small hill, with only a leafless tree and clumps which I realised were nearly buried snow-covered bushes for company. It was, though of course didn't tell any of the Setari, totally not what I'd meant by an epic snowball fight. I'd been picturing a repeat of a family trip, just with First Squad: a shambolic and silly battle where everyone got covered in snow and there was no real point to it all. But I was really touched that they'd go so far for me, and had managed to coordinate all the squads on Muina – presumably they think it's safe to leave the construction on Kalasa with just greensuits on guard. And I was really surprised Ruuel was willing to participate, since he stays away from competitive stuff, but I guess he'd consider it good for his squad's morale. I'd avoided looking particularly at him, but a quick review of my log showed him being the only captain not smiling at my reaction, just his usual detached and alert mode.

Bet he wanted his squad to win, though.

I decided I'd be happy if I could hit someone, anyone, before being captured. While the squads worked out equidistant locations for their bases, and marked the boundaries, I debated hiding versus making a stand and decided I might as well avoid stressing out my legs. We were a bit higher than Pandora, and the snow was deeper. I'd sunk straight past my knees and by the time I'd finished scrunching out a little bunker and building up the walls, it was waist high. I sat down so I wouldn't be visible and made a pile of snowballs while listening to the chatter over the interface.

They weren't being all deadly serious, fortunately. Lohn and Nils kept up a patter of shit-talk aimed at each other, and anyone who was hit usually said something on the lines of 'good shot', or laughed or groaned. Running in snow was also proving a new challenge. It was a while before anyone got anywhere near me – so far as I can tell everyone first tried to ambush the squad nearest to them, before making their way toward me. I certainly had a nice pile of snowballs by the time anyone came close.

Three teams came within range of my senses at almost the same time (I was shamelessly using my own Sight). Second Squad, Squad One and Third Squad. They were all approaching from different directions, but Squad One and Third Squad attempted to cut each other off, giving Second a chance to rush my fort.

They were coming in a tight bunch, which was a big mistake. I waited till they were almost on me then, lying relaxed in my bunker, simply lobbed as many snowballs as possible in a high arc into the middle of them. Combat Sight saved some, but the groans and laughter prompted me to pop my head up to survey the damage – Nils and Keer Charal brushing snow off and the whole squad having to return back to base. Nils gave me back my beanie as a prize, which nearly distracted me from Third Squad and Squad One, who both decided to take opportunistic shots. I fell over my pile of snowballs trying to avoid the shots, and then dissolved into giggles when Nils took one of them in the face.

"Nils dodge worse than I do," I said, trying to control my laughter enough to lob snowballs in something like the right direction for Third Squad and Squad One.

"Depends who's aiming," he said with a super-sexy grin, wiping snow out of his eyes before following his squad back down the slope.

Third Squad and Squad One managed to destroy each other, so that by the time I poked my head out of my fort, only Eeli was left to fight. Eeli's better at dodging than me, and her smile was at nuclear hyper-wattage for the rest of the day after making first capture.

Taarel, looking highly amused, took the rest of Third Squad on a slightly different course back to base so that they couldn't confuse anyone coming after Eeli and me, and Eeli – huge-eyed and vibrating with excitement, but keeping very quiet – had me go ahead of her on a somewhat circuitous route in the same direction, using the cover of half-buried bushes. Since she's not telekinetic, we couldn't move very quickly, but the snow was broken up enough by then that it wouldn't be obvious which direction we'd gone. Combat Sight only shows threats, and the other squads weren't allowed to use Path Sight, so I actually had more of an advantage tracking than the Setari.

First Squad effortlessly took me away from Eeli – though I did almost hit Lohn before Zee got me – but then there was a really tangled battle between fragmented bits of squads returning from their various bases, which First Squad managed to survive losing only Maze and Alay.

Not letting your squad get fragmented was obviously an important tactic, as First and then Fourth proved. Just as First was approaching their base, Fourth ambushed – as much as you can ambush anyone with Combat Sight. Mori got me hard in the back as part of a relentless barrage which took out Ketzaren and Lohn. Mara immediately tried to capture me back, only to have her ball seemingly explode mid-air. I only realised what had happened when Zee's attack went the same way, intercepted by another snowball.

"Nice tactic," Zee said, shaking her head at Ruuel as she picked ice out of her hair.

"Be prepared to have it used against you," Mara added with a grin, and waved at me before they both headed toward their far-too-close base.

Maze was already on his way back, and Ruuel signalled his squad to hurry up, before ducking down and blurring on ahead along a different route. He was smiling. Just ever-so-faintly. I suppose maybe it was more that he looked extra-alert and alive, with his eyes open wide, but definitely enjoying himself. The rest of his squad certainly was: even Sonn was bright-eyed. If Fourth's base hadn't been on the opposite side of the hill they might have won, but they ran up against Third, Squad One and Second, who held off ambushing each other in favour of taking Fourth down. With First coming up behind, there was an inevitable, suitably epic stand-off. I ended up tagged by Nalaz, and he and Taranza hastily hauled me off while Shaf guarded their retreat. And then Twelfth Squad pounced, having waited for the critical moment when almost everyone was heading back to their own bases.

It was great seeing how proud Twelfth Squad were of Zan. Even though half of them are injured, it was her strategy which had let them win. And so funny watching Zan being so very correct, but with her cheeks so pink, as the other captains congratulated her.

After that we had an every-man-for-himself game of hide-and-seek, where we tallied every time we hit someone, and every time we got hit. Ruuel won this effortlessly, which I don't think surprised anyone, although Nalaz and Mara came close at stages. Afterwards we all went and had a big, hot lunch and everyone looked so relaxed and happy and of course I fell asleep.

Lohn and Mara are being my babysitters at the moment, though I've left them alone in the other room because I got the impression they wanted to snuggle. It was a really good day. I wish I could think of some way of thanking them properly in return.

Toward the end of the hide-and-seek, I'd headed off to one side to get a bit of a rest and make a stock of snowballs. For ease I was lying on my back, deep in the snow, watching the sky growing greyer. And Ruuel came near me. I felt him before he knew who I was – he was following my tracks I think. But something must have made him realise. Because he stopped, and then changed direction away from me.

"Too easy?" I said loudly. I was really angry, abruptly understanding just why Kajal is so infuriated by Ruuel's refusal to fight him. And then I was nervous because Ruuel stopped, and came back toward me.

I didn't try and throw snowballs – I knew he'd dodge easily – just lay there and tried not to be too wide-eyed as stood directly above me, giving me an incredibly foreshortened view of leg and his face. He certainly wasn't smiling that time. My heartbeat went through the roof because it wasn't the efficient squad captain looking down at me, but the person I'd glimpsed during his fight with Kajal, arrogant and annoyed. For that moment he was entirely himself with me.


Then he dropped a snowball directly on my face and walked off while I gasped and choked. But I had to laugh, and said: "Guess so!" as he walked away. I enjoy the oddest things.

After I'd had my nap, Maze told me that I'll be heading back to Tare tomorrow. First and Second Squad's coming with me, and Mara's going to be whipping me into shape, and Zee overseeing my Sight and projection training. I don't know if Ruuel recommended the change of trainers, or if it's just they want the Sights squads here on Muina.

I'm in an accepting kind of mood about it all, like I'm starting to be able to let him go.

Saturday, June 28

Fly-over

I spent a nice relaxed morning with Zan and Dess building a snowman and then constructing some snow armchairs and making amateurish snow sculptures. Telekinetics are definitely very handy to have when you're trying to shift a lot of snow about. Zan's got a real flair for sculpture, too, and I was pleased that indulging me gave her a chance to do something she obviously enjoyed. Twelfth is going to remain assigned to Muina until further notice – their injuries don't prevent even Kiste from fighting, and they should be fine so long as they're not facing large numbers of Ionoth. And, thanks to the strength of her Telekinetic talent, Zan's got a lot of construction work in her near future.

We're on the Litara heading back now, having narrowly avoided a bunch of civilians who were off-loaded at Pandora for an overnight visit along with, so far as I could tell, the fittings they'll be using in the new building that's been going up. It's the first time KOTIS has allowed anyone on Muina who was there just to look and exclaim: a one-off PR exercise for a bunch of VIPs, reporters, and contest winners come to 'experience the home world'. There'll be another group from Kolar in a few days, and no more for a while. Pandora's getting larger every day, but KOTIS is very reluctant to spend resources on tourists. Maze said there's a massive disagreement over the question of settling instead of exploring, mainly because of the Ddura. He doesn't want families, kids, here, but there's an argument that Muina might soon be the safest place on any of the planets.

I hadn't known any of this when watching the Litara settling on the lake. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have stayed sitting outside when the shuttle went past on its way to the amphitheatre. KOTIS personnel don't as a rule point at you and wave. Fortunately Maze came down and collected me before any of them were finished at the platform. I don't think much of a career as a zoo exhibit.

It's very weird to me that I think of people as 'civilians'.

Snug

So nice to be back in my own rooms. So nice not to have two people making sure they're always within twenty feet of me.

Ghost showed up within half an hour of me being back, purring like mad. She missed me, or whatever my enhancement does for her.

It made me wonder about Muina v Tare in terms of 'home'. I guess Muina would be as much home as here if I had my own quarters, not a glorified medical monitoring facility. Given the choice I'd probably live on Muina, just because there's so much more outside, but I'm feeling very comfy and settled here, curled into my window seat with Ghost purring on my lap.

First and Second Squad are reverting to 'nightmare watch' instead of babysitting, which is fine with me, especially since I'm not having too much trouble at the moment with my dreams. I think the manifestation part of me is still recovering. Tomorrow everyone has a day off, then I'm back on training.

Sunday, June 29

Nice means precise

The Ruuel-not-there sensation has come back, but otherwise non-eventful dreaming. I spent a long time in the bath this morning, looking at my legs and being amazed at how ugly they are, and thinking back over the fifteen seconds or so that it took me to get them in this condition.

It's really hard to go there. Waking like that scared the hell out of me, and it also hurt worse than anything else I've managed to do to myself. But waking aware of Ruuel's absence really brought it back to me. If I'd been less freaked out, I'd think about that night all the time, since I spent who knows how long with my arms in a death-lock around his waist and my face pressed into his stomach. He kept one hand on my shoulder and the other on the back of my head, and didn't even wipe the blood off his face until Mara came and he got me to clutch her instead. And it's only from looking at the log later that I know that he was grey-faced and sweating, battered by the raw terror I was blasting.

Even if it was just because I'm his assignment, I'll always remember him doing that. And saying my name correctly. I have this increasing collection of special memories of things he's done, including dropping a snowball on my face, but my accepting attitude seems to be holding. My crush makes his job harder, a job which could easily get him killed, and I think seeing that has given me the impetus I needed to step back.

I also caught up on the latest episode of The Hidden War. It was the confrontation scene, where Lenton discovered Zan wasting her time giving me baby-level training, and all the squads are introduced to me. Looks like Maze didn't put a word-for-word log of the explanation of my lab rat, which only meant the scriptwriters happily made up a scene where Lastier was quite directly insulting. There was also a scene which I wasn't present for, where he was being very smug and superior and insulting to the other squad captains, but also brilliantly competent and incisive.

I wonder if that PR person had a thing about Ruuel, or it was just script decisions which are making them put the knife in. Lastier is close enough to be recognisable, but terribly distorted.

Monday, June 30

Irresolution

Just physical training today, and that mainly in the weights room, since my legs aren't quite up to training which involves impact, and Mara says I need to work on upper body strength anyway. A couple of squads (Eighth, Tenth) passed through during the two long sessions we had, making me feel terribly self-conscious about my scars, since we were in the shorts and singlet arrangement. They were very good about not staring though. The rest of First Squad came and joined us for the session after lunch and demonstrated how much of a wimp I am. By the time Mara was done with me I was a limp noodle.

She's booked me in for swimming tomorrow morning, which I'm allowed to do alone so long as I don't dive and are feeling up to it. Tomorrow afternoon after they're back from rotation, Zee will be resuming my Sights and other-weird-things-Cass-does training. If, that is, I can actually move tomorrow.

There's a new news frenzy sparked by all the 'tourists' who've returned from Muina. Interviews with KOTIS staff and the contest winners and lots of shots of what Pandora looks like right now and tours of the buildings there and talk about making Pandora self-supporting. And KOTIS used their visit to officially release not only news and images of Kalasa, but to take a select few there and to explain the use of the platforms (although not, as yet, exactly how you get to be able to use the platforms). Other than a lot of extreme impatience at the time-frame of more civilians being able to go there, it's all been pretty joyous and exuberant news.

They've named the settlement at Kalasa 'Kaszandra', which is something I find uncomfortable and highly ironic, given the 'inescapable doom' aspects of my name. And of course the reporters managed to get hold of a whole bunch of anonymous gossip about me while they were talking to people at Pandora, and there's images of the snowmen and snowchairs Zan, Dess and I had built. And someone told them I'd been injured (mysteriously), and about how protective the Setari were of me (devoted) and whole bunches of embarrassing stuff which is very much not about me at all, but this little mythos which is being built up around me (wise beyond her years). No-one mentions the amount of sulking I get through.


I wonder if Tare has an equivalent of the tall poppy syndrome, and after all these unlikely stories about me being brave and wonderful they'll recast me for the feet of clay role. It's not that I don't think they should probably be glad I showed up and unlocked their world, but I hate this increasing tendency to build me up into something I'm not: improbably virtuous and clever and brave. The life I'm living is amazing, and I'm not unaware that I've caused a massive change to happen – I did name the settlement Pandora for that exact reason – but they've all tended to be things that have just happened while I was stumbling about trying not to die. And when I re-read my diaries I just sound increasingly whiney and edging toward certified nutjob. I've spent the last few months falling apart and moaning about it.

I was really glad for Mara's training today, because there's no hint of 'fragile little half-insane princess must be placated' when she makes me do an extra ten repetitions. I'm going to go along with that attitude, and throw myself back into my rather neglected schoolwork, and that animal identification assignment. Every month that's gone by since I was rescued, I seem to have become less stable and lost more privacy. Yeah, I've had good reasons for freaking out, and a lot of the guarding has been necessary. But I don't like myself this way, and I'm looking to change how I've been behaving. To take comfort from the people trying to support me, but to get back to standing on my own two feet.