Information overload, too much, too soon—yet again. I strode past the bed and started to exit the room. Paine stopped me with a hand on my arm.
“You can’t hold on to the past. Your life is here, now. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin to let go of your grief. Trust me on this.”
I shrugged from his hold and attempted to step past him when he blocked my escape. I looked him in the eye, no longer afraid or guilty but furious.
“What is it that you want from me?”
“What I’ve always wanted.” His lips formed a rigid line and his eyes narrowed. “There’s something you should know, something I would have eventually told you.” At my questioning look he continued, “I was going to leave. The moment the mark was established between us, it was too much for me. I planned to tell Gabriel and the family, but you were gone before I had the chance to tell you how I felt. My feelings for you were undeniable, even then. I knew they would only grow over time.”
Memories of the past surfaced, of the way things changed with Paine following my near expiration date. He was always close, always touching me in ways that were never uncomfortable but always noticeable, on the rare occasion we bumped into one another. I’d thought it was because he was grateful to be able to reach out to someone else. Now I knew it was something else altogether.
“You would have left?” The pain I experienced at the knowledge was more than I expected. If I did what I planned, it would do more than change the future—it would change everything between us.
“Seeing you with Gabriel…him having what I wanted.” He ran his hands up and down my arm. “I’ve never coveted what belonged to another. I had no idea how powerful the temptation could be. It was too painful.”
I wanted to say so much, to comfort him, to give him what he needed, but I couldn’t. Instead, I rose on my toes, pressed a quick kiss to his lips, and turned to leave the room. He didn’t allow that, bringing me into his arms and kissing me in the manner of a dying man. Using my free arm, I touched his cheek, fingers whispering along his skin, giving him what he needed.
When he would have moved to take things further, I pulled away and cupped his jaw. “I would never have wanted you to leave. Not over me. We all needed you—I needed you. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”
“You never told me you needed me.” His voice lowered an octave. “You never even indicated it.”
No, I hadn’t, but I would.
If things worked as I hoped, if I was given the chance, I would make sure he was aware of how special he was. How important. God knows I knew how it felt to be alone, apart from everyone and everything around me. Paine and I shared that in a lot of ways, which was probably why I was beginning to relate to him on an entirely different level.
“We still have a lot to discuss. I’ve managed to strike a deal to sever your debt. I’m thinking it might be a good idea to do a trade off with a demon—like Gabriel did. If I can work it right, none of us will carry the burden of the debt.”
Baffled, I murmured, “You can do that?”
He smiled thinly. “If the tradeoff is worth it, I can.”
“My debt in the place of another?”
He didn’t meet my eyes. “Something like that. If everything goes as planned. We wanted to initiate the summoning tonight, since time is so short.”
“That makes sense.” I nodded, though I was consumed by panic. If I ended my debt to Zagan now, could I still reverse the events of the past?
Paine obliterated any such thoughts when he brushed his lips across my brow. “Go take your shower. We can talk when you’re finished.”