I spied on my friends that night, and I still hate myself for it. I’m glad I refused to entangle her in the mess then, and I won’t do it now. “I’ve already told you all I’m willing to say on that subject.”
She expels a heavy breath. “You asked me to trust you, and now I’m asking you to trust me with the truth. Why?”
The need to give her what she wants redoubles. I resist.
“You told me you wanted me to stay away from Gavin,” she says, “and yet you have been the one to stay away from me. Why?”
At the sound of his name, my rage returns, and it is far stronger than my need. Gavin and Ali. Ali and Gavin. A couple. In love. Holding each other. Kissing each other. Touching each other. A growl brews inside my chest.
Ali bangs her fist against the mattress. “What we just saw in the vision—”
“Will happen,” I shout. The words burst from me. I can’t stop them. “You know it will. It always does.”
“Maybe it doesn’t mean what we think it means.”
I want to hope. “What do you think it means?”
“I...don’t know. What do you think it means?”
But hope is my enemy. Because I don’t think anything. I know.
Cut her loose, or hang on until the bitter end. Let the wound begin to heal, or let it fester.
Choose.
“I think it means...” A crushing pain throbs in my chest. One I’ve never before experienced. My heart pounds against my ribs in an effort to escape it. I bite back the words that will be final nails in the coffin of our relationship, but it does no good. “We’re over.”
She flinches as if she’s been struck. “No.” She shakes her head. “No.”
My instincts scream in agreement. No! I almost drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me for even suggesting such a thing.
The pain in my chest intensifies.
Who the hell am I? I’m supposed to be immovable. When I make a decision, nothing changes my mind. I’m supposed to be invincible. Zombies cannot hurt me, and yet this girl is killing me.
I’m helpless all over again. I hate it, hate myself. Even hate her a little. “Okay, let me rephrase. I know it means we’re over.” Every word is a dagger, cutting at me, but still I continue. “We have to be. I’ve almost lost you twice, and I’m going to lose you for good when the visions start coming true. I’m not going to hang on to a lost cause, Ali.”
Panic radiates from her. “I’m not a lost cause. We’re not a lost cause. I don’t like Gavin.”
I want to believe her. She is everything to me. A reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to fight for a safer world. A reason to breathe. If I do this, if I walk away from her, I will never be the same.
“But you will,” I say.
“Don’t do this. Please. You have to trust me. Please. There are some things you can never take back, and this is one of them.”
Damn it, I know! Does she think this is easy for me? That I’m made of stone?
Before I realize I’ve taken a step, I’m across the room, slamming my fist into the wall. Dust plumes the air, almost choking me, as the skin covering my knuckles splits. Bones crack and blood wells. It hurts.
I’m glad. I prefer this pain to the other one.
Very gently, she says, “I’m not going to look at Gavin and suddenly start wanting him. You’re the one for me. And this isn’t like you. You never back down. You never walk away from a fight.”
Exactly. Right now I’m fighting for my life. I’m the one trapped in the bottomless ocean, and I can’t escape.
I press my forehead into the damaged wall.
“Cole,” she whispers. “Do you want Veronica?”
“No. Not even a little.”
“See!”
“Ali, I...” Want to make this work. Will do anything to make it work.
I straighten and face her. Deep down I know “anything” will not be good enough, and that hurts almost as much as this end. “Our feelings right now aren’t the problem. One day I hope you’ll forgive me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.” If I could press rewind on our lives and go back to before the visions, I would. I would stay with her, never let her go, the two of us lost together. I would be happy. Now I’m certain I will never be happy again. “But...we’re done.”
“Cole.”
“We’re done,” I force myself to repeat. For her. For me. We both need to hear it. I back away from her, needing distance but hating it, too. “We’re done.”
Her eyes glass over, as if she’s fighting tears. “I won’t come crawling after you.”
Do it. Come after me, part of me shouts. Don’t ever let me go. “I don’t want you to.” The other part of me is self-preservation, and after all these years of battle, it’s strong.
“I won’t take you back even if you come crawling back to me.”