“And I used to see Anna walkin’ down the sidewalk when I drove through town. That shit happens in one way or another to everyone who loses someone. It’ll pass.”
Well, even though it made me sad he used to see Anna still, that was a relief. I thought I was going crazy.
Nevertheless, I persevered, “I’m messed up.”
“You’re cute.”
“Trust me, Max, you may think it’s cute now but it’ll get not so cute.”
“What’s not so cute is Harry tellin’ you to your face he’d do you, he was drunk or not, but that’s between me and Harry.”
“What?”
He ignored my question and stated, “But the rest is you, babe, and you need to trust me, it’s cute.”
“You deserve better,” I reminded him.
“You repeatin’ that means you haven’t been payin’ attention,” he informed me.
“I’m sorry?”
His hand moved back to cup my face, his thumb moving over my bottom lip and he spoke while he was doing this. “Harry didn’t lie, I fucked around. After Anna there were a lot of women. After all of them, and there were some good ones, babe, but not even one sparked anything in me, nothin’, after all of them, what do you think it says I choose you?”
Oh my God.
My entire system went still from the inside out because I had to admit, he had a very valid point.
“I lucked out, baby,” Max went on. “When I was young life handed me somethin’ beautiful. Then it took it away. Ten years down the road, somethin’ different, but no less beautiful, showed up right at my front door. I knew it almost the minute I saw it and nothin’ has happened since to shake that. You think, findin’ that in you, I’m gonna let you change my password, write me some fucked up note and walk away?”
“But you were right this morning, I should have known what you were going through this week and I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”
“No, babe, I was pissed this morning and, in case you haven’t noticed, when I get pissed, I mouth off and say shit I shouldn’t say. What you gotta learn to do is call me on it, give me the attitude you serve up to everyone else like you did the other night when I was outta line.”
“Max –”
“Or, at least, learn to control your wild hairs and let me burn it out and then call me on it.”
“Max –”
His face got close, so close I could feel his breath on my lips as he said, “It kills me to say this, babe, the guilt burns so bad but, this week, I couldn’t help but think about what life would be like with you and the ways it would be better than what I had with Anna. And knowin’ you throw beer bottles and give back as good as you get, I like it, Duchess, that passion. It’s in everything you do and, swear to Christ, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that beautiful. Anna loved life but, honey, when you forget to let those little fears you got cobble you, fuck, you devour it. It’s unbelievably amazing, awesome to witness. That passion makes you look at Cotton’s pictures like you’re experiencing bliss. And it makes you fight Kami’s corner when she’s been nothin’ but a bitch to you and fight it like you’ll go down with her and so will the whole of Western civilization. And, Duchess, other people think it’s beautiful too, it draws them to you, makin’ friends outta folks like Arlene and your cabin neighbors Norm and Phyllis –”
“Gladys,” I corrected him.
He grinned, his thumb caught on my lower lip and he muttered, “Whatever.”
Then he stopped talking apparently thinking his final point was made.
I stared at him and I did this for a long time. And I came to the conclusion that Max didn’t need to say any more.
His final point was made.
And I realized, very late, that he didn’t even have to talk to make it. He’d made his point hours earlier by showing up to take me “home”.
Though I decided not to share this with him. What I did decide was we had to talk about one more thing.
So I called, “Max?”
“Right here, honey.”
Yes, he was, right there, with me, in a cabin, by a river, fifty miles away from his house.
I closed my eyes then opened them and admitted, “You scare me.”
“You told me that before.”
“I have?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“When?”
“That first night I fucked you.”
Oh yes, right, I was half asleep, I forgot about that. Of course, Max didn’t since he obviously had the memory of an elephant which, I figured, did not bode well for me.
He was still grinning, likely reading my thoughts on my face (which, I should add, also didn’t bode well for me) and his thumb went back over my lip before I asked, “What if this goes bad?”
“Like I said then, I can’t give you any promises but we’ll do the best we can.”
“Is that enough for you?”
He stared at me then he burst out laughing, collapsing on top of me for a second before his arms went around me and he rolled carefully, taking me with him until he was on his back and I was partly on top of him, partly pressed to his side.