As I drove away, I refused to look in the rear-view mirror. I had an almost superstitious belief that if I looked, Sebastian would appear. Cowardly to the last, it seemed.
I was ridiculously grateful to find an out-of-town mall with a drugstore sign in cheerful neon, the ‘Good Morning Pharmacy’. Not for me.
The woman serving was sympathetic until she happened to see my wedding ring; then the shutters of disapproval came crashing down and I slunk out, clasping my paper bag.
I hunted for a coffee shop and sat hunched in the corner to order a double espresso and a glass of water.
The Plan B Emergency Contraceptive packaging scolded:
‘Side effects may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache and dizziness.’
I don’t care! Just don’t let me be pregnant!
I swallowed the pill quickly, then tore up the packaging into postage stamp-sized pieces. My hands were shaking as I sipped the espresso. I probably looked like another caffeine hound after my fix.
I had to find a way to channel the flurry of half-formed thoughts that gushed through me. Eventually I pulled out my notepad, trying to make sense of the scrawled words and phrases. Working slowly and carefully, I started to plan my article. It felt important, somehow, that of the complete fuck-up I’d made of my life, that I do this one thing well.
I realized I’d been working for over an hour when the irritated waitress asked me if I wanted anything else.
Yes, a life! Oddly enough, that’s not something waitresses served up on a regular basis. I removed myself from her baleful gaze, leaving a larger than deserved tip. Coward.
I hid in my car and wondered what to do next. If I went home I knew Sebastian would be waiting for me. I didn’t know what to say and I was afraid of how much more damage I’d done.
“Are you alright, miss?”
A worried looking man in a Padres baseball cap knocked on my car window, making me jump.
I wound the window down halfway.
“Oh, thank you. I’m fine, really.”
“Waal, you were sitting there for so long I was starting to get worried. You sure you’re okay?”
What was it about the kindness of strangers that made me want to weep?
“I’ve just got a few things on my mind, but I’ll be okay. Thank you for your concern. That was very sweet of you.”
He nodded, smiled uncertainly and ambled off.
The car engine started with a roar, and I was soothed by the familiar grating sound the gear shift made as I reversed out of the parking space. I drove without a destination, idly wondering what problems troubled other drivers locked in their glass and metal worlds, individual and isolated. Were they pondering the meaning of life, itemizing shopping lists in their heads, or simply idling in traffic, minds full of happy non-thoughts?
The June gloom of early morning had given way to hazy sunshine as I found myself driving along a quiet stretch of Pacific coast. It seemed as good a place as any to brood. The air was mild and a light breeze stirred the stubby grass that tried to maintain a foothold among the dunes.
I kicked off my sandals and felt the fine grit beneath my toes. My thoughts turned inwards as I wrapped my arms around my knees and gazed out towards the ocean. Had I reached a turning point in my life, or was this merely a blip on a long and bleak horizon? Was leaping from a failed relationship to a doomed one the most sensible action for a woman of thirty? Rationally: no. But the feel of Sebastian’s body against mine, inside mine; his sweetness, his gentleness... Could I really say that meant nothing? Were those feelings so abundant in my life that I could count them worthless?
The only real love I’d known in my life had been from my dear, chaotic father. Sebastian hadn’t even had that. He was hungry for love.