For the first time in my life, my body craved touch. But, my past wouldn’t allow me to lower the wall between us—the wall that kept me at a safe distance from everyone, including the one who made me feel safest of all.
I tried to sleep, but I knew it would bring with it dreams of Jake’s beautiful face, his calloused hands, his soft lips, the way the harsh lines of his face softened when he laughed. I knew most of all I would dream about his eyes. Those sapphire pools had woken me up and reminded me of what it was like to feel—just feel, something, anything. Everything. Jake had broken through all my numbness and reminded me that I was okay, just as I was, and that I was human after all.
Damaged, but human. Just like him.
I realized then, even though I’d only known him a very short time, I loved him. I loved all of him, the good and the bad, the light and the dark.
I promised myself that when—if—he came back, I would lay all my cards on the table. I would show him the Abby I’d been hiding. It was possible that he’d run. He might be disgusted with me by that point, but I was always going to be me, flaws and all. Holding onto my secrets for the sake of a few more days with someone I know I didn’t deserve anyway suddenly felt overwhelmingly selfish.
It was time.
Ready or not.
Definitely not...but whatever.
I was in love with the angel and in lust with the devil. If I were honest with myself, I’d have to say that I was in love with the devil, too.
The bedroom door slowly creaked open. Jake’s massive shadow covered the shadowed teeth on the wall as he moved toward the bed. He was wearing his black sweats and a black wife-beater. He paused and looked me over from head to toe before crawling onto the bed beside me. He pulled me into his arms, drawing my back against his hard chest. He softly kissed the back of my head and sighed into my hair.
I sighed, too. From relief. “You came back.”
He used his fingers to make circles along my naked thigh. I tensed, aware now that I was wearing only panties, and we were on top of the covers. I checked to make sure my shirt was in place. Thankfully, it was.
“I didn’t leave. I just took a walk to cool off.” His voice was tired and raw. “I promise I will always come back to you. Always.” He lifted my hair off my neck and kissed my bare shoulder. “It’s time for you to share your final secret with me, Abby.”
“Now?” I didn’t know if I could.
“Yes, now.” It was a demand, but a gentle one. “It’s the only thing left between us. I’m not going to push you for anything but your words. The rest is up to you.”
Words.
They’d sat heavy on my tongue for almost nine years. They’d never gone any further than that. It was time. I knew it was. I wanted to be unburdened of it now, and I let that feeling lead the way. It felt right to have Jake know all of me.
I was as unsure of his reaction as I was of myself.
Darkness quickly freed me of my fear.
The words surprised me when they started to flow out of my mouth and into the shadows. I closed my eyes as I told him about the last night I’d spent in my mother’s house before I was put in foster care. He listened as I told him how I’d eaten the neighbor’s dog’s food, though only when I’d been hungry enough not to think about feeling bad for stealing it from the dog. I even told him about running from the constant open-door orgies and endless parade of vile “aunts” and “uncles” who came and went with the same frequency as their highs and jail sentences.
I described in detail how I’d used the shard of mirror to stab the man in the eye who’d come into my room. “I might have killed him... there was so much blood.” My eyes spilled with hot tears, but I wiped at them before they had a chance to fall. “I asked the social worker who picked me up if he was dead. I don’t think they tell nine-year-olds if they’ve killed someone, though.”
Jake was quiet as he listened, but he continued to trace around my upper thigh with his fingers, blazing a trail of fire on my skin everywhere he touched. But, it wasn’t like the fire of a few weeks ago.
This fire was built out of want, not fear.
“That’s not all.” I braced myself as I began to tell him the rest.
Suddenly, I am nine again. I am naked and crouching in the field. The winds have died down, and now, it’s just the cold rain pummeling my skin.
I am free. I am free of the jail I never committed any crime to be in.
The home that held me prison would soon be a memory. I will work my way through starvation. I will never eat dog food again. I will find a family who will love me.
I am still worth loving.
A strong hand is on my arm, hoisting me up from the ground. A bitter voice in my ear: “Now you’re really going to find out what happens to bad girls, you little shit.”