“Why would you feel guilty? He was molesting you as you were passed the fuck out.”
“Because I liked it,” I whispered. “While I was dreaming, before I realized it was him touching me.”
Jake’s jaw clenched, then relaxed. I could tell he thought hard about what to say next. “It’s okay to like being touched.” He intertwined his fingers with mine.
“Not for me it isn’t. I mean, I liked how I felt when I woke up, but mostly because at the end of my dream I saw your face and…” I hesitated before telling him the rest. “…I imagined it was you making me feel that way.”
Jake looked puzzled. “You were imagining it was me?”
I wanted to lay it all out for him. I was tired of tiptoeing around my physical feelings for him. “Jake, the only person I’ve ever been physically attracted to, the only person I’ve ever wanted to ever touch me at all, and especially the only person I’ve ever wanted more from is you.”
Jake still didn’t know everything about me. I wanted to tell him all of it and just rip it off like a bandage, but wanting to and being able to were so far apart. I wanted him to help me heal, and for him to heal with me.
I wanted to take on his pain because he’d taken mine so completely.
I had let him into my life, into my secrets and my wounds, but the thought of letting him into my body still panicked me. I wanted him, so very much. I wanted his mouth on me and his hands on my body, and I wanted to feel what it would be like to lay skin to skin with him. I wanted him more than I wanted to breathe.
It wasn’t a question of what I wanted. It was a question of what I was capable of.
As if he’d read my mind, Jake grabbed the back of my neck and connected my lips to his. His lips were soft, but his kiss wasn’t. It was demanding. He pressed harder, asking for more. His lips a perfect mix of hard and soft. He opened to me, deepening the kiss, his tongue finding its way into my mouth as I pushed my hands into his hair.
I wanted this with him. I wanted him to kiss away the past and fill me with only new and amazing memories. Our breathing became labored, and for just a moment, I thought I could really give myself to him in every way.
It was only when he reached around to my waist and pulled me across his lap so my legs were straddling him that my chest constricted.
I could feel the blood rushing from my face, my palms started to sweat. My breath was still ragged, but I couldn’t pull enough of it into my lungs. A type of dizziness started to take over.
I had to get out of there. So I did what was most familiar to me.
I ran.
In a flash, I had untangled my legs from around him and hopped off his lap, running to the bedroom and slamming the door behind me. I dove into the bed and buried my face in the pillows, trying to catch my breath.
Jake didn’t come in after me. Instead, I heard the front door slam.
He left me.
Why can’t I just be normal?
Jake was capable of sharing with me his deepest, darkest shit, and I couldn’t just forget that I was a freak for a few minutes and let us enjoy one another. All I wanted was him, his touch, his kiss—his everything. But I had no clue how to get around the barriers I had created for myself.
I was so afraid that, just as it seemed like we’d been getting it all together, I had gone and torn it all apart.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE CEILING FAN CLICKED AND ROCKED as it spun around and around. With each wobbly rotation, the chain danced and jingled. The pale light of the moon shone through the open window, casting the shadow of a palm tree onto one of the bare walls of Jake’s room. Its umbrella-like leaves looked like long teeth, rocking in unison with the fan.
The air was thick and hot around me. My long sleeved shirt clung to my skin like a wet paper towel. Moisture beaded on my forehead. I felt almost feverish. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Trying to find some relief, I kicked off the sheets and pulled off my pajama pants, tossing them to the floor. I laid back down on top of the damp sheets in only my long sleeved shirt and panties. The air from the fan felt cool on my wet skin, licking the length of my bare legs. My nipples were already aching. Now, they became painfully hard.
It had been hours since Jake left.
It was going to be a long, long night.
Had my crazy pushed him away so soon? He was supposed to be leaving in only a few hours. Maybe, he’d already left without saying good-bye.
I had sprung from Jake’s lap like he’d repulsed me when the truth was just the opposite. My body was more alert and alive with him then it had ever been. I could still feel it, too.
I was about to scratch my tingling skin right off my bones.
My fear, my body, and my aversion to sex needed to get together and figure their shit out.