chapter Eleven
“We haven’t decided where we’re going on Friday yet, have we?”
Dex glanced up from his cappuccino to see Chase, Jude and Koru looking at him, and realised they were talking about his stag night.
“Earth to Concannon,” Jude said. “Stop daydreaming about your bride-to-be and focus, for crying out loud.”
Dex shifted in his chair, guilt sweeping over him. He’d been thinking about Cathryn, not Honey, going over that awful moment again where he’d given into the kiss, wishing he could erase it from his memory, from existence in fact. “I thought we were going for a curry,” he said, somewhat irritably, wishing all he had to worry about was how drunk he was going to be at the altar on Saturday. “And then to the Sports Bar for the match.”
“Just checking,” Chase said. “You murmured something about not going last week, although we all presumed that was lack of sleep talking or something. We knew you weren’t serious.”
“I was serious,” Dex mumbled, but they ignored him and started talking about strippers.
Dex didn’t reply, knowing it was all talk as he’d made it quite clear he’d walk out if a stripper walked in. Not his scene at all.
No, his scene was kissing his ex-girlfriend in broad daylight in full view of State Highway Ten.
He resisted the urge to bang his head on the table and glanced across the café, half-wishing Honey was serving there today, half-glad she wasn’t. Instead Belle—the twin with long brown hair and sad brown eyes—was making the pastries, Lily was making coffee, and Cam was serving. Missy and Jasmine were in the kitchen, baking.
Dex caught Cam’s eye by mistake, and his father-in-law-to-be smiled. Dex smiled back, his gut twisting. He shouldn’t have come to Matariki, but Jude had called in at the station to ask if he wanted to grab some lunch and had refused to take no for an answer, and before he’d known it they were at the Summers’ café. True, it served the best coffee in Kerikeri—and probably in the whole of the Northland. But he wished they’d gone somewhere else today.
But then that was his guilty conscience talking. What he’d done wasn’t going to go away, so he had to get used to being around the Summers’ family with the memory of his transgression hanging above his head like a fluorescent arrow that he was afraid they’d only have to look up to see.
He took a large swallow of his cappuccino, nearly scalding his mouth in the process. But he welcomed the pain. It was only what he deserved.
Cam approached the table, carrying a plate of oatmeal and raisin cookies. “On the house,” he said, placing them in front of the guys with a smile.
“Thanks, Cam.” Jude, Chase and Koru had all had huge lunches, but they tucked in anyway.
Dex took one, but it sat on the side of his saucer, untouched. Cam’s generosity made it worse. He felt as if he’d betrayed the whole family and her friends, not just Honey.
“Can’t believe you’re getting married on Saturday,” Jude said to Dex through a mouthful of cookie. He looked at Chase. “Think you’ll ever get married?”
It was an unusual topic of conversation for the guys. They usually talked about rugby, fishing, surfing, X-Box games, sci-fi and fantasy books if Chase needed inspiration, or occasionally politics if they were in a serious or argumentative mood. When talking about women, they were more likely to talk about their top five actresses than real girls. And weddings…well, that was a taboo subject they trod around carefully like an unexploded bomb.
Things were changing, though, thought Dex—they were all heading toward thirty at a rate of knots, and several of the other guys they played rugby with were married, and a couple even had kids on the way. There was a point when being young, free and single turned into sad and lonely, and although he didn’t think any of them had hit that point yet, he knew it would happen, and probably to Chase first, bearing in mind how he felt about Daisy.
Chase examined his coffee mug. “I don’t know. I thought about it, with Daisy, but we never discussed it.”
“Anyone else on the scene?” Jude asked.
Chase shook his head and smiled. “I haven’t entirely given up hope on her yet.”
Koru took a large bite from another cookie. “You need to get a move on then. My betting’s Reuben will propose before the end of the year.”
Chase looked startled. “F*ck. That soon?”
“Yeah.”
“He loves her that much?”
Koru tipped his head. “He knows he stands a chance of keeping her if she marries him.”
Chase digested that along with his mouthful of cookie. “You think she’s getting cold feet?”
Koru shrugged. “Who knows what goes on in Daisy’s head? She wanted the lifestyle and she likes the money. But she misses it here—I know she does. More than she thought.” He met Chase’s eyes. Koru didn’t say anything, but Dex heard the unspoken comment—she misses you too, Chase.
Koru looked at Jude. “What about you?”
Jude thought about it. “If I met the right girl, I wouldn’t say no.”
Dex had often wondered if Jude would hook up with one of the sisters, but so far he hadn’t shown any signs of favouring one over the other, and like Koru he never seemed short of a girl on his arm.
“I can’t see the point,” Koru said. “Tying yourself to one girl? Where’s the joy in that?”
They all chuckled. “Just wait until you find her,” Chase said. “You’ll be eating your words then.”
“Yeah, yeah. Where’s the fun in forever? Watching each other grow old, growing bored. The same old sex in the same old positions. No secrets, no excitement. No fun! No thanks.”
“It’s different when you love someone,” Chase persisted. “Love’s about feeling comfortable with someone, feeling safe and secure.”
Koru faked a yawn and they all laughed wryly. “The thing is,” Koru said, “it’s unlikely that I’ll meet one girl who satisfies everything I want in a mate.”
“I thought Becca was going to be the one,” Chase said.
“She was okay. Nice enough. But…I dunno. Forever? The thought scared me shitless. She was, you know, good in bed and that, but we didn’t really have anything in common. What are the chances of me finding a girl who likes the kind of things I like, and who’s good in the sack?”
“They are out there,” Chase said, “but the point is that when you meet the one who sets you alight, it doesn’t matter if they don’t know one end of the kitchen from the other or don’t know every trick in the book in bed. You show them, for a start! And you just enjoy being together.”
They all stared at him, then started laughing. “You going to write romances now?” Jude teased.
“You wait,” Chase said, disgruntled. “Fifty bucks says we’re all sitting here in five years’ time, married and with kids on the way, eating our words.”
Dex smiled and finished off his coffee. “I’ve got to go. Thanks for lunch.”
“See you, Dex.”
He left them talking and laughing, waved goodbye to Cam and walked slowly back toward the station.
Would he be sitting there with them in five years’ time? Married, and Honey with little ones around her, maybe pregnant again?
His heart felt hollow, his spirits low. He couldn’t see it. Cathryn’s presence and the shadow of his past hung over him, eclipsing the bright sun of his future. He had to do something or he was going to go mad. He couldn’t talk to anyone about it. But he had to make sure she was gone and wasn’t coming back.
He entered the station, sat beside his desk and began to try and work out a plan for finding out who her cousin was and where she was staying. But then the local supermarket rang saying they’d caught a pair of young shoplifters—in school uniform, for heaven’s sake—and he had to pick them up, take them back to school and call their parents. After that there was a burglary at Waipapa to sort out, and then the news came through of a pile-up on the road to Kaeo. Five cars were involved, there’d been some major injuries and the road was blocked. So he drove up there and spent several hours directing traffic, taking statements and calming those involved. He didn’t return to the office, so there was no further time to find out anything about Cathryn.
He finally got home to the house he shared with Jude just after seven. Jude was out, and he seemed to remember him saying something about taking a girl to the cinema. Dex walked into the living room and threw his keys on the table, slipped off his jacket and left it over a chair. Tiredly, he poured himself a whiskey, then walked to the large windows and studied the garden.
Next week, while he and Honey were on honeymoon, Jude was going to shift house. Chase and Koru had a spare room in the house they shared, and Jude would be staying there for a while. When Honey and Dex got back from honeymoon, she would be moving in with him. He owned the house—had saved enough for a deposit and bought it shortly after relocating to Kerikeri from Wellington. It wasn’t huge but it was comfortable, close to town, with a garden big enough for a swing and a slide, should children come along.
His fingers tightened on the whiskey glass. He felt as if he were looking at the future through fog. Nothing seemed clear anymore. It was only days to the wedding, but it seemed like an eternity. How was he going to cope until then? And could he really go through with it, with the knowledge of what he’d done hanging over his head?
He took out his mobile, flipped it open and brought up Honey’s mobile number, not wanting to call the house and have to speak to one of the sisters—or Cam—for half an hour.
Honey answered within a few rings.
“It’s me,” he said.
“Hey.” Her gentle voice soothed his frayed nerves. “Long time no speak.”
“Sorry, love. It’s been a really busy afternoon.”
“Problems?”
“There was a huge crash near Kaeo, amongst other things.”
“Oh no, any fatalities?”
“Luckily, no. But some serious injuries and it took an hour to get the road clear.” He lowered himself into one of the armchairs. “How are you? How’s the case going?”
“Okay. The defence lawyer finished today. Tomorrow it’s the prosecution’s turn, and then we make our decision Thursday, I think.”
His head throbbed and he rested the glass against his temple. “Is it still a difficult one?”
“Yes.” She didn’t elaborate. “So…what are you up to this evening?”
He hesitated. They hadn’t seen each other the day before, and up until then they’d got together most nights, unable to keep apart. He knew he should invite her over—she’d been talking about bringing some of her stuff to put in the spare room—and he could ask her to pick up fish and chips on the way. They’d eat it at the table, then curl up on the sofa and watch a DVD, have a cuddle and a kiss. It sounded blissful.
But he couldn’t do it.
“I’m really tired,” he said honestly. “If you don’t mind, I might have a shower then go to bed early.”
She went quiet.
“I’m just tired,” he said, panic rising within him that she’d sensed there was something wrong. “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“I wish you’d talk to me,” she whispered.
“I am talking to you.”
“Dex…”
“Please, love. I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep.”
“I was hoping we could go over some of the wedding stuff. The organiser keeps texting me with stupid things…”
“Can’t one of the girls help you?” he said irritably. The last thing he wanted to talk about was the colour of the serviettes and what font to use on the menus.
“Of course. It’s not a big problem. You go and get some rest.”
Immediately, guilt flooded him. “Honey…”
“It’s not a problem, Dex. Just…if you need to talk, I’m here, okay? I don’t like not seeing you. I miss you.”
He melted inside. “I know. I miss you too.”
“I love you.”
He swallowed. “I love you too.”
“See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
They hung up.
He took a long swig of the whiskey and let it sear down to his stomach, then laid his head on the back of the chair and looked up at the ceiling.
He missed her. He wanted her. But the guilt was eating him from the inside out, like a rat in his stomach, and he didn’t know how much longer he could go on like that.