Blinking my eyes a couple of times, I knew right away I was awake way too early. It was still quite dark out, and there weren’t even the sounds of any morning birds. There weren’t any horrible images left over in my brain from a nightmare, so I didn’t know the cause of my sudden wakefulness, which confused me. I didn’t usually wake up without a reason. I twisted my neck around a bit, stretching it out, and then tried to figure out what woke me up.
Raine was underneath me with her head tucked into my chest and her legs tangled up with one of mine. Both of my arms were around her, holding her securely around her shoulders. I rested my head on top of hers, nuzzling into her hair a little. I heard her take in a deep breath, causing my arm to rise slightly, then let it out slowly. She wasn’t asleep, so I started to untangle myself to roll off of her, but her fingers gripped my arm, holding me in place. I gazed down at her, even more confused. Usually if she woke up before me, it was because she needed to pee and wanted me off of her as soon as possible. It was still so early in the morning, though, and that wouldn’t fit her normal routine.
“What’s the matter, baby?” I whispered. I don’t know why the fuck I whispered – it wasn’t like someone else was going to hear me.
“Nothing,” she replied. She cleared her throat and looked away from me.
“Bullshit,” I said. I placed my hand under her chin and tilted her head back to look at me.
“It’s nothing, really,” she said again. I scowled at her, and she sighed. “It’s only…I just…I miss Lindsay!”
Raine broke out in tears and covered her face with her hands. I moved my arm up around the back of her neck and held her against my shoulder, wishing I could do something about it.
“I want…to go…home!” she sobbed between broken breaths.
Fuck.
“Aw, baby.” I wrapped my arms around her tighter and held her against my chest. It fucking hurt, seeing her like this and knowing there was nothing I could do to make it any better, especially when it came to something I didn’t want to see happen at all. I had no desire to go…well…anywhere else. I didn’t have a home to miss unless I wanted to entertain the idea of hauling it up from the bottom of the sea. I was also pretty sure trying to fit me into Raine’s idea of home was going to be problematic at best. This was not something I planned on discussing with her – I didn’t see the benefit of doing so.
“I’m tired of waking up here,” Raine went on. “I’m tired of eating the same food every day. I’m tired of my skin being dry and flakey from washing in salt water. I’m tired of wearing the same clothes every day. I’m tired of-of-of…everything!”
She was getting close to becoming hysterical, and the idea of slapping some sense into her crossed my mind but only very briefly. She shook, and she sobbed, and she screamed out her frustrations as I held on to her and tried to figure out what I could say that would make any difference. It’s not like I could tell her it was going to get any better because I had no idea if that was true. We could be found today or tomorrow or next year or never. I couldn’t offer her any false hope, not just because it wasn’t available, but because I was afraid if I managed to get the words out of my mouth at all, she would immediately know I didn’t want it to happen.
“Raine,” I whispered as I slid my arm up around her head and held her closer. I buried my face in her hair and inhaled, wishing I could offer her some sort of comfort but resigned to the fact that I could not. She continued to cry, and I continued to have nothing to say of any value for quite some time. Eventually, her crying subsided and she sniffed loudly.
“I want a fucking shower,” she growled.
I let out a short bark of a laugh. I didn’t really mean to, but as infrequently as Raine uttered a curse word, her timing choice was usually pretty fucking funny.
“I know, baby,” I said.
“Why am I so upset now?” she wailed. “It’s better here than on the raft, and I didn’t do this then.”
“Because you didn’t have the energy then,” I told her. “I think you usually let it build up in you until you fall apart, which drives me nuts, by the way. I wish I could do something to make it better.”
“You do.”
“Heh – right. I’m probably the cause of half your stress.”
“When you get upset, you just explode over and over again,” Raine said with a nod and a somewhat tearful giggle. “It makes you feel better, and you make me feel better.”
“I never feel like I can do anything to make you feel better,” I admitted.
“You hold me,” she said softly, her fingers tightening into my skin. “You keep me safe.”
“Anytime you want,” I said. I had to swallow hard to get past the lump in my throat. I didn’t know where it came from – probably just from watching her cry.