Twenty-Three
Dear Daddy
Two Weeks Later
“How are you feeling, Lily?” Dr. Connelly asked. “No more nightmares?”
“I’m feeling okay.” And I was. Better than okay actually. A smile ghosted across my face when I remembered the little handwritten note Cooper left for me after breakfast:
Have a good rest of the morning Precious. I’ll meet you at Dr. Connelly’s office this afternoon.
-C
P.S. I love you more than the tide loves the moon.
“And no. No more nightmares,” I said, realizing my smile still tickled the corner of my lips.
“You’ve come a long way since our first visit. A lot has happened. I’m happy with your progress. Are you still writing in the journal I gave you?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Did you bring it with you?”
“I did.”
“Remember I asked you to write a letter to your father. Would you mind reading me what you wrote?”
I pulled out my journal and opened it to the last entry. “Okay.”
Dear Daddy,
My therapist thought it would be good for me to write you a letter. Maybe she’s right, because I have so much I want to say to you. So, I’m supposed to write about my feelings and as I think of what to say to you first I must admit that I’ve been mad at you. I didn’t even realize it until now. But I have been. You left me alone and I wasn’t ready for you to go. I thought we would have more time together. You haven’t fulfilled all of your daddy obligations to me yet. You were supposed to be here with me so you could walk me down the aisle when I get married. Who’s going to do that now? And who’s going to play the part of grandfather to my children? You always told me how you were going to enjoy spoiling them. Who’s going to spoil them now? We talked about this, remember? We didn’t have a plan B. You weren’t supposed to leave yet. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
A lot of things weren’t supposed to happen but have. Or maybe they were supposed to happen exactly the way they did. Do you still believe in fate, Daddy? Do you believe everything in life happens for a reason? I’m trying to believe that it does. I would hate to know that all the tiny acts of randomness equal to nothing. I’m trying to believe that losing both of my parents is some big life lesson I’m supposed to learn. I’m trying to believe that there is a reason beyond our comprehension that would explain why Cooper had to suffer the loss of both of his parents too.
Speaking of Cooper, you remember him, Daddy? Of course you do. Cooper is not an easy person to forget. I’m sure there’s a lot you don’t forget about the first time you met him. And I’m sorry you had to meet him under those circumstances. I’m sorry for both of you. But I’m glad you two got to meet. Cooper really liked you a lot, Daddy. He told me he saw how much you loved me. I wish you could see how much I love him. And I do, Daddy. I love him so much. I understand how much you loved Mom now. And I’m glad that you can now be with her again. So, I’m not mad anymore. You are where you should be. And even though I’ll miss you every day, I’ll be all right. I have Cooper now.
Love,
Lily
P.S. Wait – Daddy? Did you send me Cooper? Was that you?
“Is that all of it?” Dr. Connelly asked, studying my face.
“Yes, that’s all of it.”
“I noticed you ended it with a question. Are you going to write him again?”
“I’ll wait for him to answer first.” I smiled as I closed my journal.
I heard Cooper behind me clearing his throat. “Sorry I’m late.”
Dr. Connelly’s eyes smiled as she watched him make his way over to me. “It’s quite all right. I think you got here just in time.”
“Cooper, I didn’t know you were here already. How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough.” He bent down to kiss me on top of my head. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” He leaned into my ear and whispered so only I could hear him, “I love you too, baby.”
Dr. Connelly waited for Cooper to settle in next to me on the couch and then asked, “So, the letter to your father, after reading it back to yourself do you notice anything? Are aware of anything, or feel anything after you’ve had a chance now to reflect on it? Sometimes we think or feel things differently than we did when we first wrote it.”
“To be honest, I didn’t really think about what I was saying when I wrote it. I am glad I wrote it though. I’ve missed talking to him.” I smiled to myself. “I feel good about it. And I do realize something now that I don’t think I realized then, but is it okay if I don’t elaborate? For now anyway?”
“It’s all right. I think your letter was expressive and you said what you needed to say. You can keep writing to him if you want to or need to. This is your journal and your therapy. Do what feels right. The point of this is to express your feelings and thoughts so you don’t keep them bottled up. I encourage you to keep and reread what you’ve written. You’ll be surprised what you find you knew that you didn’t realize you knew at the time.”
“Yes, ma’am. I will. Thank you. I really am doing better.”
“Good. I can see that you are. You’re a strong person, Lily. You fought your way back from death. I don’t think you really ever gave yourself enough credit for the amount of strength you possess. And not only are you strong, but you’re also very brave. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re a fighter.”