Nineteen
Every Moment
Cooper stood up and reached for my hand after making an attempt to dry his eyes. I’d never seen him cry and watching him now was ripping my heart out. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck. A quiet sob escaped from somewhere deep and I instinctually held him tighter because something told me he needed it. He needed to hold me and I needed for him to hold me. He needed to cry and I needed to let him. He pulled me closer and his sobs got louder. His entire body shook with the force of the pain that spilled from him. Tears were flowing freely from my eyes like a river, but these tears were for Cooper, not for me. These tears I cried now were for the hurt and agony that he felt. His deep, penetrating wounds were more painful than my own. His agony was my agony. His sorrow was my sorrow. His hurt was my hurt.
Dr. Connelly finally spoke after a long moment of silence. She closed the notebook that rested on her lap and sat up on the edge of her chair.
“Cooper,” she said soothing, “it’s good to finally let that out. It’s been a long time coming hasn’t it?”
He didn’t answer her, just continued to let it out in low, from the gut, convulsive weeps. I remained still, my legs trembling. I still my thoughts, still the urge to run. I wanted to run fast and far, but I remained still. I remained still because I chose to hold the man who owned my heart, who was hanging on to me as if I was his only lifeline. He certainly was mine. I managed to still everything in me except for the breaths I took. Painful breaths. Because Cooper was my air and my air was consumed by grief. So, yes, breathing was almost unbearable. It was like trying to breathe in fire. It burned from the inside out. I fight another urge to run – to escape the depths of grief I had yet to experience until now.
“It’s okay, you know,” Dr. Connelly said. She stood to hand me the tissue box that sat on the edge of her desk. “Feeling is healing, and you two have a lot of healing to do. These emotions are good in that it lets you heal from the emotional sores that you’ve both been carrying around for so long. Known or unknown, they’ve been there. And now that we are addressing these sores we can start work on healing them. Baby steps. Like a sore on your skin doesn’t heal overnight, neither do these kind. It’s a process and we’ll get there. We can’t change what happened to us or what happened to someone we care deeply for, but we can change the way we deal with it. And we are dealing with it now. This is good.”
Before leaving, Dr. Connelly gave us both her cell number. “In case you need to talk,” she said. “I’ll see you both next week. But if you need me before then just call.”
The elevator doors opened and we walked in together hand in hand. When the door closed Cooper moved in to me and embraced me with both arms, strong and protective. He began to sing Enrique Iglesias’ song, ‘Hero,’ in a low timbre. Let me be your hero… It caught my breath. I was lost in his words; lost in his warm breath in my ear; lost to the slow dance our bodies decided on their own to do. I was lost completely – in him.
The elevator door opened and two people got on. Cooper pretended not to notice because he kept singing and we kept time to the song by swaying together. We danced in the elevator like two people slow dancing. It didn’t matter where we were in that moment, because where we were was where we need to be – with each other. Not too long ago, I would have been too embarrassed to do something like this in public with people watching. But I didn’t care anymore; not right now. We needed a moment, and we were taking it. The chorus again… I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
The elevator stopped between floors again and the doors opened. No one got on and the two people stayed inside with us. The motion of the stopping and starting between floors gave me a slight woozy feeling, but then again, that woozy feeling could be the fact that the keeper of my heart was serenading me after he cried in my arms.
Cooper sang to me while we held each other. I’m not sure how many times the elevator stopped, but when the elevator dinged and the doors opened once more someone cleared their throat.
“This is the first floor. Is this where you two need to get off?”
Cooper took my hand and we both turned to answer the voice that spoke. A lady and a small child were the two people who were riding the elevator with us. I looked down and the woman was holding the child’s small hand in hers. Both had been quiet from the moment they got on. I almost felt like I should apologize now, but instead I offered a smile. “Yes, thank you.”
We stepped out and the lady said, “I think that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever witnessed.” She turned to look at the young boy standing beside her. “That’s what love looks like,” she said to him, pointing at us. A smile stretched across the boy’s face, and Cooper reached out and tousled the boy’s hair. I didn’t really know what to say so I offered a gracious smile to both of them.
“You’re a really good singer,” the boy said, looking up at Cooper with a look of fascination.
“Thank you, little man. Is this your mom?”
“Yeah,” the boy said, looking up at her.
Cooper smiled at them both. “You take care of your mom. She’s the only one you’ll ever have.” He ruffled the little boy’s hair again and we turned to leave.
We could hear the little boy say, “I will. I promise,” as his little voice disappeared behind the closing elevator doors.
Cooper didn’t turn back around but I saw the corners of his mouth turn up when he opened the door for me. “After you, precious.”
We were both wrecked from the therapy session. By the time we got to Cooper’s house neither one of us could muster the energy to do anything except sleep.
“Stay with me tonight,” Cooper said. “I won’t be able to sleep without you with me.”
We hadn’t talked any more about what happened in therapy. I think we were both emotionally spent and were both crashing like two junkies on an adrenaline rush. I think I slept for three or four hours, and woke up to the sound of rain pelting the glass outside the window. Thunder roared so loud it rattled the house. I looked over at Cooper still sound asleep and watched the rise and fall of his chest. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling, thinking about nothing and everything. My thoughts were so jumbled together that it was like trying to untangle chains.
Frustrated, I got up and quietly walked into the living room. Picking up Cooper’s guitar, I began to strum it, keeping it low though so I didn’t wake him up. I freed my mind and let the music carry me away. Struck with a sudden bolt of inspiration I jotted down some lyrics on a notepad sitting on the coffee table. I quietly hummed the words I wrote and smiled about the fact that I now found myself doing things I’d never done before, like writing song lyrics. Baby steps. I took the piece of paper, ripped it from the notepad, and stuffed it inside my pocket.
“Precious, what are you doing?” Cooper was leaning against the doorway, arms folded across his chest, smiling endearingly.
“Nothing. Just messing around. Couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and came in here.”
Another rumble of thunder ensued and he walked toward the big picture window to look out. “It’s really coming down out there. Perfect snuggle weather if you ask me,” he said with a wink.
“Is that so?” I asked impishly.
“Mmm-hmm.” His eyes burned into me like fire ripping through a forest, and I immediately felt the heat as he stalked toward me.
“I need to touch you,” he said in my ear with a low growl. “I need to feel you so damn bad. And I need you to feel me.” He pulled on the lobe of my ear with his lips.
I do feel you, Cooper.
His hand came up to rest with his thumb stroking my jaw, his other four fingers wrapping around the nape of my neck. He trailed feverish kisses until he found my mouth and then he stopped to look at me. He lowered me down with his body, never breaking the gaze. He was pressed up against me. I could feel his warmth all around me and the heat was making me dizzy. My eyes fluttered shut and my breathing went from fast to shallow.
“Look at me,” he murmured.
My eyes opened and then closed again on their own.
“Look at me, precious. I need to feel your eyes on me.” His voice was low and husky. “Look at me or I won’t kiss you.”
I forced my eyes open, and the first thing I saw was a sideways grin on his face. “So, I have to threaten you with no kissing to get you to look at me?” he asked mischievously, still keeping that sensual husky timbre.
I shook my head no, but breathed out “Yes.”
His eyes skated the slope of my nose before resting on my mouth. I watched him bite down on his bottom lip while he stared at mine. Either way, I was being tortured with anticipation.
“Kiss me, Cooper,” I said in a whisper.
I could feel his heart pound against his chest the moment I said it. His lips crashed into mine with such a hunger that I was overwhelmed. If I were walking a tight rope with no protective net underneath, it still wouldn’t compare to the intense exhilaration from Cooper’s kiss. It. Just. Wouldn’t. The nervousness I still got, the pangs of need, the way my heart slammed against my chest – all of it. Nothing compared.
Lightning cracked and then a loud, thunderous boom was heard before the lights went out. We’d lost power, and the only reason I knew that was because I had been keeping my eyes barely open enough to watch Cooper’s mouth on mine, and now I couldn’t see anything. Watching his mouth touch and caress me was, well, intimate.
“Do you watch me when we kiss?” I asked nervously. Please don’t think that’s a stupid question.
He leaned up just a fraction so he could look at me, but it was dark. The only illumination was when the lightning flashed and we caught glimpses of each other.
“Mmm-Hmm, sometimes. I like watching the way your mouth moves against mine.” After a moment he asked, “Were you watching me kiss you?”
“Mmm-hmm. I like watching the way your mouth moves against mine.”
“Do we need to light some candles then?”
“I guess we should. I can’t see a thing.”
“Wait right here.” Cooper lifted himself from me and blindly attempted to make his way into the kitchen. I already missed his warmth.
“Ouch. Shit!”
“What happened?”
Through gritted teeth he said, “I stubbed my toe.”
I heard hobbling and a string of curse words. You know that expression ‘it would make a sailor blush?’ Yeah. There may be one or two blushing sailors out there somewhere.
“Are you all right?”
Silence. Then heavy breathing.
“Honey?”
Once again through gritted teeth, “Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“Mmm-hmm” Cooper sucked air through his teeth. “I…just…need a minute.”
I finally heard kitchen drawers open and close. Seconds later I smelled the sulfur from a lit match, followed by a small, flickering flame. Cooper’s face was illuminated with a soft glow as he walked back to me. Setting the lit candle down next to me, he lit another, and then another. Eventually we had enough golden flames casting light around the room.
Perfect.
“How’s your toe?”
“It’s fine. I’ll live.” He kissed my nose then picked up his guitar and looked over at me. “Play me a song?”
“Any requests?”
“What, that’s it?” He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re not going to put up a fight? Refuse to play?”
“Nope, “I state matter-of-factly. “I’m not. I think I like playing for you.”
“Ah, well in that case,” Cooper said, handing me the guitar, “what are you waiting for?”
I placed the guitar strap over my head, set the guitar in my lap, and tapped on the top of it with my fingernail until I thought of a song to play. Ah, got one. I played Sara Bareilles’ ‘The Light’.
I maintained eye contact with Cooper as I’d grown accustomed to doing whenever I sang for him. I began the song a cappella for the first few lines, then I brought in the guitar. Songs were poetry set to music and this song fit us. It was saying, ‘if you say it’ll be all right, then I’m going to trust you and follow you into the light’. See? Perfect.
When I finished the song Cooper leaned in and kissed me. “Beautiful, baby. It’s my turn.”
I handed over the guitar and waited patiently while he got settled. By patiently I mean biting the skin around my thumbnail with anxiety. Cooper began to play and immediately I knew…
You were looking so sad, and I just wanted you bad
But you don’t know what I know
I’m gonna take all your sorrow and hide it away from here
I’ll do it all for you; all for you my dear
I promise to love you
It’s what I live to do
I was just a puzzle without the pieces
Until I met you
Cooper’s eyes stayed locked on mine as he sang to me. It was the most beautiful song I’d ever heard. I was completely enraptured, completely captivated, and completely his.
When I saw your face I was yours from the start
Let me carry your troubles and hide ‘em in the dark
I’ll take everything; you don’t have to do it on your own
I’ll take it all; I’ll catch you when you fall
I promise to love you
It’s what I live to do
I was just a puzzle without the pieces
Until I met you
I come undone when I’m alone with you
I’m lost in your eyes; even under the dark gray skies
Say my name and come to me
You own my soul and my heart; let me be the one
I promise to love you
It’s what I live to do
I was just a puzzle without the pieces
Until I met you
Until I met you
And then the lights come back on.
Cooper leaned forward to blow out the first candle.
I put my palm on his chest. “Wait,” I said, “let’s keep the candles burning and turn the lights back off. I like it like this.”
“Yes ma’am,” he said with a playful smirk and reached for the light switch. Once again it was just the flickering glow from the candles lighting the room.
“I love the song.”
Cooper stroked my hair. “And I love you.”
Shadows were cast all around us, like dancing figures on the wall. It was calming, peaceful. Our day had been peaks and valleys. Ups and downs. Twists and turns. But as I looked over at Cooper right now I wouldn’t change a second of it. Every moment had significance. Every moment mattered. And every moment I spent with Cooper was a moment cherished.
I closed my eyes for a minute because I wanted to absorb the ambiance of the night; the room; the moment. My heart felt too full, like it might explode unless I unleashed… something. Words? Feelings? I didn’t know the cure, but I knew I needed to let something out before it burst.
“I’m so in love with you,” I whispered.
Even though I couldn’t see him through closed eyelids, I could hear him smile.