Fifteen
Without Warning
Three years. That’s how old I was when I lost my mom.
Twenty-five years. That was the amount of time I had with the most amazing daddy anyone could ever ask for.
Five years. That was the amount of time I spent living my life inside a bubble refusing to let life in for fear of the unknown – and the known.
Three seconds. That’s the length of time it took for Cooper to make me realize that I was capable of feeling something other than grief or fear the first time he looked at me.
Five days. That was all it took for him to crack open my heart, burst that impenetrable bubble, and make me fall in love with him.
Five. Days.
I could feel the heat rising inside me, making my cheeks burn scarlet. I could feel the room getting smaller and the air burning my lungs. I could hear drumming in my ears as my pulse raced uncontrollably. Did he just tell me he loved me? I looked at him and tilted my head like he was speaking a foreign language and I needed an interpreter. I looked down at our table and searched for Ms. Sophie’s eyes hoping to find an answer there. Her eyes were wet and her cheeks stained with tears. I looked at Beth and she sat with her hands over her mouth in a state of surprise. When I looked at Hayden he was leaned back in his chair, arm draped over the back of the chair beside him, looking down at the table and smiling at his napkin. Joe just seemed cool and collected but obviously waiting for someone to say something.
I forced my gaze back up to find Cooper’s eyes and what I found were his lips on my neck, his hands sliding underneath my hair and a whisper in my ear. “You don’t have to say anything, Lil. But I couldn’t go another second not telling you how I felt. Not another second.”
“Cooper…” I whispered. I was afraid to say it out loud. Saying it out loud made it real. My throat felt tight and I almost choked when I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I closed my eyes and stopped thinking, and I let my heart speak for me. Cooper’s breath was on me and I could feel his heart thumping through his shirt. For a moment, his heart and mine were beating in time together. I opened my mouth and let the words fall out.
“I love you too.”
Tears stung my eyes and I thought my heart would burst. I wasn’t prepared for this. I really hated myself right then for being such a girl. But I all I wanted to do was hold on to Cooper so tight that air couldn’t pass between us.
“You love me?” Cooper asked, searching my eyes intently.
I nodded my head yes and murmured, “Mmm-hmm,” and choked down my tears.
He wrapped his arms around me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. Almost. “God, Lil, I love you so much.”
“Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!” the crowd chanted.
“Oh my God! Cooper we’re on a damn stage,” I said, and laughed in his ear. Realizing what he had done, he laughed too.
“Sorry about this, baby. I promise you, this wasn’t my plan. It just sort of… happened.”
“Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!”
“What do we do?” I asked him, honestly hoping that the embarrassment I felt encroaching on me at this moment would dissolve with his answer.
He pulled back to look at me. “I guess I need to kiss you now.” A sweet, impish grin tugged along the corners of his mouth. Without warning, he swooped me down in his arms with me looking up at him and landed a chaste kiss on my mouth. Then he pulled me back upright into his arms. “That’s all these fools are getting. We’re not giving them a show.”
The crowd seemed satisfied with that as they clapped and whistled. Together, we walked off the stage to take our seats at our table.
“Well, that was new,” Joe cracked.
“Shut up, Joe,” Cooper said, trying to contain his beaming smile.
Beth removed her hands from her mouth. “That was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so glad I didn’t miss this. Ohmigod.”
Ms. Sophie got up and made Cooper stand up so she could hug him. Before she did, she swatted him on his arm. “Cooper Hudson, did you plan to do that, and if so, why didn’t you tell me so I could have least been prepared? I’m sitting here crying like a blubbering idiot.” She swatted him on his arm again and smirked at him. I saw then where Cooper got that particular brand of smirk.
Cooper held up both his hands in defense. “I swear I didn’t plan any of that.” He turned to look at me – brown eyes searching brown eyes. “I wanted to tell her so many times before…”
Hayden patted him on the back. “I think it’s great, man. But I don’t think anyone here is surprised that you love her or that she loves you. Hell, if it was obvious to me, it was obvious to everyone.”
For the rest of the night we had fun enjoying the company of our friends. We laughed and talked and I was feeling happy. I was in a really good place and I looked around the table at my new friends appreciatively. Cooper either kept one arm around me or would bring my hand to his and set them in his lap as he drew little circles on the top of my hand with his thumb. I was hyperaware of his touch, his smell, his everything. Yep, that big puffy cloud was back and I was sitting high on it.
Then, as if the floor was yanked from underneath me, my happy was replaced with instant fear.
“That was some performance, little girl.” The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I suddenly tasted bile in my mouth. I went completely stiff underneath Cooper’s touch. I was frozen and unable to comprehend why. A feeling of vulnerability invaded my body. I felt like an open wound being subjected to salt. I flicked my eyes up and landed on a soft spoken older man. My head swirled and I felt as though I might vomit.
“Thank you,” I said barely above a whisper. Nothing about the man was familiar. Not his voice, not his face. Nothing. I’d never met him before. That much I knew. I don’t know why I had that reaction to him, but I wanted to leave. All the warm cozy feelings I was having three seconds before evaporated, and I didn’t know why. The man continued to smile, before he quietly walked away.
Cooper leaned in. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yes.”
“Guys, we’re outta here,” Cooper said. He scooted his chair away from the table and helped me to my feet. “Grams, we’ll follow you home.”
“Alright, dear. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
There were some things Cooper didn’t argue with his grandmother on, and there were some things his grandmother didn’t argue with him on.
“Knowing you got home safe is what will help me sleep,” Cooper said, helping his grandmother up.
Watching those two interact always made me feel warm inside.
“Hey listen,” Joe called. “Sunday why don’t we all get together at my place and we’ll grill out? I want all of y’all there.” He looked at Beth. “That includes you.”
“Really? Sure. I mean, I guess so,” Beth said, looking surprised to be included.
Cooper looked at me, and I said, “Yeah, sure sounds like fun.”
Joe looked at Hayden. “Dude, you coming?”
“Yep, I’ll be there.”
“Ms. Sophie? What about you?”
“I think I’ll leave y’all to it. I got some things I need to catch up on, dear.”
“Alright then. I guess I’ll see everyone else, say, around noon.” Joe got up to make his way back to the bar area.
We followed Ms. Sophie home and waited for her to get inside and flick the porch light off and on before we drove away. I sat distractedly looking out the window, absentmindedly biting the piece of skin around my thumb.
“I would like it if you stayed at my house tonight,” Cooper said, keeping his eyes on the road.
“I…I’m not ready to…”
“I know. That’s not what I’m asking.” He took his eyes off the road for a second to look at me and then looked back. “I’m not ready to let you go. I need to know that you’re next to me, safe and sound with me. Will you stay?” He squeezed my hand and waited for me to answer.
Now, it was my turn to look down at our hands entwined together and I realized I didn’t need to think about it. I wasn’t ready to let him go yet either. “Yes, I’ll stay.”
Even in the dark I could see he was wearing a smile.
He brought my hand up and laid a soft kiss across my knuckles. “Thank you.”
“Can we go by my house first and let me pack an overnight bag?”
“Of course.”
When we first got to Cooper’s he insisted on cooking scrambled eggs and hash browns. We had eaten appetizers at the bar but my nerves wouldn’t really allow me to eat much.
“Do you want me to make your hash browns Waffle House style? Covered and smothered?”
“That sounds amazing right now. Yes,” I said, realizing that I was actually hungry.
We laughed and talked throughout our late – err – early morning meal, and then got ready for bed. We each took turns in his bathroom getting ready and I sat on the edge of the bed as I waited for Cooper. When he emerged from the bathroom he had removed his shirt and was only wearing pajama pants that hung loosely around his hips. This was the first time I had seen him shirtless, and I unapologetically stared when he came out of the bathroom and walked over to the bed.
“What are you doing, Lily, watching me?”
I nodded my head yes, but said, “No.”
Cooper inched toward me while I continued to stare brazenly. He stood in front of me and asked for my hand. As we stood fixed on each other I brought my hands up and placed them on his chest, and then outlined his shoulders by grazing my fingers over his skin, taking my time tracing his chest and then down to his abs. I circled around him. He stood in place. I continued the feather-like touches over his back and around to the other side, purposely being slow and meticulous. I never knew he had a tattoo. Over his rib cage were words written in script:
Love transcends all obstacles in her path
Insisting she finds her way
Leaving her troubles behind
Yearning to be loved someday
I traced the letters that wound around his side, reading them out loud, and I heard Cooper suck in a breath.
“This is beautiful, Cooper.”
I was committing to memory ever contour, every line, every dent, every scar and every beautiful word; and I took precious time doing it. I was admiring the man in front of me who I knew loved me with every fiber of his being and I wanted him to know what it felt like to be loved that way, to be appraised and valued far beyond anything that could be measured, to be treasured.
“It’s you, Lily.”
“What’s me?” I asked softly.
“The tattoo. It’s about you.”
“Me?”
“Mmm-hmm. Look closely, tell me what you see.”
I looked again and concentrated on what was in front me, and then I saw it.
L-I-L-Y. The first letter in each line.
“You… you, how? Why?”
“I needed to be close to you. This was my way.”
I came back around to stand in front of him again and I kissed his lips. I kissed his neck, his throat, and trailed up his jaw and kissed his ear.
“I love you. So much,” I breathed out.
His breath hitched and he lifted me off the floor and onto his bed, sliding me up until we reached the headboard. “Lily, I love you. I don’t even remember when I started loving you. I just know I’ve never been able to get you out of my head. You own my thoughts every minute of the day. Your words, your smile, your heart,” he brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, “your shyness, your vulnerability, your courage and your strength. You’re so much more than you think, Lil. So much more.” He worshipped my face with tender kisses; my eyes, forehead, nose, cheeks, and mouth. His breath was warm and he smelled like spice and soap. I was drunk with enough emotion that remembering my own name proved to be a challenge. He rolled onto his back scooping me up in his arms and settled my head on his shoulder. He caressed my hair, my face, my hands, and finally he whispered, “This is where you belong.”
Pain. So much pain. I can’t move. His weight is pressing in on me. His breath reeks of alcohol and stale cigarettes.
“Don’t fight me and it won’t hurt as much.”
My eye burns and my lips taste like copper. “Get off me! GET OFF ME!”
“Listen here you little bitch! Stop fighting me or I’ll f*cking kill you.”
His hand moves up to cover my mouth. I’m fighting underneath him, squirming with all my might. My hands come up to push against his chest, extending my arms straight out in front of me as far as they will go. I can hear him laughing.
“What do you think you’re doing, little girl?”
His voice is menacing, and I know I’m going to die.
My arms can’t hold him off me. My legs, pinned underneath his. I grab the skin underneath his upper arm and pinch as hard as I can, twisting while I squeeze harder and harder.
“AHH! YOU BITCH!”
I can’t breathe. My chest. It hurts. I conjure up everything I have left inside me and I scream.
“HELP ME! Please!”
Somebody.
“Baby. Lily, wake up! You’re having a bad dream.”
I opened my eyes. Where was I? I looked around the room disoriented. Someone touched my arm. I jumped, heart racing. Where am I?
“Lily, look at me.” Cooper grabbed my face with both hands and forced me to look at him. “You were dreaming. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” He wrapped both arms around me and nestled me in to him, rocking back and forth. “I’ve got you, baby.”
Tears streamed down my face. It was a dream. Only a dream. I was okay. I could feel my heart rate slow down to a more normal rhythm and I relaxed into Cooper’s chest and arms. He stroked my hair, placing soft kisses on top of my head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” I whispered. “I’m okay.” I nestled further into him and rested my nose under his ear. “Just hold me.”
“There’s nothing else I’d rather do.” He scooted us down into the bed and pulled the covers over us. “I’ll hold you all night.”
I was safe in Cooper’s arms. Safe. I listened to the sound of his heart beating and let the sounds of his breathing drift me back to that place of calm and peace that only he brings me. My breathing slowed and I could feel myself drifting back off to sleep. This was the only place I wanted to be. Cooper played with my hair and remained quiet, thinking. I had come to know when he had something on his mind. A lot of quiet time had passed and in my sleepy state I thought I heard him say, “This is what I was afraid of.”