Caleb stood and pushed his pillow and blanket onto the floor, his bed was too soft. He lay down on the thick carpet and swaddled himself in the blanket he’d been provided. Outside, the wind howled. Why would Rafiq leave him alone? He drew his knees up to his chest and rocked. He wished RezA were with him. RezA was one of the British boys that often shared his bed. If he had a friend at all, it was probably RezA.
For the first time in a week he let himself think of someone other than himself. With Narweh dead, what had happened to the others, to RezA? It was true they often fought and sometimes threw one another into Narweh’s angry path, but it didn’t mean there was not affection there. Whenever one of them was mistreated by a patron or after a particularly savage beating, they would often comfort each other by applying bandages or offering arms that consoled instead of harmed. Caleb was smaller, younger probably, but he was a fighter where as RezA was more amenable and easily manipulated.
“Why do you anger him so often, Kéleb? You know what he will do,” he’d often whispered to Kéleb in the dark and applied ointment to his skin.
“I hate him. I’ll let him kill me before I become his little lap dog. A dog I might be, but not his.”
“You’re not a dog, Kéleb,” RezA kissed his forehead. "You’re a stupid boy.”
“And you’re a lap dog,” Kéleb countered with a half-hearted laugh.
RezA laughed too and put the cap on the ointment. He stood quietly and tiptoed toward his own bed on the floor.
“RezA!” Kéleb whispered.
“What?”
“I’m going to kill him one day.”
After a long pause, “I know. Goodnight stupid boy.”
Caleb had done exactly as he promised. He’d killed Narweh in cold, efficient blood. But he hadn’t bothered to look for RezA, nor had he told everyone they were free. He never told them to run. He would like to say it was because the thought had not occurred to him, but that wasn’t true. He’d been afraid. He’d been afraid they’d turn on him, because without Narweh, many of them would have to choose between poverty and a new and unknown master, perhaps even the drudgery of bonded slavery. He had also been afraid Rafiq would decide all of it, including Caleb, was too much of a burden and he would have to face the fate of the others. So he’d simply let Rafiq lead him away. He’d let himself be shocked and traumatized over what he’d done. He’d let himself be the victim. He deserved to be abandoned in return.
A noise startled him from his self-deprecating thoughts.
He was stone-like in his stillness, listening for any sounds to indicate whether or not he was alone in the house and furthermore, if a presence equated to danger. He heard the door shut somewhat gently and then heard the familiar shuffling sounds of someone removing their shoes and placing them near the door. Casual noises were a good sign, Caleb supposed, since someone intending harm would likely not care enough to remove their shoes.
Caleb wanted to leave his room, he wanted to investigate, but the fear he felt still lingered strongly. Rafiq was a stranger and his moods could be erratic. He remembered with perfect clarity the way he had been tossed into the bathtub and held down by Rafiq’s strong arms. He shuddered.
Footsteps neared his door and Caleb tensed even more, his muscles quivering from being held so tight. The door opened slowly and he shut his eyes tightly. If Rafiq tried to rape him, he would fight back. Somewhere in his mind a voice whispered he should just do whatever was expected of him. He’d survive. He’d want to die, but he could survive it again.
“Caleb?” Rafiq’s voice whispered into the darkness.
Caleb held his breath and didn’t answer.
“Boy? Are you sleeping?” Rafiq whispered again and he seemed in control, not angry or predisposed to violence.
Caleb refused to answer though, he kept his eyes shut and tried to breathe as quietly, shallowly and as evenly as he could until finally, his door shut and Rafiq was gone. Caleb instantly felt relief, but also loss. He was alone again. Alone and frightened in a strange, dark room.
What was his life now? He’d killed someone. He’d murdered. He didn’t feel bad about doing it, he would do it again given the chance, but what was he to do with his life, who could he be? Who was Caleb? He had always told himself one day he would be free, but he didn’t realize freedom could feel…too vast, too open and uncertain. Now he was free, he felt devoid of purpose and without a purpose what did his life amount to? He owed a debt to Rafiq and he would honor it, but once his task was complete he would find himself in exactly the same place.
Caleb swallowed his fear and tossed back the blankets, determined to seek answers from the one person in his life who might have them: Rafiq. He slowly opened the door and tiptoed toward Rafiq’s room. He hesitated at the door, but then tentatively knocked.
“I’m not in there,” Rafiq said from behind him.
Caleb whirled around and stared into Rafiq’s intense gaze, “I-I-I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I was awake when you came in, but I….” he looked at his bare feet, “I wasn’t sure what you came looking for.” Caleb swallowed.
Rafiq smirked, “And what did you decide?”