Putting down the book, I turned to my laptop for answers. Finally, a website that discussed women not feeling connected to their pregnancy. There was even a blog where women held discussions. I joined and read a few of the posts. Relief coursed through me, relaxing every tense muscle. I wasn’t the only person who felt this way. Reading further, I found that most of the women had a traumatic experience around the discovery of their pregnancy or had a prior traumatic experience with pregnancy in general. I was pretty sure that my experience was unique, but just knowing there were others battling these same feelings of disconnect made me feel like I wasn’t alone any longer.
The site went on to state that about half of the women start to relate more once they feel the baby move, some when they found out the sex and saw the ultrasound, while others didn’t connect until after birth. I really hoped it didn’t take that long. I did not want to feel this miserable throughout the entire pregnancy. Closing the laptop, I reopened the pregnancy book and flipped to the chapter on fetal movement.
The book said that first time pregnant women typically felt movement around four months, though all were different. The fact that I was having what the book called a multiple birth, I could possibly feel the babies move earlier. And, sometimes, first time pregnant women felt movement without realizing what it was.
Placing the book in my lap and my head back against the arm of the couch, I tried to think about any movements or mistaken feelings.
~
Waking up in the bedroom was a little disorienting since the last thing I remembered was being in the library. Looking over my left shoulder, I found Aidan sleeping. My stomach began to gurgle. Thinking I was going to be sick, I prepared to hurry to the bathroom, but then quickly realized I was starving.
Quietly, I slipped from the bed and walked downstairs. Rachel was in the kitchen at the small desk, writing in the black daily menu book.
"Mrs. Iver…Lilli, good morning." She smiled brightly.
"Good morning, Rachel." I returned her smile.
Opening the refrigerator, I pulled out the milk. "Please tell me we have cereal or something in a cabinet somewhere." I whined, eager to eat.
"Ummm…yes, I believe we do in the pantry." She stood up and walked into the large pantry. I was right behind her when she turned with a box of Apple Jacks. "These are what my son eats." She smiled meekly.
"They are perfect!" I grinned, taking the box from her hand.
"I can make you something to eat—"
"Cereal is fine. Plus, I need to eat or I will get sick." Rachel smiled knowingly.
"I completely understand. Would you like some orange juice and toast?"
"Oh, Rachel, I love you!" I smiled widely.
I was shoveling the cereal into my mouth when Alex came bouncing into the kitchen.
"Morning, Mom!" He hugged Rachel. She kissed the top of his head. My chest warmed watching their sweet mother and son moment.
He turned his attention to me.
"Those are my favorite!" Alex exclaimed, eying my cereal bowl.
"Get a bowl and join me." I waved him over.
Rachel handed him a bowl and he hurried into the chair next to me. He poured the cereal into his bowl and into my now empty bowl. I poured the milk.
"Thanks." He took a bite and then smiled, milk dripping down his chin. I laughed.
"Alex." Rachel scolded lovingly, "don’t talk with your mouth full." She wiped his face and he rolled his eyes. "And don’t roll your eyes at your mother."
He smiled bashfully. "Sorry, Mom."
She smiled. "Hurry and eat. Your bus will be here soon."
He groaned.
"Don’t you like school?" I asked.
Shrugging he responded. "It’s alright, I guess." He scooped another bite of cereal and crunched away.
The mention of school made me think about the classes I'd had to cancel when I left to take care of my dad. Aidan didn’t know yet and I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be.
Then my current situation truly hit me. What the hell am I going to do for the rest of the day? As I was turning that over in my head, Aidan entered the kitchen. He looked fan-fucking-tabulous and my hormones immediately decided to introduce me to the ultimate horniness my pregnancy book mentioned. I bit my lip and looked down into my cereal.
"Good morning." He smiled at Rachel. I watched, through my peripheral vision, as he walked towards me.
Please don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me. My body will combust.
If he touched me, I was going to burst into a hormone induced sexual craze. Alex really didn’t need to see that.
"Good morning." Rachel chimed back.
"Morning." Alex mumbled around a mouth full of cereal.
"Didn’t I just tell you not to talk with—?”
"Sorry." He said before she could finish.
"I was wondering if I would see you before I left." He stood, smiling down on me with his perfect looks.
Heat swelled in my chest. As he walked around to the empty chair next to me, he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. I clenched my thighs together, trying to control the heat flowing lower south.
"Sorry, I was hungry." I said, quickly, turning my attention back to my cereal.
"Those look good." Aidan stood and got a bowl, joining Alex and I for breakfast. I watched his fine ass the whole damn time, every flexed movement.
Rachel slid a plate of toast and sat a large pitcher of orange juice on the table. I grabbed a piece of toast and slathered it with the strawberry jam Rachel sat out.