"I’m not sure." Lilli answered quietly. Again she was unsure and struggling to be as excited as everyone else.
After dinner, our company stayed long enough to talk about baby nursery ideas, maternity clothes, Donald’s health, Lilli's next doctor appointment and baby names. Lilli looked uncomfortable throughout most of the conversation. Once we said goodbye to the last guest, I caught Lilli on her escape up the stairs.
"Are you okay?" I held her forearm, rubbing my thumb lightly over her skin.
"I just need a warm bath." She answered. Forcing a smile, she continued up the stairs.
With a sigh, I went to my study, trying to give her some space. My mind stayed restless and I couldn’t focus on any emails or contracts. Putting my head in my hands, I leaned my elbows onto the dark mahogany desk.
"Fuck!" I growled out to the empty room. Sitting back roughly into my chair and slouching down, I stared at the ceiling. I sat there for a while, contemplating everything that had happened and thinking about Lilli’s withdrawn behavior.
Her hesitation was understandable. She knew I hadn’t been the one to drug her. But, the fact still remained that someone had. All because of my damn grandfather. I want us back to where we were before the ball. I just can't seem to figure out how to get there.
The woman on the second floor of our home had been insulted by my jealousy, scared for her father’s health, hit by a fucking truck and, then, found out she'd been drugged and was pregnant with twins. Oh, yes, I understood she is still coping. But I'm a selfish man, wanting her to be my Lilli again. The Lilli who gave me a copy of ‘Dating for Dummies’, who called me a ‘Loser’, who moans my name from underneath me. I want it all back.
My restlessness wasn’t improving, so I decided the workout room may help. Without changing my clothes, I ran on the treadmill. Five minutes into the run, images of Lilli spread across my treadmill, naked, flooded my mind. I ran harder.
After an hour of running myself into exhaustion, I was ready for bed.
I entered the dark bedroom and quietly walked to the bathroom to shower. Once dried off, I walked naked to my closet and slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms before climbing into bed.
Thinking I would be slipping in next to Lilli, I smiled and climbed under the covers. My smile disappeared the moment I felt the cold, empty side of the bed where Lilli slept. Getting out of the bed, I called out for her.
"Lilli?"
No response. The room was definitely empty. I didn’t need to look at the clock to know it was extremely late.
Worry settled like a three ton weight, tightening my chest. Walking a little faster than necessary from the room to room, I burst through the library door.
The sight of her lying on the leather couch, pregnancy book tucked to her side and a laptop sitting on the floor, sent a flood of relief over me. The weight of worry lifted.
Padding quietly to the couch, I knelt down, watching her chest rise and fall. Her forehead was wrinkled with what I could only guess was stress. Trying to rub the lines away with my hand, Lilli’s face turned into my hand. I smiled, thinking about how my touch brought her some sort of comfort.
Slipping my arms under her warm body, I lifted and carried her to the bedroom. Once I placed her in the bed softly, I slid in next to her.
Curling up beside to her, I took a large breath, exhaled, and fell into a restful sleep.
~
Lilli
I was trying so hard to seem invested in all of the baby conversation, but my heart wasn’t into it. How could I tell them I wasn’t feeling any connection to pregnancy? That I wasn’t happy at all? I couldn’t, not when everyone else looked so excited.
Instead, I forced smiles and made conversation until I was able to retreat for the evening. Aidan seemed to pick up on my mood, but I didn’t know how to talk to him about how I felt either. There is no way he could understand all of these emotions. Hell, I don't understand them.
After the bath, which I soaked in until I was a prune, I headed to the library with one of my pregnancy books. Most of them discussed postpartum depression, but didn’t focus on women with partum depression or feelings of disconnection.