Racing for Freedom

chapter Fifteen





The graveyard is quiet, I guess no one comes out when it’s raining. I walk through the rows and rows of headstones, silently praying for each and every one of them. They were all someone’s loved one, at one stage in their lives, or maybe they weren’t. All the same, they all deserve a little compassion and respect. When I find my mother’s headstone, I swallow down the lump in my throat.

I lower myself to my knees and reach out, sliding my fingers across the grainy rock. I see a bundle of fresh flowers on her grave and for a moment I wonder who put them there. Did dad come out of the house and put them down for her? Or was it just a friend of hers? Maybe a co-worker? I don’t buy flowers, I just can’t stand the idea of them slowly wilting on her grave. Instead, I place down small, plastic love heart. When I was a little girl, I loved to collect them and every time she went shopping, she would bring me one home. Now every year, I put one down for her.

“Hey mum,” I whisper, stroking the grave.

I struggle to hold back my tears, for years I came here and never shed a tear but today my emotions are far worse. I don’t really know why. Perhaps it’s the return of Slade and his father, making it all seem like it was just yesterday.

“I miss you,” I say to the stone. “I wish you were here every day. Dad doesn’t do so well without you and there are so many things I want to ask you, to tell you, to show you.”

I let a tear fall and I shuffle closer to the headstone, my chest heaves and my breathing becomes short. I would do anything in the world to bring her back, anything. I can’t though, and it’s the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. When she died, I called her phone over and over, just praying she would pick up. My dad had to wrench the phone from my hands and smash it to pieces, because I got so obsessive, I was calling it every five minutes, not believing that she could possibly be gone.

“I didn’t forget.”

I whip my head around at the voice that’s interrupted my moment. Slade is standing behind me, his hair is wet from the rain and his shirt is stuck to his skin. I look down at my own shirt, not having realized I was getting so soaked. He crouches down beside me and points to the flowers.

“They’re from you?” I whisper.

“Yesterday, I came and put them here.”

“How did…how did you know where she was buried?”

“I knew, I’ve always known.”

“Why would you…”

“I loved your mum, Dash. You know I did.”

“You never even came to her funeral.”

He bows his head and reaches out to slide his fingers over the headstone, the way I had just been doing.

“No, I didn’t, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. Just like I’ll regret that night. I don’t know what I can say to you Dash, that’s going to make any of this feel better. I can say I’m sorry a thousand times over, I can plead with you to forgive me but I can’t change it.”

“I know you’re sorry,” I whisper. “I know you loved her.”

He nods. “Yeah, I did.”

“I miss her Slade.”

My voice cracks and he surprises me by wrapping an arm around my shoulders and sitting down on the ground beside me. We just sit like that for over an hour, staring at her grave, both alone in our thoughts. Slade doesn’t move his arm from my shoulders, and the comfort is…well…comforting. We’re both soaked and I’m beginning to shiver. Slade is too, but he doesn’t move.

“Dash?” Slade whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Will you ever forgive me?”

I turn and look over at him. “One day, Slade, you might give me a reason to.”

“Dasha?”

I turn when I hear my name. I see my father standing in the rain, staring down at Slade and I with shock. I stand quickly and rush over, but he puts his hands up.

“What is he doing here?”

“He…”

“WELL?” he roars.

“He was just…”

What can I say? He’s here to pay his respects? He’s here for me? He’s here because he cares? None of those are going to work, because my father hates Slade and his father.

“I’m sorry Mr. Jewel, I was just seeing if Dash was ok.”

“You have no right to be here,” my father spits.

“No, I don’t, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“You stay away from my daughter, Slade Devaroe. She’s too good for you, she always has been. I don’t want you anywhere near her, EVER again!”

Slade nods, his face is blank. He’s showing no emotion. “You’re right about that too, she is too good for me.”

Slade’s eyes meet mine and then he disappears into the fog without another word. My father glares down at me, and I don’t know what I can say.

“He was just seeing if I was ok, dad.”

“He has no right, to ever come near this grave, the fuc...”

My eyes widen at my father’s outburst. I know as children, Slade and I were competitors and our fathers didn’t like us caring about each other, but this reaction, this is strange.

“Dad, I know you don’t like Slade but…”

“I despise Slade, it goes far beyond dislike and if I ever see you near him again…”

“What?” I snarl. “What are you going to do? He’s my competitor and I’m a grown woman. You don’t get a say so in my life dad, sorry, but this conversation is finished.”

I turn to walk off, but stop and turn back. “He was here when no one else was, at least he thought to come down and support me today.”

My father’s face curls in anger and he spits the next words at me. “I came out…I thought I would see her and I find this…you have put her name to shame by bringing that boy here.”

I gape, and hot tears stumble down my cheek. “Don’t you dare tell me about shame, you haven’t left the house since she died. You haven’t done anything for yourself. She worked every day to create a home for us and all you’re doing is running it to the ground, along with her name. So don’t you dare tell me about shame, dad.”

I turn and storm into the mist. I hear my father’s pained cry, but I don’t stop. I get to my car and fumble with the key. When I get inside, I hiccup and tears stream down my cheeks so heavily that I can’t see. I have to pull myself together and get out of here. I start the car, swiping the tears away. I pull the car out, speeding off down the road. Pain grips my heart along with a great confusion. Why is my father so angry at Slade?

I drive for as long as it takes to process my thoughts. Guilt swarms me, it’s an automatic reaction. When someone you love is in the position my father is in, you’re very careful about how you treat them, how you speak to them. You tiptoe around them, in fear they’ll break. You don’t say the words you want to say, because you don’t want to be the one that causes them to end everything. I’ve lived like that for so long, but today had to happen. It just had to happen.

When I arrive back at my unit, Lucas rushes out right away, pulling me into his arms. I’m not really sure how he knew I’d need this, but I don’t care. I fall into him, desperate for comfort. He leads me inside and pulls me down onto the couch, where he holds me while I silently tremble. I don’t cry though, no, I’ve cried enough. Eventually my body begins to calm down and my eyelids droop. Lucas is warm against me and his breathing is deep and even. It calms me and soon I’m asleep, finally drifting to a world where nothing hurts.