Pull

Chapter Thirty-one
Alyssa
Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were
off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first
time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I
wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was
breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.
It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just
crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few
weeks was a giant joke.
I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed,
putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto
the floor.
I should have known something bad was going to happen
what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my
cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me
was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.
Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.
I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and
grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened
the packet and frowned.
It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather
cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first
page.
July 19, 2010
Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get
ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s
like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find
the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it
freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our
kids would look like.
I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my
mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul
with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve
done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do
things I know I shouldn’t.
Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and
shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt
terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that
pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.
My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we
can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.
Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few
pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose
or not.
September 1, 2010
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the
second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even
remember it happening.
Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a
mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for
Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke
up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.
I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant
to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the
minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.
It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by
the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid
courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around
and told her I loved her.
I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours
after having sex with someone else.
I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the
tears for passion when they were tears of regret.
If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take
back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is
getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.
Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve
ever loved.
October 27, 2010
I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I
know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell
her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects
me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her
heart away with me to school.
I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of
the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.
A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile
was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football,
and he was swinging me around.
“Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the floor and sobbed
into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why
wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I
would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so
much worse!
How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?
Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy
than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?
I jerked up when I heard something knock against my
window.
Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear
open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.
I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.
He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern
as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded
my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.
“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me
back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me
across the bed.
Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips
against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt
and lifted it over my head.
Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.
“God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as
his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations
at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a
million pieces.
“I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my
stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up
and went in for another scorching kiss.
What did he mean too much?
I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He
wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I
was out of breath.
“Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”
“What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure
about the fact that I was shirtless.
“Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”
I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the
floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”
“Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.
“Leave me alone!”
“No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the
bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love
you.”
My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He
said he loved me too.”
Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”
“It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn
cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did
and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave
me, just like him.”
“It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to
leave you.”
“You won’t either.”
“Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you
going to stop running?”
Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”
“I can’t.”
“Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”
“It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You
want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that
I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”
“What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?
Feel his skin against mine?
“The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”
Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a
few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was
better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how
much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him
not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a
hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.
“Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before
releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to
know something…”
“What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!
“I’ll never stop.”
“Never stop?”
“Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can
hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did
to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.
So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal,
then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse
me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I
love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving
you.”
Something finally snapped inside me. Maybe it was my
sanity; whatever it was, I felt it the minute it unleashed. Like a tiny
thread that was finally stretched too tight and with one final pull, it
disintegrated.
All I knew is everything hurt, and all my hurt was directed
at Brady. I could see it now, but Demetri was standing right there
so I lashed out.
I grabbed the journal off the floor and threw it at his face. It
missed him by a few feet. I started scrambling on the floor for
something else to throw, something else that could cause him pain,
make him hurt as much as I hurt.
I was on my hands and knees when it happened. When
Demetri’s arms flew around me and held me close to his chest. I
threw my elbows and legs all over the place, but he was
unmovable.
Exhausted, I finally collapsed in his arms.
“I hate him so much.”
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
I don’t know how long we sat on the floor like that. Me in
his arms, rocking back and forth. After a while my eyes grew heavy
and I succumbed to the darkness.