“Emily made that list for her, not me. She wanted to do those things before she died. She had a crush on you for years—that’s why your name was on the list. She wanted you to be her first.”
I take a deep breath and walk over to my car; I sit on the hood and rest my elbows on my knees. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I want to believe that I’m not just some pawn in her stupid bucket list game but I’m not sure that I do. I don’t know how to respond to her last statement so I don’t. I’m not even sure I could if I wanted to, my throat feels like it's closing up, burning at the effort I’m making to not bawl like a fucking baby. Since meeting Blair I’ve never once thought she’d be able to make me feel this bad with almost no effort. I look up to see her watching me. Her face is stained with tears and as bad as I’m feeling right now, as much as I’m mad at her, I’m fucking furious with myself. Seeing her upset guts me more than I can take, I shouldn’t be feeling bad for her. She got caught.
“I didn’t ever plan to pursue you because of her list, I swear.”
“But you just couldn’t help yourself when you had to tutor me, is that it? You saw your chance and took it.”
“No of course not, everything that has happened between us is real, Ethan, everything. Not because of Em, or because I wanted to fulfill a promise I made.”
“If that’s true, then why did you bother to cross it off the list? If you slept with me for you and not her?” I can feel a hot trail make its way down my cheek as a rogue tear escapes. “I’ve been such a stupid prick! I thought that you felt the same way I did. I’m fucking in love with you and it’s all fake to you. It's the only thing you didn’t cross off!” I don’t give her time to respond as I hop off the hood and round the car, getting in and cranking the engine.
“Wait, Ethan, that’s not true!” I hear her call out as I put the car in reverse, she’s all-out crying now and I need to get away. I maneuver the car away from her and watch as she starts to run towards me and I snap. I can feel the exact moment my heart shatters. The ache in my chest hurts infinitely more than any of the beatings my dad’s ever doled out. I quickly put the car in drive and speed away from the one thing in my life that I thought was good.
“HE LEFT ME,” I say the words out loud in a state of shock. I’m standing in the middle of the freaking desert at some random campsite alone, crying. He didn’t even let me explain. I’m not sure what I’m upset most about, the fact that he found the list and freaked, or the fact that he’s abandoned me.
My glasses have steamed up and my shirt’s buttoned up wrong. I look a mess. I feel a mess. I rub at my arms to ward of a chill that’s settled over me at the prospect of Ethan not returning. Shit, what if he doesn’t come back for me?
I’m hating myself for not showing him the list sooner and explaining. I’d brought it with me deluded by some silly notion that it would be like having Em here with me to share this. I even had in the back of my mind that I would explain the list fully to him this weekend—when or if the right moment arose. But then, why should I have? It was Emily’s list and letter, addressed to me and no one else.
I walk back to the tent and climb inside, zipping it up and using the little padlock I brought to secure it. I wasn’t particularly scared with Ethan here but I’m suddenly all too aware that I’m alone. I want to call my mom and tell her what’s happened, but it will just worry her and I’m hoping like hell that he’s just going to drive around for a little while, calm down and then come back. I take my cell out and try to call his number but it diverts straight to voicemail. I decide to leave him a text instead.
To: Ethan
Please come back and let me explain.
I promise it's not as bad as you think. B xx
I hit send and then spend the next twenty minutes staring continuously at my phone, but he hasn’t replied. I try to call a few more times and each time it's the same thing. I’ve left two voice messages and now I’m really starting to worry that he has just abandoned me here.
My cell screen lights up and my heart almost leaps out of my chest until I notice it's my mom calling. What the hell am I going to say to her?
I hit the accept button and put her on speaker.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetie, I’m just checking that you’ve arrived safely. You know me, I’d have never slept tonight if I hadn’t heard from you.”
My stomach bottoms out and I start to feel nauseated. She’s gonna flip her top.
“We got here fine, Mom. Listen, I need to tell you something but you have to promise that you’re not gonna freak out, okay?”
“Jesus Christ, Blair, don’t ever start a sentence like that! Now you know I’m going to freak.”