“Ethan’s left.” I say the words and they’re followed by a long silence, so long that I think the call may have disconnected. “Mom, did you hear me? Mom?”
“What do you mean, ‘Ethan’s left’? What, like he’s left you on your own? So help me god if he’s disappeared on you in the middle of nowhere I’ll rip that boy’s head clean off.” Her voice has raised a few octaves and I can tell she’s trying to remain calm.
“We had an argument. Well, not really an argument. He found a letter from Emily in my things and got upset and left.”
“Okay, so why would he get upset about a letter? What haven’t you told me, Blair? And don’t leave anything out now, I want the truth.”
I sigh audibly and resign myself to the fact that I need to explain the whole list and letter to my mom who has no clue about any of it. Suddenly I feel like a little child that’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I tell her all about when nurse Carla came to see me and left me the letter. I tell her about the list and all the things on it that Emily wanted me to do for her. I even tell her about the fact that I crossed off ‘losing my virginity’ but not ‘falling in love’, and then sit in silence and wait for the onslaught to begin. It doesn’t, though; in fact if anything, she sounds upset.
“Baby girl, why didn’t you talk to me about this?” I can hear the disappointment in her tone and it only makes me feel worse.
“And say what? You'd have only told me not to do it, and right now I’m wishing I hadn’t but it’s done. I can’t change that he thinks I’ve slept with him because of Em, and I can’t change that I haven’t told him I love him when he’s already told me. Now it’s just going to look like a last-ditch attempt to talk myself out of this mess.”
My voice breaks and before I can get myself in check I’m crying again.
“Sweetheart, nothing is ever as bad as is first seems. You love him, huh? I suppose I should have known that. Blair, just tell him what you’ve told me. What’s done is done now and there’s no sense in regretting it. You need to sit down and discuss this with him like adults. Any fool can see that boy is head over heels for you.”
“Yeah, that’s great, Mom, except I don’t know where he is.”
“Hmm, about that. Look honey, stay where you are and if he hasn’t gotten in touch or returned in the next hour or so call me back. I’ll organize a cab to take you to the airport, I can book you a flight back home.”
“You can’t do th—”
“I can do what I want, Blair. I’m your mother and I’m not about to leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere, hours from home.”
“Okay, I guess I’ll call you back soon, then.”
“You do that, and Blair?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom,” I tell her as I end the call and climb into the sleeping bag. I pull Emily’s letter out and re-read the purple writing. “This is all your fault,” I whisper as I lean back and wait for a text or call that I don’t really believe is coming.
The stillness inside of the tent is shattered as I’m jarred awake by my cell ringing. I lunge forward and scramble around between the sleeping bags, frantically trying to get to my phone before the call ends. It’s Ethan’s ringtone playing. I find it and hit accept.
“Hello, Ethan? Ethan, are you there?”
“Yeah hi, um, I’m looking for a Blair Thomas. Is that you?” The female voice on the end of the line is definitely not my boyfriend’s and my stomach churns at all the possible reasons a woman would have his phone.
“Yeah, this is Blair. Who is this, please?”
“Great hi, my name’s Mindy. I’m a bartender. I have your boyfriend here in a pretty sorry state. I’ve taken his keys from him; he was intent on driving but the guy can barely stand. You think you could come collect him? We close in the next hour.”
“Yeah sure, I just…um, okay give me the address and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” My mind’s racing wondering how the hell I’m supposed to be able to go get him when I don’t have a vehicle. And how the hell did he manage to get himself drunk in some bar? I’ve seen his fake ID—it’s not great.