“Really? Because I sure as hell don’t remember it!” I snap at her and my words make her flinch and recoil back in her seat.
“You started getting older and your dad started growing more and more distant. He told me that you reminded him of Samantha, your mom. Your looks, your mannerisms, they all started to grate on him. He became more and more angry as time went on. He was always so busy with work and stressed constantly. I told him I was leaving him the first time he ever hit you. You were about seven years old. You’d been playing in the garden and came in dirty and ran mud through the house with your soccer boots on. It was like a switch flipped in his head; he hit you so hard I was sure he’d broken your arm. That night, I packed up a bag for us and was fastening you into the car when he came home early. He dragged me into the house and beat the living crap out of me for trying to steal you. Told me that if I ever tried to leave with you again, he would kill me. You have to believe me, Ethan, I didn’t doubt him for a second. I’ve wanted to leave him every single day from then on. The only reason I’m here now is you. I couldn’t leave you by yourself with him. Even if I had managed to get us away, legally you’re his and not mine.”
My eyes are blurry from my own tears that I’m trying my damnedest to hold on to. I don’t know how to respond to what she’s telling me. I’m beyond pissed that she’s kept this from me for eighteen years, but a part of me feels sorry for her too. I’m all fucked up and confused and I wish like hell Blair was here with me now. She’d know what to say to help me process this; she always makes me feel better.
“You just let him beat me, though. You stayed, but what for? You never helped me.”
The sob that she lets out cuts straight through me. It’s the sound of complete devastation and a lifetime of regret. She’s fighting hard to steady her breathing so she can speak but I’ve heard enough, I don’t want to know anymore. I want to shut down my mind, hit a pause button and just take a second to gather my racing thoughts.
“Ethan, I wish every day that I’d told someone, gotten help. But who would have helped me? He’s a policeman, for god’s sake; he’s connected. He could and would have covered up whatever allegations I made. Where would that have left us, then? He sure as hell wouldn’t let me take you away. At least by being here with you, in my mind I was protecting you.”
“So why the sudden urge to tell me all this, huh? If you're so scared of him and what he’ll do, why are you telling me this now?” I’m tense as hell as I wait for her to reply.
“I’m telling you now because you’re eighteen. I’ve wanted to tell you every day since your birthday and I’ve never had the chance, found the right moment, or had the courage, I guess. You're a legal adult now; he has no real bearing over you. When you start college I’m leaving him. With you gone there’s nothing left for me here but a terrible marriage to a monstrous man. I needed you to know the real reasons why I’m leaving, so you don’t think that I’ve just abandoned you.”
My voice finally cracks and the tears win out, they race down my face and the more I try to wipe at them, the more they seem to fall.
My phone starts to ring in my back pocket; it’s more than likely Blair wanting to know what’s taking me so long. I can’t answer in the state I’m in— I don’t want to scare her. I let it go to voice mail and Mom walks around the table and places her arms around me. I throw my arms around her tightly and cry into her shoulder, like a five-year-old that’s scraped his knee and needs his mom. I can’t remember the last time that I ever held her like this.
She’s rubbing circles on my back and making a shushing noise into my shoulder.
“You’ll never know how sorry I am that I’ve let you live this life, Ethan. I’ve let you down in every way a person can and I hate myself for it.”
The whole twisted fucked-up situation feels like a weight that I can’t hold onto, it's dragging me down like quicksand and I’m sinking so fast it's beginning to suffocate me. I need some fresh air; I need to get out of this house. I need Blair.
“I have to go, I can’t be here. I need to leave.” I’m in a panic and Mom’s eyes widen as she moves back from me.
“I know this is a lot to take in, honey, but your father will be home tonight. We need to make out that everything is normal. It's only a couple of weeks until graduation, then you’ll be at college before you know it.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I stand, the anxiety and suffocating now morphing instantly into pure rage. “You seriously expected to tell me this and then have me act like everything is normal?”
“Ethan calm down please hon—”
I cut her off shouting before she can finish.
“Jesus Christ, Mom, have you heard yourself? Calm down? How can you be seriously saying this to me!”