Dear Noah,
I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to start this letter. I always hated that part of writing. The blank page is an ugly thing to stare at.
I was never sure about a lot of things in life except that I have always loved you. Every single minute of every single day that I have been on earth, my heart has belonged to you. It was never a question. Never a doubt. The love took on many different forms over the years, but it was always a constant. A gazillion books, articles, and poems have been written about it. We’re led to believe love is complicated. It’s not the love that’s complicated. It’s all the crap we attach to it and put in front of it, that makes it complicated. I’m sorry it took me so long to get uncomplicated.
Thank you for loving me. You’ve given me 1000 lifetimes of happiness. You showed me what it was like to be loved and to love. You are my strength, my hope, my peace, and my light. You are my everything.
Thank you for being my soul mate, the love of my life, and my friend.
Thank you for all the talks, the laughter, the music, and the quiet times at our spot.
Thank you for sharing your firsts with me.
Thank you for all the chocolate cake.
Thank you for all the tingles, vibrations, chills, shivers, and shudders you sent through me.
Thank you for holding my hand and for all the hugs. Thank you for my first kiss and thank you for my last kiss.
Thank you for being in my life. I’m sorry I had to say goodbye to you so soon. But you have Halle. She will give you strength and hope. You’re going to be the best father.
Thank you for giving me something to miss.
I love you deeply and completely. Me not being there won’t ever change that.
Goodbye, Noah.
I’ll love you forever, Tweet
I was folding up the letter when Emily walked in the house. “Hey, Noah.”
“Hey.”
“What are you up to?”
“I was just reading this letter, your sister wrote me.”
Emily looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She had been incredible during Tweet’s illness.
“So where’s my sweet Halle?”
“She’s in her room making sure she has just the right dolls for your girl’s night.”
“Well, that’s very important.” She paused looking at me for a moment. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just nervous for some reason,” I said, chuckling slightly.
“It’s going to be okay, you know. Why don’t you let me keep Halle overnight. That way you can stay out as late as you want. It’s been rough, Noah. You deserve a night not having to be somewhere at a certain time. Go and have fun.”
“That’d be great, Emily. Thanks. I’ll go pack a bag for Halle.”
“I’ll go do it.”
Just then we heard small shoes pouncing down the hall. I loved to watch Halle do anything, but especially run. She did it with such purpose and determination.
“Emmie! Emmie! Emmie!” Halle yelled.
Halle was so excited to see her aunt. She loved spending time with Emily, doing girly things. She ran across the room crashing into Emily’s open arms, which were waiting for a hug.
“Hey, chickadee. How would you like to spend the night at my place?”
“I would love it, but I have to pack more dolls.”
“Of course, that goes without saying.”
Halle turned her sweet little round face up to me. Concern etched all over it when she asked, “Daddy, what you doing tonight?”
“I have plans tonight. I’m going to meet a friend.” Emily and I exchanged a knowing glance.
“I miss mommy.”
“I know, little bird. So do I. Listen, I need to get going. I’m meeting my friend and I want to get there a little early.”
“Halle, let’s go pack up more dolls and maybe even some pj’s and a toothbrush,” Emily said.
Halle put her small hand into Emily’s and they started down the hallway to her room. I few seconds later Halle came barreling towards me. I picked her up and we wrapped are arms around one another. I squeezed her slightly and whispered into her hair, “I love you to pieces, little bird.”
The most beautiful light blue eyes looked back at me. The corners of her tiny mouth curled into a bright smile and she said, “I love you to pieces too, Daddy.”
I was so nervous on the ride over here that I had to wipe my palms on my pants a couple of times, they were sweating so much. I got out of the car and walked over to where we were meeting. I stood there trying to calm myself down. I stretched my neck from side to side, rolled my shoulders back and forth a few times, and took a few deep breaths. None of that really helped. Then I heard my name being said from behind me.
“Noah?”
I turned and stared at her. I swallowed the basketball size lump in my throat. My god, she was beautiful. “Hey,” I said, smiling at her.
“Sorry I’m late. The traffic from the airport was pretty heavy.” Standing there, she kept her smile aimed at me, but her eyes were taking in the surroundings. “Um…what is all this?”
Keeping eye contact, I got to her in three quick strides, landing right in front of her. “Can’t a guy do something special for his number one girl?”
Narrowing those incredible teal colored eyes at me, she said, “Yes, I believe he can.”
“Welcome home, Tweet.”
I placed one hand behind her neck while snaking my other arm around her waist, and pulled her against me as our lips crashed into each other’s, our tongues making contact, immediately. I loved kissing her. She was still my favorite taste in the world.
I pulled my tongue out of her mouth. We were both out of breath. I smiled when I heard a slight groan come from her. Our lips were still touching when I said, “Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when you go out of town to work on an article?”
“Yeah, but the homecoming sex is pretty awesome.” She winked at me.
I shook my head trying to clear the thought of her naked and lying underneath me. I had to get my head in the game. We were at our spot, so the nakedness would have to wait.
I had come out here earlier to set things up. I had yellow rose petals scattered on the ground around our table. I was able to tap into the electricity wired over at the grill area and hung a few strands of small pale yellow lights in the trees that flanked our table. The sun was beginning to set, so they were just now becoming visible. The table was set for two with white plates, silverware, a bottle of wine, two glasses, and a piece of chocolate frosted cake.
I grabbed her hand, turned, and pulled her behind me over to the table.
“Where’s Halle?” She asked.
“Emily’s”
I stopped in front of the table and reached over, turning the music on my iPhone on. I still had the same little speakers I used when we had our first date. I knew I’d use them again someday. I turned and pulled her into my chest as “Everything” began to play.
“She didn’t want to come see me?”
“You know if I told her you were coming home today, she would have wanted to come with me and I wanted you all to myself for a while.” She looked up at me and smiled, not saying a word. I placed a light kiss on her lips and whispered, “I’ve missed your lips.”
“They’ve missed you too. All of you.” She gave me a sexy grin while waggling her eyebrows.
We stayed that way for several minutes, barely swaying back and forth. I couldn’t believe what I was getting ready to do, but it was time.
Swallowing hard, I hesitated for a moment. “Dr. Lang called today with the results of your tests.” We stopped moving and stared at each other. “All clear again this year. That makes it four years cancer free.” I almost choked on the words.
Even though the chemo after Halle’s birth had worked and Tweet continued to be cancer free, these checkups were heart stopping and stressful. I thought I was going to lose her twice and those memories came flooding back with each follow-up appointment, and overwhelmed me.
She let out a deep sigh and said, “I hate this time of year. I know my body has been clear for four years, but I guess I won’t ever really be free from cancer.”
I held her tighter. “I wish I could tell you it will get better as the years go by.”
“Did you find your letter?” she asked.
“I did. Why did you finally decide to give it to me now?” While Tweet was pregnant she not only wrote to Halle, she wrote each person who was close to her, thank you and goodbye letters. She left mine on our bedroom dresser before leaving on her business trip.
“It felt like the right time. I was going to wait until I was five years clear, but why wait.” She looked up at me with those piercing teal eyes that were filling with tears.
I needed to turn this around. We should be celebrating, not thinking of the past.
“How do you want to celebrate your fifth anniversary?” I asked.
“We should do something special to celebrate. You know, go somewhere.”
“How about a wedding.”
She looked at me with confusion. “A wedding? Whose wedding would we go to?”
“How about ours,” I said.
I took a step back and got down on one knee. The look of pure shock on her face was priceless. I almost grabbed my phone to take a picture of her, but I wised up quickly and knew that probably wouldn’t be a good idea.
“When I look into your eyes, I see everything I want and need. I wake up every day excited because I know I’m going to see you that day and be with you that night. And in between I get to spend time with you and our beautiful daughter.
Every second of every minute of every day, month, and year with you has been perfect. I love you. I adore you. And I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.” I paused for a moment as I slipped the yellow diamond ring out of my pocket. Looking up into her eyes I said, “Aman… “
“That’s not what you call me. Don’t try and change it now.” Tears were streaming down her face.
“Tweet, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”
She couldn’t get her words out, she was so choked up. She held out her trembling hand and I slowly slide the ring on her finger. Standing, I grabbed her and gave her a slow deep kiss that left her breathless.
“I love you, Noah.”
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Noah.”
“One more time.”
“I love you, Noah.” She paused for a few seconds. “I’m going to be Mrs. Tweet Stewart.” She began to laugh at her own words. “I’m sorry for laughing. It just sounds so…”
“Perfect?” I said.
“As a matter of fact, it couldn’t be any more perfect.”
Tomorrow I need to stop by Jason’s place and get the notes from Ethics class and then go get my car washed. Shit! I’m supposed to meet Mom in a couple of hours for dinner. She must be feeling guilty about something. Whenever she thinks she’s not being a good mother, which isn’t often, she either buys me an expensive gift or takes me to a fancy restaurant. She asks me a few inane questions, that I mindlessly answer, and then we stare at each other for an hour. This charade seems to soothe her guilt and at least I get a good meal out of it.
“Faster, Brad! I need it faster!” she moaned.
I’m going as fast as I can. I’m not a f*cking hummingbird. She was the one who needed to hurry up. I liked Becca, okay, but she took forever to come. When we first started this “relationship”, for lack of a better word, it was a challenge. I tried to beat my best time, but now I’m over it, and ready to move on. For the past three weeks I’ve been dropping hints that things were coming to an end, but she doesn’t seem to be picking up on any of them. It wasn’t that I didn’t like having her around. She ran a lot of errands for me and did my laundry every week, which really freed up my time. I could feel she was getting too attached and thinking we were something more than we were. So, tonight was it. One last goodbye f*ck and I was out of her and here, if she’d finish already.
“Right there, baby. I’m almost there,” she yelled out.
“Becca, I have to meet my mom for dinner in like two hours,” I grunted.
I thrust into her hard one more time causing her to finally come unglued.
“Ooooh, Brad! Brad! Brad! I love you!” she screamed.
Shit, this was going to be awkward.
I started to climb off of her when her arms wrapped around my neck, stopping me.
“Don’t move yet. Stay inside of me for a while, baby.” The grip she had on my neck was like a vise.
“I can’t, Becca. I told you I have plans tonight.”
I saw tears start to pool in her eyes as her grip loosened. I slid out and off of her as quickly as possible. I need to go ahead and let her know this was the end of the road for us. Tossing the condom in the trashcan, I quickly threw on my boxers and jeans. Glancing back, I saw her lying on her side, curled up in a ball, watching me. A few tears had managed to roll down her cheeks. I shrugged my shirt on and started to button it. Neither of us had said a word. I felt her eyes burning a hole in my back.
Regardless of what women think, it’s difficult for a guy when he has to breakup with them. There are usually tears and either furry or begging. I’d rather deal with hate and anger because it makes for a quick getaway and only reinforces that the breakup is the right call. The beggars were difficult. I’m always physically attracted to the girls I’m with, otherwise I wouldn’t be f*cking them. Things usually fell apart for me when they opened their mouths to talk. I’d never been very interested in listening to whatever they were talking about. There has only been one exception to this, Amanda Kelly. I really liked what came out of her mouth. I liked Becca, but I liked her more for her ability to get the wrinkles out of my shirts than anything else. I inhaled a deep breath before turning around.
As our eyes locked I got a strange feeling that what I was about to do was going to hurt her more than the others.
Turning around, I cleared my throat, and said, “Becca, I think we’re done.”
“I know, you said you have plans and you’re dressed already,” she said quietly, struggling to hold her voice steady.
“I’m not talking about tonight. It’s time we move on.”
Slowly raising herself up on to her elbows, she blinked a couple of times in disbelief. “I don’t understand.”
Sweet Jesus, this girl’s got a four point zero average. Apparently, book smarts doesn’t translate into real life comprehension.
“I’m going to start seeing other people and so should you,” I said as neutral as possible. My intention is never to be mean, but if the chick pushes me, I have no problem laying it out there.
“I don’t want to see other people. What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing. In fact, you do my laundry better than our maid.”
“Is it because I said I loved you?” Panic was starting to show through her tone. “You don’t have to say it back right now, if you don’t feel it yet.”
The look in her eyes was pathetic. I don’t understand why girls can’t just let things go. Why do they need to dig and dig for an answer or explanation until they force a guy to hurt them in order to get the point across? I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with a beggar today. I needed to turn her into a hater, so I wouldn’t be late for dinner.
“Becca, the thing is I’m never going to feel it for you.”
“Why?” Her voice cracked and tears were streaming down her face.
“Because, I’m just not.” I glanced at my watch seeing the time ticking away rapidly as my impatience grew.
“But, I’ve always done everything you asked me to do and I don’t think I’ve asked a lot of you. I don’t need to hear you say the words, Brad. Just don’t run because I said them.”
“I’m not running because you said them,” pausing for a moment, I knew what I was about to say would tear into her, but she left me no choice. “Becca, it was fun for a while, but now it’s over. We were never anything more than f*ck buddies, more emphasis on the f*ck than buddies. I’m done, and I need to leave now or I’ll be late for my dinner.”
Not giving her a second to respond, I grabbed my jacket, turned, and was out the door in one fluid movement.
The next day I was pulling into the campus, headed to Jason’s to pick up the notes he was lending me from class. I parked the car and started walking towards his dorm. As I rounded the corner I was met by a flurry of people and activity that caused me to stop. I recognized a lot of faculty, staff, and students standing around talking. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Shit Brad, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you all morning,” Jason said with relief in his voice.
“I’ve had my phone turned off since last night. I forgot to turn it back on.” Mom had always outlawed cellphones at the dinner table. I should say she outlawed mine and my brother, Peyton’s, cellphones at the dinner table. She, on the other hand, said she needed hers close by for business purposes. She is such a hypocrite.
“I’m really sorry, man. Are you doing okay?” Jason asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
The look Jason gave me went from concern, to confusion, to shocking realization.
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?” I asked.
My gaze shifted away from him towards the crowd of people standing around the ambulance that I hadn’t noticed before.
“It’s Becca…”
Those were the last words I heard before seeing a white sheet covered stretcher, flanked by two paramedics coming out of the dorm across the parking lot. In one torrential downpour the sights and sounds flooded my senses. I heard crying, gasps, orders being yelled, car doors being slammed, and sirens.
Not looking at Jason, I asked, “What happened?”
“I’m sorry, Brad, I thought you knew. I mean I know you guys have been together for several months…I just assumed someone had already told you.”
“Told me what?”
He placed his hand on my shoulder in comfort and said, “Becca killed herself last night.”
“F*ck me.”