Some days are worth a do over, in a good way.
Idiot! I should have known he was busy when he didn’t text me back. I went straight home, changed into my lounge pants and t-shirt, crawled into bed, and pulled the covers over my head.
I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the sound of my phone blowing up. I reached over, grabbed it, and tried to focus on the screen. It was full of voicemails and texts from Noah. I needed some time before listening to and reading them. I fell back in the bed and tried to clear the sleep out of my head.
Finally, I got up, grabbed a diet soda, and tore into a bag of chocolate Sweet Sixteen doughnuts. I needed caffeine and sugar. As I sat there running the last few hours over in my head, it dawned on me that I wasn’t sorry for telling Noah I loved him. What I hated was seeing Brooke with a sheet wrapped around her, coming out of his room, a room that I had grown up in and had fallen in love with him in. I’m not stupid. I knew they had been having sex since the first month they started dating, but it’s one thing to know and an entirely different thing to see it right in front of you. As long as I didn’t see evidence of it, I could pretend it wasn’t happening. A loud rapid knock jolted me from my thoughts.
When I opened the door, he was leaning against the doorframe, wearing jeans and he had put on his soft gray t-shirt. It was simple, but there was something about Noah in jeans and that shirt that left me breathless.
“Hi,” he said. His expression wasn’t giving anything away, it stayed neutral.
“Hi,” I whispered. Blood was pulsating through my body so rapidly it made me lightheaded.
“Brooke broke up with me,” he said, bluntly.
“Oh god, Noah, I’m sorry. I should have waited until you texted me back before barging over there. What did you say to her?”
“Goodbye.” His eyes were smoldering and his lips had just the hint of a grin. He pushed off of the doorframe, revealing a plate with a huge piece of chocolate cake on it that he had been hiding.
Once inside, he kicked his leg back closing the door, never once breaking eye contact or his confidant stride towards me. I walked backwards as he continued his approach. “Where’s Emily?” he asked.
“She went to Hilton Head for a girl’s weekend.”
He backed me up against the counter that separated the living room from the kitchen. He sat the cake down and placed both hands on either side of me, as he leaned in close. “Did you mean everything you said to me?”
“Every word of it,” I said breathlessly. My heart was pounding so hard and fast it caused my body to vibrate.
“I can’t believe it. You’re finally mine,” he said, astonishment in his voice.
“I was always yours.”
“I know, but now we can touch and do things to each other and you won’t stop… You won’t stop, right?”
“I’m done stopping. It’s full throttle from here on out. What kind of things were you thinking about doing?”
“The first thing involves you naked and that chocolate cake.” A wicked smile crept across his beautiful face. “What changed?” he asked.
“Do you really want to talk right now?”
“I figured I’d better get the talking out of the way first because once my lips are on your body, they aren’t leaving it for quite a while.”
“Oh my,” I signed, breathlessly.
We stared for a few moments, taking each other in. I don’t think either of us could believe what was about to happen.
“F*ck it. I don’t care why it changed,” he said.
Noah’s tongue plunged into my mouth. He grabbed my hips and held them securely while grinding into me. I was already wet and we still had several layers of clothes between us. My fingers twisted their way into his soft dark hair as our loud breaths and moans filled the room. Dipping down slightly, Noah’s hands slid up my thighs, over my hips, and then to my ass.
Against my lips, he said, “Wrap your legs around me, baby.” I opened my legs as he lifted me and wrapped them tightly around his waist. I needed him closer. Now.
We headed straight to my bedroom and over to my bed.
I slid down his body until my feet touched the floor. Our lips stayed connected the entire time. It amazed me how lost in him I could get in a matter of seconds. Leaving his hair, my hands traveled down his back. I grabbed the hem of his shirt and started pulling it up. Noah broke from my lips long enough to raise his arms and help me peel his shirt off. I could feel the shiver run through his body as my hands ran over his bare skin. It caused me to shudder. Noah looked at me and smiled at the way our bodies affected each other.
His tongue slipped between my lips and into my mouth, slowly and deeply before his lips started the journey across my jaw and down my neck. He ran his nose up and down my neck a few times whispering, “You’re beautiful. I love you more than anything else in this world.”
I was so overwhelmed with joy and desire at hearing his words I almost started crying. I couldn’t believe this incredible man was mine and he loved me. He smoothly moved down between my breasts and came to rest on my stomach. Lifting my shirt slightly, he nuzzled into me. His tongue started to circle my naval as he placed soft kisses over my stomach.
My fingers clenched his hair as I moaned, “Oh god, Noah.” I swear, I almost came right then and there. I could feel his lips smiling against me. His hands ran up and down my ass, lightly squeezing as his tongue continued swirling around. I looked down at him enjoying the taste of me. Heat and moisture spread between my legs with such intensity, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before coming undone.
I felt his fingers slide under the waistband of my pants. Noah’s lips followed the path of my pants as they slid down my legs. He ran the tip of his tongue along the top of my thighs and then lightly kissed between my legs. My knees buckled and I landed sitting on the bed. My body felt like jelly. He slid my pants the rest of the way down and off, leaving me just in my t-shirt and panties.
His hands stroked up and down my legs slowly. I noticed him staring at my prosthesis. I took in a big gulp of air. He pushed the button on the side of the leg to release the pin that held it securely on to the liner and then began to peel the liner off of me.
Pulling back slightly, I said in a timid voice, “Noah, I should go in the bathroom and take care of the liner.”
“I can do it. I want to.” A few tears escaped and trickled down my face. “What’s wrong, baby? You look so scared. Breathe, Tweet. It’s me.”
My voice began to crack. “The liner is made of silicone and it gets hot wearing it. It makes me sweat.” I tried to swallow back my sobs as much as possible, but I was so embarrassed. No one wants sweaty body parts before making love, during, sure, but not before. “Please, let me go and take care of it.”
“What do you usually do?”
“I wash it with soap and warm water.”
He got up, bent down, kissed me, and then whispered, “I want to take care of you in every way.”
He walked into the bathroom and came back with a warm soapy washcloth and a towel. Noah peeled the liner off and sat it to one side. He took the warm washcloth and began wiping off my left leg. When done, he wrapped the fluffy towel around my leg, gently massaging as he dried it off. I kept my gaze down, not making eye contact with him. I felt completely vulnerable and exposed.
Noah took my chin between his fingers and tilted my gaze up to meet his. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
“I’m nervous.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s you and I want to be sexy and beautiful for you.” He looked at me confused. “A prosthetic leg is not exactly hot, neither is an amputated leg.”
His eyes slowly scanned up and down my body, then back up to meet my eyes. He stared at me for several seconds, then said, “I’ve been waiting years for this moment, do you really think something like that’s going to stop me? You are and have always been the most beautiful and sexiest woman I’ve ever known. I love you. I love everything about you- not just your legs, or arms, or eyes, or heart, or humor, or intellect. I love all of it. I love all of you. That will never change.” Tears were trickling down my face. Then with a flirtatious grin, he said, “Besides, I’ve never been much of a leg man. I’m more of a breasts kind of guy and yours are phenomenal.” Laughter burst out of me while I wiped away my tears.
“I love you, Noah.”
“Say it again.” He moved closer to me.
“I love you, Noah.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes, smiling.
“One more time.” He moved in until there was no space between us.
“I love you, Noah.”
His lips crashed into mine and our tongues collided immediately. There was such force that it pushed me back slightly. I wrapped my legs and arms around him, pulling him against me. I ran my teeth along his jaw to just under his ear. Grabbing his earlobe between them, I bit down lightly, and whispered, “I need you inside of me.”
Standing, he toed off his shoes while I worked on his jeans. I slid both my hands down over his perfect jean covered ass, and then moved toward his zipper. His jeans hung just slightly below the top of where his V started. I nibbled and licked across his abs down to his V as my hands worked on his zipper.
I was so consumed in the moment, I was surprised when I felt him grab both my wrists and pulled them away, halting my progress. Bending down, he kissed me. “I’ve wanted to get my lips on you for years. Let’s take our time. I want to taste every inch of you, slowly.”
Noah knelt in front of me on the floor, sitting back on his heels, our eyes staying connected the entire time. He raised my left leg up slightly and began placing soft feather light kisses over it. His lips traveled slowly up, alternating between my inner and outer leg, until they reached the top of my thigh. Then he gave my right leg the same attention.
He started at the tip of my toes, traveling up my ankle, my calf, and over my knee until he reached my upper thigh, placing the same feather light kisses along the way. I was completely breathless as I leaned back on to my elbows and watched him continued his ascent. His lips moved slowly and methodically from hip to hip. He showed my body complete love and reverence. I had never experienced anything like this before. I felt beautiful, sexy, loved, and protected. I felt worshiped.
As he moved up my stomach, my shirt slid up and over my breasts exposing my pale yellow lace bra. I felt vibrations emanating from his chest and then heard a low deep growl that made me shiver. My elbows slipped out to the side of me, causing me to land flat on my back. This was the second time I almost came undone and we still had a few items of clothing on. He really was taking this painstakingly slow and I loved it. I loved him. I raised my arms over my head as Noah slipped my shirt the rest of the way up and off.
Grabbing around my waist, he lifted me towards his chest, and placed me farther up on the bed. He hovered over me for several seconds, with a look of admiration, before leaning down to kiss the skin just above my breasts. He kissed his way over my shoulder as he slid my bra strap off, repeating the movement on the other side. I lifted up slightly so he could unclasp my bra. The feel of the material sliding across my hard nipples made me shudder. I laid there completely exposed except for my panties and didn’t feel at all embarrassed or awkward.
Noah lowered his head and wrapped his lips around one nipple sucking on it hard while his thumb circled the other. He released my nipple and then looked at me. His beautiful light blue eyes were beginning to glisten, causing mine to do the same. I had never felt this all-consuming love given to me before.
We stared at each other for several seconds before Noah whispered, “Thank you for finally letting me love you.”
We devoured each other’s mouths briefly then he worked his tongue back down my body. I felt his teeth skim over one hip, hooking my panties while on the other side his fingers did the work. As they slid down, Noah glanced up at me and said, “You won’t be needing those for a while.”
Sitting back on his heels, he grabbed my right leg, raising it up towards his lips. His hands moved smoothly up my outer legs as he kissed his way up to my inner thigh. I could feel my body tense up with anticipation. The throbbing between my legs was almost unbearable. He lowered my leg and positioned himself between them. My back arched up off the bed as my hands began fisting the sheets. Noah’s lips and tongue flicked and sucked me as my body writhed uncontrollably. The only verbal communication were moans of satisfaction. The more my body tossed back and forth, the faster his tongue moved until he plunged it deep inside of me.
“NOAH!” I screamed as wave after wave of sensation had my body convulsing. He pulled back slightly and I could feel the puff of air against the area as he chuckled.
His lips traveled up my body, slowly, finally landing on my lips. Looking down at me, he said, “You’re my favorite taste in the world.”
“You didn’t get those moves from Wal-Mart,” I said, my breaths coming out heavy as if I had run a ten mile race.
“I had to up my game for my number one girl.” The look in Noah’s eyes was heart stopping. It was the perfect combination of hunger and love.
He climbed off the bed and quickly stepped out of his jeans and boxers. My breath hitched when I first saw him. I had never seen completely naked Noah before. His body was as perfect as his heart and I was mesmerized. Sucking in my bottom lip, my eyes ran up and down his body.
Noah caught me staring and asked, “What are you looking at, Tweet?”
“What?” I looked up and saw the biggest sexiest grin I had ever seen. The blush ran across my cheeks and I shifted my gaze away from him.
Crawling back on top of me, he said, “I like looking at you too… and undressing you… and kissing you… and running my tongue all over you, tasting you.”
Turning my head to the side, I closed my eyes, enjoying his words and how he felt between my legs.
His warm breath drifted over my neck. “Tweet, look at me.” I opened my eyes gazing up at him. “I need to see you, hear you, and feel you, so I know this is real, and I don’t have to pretend anymore.”
I swallowed a big gulp of air. The other guys I had been with, we never made eye contact. I kept my eyes closed when we had sex, because I always pictured Noah. Looking at each other seemed too intimate to share with anyone, but him.
His hips began to rock as he slid into me, slow and gentle at first then faster and faster, always holding eye contact. “You feel incredible, baby. We fit perfectly,” he panted against my lips.
“I love you so much, Noah.”
We came together. It was the longest and most powerful climax I had ever experienced. By the look on Noah’s face, it was the same for him. We laid there, still, our foreheads resting against each other, trying to calm our breathing. All of a sudden a wave of sadness crashed over me and tears started running down the side of my face. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He kissed my tears. “Don’t cry, Tweet.”
“I wasted so much time and hurt you.”
“Nothing has ever been a waste when it comes to you. Not my time, my thoughts, or my heart. I don’t regret anything about my life with you, even the times we were apart. Those times showed me how much I belonged to you. I knew we would be together one day. I just had to be patient and wait. And you were so worth waiting for.”
Noah and I were a perfect fit. In fact, we managed to fit together three more times before leaving the bed. My life was perfect. I still had cancer and a few more chemo treatments, but life was beautiful. By my side, I had the love of my life, my soul mate, my hero and what could be more perfect than that.
“I love your hair like that.”
“It’s just piled on top of my head and pinned. It’s a mess.”
“I like you all messy,” he said, as his lips skimmed up and down the side of my neck.
It took some convincing, but I finally talked Noah into taking a bubble bath with me. He was all onboard with getting naked in the water with me. It was the bubble part that he wasn’t sure about, but he did it for me. My tub was a fairly large one, so he was able to stretch out in it. I was on his lap, facing him. Bubbles were splashing against us.
We were eating the chocolate cake. I had just given him a forkful with lots of frosting. I noticed a little bit still on his lips. I leaned in and sucked his bottom lip into my mouth. “This is the best way to eat cake,” I said as I continued to devour his lips. A deep moan escaped him. I could feel him getting hard underneath me. He brought his hands up to my cheeks and pulled his lips away.
“Is everything alright?” I asked.
“I’m with the woman who I love and adore, who also happens to be hot as hell. There’s nakedness and cake involved. What could be better?” He paused for a few seconds. “You never got a chance to answer the question I asked earlier about what changed.”
“My perceptions. I’ve wasted a lot of my present holding on to past perceptions and trying to second guess the future, so it wouldn’t catch me off guard. It’s like I grew up, but my perception of myself and other people never changed. I always felt everyone else was better than me, that they had all the answers, but wouldn’t share them with me. Then I got sick and met a friend who shared his answers. The only thing perfect is our present because we’re breathing, moving, loving, feeling. And we’re able to let the people in our lives know how much they mean to us.”
“Every time I’m around you, you touch my soul. I didn’t think I could love you more, but when I found out you were…” He swallowed hard. I saw a tear trickle down his face. I raised my hand and touched his cheek, wiping away his tears.
“Noah…” My voice was shaky and tears began to pool in my eyes. “I don’t want another day to go by and you not know how much I love you. I’ve wasted my life up to this point not letting you know that I’ve loved you ever since March 23, 1990. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll never stop loving you. I don’t know how.”
“Tweet, put it down.” The look in his eyes was determined and full of desire.
“Huh?”
“The cake, put it down. Now.”
I sat the cake on the side of the tub. Noah reached behind my neck, pulling me against him. Our lips came together and our tongues knew exactly where to go and what to do. Grabbing his shoulders, I lifted myself up and then slowly sunk down on to him as his mouth and hands found my already hard nipples.
“This is the best bubble bath in the history of bubble baths,” I moaned.
Noah has 99.9% of my heart. The rest will always belong to a special boy who changed my life forever.
I still spent time with Dalton on the Sundays before chemo. It gave me comfort and strength to face another treatment.
“Dalton, I did it. I told Noah I loved him and he loves me. I wasn’t too late.”
I knelt, placing the flowers down and ran my hand over his name. Dalton Michael Connor.
The night I danced with Dalton was the last time I saw him. When I went to chemo the next morning, I found out he had died in his sleep, just a few hours after leaving me.
Dalton was the first cancer funeral I went to. He had planned it himself. There was a cover band that played The Stones, AC/DC, and of course, Whitney Houston. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss him. I realize now that what I felt between us that night was Dalton giving me my thank you and goodbye. But most of all, he was giving me my life with Noah.
See ya, goodbye, adios, sayonara, good riddance, ciao and good night to you.
My chemo finally came to an end just before summer. To say I was ecstatic would be an understatement. Other than my memories of being in treatment alongside Dalton, I wanted that part of my life over with. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. And I’ll always be grateful for the lessons cancer taught me, for the people it brought into my life and the bright light it cast on those already in my life, so that I could see how deeply their love for me was. I was ready to start back at school and make a life with Noah. Cancer had given me a second chance and I wasn’t going to waste it.
Noah and I were inseparable. Other than when he was in class, we were together. I guess we were trying to make up for all the time we weren’t a couple. We decided to move into together. His dad had left him enough money for a sizable down payment and then some, so he bought a condo in the same community as his friend Carter, which was great because we weren’t far from Emily. Emily and I were closer than ever. The support and strength she gave me during the worst of my treatment was incredible. I couldn’t have survived this without her.
Noah and I moved into our place the first part of the summer. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
He was eager to graduate early and start medical school, so he took classes over the summer and worked a full time job as a transporter at MUSC, the medical school he would be attending. Noah was incredible.
I decided to take a couple of core classes when the fall semester started at the College of Charleston. I was going to research schools that offered a major in journalism through online courses. I wasn’t going to leave Charleston, my family, and of course, Noah. Charleston was full of locally published magazines besides the newspaper. Over the summer, I had done some freelance writing for a local magazine. It was great because I was gaining experience and making contacts. Life was good but busy. Busy is good because it shows you’re alive. That sounds like something Dalton aka Mr. Miyagi would say. That boy made quite an impression on me and my outlook on life.
I reached my one year anniversary of being cancer free. I went in for monthly checkups at first, then it turned into every three months, and since I hit the one year mark, I’ll go every six months unless I have any trouble. I couldn’t believe it had been a year and a half since the diagnosis and amputation. My artificial leg finally started to feel like a part of me. Not that it will ever feel like an actual leg, but you’d be amazed how your mind adjusts to it.
I think about Dalton every day and miss him. Even though my chemo is over, I still go visit him on those Sundays before what would be our on week. I started volunteering once a week at the Hollings Cancer Center. I’d never be someone’s Dalton because what he and I had was special and unique, but I could hold the hand of a scared child or listen to a teenager talk about their concerns regarding what lies ahead for them.
Noah graduated from the College of Charleston in three years with honors. I don’t know who was more proud of him on his graduation day, me or his mom. Most likely, it was a tie. He was beyond excited to start medical school.
The second anniversary being cancer free came and went without a lot of attention. I was glad. That meant I was no longer defining myself by the cancer. Noah and I celebrated quietly with a dinner cruise around Charleston Harbor. It was nice spending an entire evening together. He’d been so busy with classes that he rarely had a free night. Medical school was more demanding than either of us thought it would be. I mean, they tell you up front that it will be your life, day and night, but you think they’re exaggerating. They’re not. But we would get through this together, piece of cake.
I was sitting in Dr. Lang’s office waiting for him. When Noah and I finally became an official couple, he went with me to the remaining chemo treatments and to every follow-up appointment, except for today.
He was up late last night studying. He didn’t have classes until later today, so I wanted him to catch up on his sleep. He’d be pissed when he woke up and discovered I snuck out of the condo and came here without him, but it wasn’t necessary to always have someone by my side at every appointment. Everything had been going well and I felt great. Dr. Lang walked in and sat behind his desk.
“Noah didn’t come with you today?”
“He was up late last night studying, so I let him sleep. He’ll be mad, but he’ll get over it.”
“He’s been with you at every other appointment. I assumed he would be with you today.” He looked up at me.
I had gotten to know Dr. Lang pretty well over the past few years. I could tell in his eyes he didn’t have good news.
“Amanda, I think Noah needs to be here so we can talk. I’ll have Gayle call him.”
“No. Don’t call him. He’s sleeping.”
“He’d want to be here.” The door opened and his receptionist Gayle walked in. “Gayle would you call Noah Stewart and…”
I stood up abruptly and said, “Do not call him. He is sleeping.” The tears stung my eyes.
That underwater feeling that I had almost forgotten about came rushing back. The doctor motioned to Gayle and she left us alone. I sat back down.
“Amanda, you’re in no condition to drive yourself home. We need to discuss our plan of action. Noah needs to be here. We can call your parents too, if you like.” I simply shook my head.
A half hour later Noah was sitting by my side, clutching my hand. “There were a couple of suspicious spots that showed up on your chest x-ray. The other tests show that the cancer is back. I’m sorry. I think another round of chemo is advisable,” the doctor said.
Another round of chemo echoed in my head. Another round of chemo with the nausea and exhaustion. Another round of chemo, but without Dalton.
Even though I knew the stats and Dr. Lang never hid the fact that the cancer could come back most likely in my lungs, I still fooled myself into believing I was free and clear at this point. My anxiety level had shot through the roof during the first year of checkups, but I had started to relax after the second anniversary.
“My recommendation is that we do what we did last time, ten cycles and…”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
Dr. Lang looked up at me and Noah. He knew already.
“Yes, I realize that.” He exhaled a deep breath. “I know that the recurrence comes as horrible and unexpected news. You’re still early into the pregnancy.” Noah and I glanced at each other. I think we were both still in shock because neither of us were understanding what he was suggesting. “You’re both young and still have plenty of time to start a family.”
“I’m having our baby.”
“Amanda, you know how strong the chemo drugs are. The baby would be at an extremely high risk.”
“Then I won’t have the chemo until after the baby is born,” I said
“Tweet…”
“I’m not going to kill our baby with chemo or any other way.” Dr. Lang stood and rounded his desk.
“I know this is a difficult decision. I’m going to step out for a bit, so you can have some privacy.”
Once I heard the door click shut, my sobs poured out of me. Noah rushed over and knelt in front of me. We wrapped our arms around each other, holding on tightly, I melted into him.
He kept repeating, “I love and adore you.” His voice cracking as he held me and stroked my hair.
My only response was, “I’m sorry for getting sick again.”
His arms tightened around me. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. I was exhausted from the sobs, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Tweet, you know I want our baby, but I need you. I want to have a life with you.”
“If I don’t have our baby and I don’t survive, then you’ll be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. I know it will be a lot, but my mom will help, and so will your mom, and Emily…”
“I could have the entire f*cking city helping me, but if you’re not with me I will be alone.”
I looked into his beautiful light blue eyes with tears flowing from them nonstop, drenching his face. Those beautiful eyes were overflowing with love and fear.
Hours must have passed sitting there weighing all our options. When Noah and I left the office, we had made our decision. We knew it was going to be hard, but there really was no other option for us.