I love all the gadgets we have now to communicate. Cell phones, texting, emailing, Facetime, Skype, but there’s still nothing quite like a handwritten letter or note. They’re warm, cozy, and personal. Sure, it might take longer for them to get to you, but some things are worth the wait.
I was in the nursery curled up in the huge glider, my parents had given us as a baby gift. I had two more months to go before I would meet this little one. I hoped that if my time here was coming to an end, that I would at least get to meet my child first, even if it was only for a brief moment.
Noah walked by and stopped in the doorway. “There you are. What are you up to?” he asked.
“I’m writing more notes.”
“Why?” It was a knee jerk reaction. I smiled up at him. He understood why I was doing this, but he wasn’t comfortable talking about it.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what?”
“Play dumb. You’re no good at it.”
“Slapped in the face by my own words.” He chuckled as he came over to me. Bending down, he kissed the top of my head. “Good. You can read them to her when she gets old enough to understand.”
I looked up at him. It never ceased to amaze me how much I loved him. I’ve known him all my life and every day that passes, I love him more and even if I’m not here, I will never stop loving my knight in plastic armor.
I knew Noah was terrified of the future. He didn’t talk about it, but I could see it in his eyes every time someone brought it up. I wanted to still be a part of raising Halle even if I wasn’t physically here. The day we walked out of Dr. Lang’s office, we had decided that I would wait and have chemo immediately after Halle was born. It was very risky, since before, my cancer was very aggressive, but it was a risk I had to take for our daughter.
I started writing notes to Halle later that night. I needed to make sure I gave her, her thank you and goodbye, just in case I didn’t get to meet her, and I knew that the present was the perfect time to make sure she would have that.
Halle,
I love you and I’m sorry I’m not able to be there to watch you grow into a beautiful intelligent woman. I’m writing you these notes for two reasons.
Reason one: Even though your daddy is a wonderful man, and you grandmothers and aunt Emily will be there to answer any questions, there are certain things that only a mother can teach her daughter. I will do my best to cover the most important topics.
Reason two: Even though your daddy has taken a ton of video of me for you to watch, I wrote notes because I wanted you to be able to take them with you wherever you went, so you can pull them out to read when you need me. My words will always be with you.
You have no idea how happy I was when I found out you were coming. I loved you from that second on. You were perfect because you were mine and your daddy’s. I love him very much, Halle. I was blessed to have him in my life. When the doctor told me, I was sick again my first and only thought was to protect you. There was no way I would do anything to hurt you and keep you from meeting your daddy. I hope someday you understand my choice. I love you with my heart & soul.
Mommy
Halle,
Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid. There will be a lot of influences, like peer pressure and things you see on TV and in movies, pushing you to grow up. Don’t feel pressured to do what they say. Have fun, laugh, make friends, and play, All the grownup stuff will still be there when you arrive. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
I had my mother, your grandmother, sign a paper stating that she will in no way force you to wear a Halloween costume that is not of your choosing. Just to be on the safe side, your aunt Emily notarized it. When you’re old enough, you will be able to go up to the doors, knock, and say trick or treat by yourself. There’s no reason to be scared. There are no monsters behind any of those doors. I promise. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
Chocolate cake makes a lot of things in life better. Just don’t eat too much. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
Smart is cool and will never go out of style. Don’t ever dumb yourself down for anyone. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Friends: It’s not the quantity, but the quality that matters. You will meet a lot of people throughout your life, not everyone will be your friend. That’s ok. You’ll know when you meet a true friend. True friends are trusting and loyal. They are there for you during good and bad times. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It doesn’t matter what they look like on the outside. The inside is where you find their quality. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Your daddy is a wonderful man. There’s never been a time in my life that I didn’t love him. We were pretty young when you arrived. What I’m trying to say is that one day, your daddy will probably find someone who makes him happy. He may even want to marry her. He deserves to be happy and in love. I want you to be happy for him. Don’t be jealous. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It just means his heart has healed. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Don’t let society’s labels hold you back. If you have a true passion for something whether its sports, art, science, etc…don’t believe anyone who says you can’t do it because you’re a girl. If you want to play baseball, hockey, or football, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. If you want to play with Hot Wheel cars and Legos, then do it. Only you are the boss of you. (Technically, your daddy is the boss of you until you’re 18, but you get my drift.) I love you.
Momma
Halle,
On the subject of fashion/makeup: With makeup, less is more is the general rule.
Fashion: Fewer, micro-mini, tight, lower are all words to avoid when looking for clothes.
Underwear is to be worn under your clothes. That’s why it’s called underwear and not outerwear.
Respect yourself and your body. Half shirts and short shorts are okay at the beach that is if your daddy lets you out of the house dressed in them. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Travel to other towns, states, and countries. Realize that your way is not the only way. Different doesn’t equal bad or wrong. Be open minded and informed before making a decision. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Expand your mind. Read something every day whether it’s a book or an article. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Go against the grain and be confident. You don’t need to be a size 2, with blonde highlights, and big boobs. Being different and unique has gotten a bad rap. Different and unique equals original and rare. There is not another Halle Marie Stewart in the world like you. No one else will see the world like you do. Nurture your originality, don’t ever bury it away. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t let others compare you. Believe in your abilities. Set your goals and work hard toward them. You won’t always reach them and that’s okay. If you did your best then you should be proud of that. You may not get the trophy, but the ribbon for participation is pretty cool. It shows you were in there trying and as long as you try you’ll be a winner. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
You may hear, on occasion, your daddy use a term that involves the word “Smurf”. Don’t repeat that word…especially to your grandmothers…or grandfather…or…just don’t repeat it. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. You risk getting hurt, but the benefits are worth the risks. Your daddy and granddaddy were the finest men I ever knew. Find a boy who you can say that about. When you find him, let him love you. We all have faults, parts of ourselves we don’t like, True love sees past all that and focuses on your heart. If you love someone, tell them. It doesn’t matter if they say it back to you. Whoever makes you feel that deeply and that intensely, deserves to know how they’ve impacted you. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
You will have difficult times in your life, everyone does. I hope you have very few. Have a sense of humor. It will get you through those times. Don’t run from difficulties. Getting through them builds strength and character. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
I’m proud of you. Whether you’ve decided to be a wife, mother, career woman or all three, (You most definitely can be all three.) I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. You’re probably wondering how I could be proud of you when I’m not there to see how you turned out. I know you grew into a wonderful woman because I know the wonderful man who raised you. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Find something/someone that you’ll miss. Because if you miss them that means your life was enhanced and you cared. I miss you.
Mom
Halle,
People will tell you that there is one soul mate out in the world for every person and when you find them, you’ll know and fall in romantic love with them. That’s a load of crap. It’s extremely rare to have more than one soul mate in your lifetime, but it’s possible. And the soul mate doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. Sometimes in life, you meet people when you need them, and there is an immediate connection. I was one of the lucky ones.
I had two soul mates in my life. Your daddy was the first, the love of my life. When I was 19, I met my second soul mate, a boy named Dalton. I never stopped loving your daddy. Dalton came into my life exactly when he was supposed to. He was only in my life for a short time, but boy did he use it to make an indelible impression. So, sometimes your soul mate is in your life for a short period of time, but you will always carry them in your heart and soul. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Everyone deserves a thank you and goodbye. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
I wish I could have been there to wrap my arms around you when you were hurt and when you were happy. I wish I could have been there to wipe your tears away and to let you know things would get better while we ate a piece of chocolate cake. I wish I could have been there to share all your firsts with you. But where ever you go in life, I’ll be with you through my words and in your heart and soul. You don’t need to be perfect in your life, but always be present in it. The present is the most perfect gift you can have. I love you.
Mom
I knew the exact day and time when I fell in love with her, March 23, 1990 at 10:59 pm. I have always loved her. As a kid, I didn’t know what it was, I just knew I got excited when I saw her and I wanted to see her all the time.
I also knew the exact date and time when I realized Tweet had turned into a girl and I turned into a horny bastard. May 27, 2004 at 7:03 pm.
Tweet and I were walking to our spot. She stopped suddenly. “See a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll have good luck,” she said in a sing song voice.
I chuckled as she bent down to pick up the penny. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe what I saw. The cutest, roundest, most beautiful ass in the world, that would fit perfectly in my hands.
She stood holding the penny up proudly like it was worth a million dollars. I couldn’t help but stare at her smiling lips. Her pale pink, heart shaped lips that I really wanted to kiss. I stood there hypnotized by them as I thought of other parts of her I wanted to kiss. Tweet was hot!
She wasn’t skinny like a lot of girls at school. She had just the right amount of curves in just the right places. Her legs were great, but the best part of them was that they led to that beautiful ass. Her chocolate brown hair hit just below her creamy shoulders and was always so shiny. Her eyes were incredible. They were teal color. I’d never seen anyone with eyes that color. When they looked at me, I swear they could see all the way into my soul. What the hell is wrong with me? I sound like a girl. Then I felt a twitching in my cargo shorts. Nope, I was definitely a red blooded, all American horny bastard.
I jolted from my fantasy when I heard her yell, “NOAH! ARE YOU COMING?”
I thought if I don’t stop thinking about your perfect ass and awesome rack I will. “Yeah, I’m coming!” I walked several steps behind her. There was a lot more twitching going on in my shorts that she didn’t need to see.
That entire summer I spent my time thinking about touching her, figuring out subtle ways to touch her, and touching her as much as possible.