Playing Patience

Fifteen



Zeke



Fear wasn’t the sound of my dad’s heavy footfalls as he came down the hallway ready to beat my ass. Fear wasn’t waking up from my repeating nightmare of my mother’s dead eyes. No, those things knew nothing of fear.

Fear was looking around Finn’s house for Patience and not finding her. It was asking her friend Megan where she was and her saying she had no idea. The truth was I never knew what it meant to be afraid until the moment I thought about her trying to walk home from Finn’s party and being raped and murdered.

Megan called her phone over and over again and we all went out searching for her. For hours we searched, until finally I saw her walking to her house. The relief I felt when I saw her blond hair in the gray dawn was so extreme, I couldn’t put it into words even if I wanted to.

As I drove away from her, I couldn’t remember what it was I said to her. I just knew I was pissed off. I was pissed at her for being stupid enough to walk alone in the dark in Finn’s neighborhood. I was pissed because she was just casually walking while Megan and I were in a full-blown panic. I was pissed because she was able to put me in a full-blown panic to start with.

Thankfully, I’d set out on my own to find her. The last thing I wanted my friends to see was me flipping out over the fact that I couldn’t find some chick. And I was flipping out. I’d never felt that kind of anxiety. My fingers still felt stiff and numb from gripping my steering wheel so hard for so many hours.

At one point, I almost ran out of gas, but thankfully I’d finally started making some money from Javier and I was able to fill up and keep looking for her.

Halfway to my house my memory started filling in and I could remember telling her to stay away. Her staying away would be a good thing, but at the same time, the week without seeing her had been hell. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I f*cking hated all these conflicting issues bouncing around my head.

Then the guilt started to set in—another emotion I’d never experienced until Patience. I felt bad for yelling at her, but I was so mad at her for putting herself in danger I couldn’t even see straight. She was the queen of bad decisions and coming near me was one of her worse yet.

I had her cell number in my phone since Megan insisted I program it just in case. Once I made it to my yard, I pulled out my phone and sent her a text.

Me: I yelled at you b/c what you did was stupid.

It wasn’t exactly an apology, but it was as close as she was going to get. An hour later I got a response.

Patience: Should I bring you a napkin? You might have some apology on your chin.

I laughed. I liked the fact that she could dish it out. I also liked the fact that she got me. I didn’t want to admit it before, but she definitely got me. I didn’t have to send her an apology for her to know my text was my way of apologizing.

Me: Smartass.

Patience: Mean ass.

Me: Goodnight, Snowflake.

Patience: Goodnight, Zeke.

I passed out as soon as I got in my bed and didn’t wake up until after two that afternoon. Once I was fully awake, I got a shower and headed out. I passed my dad in the living room and, as usual, he said nothing to me. Either he was hitting me or he was ignoring me. I’d made some pretty good money selling drugs for Javier so far so I wouldn’t be living here much longer anyway.

When I showed up at Finn’s house, I walked in on Chet and Megan making out on the couch.

“Don’t y’all have homes of your own?” I said as I set my guitar next to Chet’s drums.

“So are you and Patience okay?” Megan asked, as she wiped her mouth and adjusted her top.

“We’re fine, but there’s no me and Patience,” I said as I fell onto the couch.

“Oh, okay. Whatever you say.” She grinned at me.

“Seriously, we’re just friends.”

“I saw you two together last night in that corner.” She nodded to corner of the room. “Looked like more than friends to me.”

Finn came in and saved me from having to respond, but the truth was I didn’t know what the hell Patience was to me anymore. I just knew I didn’t do the girlfriend thing and if that’s what she was looking for, she was looking in the wrong place.

She quit coming to Boy’s Club. I guess she took what I said seriously when I told her to stay away. The week went by slow and it sucked entirely too much ass. We played The Pit on Friday night and I saw Megan, but still no Patience. So when I ran into her at Finn’s house party the following night, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a tiny bit excited. I could see on her face that she was excited too.

“Long time no see, rich girl.” I teased her.

She rolled her eyes.

“My name’s Snowflake.” She grinned.

Damn, she was fun to flirt with.

“So did you miss me?” I nodded at my friend Connor who walked by and said hey.

“I missed you about as much as you missed me.”

I couldn’t help myself. I had to say something sweet.

“That much, huh? Damn, I must be pretty special.” I winked.

Her smile spread and I got a satisfied feeling. I liked making her smile. Something told me she didn’t do it often at home.

“Yeah, must be.” Her cheeks turned pink. She reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear shyly. “You guys should play. We need some music in here.”

She was right. The place was entirely too quiet.

“You just like to watch me play.”

“Maybe.” She shrugged and looked up at me through her lashes.

I loved it when she did that. She looked so f*cking hot when she flirted. There was no more denying anything. I liked Patience, too damn much if you asked me, and I missed her. Damn, it was hard to admit that to myself, but worse things have happened.

We hung out together most of the night and I sneaked in a touch every now and again. Not once did she jerk away from me, and I was glad to see she was becoming comfortable with me. When Megan drank too much and passed out on Finn’s couch, I smiled to myself because I knew I’d get to take Patience home.

Once I got her in my car and we weren’t surrounded by a bunch of people, I could really turn up the flirting. Usually, I was the big flirt at Finn’s parties, but it hadn’t even occurred to me that I didn’t pay any attention to any of the other girls who were there. At one point, Stephanie, the redhead, even tried to throw herself at me, but I hardly noticed.

“I think she does this to me on purpose,” Patience said as she rolled down her window.

“Why would she leave you stranded on purpose?”

“I never get stranded because you always take me home. She only drinks too much when you’re around.” She peeked over at me.

That could only mean one thing.

“So she drinks too much to get us alone?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Did you tell her you liked being alone with me?”

I really hoped that was the case because I loved being alone with her.

“Not exactly in those words.”

“Then what did you tell her?”

My car felt too big. I wanted her to be closer to me. I looked over at her and her eyes connected with mine. It wasn’t safe to drive with her in the car. It was hard as hell to keep my attention on the road when she sat just a few feet away.

“It’s not important.” She shook her head.

“It is to me.”

And it was. It was entirely too important. Why the f*ck was it so important?

We were getting closer to her house and it seemed like the closer we got, the more nervous she got. Something was definitely going on at her house. I wished to myself that she’d open up and tell me so I could help, but then again, I never talked about my problems at home so I couldn’t really expect her to talk about hers.

“Zeke?”

I loved the way she said my name—like an emotional plea, like I was the only thing she ever wanted to hold on to. It made me feel important; it made me feel needed.

“Yeah?”

She twisted the ends of her hair nervously. “Would you take me home?”

“I am taking you home, babe.”

I was hoping she’d say something else. I’m not sure what else I wanted to hear, but the way she said my name was so deep and desperate. I felt like there was something else she wanted to say to me.

“No, I mean will you take me to your home. Can I stay with you tonight?”

Just like that, my car shrunk five sizes and she felt so close I could feel her body heat against my side. What was she saying? Did she want to have sex with me? I couldn’t deny the fact that I’d been thinking about having sex with her from the word “go,” but there was a problem and the problem was I knew my dad would still be awake. I couldn’t take her there. I didn’t want her to see that.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, snowflake.”

I watched her face fall and I felt awful. I didn’t want her to think I didn’t want her because God knew I did, but I just couldn’t take that chance.

She put her head down and fiddled with her fingers. “I don’t want to go home.”

And then I understood. It wasn’t that she wanted me; she just didn’t want to go home, and if she didn’t want to go home, there had to be a damn good reason.

“How about we go to the park for a bit?”

A tiny smile lifted the side of her mouth. “Okay.”

So I went to the park close to the Boy’s Club and we parked, but instead of making out, like most people did, we talked.

“So how’s your mom doing?” I asked.

“She has her good days and her bad days. Cancer’s a bitch.”

“Agreed.”

I didn’t have to tell her that my mom died from cancer as well. When she looked over at me and nodded, I knew she knew. And that’s how the next hour went. She told me about her sister, Sydney, and how close they were. She told me about her love of soccer and about the game she played earlier that day. As tiny as she was, I would’ve never known she was such a badass at soccer.

When it was my turn to talk, I told her about how the band got started and about the guys. I made her laugh a few times when I talked about Tiny and the girls that loved him. She asked questions, but nothing too personal and nothing I wasn’t willing to answer. She was so respectful of my privacy and I appreciated her for that. Not once did my dad or her dad come up. I was thankful she didn’t ask about mine and I knew better than to ask about hers.

“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

“Nah, just girls I’ve screwed around with.” I shrugged and stretched out my legs.

“Yeah, I heard you have a different woman every night.” She laughed, but it sounded forced.

“I used to, but not since I’ve met you.”

Her eyes crashed into mine. I wasn’t sure why I confessed that. Maybe it was because we’d been talking for so long and I was comfortable with her. I don’t know, but the minute the words left my mouth her eyes lit up. They were fluorescent-blue pools of emotion and I could tell my confession pleased her.

“Really? Why?”

I knew she’d ask me that and the truth was I didn’t know why.

“Maybe I’m waiting for you.” I looked over at her and grinned.

She took a shaky breath and looked away.

“You shouldn’t do that,” she said softly. “I don’t think I could be like the girls you’re used to.”

Good. I didn’t want her to be anything like the girls I was used to. I wanted her to be Patience, my snowflake, her own unique self. There was no one like her and I wouldn’t want her any other way.

“Good,” I said.

She shook her head. “No, not good.”

I reached over and pulled her closer to me. Her palms landed on my chest and she looked up at me. I didn’t miss the nervous expression on her face or the fact that her body shook a little.

“Yes, it’s very good.” I ran my fingers through her hair. “The first time I saw you I knew you were different. I think you’re perfect just the way you are.” And I meant that. I really did, but that didn’t mean I wanted to say it out loud.

I was already cursing myself for saying something so lame. Why was I sitting in my car sweet-talking this girl when what I should’ve been doing was trying to get in her panties?

She reached up and pushed my hair out of my face with her finger. She was so close I could feel her warm breath against my mouth. Her eyes glowed in the darkness as she stared up at me.

“I’m far from perfect. Trust me. I’m the most flawed person I know.” She turned away.

Cupping her chin, I turned her to face me again. Her lips looked so plump and moist, even being turned down in a frown. I wanted her to smile. I wanted it like I wanted my next breath, and I wanted to kiss her. I’d fought with that one for a while, but I definitely wanted to kiss her.

“Patience.” Her name came out on an exhale.

I let my hand slip around to the side of her neck. My fingers twirled in the soft baby hairs behind her ear.

“Yeah?”

We were both breathing so hard my car windows were fogged over. It was the first time in my life I’d fogged windows doing something other than sex.

She reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear and bit at her lip like she knew what I was thinking. She closed her eyes and sighed when I ran my thumb across her bottom lip.

“I think I want to kiss you.”

There. I’d said it. It was out there and there was no taking it back. I hadn’t kissed a girl since I was fourteen. Mainly because it felt entirely too personal, but with Patience I wanted to be personal. I wanted to taste her in ways I hadn’t tasted other women, and kissing was the only way I could do that.

Her eyes widened and her throat bobbed up and down as she swallowed hard. Her breathing accelerated as I gave her a minute to let my words sink it. If she wasn’t okay with being kissed good and hard, I was giving her plenty of time to say so. I had a feeling once my mouth connected with hers it would take a lot for me to stop.

“I think I want you to kiss me,” she whispered.

I looked down at her sweet mouth and bit at my lip ring. I tilted her head up to meet mine and moved in. I let my lips skim hers and they were every bit as soft as they looked. A tiny noise escaped her mouth and I lost it.

I pressed my lips to hers and experienced a new world. I closed my eyes and took her in. She threw her arms around my neck and melted into me. I felt her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck and then her mouth opened a bit and I took that as an invitation to deepen the kiss.

It was better than sex somehow. I’d had enough sex in my life, but this was deeper. This was different. It was being inside of her on a whole other level. I was letting her breathe me in. I was breathing her in and she was the breath I needed to take for most of my life.

Everything bad went away in that moment. She soothed every scar, took away every bad memory. She made me better. My eyes were closed, but there was so much light around us. At least it felt that way, and it heated my skin. I was absorbing a healing heat and it spread through me like a euphoric fire.

I kissed her until we were out of breath and hanging on to each other. Then I broke the kiss, took a deep breath, and went in for more. I couldn’t get enough. She clung to the front of my shirt like I was her savior and I thought that was fitting since, in so many ways, she was mine. She was the sense of peace I’d been searching for in all the wrong places.

She pulled away and took another deep breath and licked at her lips. It drove me wild. She tasted me the same way I tasted her and I liked it. She pressed herself tightly against me. Her body fit to mine like she was made specifically for me, and I was beginning to think she was.

She leaned up and kissed me again and I let her take control. She pressed up into our kiss as she got up on her knees beside me. I reached behind her and hooked my hands to her hips. She was above me, around me, inside me, and then she shocked me when she slipped one leg over me and straddled my thighs.

I broke the kiss and looked up at her. The usual panic wasn’t there. Her eyes were wide and full of excitement. They had the same glazed-over look as a girl in the middle of sex. Her hair hung down into my face as she showered my lips and cheeks with her soft, panting breaths. She looked too far gone, but she’d looked similar that night at my house, the night she stopped me with tears on her cheeks. I couldn’t go through that again. I’d explode.

“Maybe we should slow down,” I said.

I wanted to laugh out loud at that, but I was too afraid of ruining the moment. It was such a chick thing to say, but I didn’t want to push her too far. We’d already established the fact that she was nothing like the girls I was usually with. The last thing I wanted to do was freak her out again.

“Do you want to slow down?” she asked. Her brows bent down in confusion.

“Hell no, but you freaked out last time and I don’t want that to happen again,” I said honestly.

I felt her body tense up a little and she looked down at me like she was about to lay a massive confession on me. The expression was there for a brief moment before it cleared.

“I’m sorry I get scared. I wish I didn’t, but it’s not something I can help.”

I hated the thought of her being afraid of anything. When she was with me, fear should be the last thing on her mind. Patience brought out a protective streak in me that would strike down anyone if it meant keeping her safe. So the idea that I put fear in her heart disgusted me.

She looked away from me like she’d said too much, but I laid my hands on her cheeks and forced her to look at me. Her fingers dug into my shirt and wounded eyes met mine.

“Don’t ever be scared with me. I’d never do anything to hurt you and I’d destroy anyone who tried.”

Two things happened after that.

One: I was smacked in the face with the realization that I had feelings for Patience. It sucked and Lord knows I tried to keep it from happening, but they were there seated deep inside of me where I couldn’t get to them to clean them away, and after that point, I wasn’t sure I wanted them gone anymore.

Two: She closed her eyes and a single tear slipped down her face as a tiny smile spread across her mouth. She laid her cool hands on my cheeks and looked down at me like I was everything I’d never be and then she leaned down and kissed me like her life depended on it.

A wave of relaxation went through her body and she collided with me emotionally. Her body melded into mine and I wasn’t sure where I ended and she began. Her hands were everywhere, in my hair, wrapped in my shirt as she tried to pull me closer, and then up my shirt against my skin.

Breaking the kiss, I leaned down and pressed my lips against the side of her neck. I sucked softly at the smooth skin just under her jaw. She gasped and her fingers dug into my sides. Her pulse was quick against my lips as I ran them down the side of her neck.

She was trembling, but not from fear or anxiety. She was shaking like a girl on the verge of a new experience. She responded much the same way that night at my house in my bed. I loved her responses. I’d never had a girl respond to me that way. She was shy, but still bursting at the seams, and I wanted her to let loose on me.

I ran my hands up her legs and grabbed on to her hips. I pulled her closer and she did the rest of the work as she began to press herself against me and move her hips back and forth.

A husky moan spilled from her lips and she let her head fall back with her eyes closed. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. I’d watched naked women pleasure themselves for me, but Patience was still fully clothed and she wasn’t doing this for me; she was doing this for herself. It was a massive turn-on.

I pushed up the bottom of her shirt and ran my fingers across her belly button. Her stomach moved in and out with her heavy breathing. My eyes crashed with hers when I looked back up. There was a tiny strain on her face, and I knew all too well what the strain was about. Her body was strung tight and if I knew anything, it was how to play a taut string. I wanted to release that tension in her and see relief on her beautiful face.

“Is this okay?” I asked when I let my hand move lower.

My voice cracked and it freaked me out how into this moment I was. Being with a girl wasn’t anything new for me, but Patience made me feel like some virginal fifteen-year-old punk. I can’t say I hated it, but it was different.

She bit her bottom lip and nodded her head yes. My hand slipped lower and I let my finger run just inside her jeans. The lacy top of her panties tickled the tips of my fingers and she made a tiny moaning noise that was probably the sexiest noise I’d ever heard a girl make. I was going slow with her, but going slow was kind of fun. I was teasing myself and teasing her at the same time. As much as I loved a quick, hard f*ck up against a wall, going slow with Patience was going to be amazing and I had the distinct feeling I’d remember being with her this way for the rest of my life.

I lifted my finger from her skin and smiled when she lifted her hips and brought her body back to my finger. She wasn’t speaking, but her body was talking for her. She wanted whatever I had to offer and at this very moment, I was offering everything I had.

With hesitant hands, she lifted my shirt and pulled it over my head. Her fingers ran across my shoulders and down my chest. Her hands felt amazing on my skin as she softly ran her fingertips over my abs. I reached down and unbuttoned her jeans. I wanted to feel her again.

“Can I touch you?” I asked breathlessly.

I’d asked the last time this happened with her. I wasn’t sure why I asked. I’d never asked a female permission for anything in my life, but the tiny voice in the back of my head, the one that was telling me to go slow, was also telling me that I needed permission to touch her. Initially, I just wanted her, but now, after just a tiny bit of touching, my body needed her. No other girl could soothe this ache. It was seated firmly in the pit of my pelvic area and the combination for its release was her touch.

“Yes, please.” Her voice was strained and hushed.

And it was like the answer to all my prayers. She let her head fall against my shoulder and I breathed in the scent of her hair. I slid my finger lower and let it dip into her moisture. She was so wet. I’d never felt so much moisture in a woman’s body and it was magnificent.

And then her mouth was on mine again and she kissed me hard. Little noises were pressed against my lips as I touched her with experienced fingers. She began softly panting my name and thrusting her hips. Her responsiveness was so sexy, innocent, but definitely sexy.

That was usually the point that I’d strip her the rest of the way naked and get mine, but something about the way she moved her body, her inexperienced movements… I liked making her feel good. As much I wanted my own personal release, I wanted hers more.

Looking up into her pleasure-filled face, her eyes opened and dug into mine. She leaned her head back and opened her mouth for extra air. She was so close; I could see the sweet ache on her face. Her breathing became erratic and she pulled me closer.

A raw sense of pleasure rippled over me when she started to whisper my name over and over again. Her fingers dug deeper into my shoulders and I felt her movements getting stiff. Then the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen happened. She bit down on her lip, threw her head back, and moaned out a long, soul-wrenching release.

Her expression was one of shock when she looked back down at me. Her flushed skin glowed in the moonlight as she came back to herself. I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ears. I went in for another kiss, but her expression changed suddenly and she looked like she was about to be sick.

“Oh my God, what did I do?” she asked.

Panic filled her eyes and she looked down at me like she’d never seen me before.

I didn’t know what was happening. I’d never seen a girl react this way before. She struggled to get out of my arms, but something told me if I let her go, I’d never see her again. She began to cry and push against my chest.

“Snowflake? What’s wrong? You did nothing wrong.” I tried to press my words past her shield of panic.

Still, she continued to look down at me like I was a stranger trying to attack her, and still, she beat against my chest as she tried to get free. I knew I should let her go, but suddenly the idea of not seeing her again made me feel crazy. I needed her to calm down. I wanted to talk this through with her.

“Snowflake! It’s me. It’s Zeke, and I’d never do anything to hurt you. Please, stop this,” I begged.

It was a first for me. I never begged, but she was now hyperventilating and I was scared she’d overdo it and pass out. I released her so she didn’t hurt herself and she jumped off of me and slammed her body against the passenger-side door.

She scratched at the door until she finally found the handle. Cold air rushed into my car when she popped the door open and jumped out. I followed behind her, but she didn’t get far before she ran straight into the arms of her dad. There were three police officers standing behind him.

The officers stared back at me like I was a wanted rapist. Her dad stared back at me like he wanted to kill me on the spot. And Patience looked back at me like she was begging me to save her.