Playing It Safe

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

I lock the front door behind me and slide down until my ass hits the hardwood floor. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when I officially lose it. I wrap my arms around my knees and cry myself into a stupor. I curse myself for giving him a chance, for giving us and even love a chance. It always comes back to bite me in the ass, and I don’t know why I even bother anymore.

This pity party of one goes on for a solid ten to fifteen minutes. It’s interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming outside and way too close to think anything other than it being in my driveway.

Dammit, Darren is checking up on me even after I told him I’d be fine. Which I totally am not, but he doesn’t need to know that.

His light knocking on my door gets me to stand up off the floor and peek through the peephole. To my surprise and absolute non-delight, it’s Alex.

This guy cannot be serious right now.

“Go home, Alex,” I shout through the door.

“Open the door, Julia,” he calmly says. “We need to talk.”

I rest my forehead against the cool wood and answer him. “There’s nothing to talk about. Please, just go home.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Fine, have it your way,” I say, my voice cracking slightly. “Have fun sleeping in your car.”

I peek through again to see him link his fingers behind his head and pace back and forth a few times. He stops suddenly and puts his hand on the door. I mirror him on my side as if we were having a prison visit.

I know, super cheesy. But when your heart is breaking, you tend to do shit that you would never do. Not in a million years.

“Julia, please … open the door.”

The soft tone of his voice somehow breaks through to me even though I vowed to myself while crying on the floor a few minutes ago that I didn’t want to see or talk to him again. So I undo the chain and turn the locks but don’t open the door. I scurry off to sit on the couch with my arms wrapped around my knees.

“It’s open,” I yell out to him.

I watch as the knob turns and Alex appears in my foyer, closing the door behind him. He silently walks over to where I am and sits beside me. Leaning forward, he puts his elbows on his knees and rests his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

“Why did you then?” Then I quickly add, “Not that it matters anymore.”

He turns his cheek to face me. “Because I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Wouldn’t understand what exactly? That you were going on another date with that … that girl? You’re right, I don’t understand.”

“It’s not what you think.” He quietly breathes out. “It wasn’t a date.”

“Alex, I’m not f*cking stupid. I saw you holding hands with her, remember?”

“No you didn’t.”

“Are you calling me a liar?” My voice is almost screeching. “I saw you with my own eyes.”

“No, you saw her reach over and grab my hand. What you didn’t see was my expression or hear what I was telling her as a result, which is what I’m trying to explain to you.”

“By all means, go ahead.”

“She did come on to me, but I told her I had a girlfriend and I would appreciate if she respected that.”

I laugh out loud. I can’t help it, it’s that goddamn funny. “You’re joking, right?”

“Not at all.”

“Okay, let’s assume for a moment that you’re telling me the truth about that.”

“I am.”

I shoot him a look, letting him know that he really need not interrupt me because it only pisses me off more than I already am. “Fine, whatever. Why were you out with her to begin with?”

He runs his hands through his hair again, some of it falling onto his forehead. With a long sigh he leans back and rests his head on the back of the couch. “She’s been calling and calling me since Josie’s party, and I was ignoring it until today when I decided enough was enough. So I called her to let her know we needed to talk. I swear I was telling her about us—that we’re together and that she needs to move on with her life already.”

He inches over to me then, placing his hand on my back, and I close my eyes at the contact. “Julia, I’m telling you the truth. Please believe me.”

“Alex, what happens when she calls again? Because you and I both know that she will.”

“She won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you.”

“Ugh, seriously, are you blind? She’s in love with you or infatuated with you, and she won’t stop until she’s with you.” He’s quiet, so I keep going. “Do you have any idea what it was like for me to see the man I love having dinner with the girl who called me trash and said I wasn’t good enough for you?”

Alex’s eyes widen in shock because I guess it never got back to him what happened at Josie’s party and how I ended up with this lovely reminder on my face.

“What did you just say?”

I point to my face. “This right here was caused by not paying attention because I was too busy eavesdropping on Marisa telling someone at the party how I was trash and not good enough for you.” And then as an afterthought I add, “Oh, and that she couldn’t believe we were dating at all and that it was basically only a matter of time before you’re with her.”

“I know. Vanessa told me all of that already. That’s not what I was asking about.”

“You knew about that and yet you still lied to me and went out with her?” My eyes roll up to the heavens in disbelief. “This shit just gets better and better.”


“I spoke to her about that and told her she needed to apologize.”

“Alex, if I ever see her again, I cannot be held accountable for what I do. So she can save the apology, and you can tell her in person because I have no doubt that you’ll be seeing her again.”

He grabs my chin then and tilts it toward him in a swift movement. “Enough, Julia. Go back and tell me what you said before.”

“When? What are you even talking about?”

“When you were telling me about what it was like for you tonight to see me with her.”

My hand shoots up and latches on to his wrist to pull him off of me, but he’s too strong for me. “You know what, Alex? I think it’s time for you to go because I’m done with this conversation.”

He grins at me before letting go of my chin and casually kicking back on my couch. “I’m not leaving.”

“You’re not leaving?”

“Nope.”

F*cking men! Jesus H. Christ, do they ever listen?

I stand up, so infuriated by him, and start to pace in front of the coffee table. Through my clenched teeth and in the quietest, calmest voice I can muster, I say to him again, “Please leave.”

“Like I said, I’m not leaving until you tell me what it was like for you to see me with her.”

Have you ever seen a cartoon where one of the characters has smoke blowing out of their ears? Or when they blow off the top of their head from anger or rage? That is exactly what I feel like when I start to shout at him. “Fine! You want to know what it was like? It was like a f*cking knife to the heart! I hated it and wanted to scratch her eyes out after I kicked your ass up and down Coconut Grove!”

He stands up and starts coming toward me when my tears make an appearance again. I put my hands up and walk backward until my back comes in contact with the nearest wall. Alex braces an arm by my head and the other by my hip, trapping me in place like a caged animal. And considering what my face probably looks like right now from all the waterproof mascara that is never really waterproof, it’s not a far stretch.

“That’s not what you said before, so how about I help you remember?” he coolly says. “You asked me if I could imagine what it was like to see the man I love with another woman.”

Dammit. I did say that out loud, didn’t I?

I wipe my eyes and don’t say a word. His eyes search my face until settling back on mine. “You love me.”

“So?”

I know, childish and immature, but I’m grasping at straws here.

“So, when were you going to tell me?”

“How about never?”

“Guess what, it’s half past never because you just did not five f*cking minutes ago.”

I try to dart out from under his arm, but he pulls me back against the wall and presses his body against mine. My hands shoot up and brace themselves against his chest, where I can feel his heart pounding away like a bass drum. His hands cup my face, and before I can think, feel, say, or do anything, his lips devour mine.

At first, my mind is blank and my body is a completely willing participant. It’s a rough, hair-pulling, and clothes-being-tugged kind of kiss, leaving no doubt in my mind that if it keeps up we’ll be f*cking against this wall in about ten seconds.

Then a flood of memories of the last man who broke my heart, Aiden, seeps into my thoughts. And that’s when I realize I need to stop this. I need to put distance between us. I cannot and will not let another man break me, especially when I’m so close to my breaking point already.

I pull his lips off of me and drop my hands, which were gripping his shirt for dear life. “You need to go now, Alex.”

His confused expression matches the tone of his voice. “Why?”

“Because I can’t do this anymore. I’m done … we’re done.”

“Are you kidding me, Julia?” Alex rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes before looking at me again. “You just told me you love me, and now you’re going to turn around and tell me to get lost?”

“You don’t get it, Alex,” I say. “I can’t trust you. You can explain until you’re blue in the face. But the fact remains that I saw you with her. I heard her, and I know other things that have made me see the light and call this for what it was—a mistake.”

“What other things?” he asks.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“F*ck if it doesn’t,” he says.

“I’m sure you won’t be lonely too long,” I say to him quietly. “Marisa is just a phone call away, isn’t she?”

“Can you please stop talking about her?”

“I bet she looks just like Katerina.” His eyebrows knit together in confusion as I keep on riding the runaway train that is bitchy Julia. “When you finally do f*ck her, I bet it will be like f*cking your dead fiancée. So it’s kind of a win-win situation for the both of you.”

As soon as the words are spoken, I immediately regret them. In my mind, I’m already trying to formulate excuses for myself, but I know without a doubt that there aren’t any. I willingly crossed the line, and there is no going back.

His face is stoic and his voice is calm when he says, “You mean like it was a win-win situation for me when I couldn’t f*ck Sabrina but f*cked you instead?”

Pow! Straight to the heart and the gut and the kisser.

But I deserve it and then some.

“Jesus Christ,” he says, his voice matching the expression of shock on his face. “Why the f*ck are you doing this?”

The tears start to flow, and he follows one stream down my cheek until it falls to the floor. He takes a few steps back and digs through his pockets for his keys. Once in his hand, he stares at me in quiet disbelief for a few seconds before heading toward the door.

“I came over here after you left me at the restaurant because I wanted to explain what happened. But I also came over here to tell you that I love you and that I would never do anything to hurt you again.” My stomach bottoms out to hear him say this to me, but he’s not done yet. “I hope you’re happy with what just happened here, Julia. Because you f*cking blew it for yourself.”

He slams the door behind him, and I hear his car pull out of my driveway shortly thereafter.

It’s then that I slide down the wall and collapse into a heap of tears and choking sobs. I tell myself I deserve it, that I did it all to myself, but it doesn’t ease the pain whatsoever. And adding to the pain is the knowledge that he loves me, and he’s right … I so blew it.