It’s like he’s holding up a picture of a life I could have had. But he just forgot to give it to me.
He rushes me, wrapping his arms around me as I fight him with everything I have and pushes me up against the closest wall. “I’m sorry,” he breathes, taking my face in his hands. “I’m sorry.” He presses his lips against mine briefly, before wiping away my tears and planting gentle kisses on my eyes, on my forehead, in my hair. He continues trying to calm me, but, I break down. Crying in the street like a woman possessed. I just can’t hold it in anymore.
My knees buckle, and I lean against him, crying into his shoulder as he holds me. He speaks to me softly. But I don’t hear a word. I’m just so lost in my own pain right now.
Eventually, I do calm down. We’re now sitting on the footpath, with people walking past us on their way either to, or from, the station.
“What happened to you Paige?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.
I push up from the ground and dust myself off. “No one saved me. That’s what happened.”
Standing beside me, he tries to look into my eyes. Although, I look everywhere but at him. “Let me make it all up to you. I never thought I’d see you again. I feel like fate has intervened somehow and is giving us a second chance. We can make this right – I can make this right.”
“I don’t believe in fate Matthew. We’re not meant to be together. I’m sorry for breaking down on you. I really shouldn’t have done that. I think I just took years of shit out of you, and that was wrong of me.” I step away from him, needing to end this. “I’m going to go now. I don’t want to see you again, so don’t follow me. And please don’t stop me. What we had. It’s gone now. On my side – it’s gone. Just… leave me alone. If you care about me even a little – leave. me. alone.”
“Paige. Don’t do this. I just found you again,” he pleads, as I take another step away.
“You didn’t find me. The girl you knew is so lost, she’ll never be found. You and I – we can’t happen. It’s impossible now.”
I turn and head toward the station, leaving the only man I’ve truly had real feelings for behind. As I ride the train home, I’m filled with nothing but regret. But that’s been my life so far – one giant ball filled with thousands of regrets.
That day with Matthew is probably the one piece of light amongst it all, but I still regret it. I regret everything.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Today, I turn 25. In my mind, that number is huge. I used to think that I wouldn’t make it through the night. So to be alive and turning a quarter of a century is an accomplishment in itself.
After seeing Matthew again, I decided to find another job. I wanted a life without any reminders of who I used to be. I wanted to put my old life behind me.
But that isn’t possible, when you’ve been around as much as I have, there’s always someone who’ll remember you. Every job I get, eventually someone comes in who remembers me. I deny it every time. I act like they’re wrong, and I have no idea what they’re talking about – but we both know I’m lying.
As a result, I’m thinking of leaving the country. I think it’s time to go and find my father.
I want to know who this ‘Daniel Ashdown’ is. The address for him on my birth certificate is in the UK. So I searched Facebook for every Daniel Ashdown on there and contacted them, asking them if they knew my mother.
Finally one replied, saying that he had, and everything is moving forward from there.
He’s agreed to meet me. I don’t know what meeting him will do. But I feel like I have to go.