“Check out is at 10:30.”
I nod and walk out into the dark of the early hours of the morning. The room isn’t far from reception, but anywhere, alone in the dark is scary as fuck. I hate being out on my own at night. I’ve hated it ever since I was forced to sleep out in the park. Every noise and every shadow puts me on high alert, and the sound of a door opening sends my heart racing so fast that I feel as if I might scream.
Without looking around me, I quicken my pace and locate my room, my shaking hand betraying me as it causes me to slip and miss the slot for the card.
Once I make it inside, I lean against the door and breathe heavily. Glad to be somewhere safe. After a few moments, I head straight for the bathroom, so I can see what’s been causing the stares.
“Oh wow,” I breathe out as my reflection greets me. My cheek is all red and swollen, and my right eye is slightly smaller than my left. A purple tinge is already developing, and I realise that I’m likely to get a good-sized bruise. A bruised face will limit my options even further.
“Fuck!” I cry and kick at the cupboard door. Tears burst from my eyes as if breaking through a dam, and my sobs echo off the tiles as they escape from my body while I finally let myself think about the events of the night. Why does this shit happen to me? Is it really that hard to have me around? Am I that hard to live with? To love?
I had thought I was in love with Jeff. I’d thought that maybe, he was in love with me too. But it was all a lie, and I was so fucking stupid to get sucked in - to think that someone actually cared about someone like me. I’ve probably had people laughing at me behind my back the entire time.
My own family didn’t care enough to keep me around. How could I possibly think that someone else could actually see something special in me? I was kidding myself.
I pull the bag of Es out of my pocket and count the pills, sliding them around in the plastic as I wonder if I should just take them all. Surely that would do it. No one would even know I was gone. No one would even claim my body.
I empty the pills into my hand and study them. As I do, I imagine what it will be like to swallow them all and let them carry me away from this earth – never to return. Blissful, I hope.
Staring at the pills in my palm, I’m frozen. “Just do it Paige. End it.” I urge myself.
I take three quick breaths and then cup my hand to my mouth, tossing the pills inside.
Instantly, my throat closes and I reflexively spit them into the sink. “I can’t!” I cry, spitting and heaving, trying to catch my breath. “Shit!” I hiss, kicking again at the vanity in front of me.
Now the pills were ruined. I was even worse off than I was a few moments ago.
I turn on the tap and splash cool water over my face as I breathe in some sort of calm. If I can’t end it, I need to find a way to look after myself.
But what kind of skill set do I have? None. Nothing at all that could get me any kind of work.
Then I remember Jeff telling me that a girl who is good in bed will always have somewhere to sleep.
I stare at myself in the mirror. Would I be able to make someone want to take me home with them? I try to see in my reflection something that men would find attractive.
I’ve been called beautiful before, but I don’t see what it is that’s beautiful about me. My eyes are fairly light in colour and my hair is so wildly curly, that I look slightly crazed.
I think I look a bit like a witch. But my lips are full and my breasts are on the large side, if I wear makeup and clothes to show them off, then I might be in with a chance.
Leaning close to the mirror, I huff out my breath and leave behind a circle of fog. Through it, my features are blurred. I can only see my body.