It was no longer just about me but about showing that my dad’s faith in me was founded. Part of me realized that I wasn’t handling my grief in a healthy way. That I was shoving it aside in favor of a dogged determination to succeed.
My social life was non-existent. Maysie was so immersed in all things Jordan and Generation Rejects that I rarely saw her. Gracie and I had developed a relationship built on wary mistrust. Our one time friendship deteriorating under the strain of her silent bitterness. Because she would never acknowledge how she felt about me. To everyone else, we appeared friendly. Two girls who got along.
But I felt the rift and it sucked. I didn’t know what to do about it. And the more time that passed, the larger the division between us became.
And with Gracie came Vivian, so there went fifty percent of my social interactions. So maybe it was more out of loneliness that I allowed Damien back into my world.
Whatever it was, he was there, like he had never left. I wish I could say it felt like finding something that I had been missing, but then I would be lying. It was more like stepping into a bath that was luke warm. Not really relaxing or comfortable, but it didn’t make you jump out and take a shower instead.
Crap, my metaphors were as bad as my reasoning.
“You coming to the Rejects’ gig tonight? It should be fun. This will be their last one before heading out on tour after Christmas,” Maysie asked me, deliberately ignoring Damien.
Damien squeezed in closer to me, at the mention of the band. Yep, he was still feeling very insecure about Garrett and it manifested rather noticeably whenever anything Generation Rejects related was mentioned.
I tried not to feel suffocated by the way he pressed against me. “Uh, I don’t think so. I’m off tonight and Damien and I were heading out to a poetry reading later,” I answered, trying to inch away from an overly clingy Damien.
Maysie caught my movement and eyed me knowingly. “Poetry reading? Come on, you can do boring shit any night. Jordan asked if you’d come,” Maysie needled.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I said, getting to my feet. I headed into the kitchen, knowing Maysie was hot on my heels.
“Come on, Ri. I’m not sure what you’re playing at right now, but the Riley Walker I know wouldn’t even breathe the same air as Damien after everything he put you through. If this is about Garrett”
I held my hand up, interrupting that line of thought before it could go any further.
“Don’t go there. Just don’t,” I warned, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.
Maysie sighed. “Riley, don’t make the same mistakes that I did. I almost lost the most important thing in my life because I had unrealistic expectations about my life and what a relationship should look like,” Maysie warned, pulling a bag of popcorn from the cabinet and putting it in the microwave. I didn’t say anything. Mostly because I was too busy processing the fact that at some point in all of this mess I called a life, our roles had reversed. Maysie had, unbeknownst to me, become the no nonsense voice of reason and I had become the screwed up head case with a bad case of I-can’t-make-up-my-mind.
I started to chew on the skin around my thumb. “I know I’m being a hypocrite. I know I’m not making any sense, but…” I let my words trail off. No reason to cut myself open completely. This conversation had me feeling way too vulnerable and touchy. I hated that my world had turned upside down because of a guy.
Somehow, someway, Garrett Bellows had gotten inside me. He was like a parasite, slowly sucking me dry. Whether I ignored his existence or not, he was still there, embedded in my intestinal track, draining me of all good sense.