Damien, emboldened by my seeming acceptance of his touch, put his arm around me. “And you will, Riley. If anyone can be something great, it’s you,” he said emphatically. His words, whether they were genuine or not, were exactly what I needed to hear.
Without thinking about what I was doing, I leaned in and kissed his mouth. Damien froze, as though worried that should he react in any way, I would bolt.
“Kiss me,” I whispered against his mouth, forcing down the sudden self-loathing that tasted like bile in the back of my throat.
What was I doing? I thought furiously to myself as Damien wrapped his arms around me, his fingers curling into the back of my hair the way he had done a thousand times before.
But his lips felt foreign against mine. As if they didn’t belong there anymore. It felt like kissing a stranger. Or someone I used to know but had long since outgrown.
I put those thoughts out of my mind and threw myself into kissing the boy who had so recently broken my heart. The boy I thought I would never get over until another boy came along and proved that perhaps I had never really given away my heart at all. Until him.
STOP! I screamed silently and pressed my lips so hard against Damien’s that I cut the sensitive tissue against my teeth.
Damien pulled back and looked at me questioningly. He had to know there was more to this kiss than me wanting him. That desire and love had absolutely nothing to do with it. That this was a kiss born out of guilt and confusion and a staunch denial of a part of me that needed to die a quick and silent death.
Damien rubbed his thumb along my bottom lip, which had started to bleed. “What was that about?” he asked quietly, his eyes troubled.
I jerked my head away and moved out of his grip, giving myself and my continued poor decision making some distance. “Why does it have to be about anything?” I asked with hostility, already feeling foolish.
Damien’s lips quirked into a sad smile. “Because with you, Ri, it’s always about something. I just hoped it would be about me,” he said and I knew I wasn’t being fair to him right now. Mostly because even as I tried not to, I couldn’t stop thinking of Garrett walking out of the bar with Gracie behind him.
I couldn’t stop imagining what they were doing. What they meant to each other. What I had meant to Garrett. I hated how much I cared. I didn’t want to care. I was sick of feeling! Emotions got me nowhere but up to my chin in hurt and pain.
I gripped the front of Damien’s shirt and pulled him angrily toward me. “Let’s not think about it okay,” I demanded him, wondering briefly if I was setting myself up for more rejection. But I knew by the way his eyes heated as he looked at me that there would be no refusal.
Damien Green wanted me in whatever way he could have me. And I was taking advantage of that. Willing to use his body to forget. To forget my life that had somehow careened off track.
“Okay,” Damien said huskily, his glasses sliding down his nose as he leaned in to kiss me again.
“Can I come home with you tonight?” I asked, trying not to feel like a piece of shit for what I was propositioning.
Damien licked his lips. “There’s nothing I want more,” he murmured, pulling his keys out of his pocket and taking my hand in his.
You’d think I would have learned something about ill-advised hookups from jumping into Garrett’s bed. They only lead to complete upheaval.
But I wanted to go back to a time when my world was what I wanted it to be. A time where my dad was still alive, my heart still in one piece and the boy who shared my life was safe and predictable.
“Let’s go,” I said, trying not hate myself as I followed Damien to his car.
“Hey, Riley. Hey Damien,” Maysie said with a tone that reeked of disapproval. Normally that was my mode of communication and it didn’t feel good hearing it come from Maysie Ardin of all people.
It was three weeks before the end of the semester. I had fallen into some form of a quasi relationship with Damien that wasn’t quite dating but not just friendship. I absolutely refused to give him the title of boyfriend, however.