Chapter 21
"There's a rule that you keep breaking." He's standing in the doorway of the bedroom, his pajama bottoms slung low on his hips. I can just see a few stray hairs poking over the waistband. Even like this in the dim light of the room, he's the most desirable man I'll ever lay eyes on.
"Whatever." I look back down at my tablet. "I need to become a prostitute I think."
"What?"
"I think I need to start turning tricks." That's hooker lingo, right? That's what they call it?
"You're the most fascinating person I've ever met." He's on the bed next to me now. "Where do you come up with all this bullshit that comes out of your mouth?"
"It's like this." I place the tablet on his lap and pull the sheet up to cover my breasts. "I look up apartment listings and on the side are all these advertisements for call girls."
"Call girls?" He glances down at the tablet. "You mean these listings asking for female models?"
"Yes." I nod. "That's code for prostitute." I pull air quotes around the last word for extra added emphasis.
"I'll pay you to f*ck me." He pulls the waistband of his pajamas down to reveal his cock. "You name the price. How much is your body worth?"
I wince at the words. We haven't spoke of the bet in weeks. It's become a difficult, and not constant, memory at this point. Suddenly, it's boiling inside of me again. I feel breathless at the reminder.
"Nathan." I push the sheet from my body and bounce to my feet. "I can't. No."
"Jessica. Jesus. Shit." He's on his feet too, racing around the bed. "Please, don't. F*ck, please don't run."
"I can't." I'm clawing at my throat. I feel as though I can't breathe. This must be what it's like to have a panic attack. I saw enough of them firsthand when I was an EMT to know the symptoms. "Nathan." I feel my legs collapsing and I reach for the side of the bed. He scoops me into his arms and lowers me to the floor before I have time to react.
"Jessica." His hands are around me and I'm resting against his chest. "Don't think about it."
"I can't help it." I press my hands to my temple to try and ward off the flood of thoughts. I'm assaulted with the image of my fist jarring into Drew's face, the smell of the bar, and the sound of Nathan's voice when he told me the amount of the bet. "I can't do this," I whimper. "Why did I think I could do this?"
"Jessica." He cradles my naked body in his lap as he leans against the bed. "You know I love you. You feel it."
"No." I shake my head violently from side-to-side. "I don't know."
"You feel it," he whispers in my ear. "Close your eyes, Jessica. Listen to me."
My head is telling my body to bolt from the room. It's pushing on me to race from his arms and this place. It's reminding me that his past is a cloud of secrets and women. There were so many women. My heart is winning. I can't move.
"You were wearing a beautiful dress when I first saw you at the club that night." His breath grazes across my neck. "I watched you walk in through the door. I had just paid my tab. I was getting ready to leave."
I nod. I didn't know that. I thought he was firmly entrenched on a stool at the bar waiting for someone he could take up to his room.
"I felt my knees go weak." He kisses my forehead. "Not weak like bullshit words weak, but really weak. I had to sit down. Do you know why?"
I shake my head against his chest as I feel my breathing slow down. "Tell me why."
"You were looking around the room. I was scared you were there to meet a guy. I was going to fight him for you."
I laugh at the idea. I was so scared that night. So unsure of what I was getting myself into.
"If I'd known you were a prize fighter I'd have gotten you to be my stand-in." I can feel his smile against my cheek. "I knew right then, at that club, that I'd never want anyone else in the world again."
"You're such a liar," I say the words into his chest.
"I don't lie to you, Jessica."
"You don't always tell me the truth either."
"That's different. I'm a lawyer. It's my job."
"You just wanted to f*ck me that night." I don't know how else to put it. Our entire relationship began with a conversation about f*cking each other.
"I wanted to take you into that room and never let you go." He runs his hand along my thigh. "I wanted to hide you away from the rest of the world so no one would see what I see."
"What do you see?" My breath hitches as the question leaves my lips.
"My everything. My life."
"You just say those things to get laid," I joke.
"I get up every day happy because somewhere in the world, I know you're there too." His voice cracks slightly at the admission. "I can't live without you, Jessica."
"You can," I counter. "You can live without me."
He shakes his head and pulls my body tighter into his. "If you leave me, I'm done. My heart goes with you."
"You said you don't do romantic, Nathan." I look up into his face.
"This isn't romance, Jessica." He pulls my hand to his lips and kisses my palm. "This is me, telling you, what I feel."
I stare at his lips as they touch my skin. "You're being serious?"
"Completely." He reaches down to brush his lips against mine. "I'd die for you, Jessica. I would jump in front of a subway train if it was going to hit you. I'd kill someone for hurting you. "He lowers his head and rubs his cheek against mine. "I'm not good with words. I want to be with you. However you'll have me."
"You know I'm scared of all of it." I don't have to define it. He knows. He's always known.
"I sometimes think about what my life would have been like if I knew you when I was a kid." The corners of his lips jump into a wide smile. "I never would have touched another woman. I never would have looked at anyone else. My heart would have been yours forever."
"You're romantic." I feel tears welling in the corner of my eyes. "You know that you are."
"I know that with you I have no barriers." He glides his hand over my thigh and up to my hip. "I know that I want to spend every moment I have left on this earth right here in this spot with you."
"We can't stay here forever."
"Not here, Jessica." He points to the floor. "Here." His hand grazes over my chest before resting on his own. "In my heart. In your heart."
"No pressure for anything more?" I cock a brow. "We take it slow and easy."
"You're going to marry me one day and we're going to have a baby." The words spill out so fast I have to stop to think about them.
"Nathan." I tap him on his nose. "That's not slow and easy."
"You're right." His lips glide across mine. "We'll take it however fast you want it, but you're moving in."
"Nathan." I try to sound angry but I can't. How can I when he's almost literally opening his chest so I can see what's in his heart and soul?
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. You have so much of your shit here. Clothes, shoes, gum wrappers, magazines." His fingertips brush across my cheek. "We're going to get the rest of your stuff tonight and you're living here. No arguments."
"No arguments," I agree as I pull his arms around me. "What will we do until then?"
"I can think of something." His hand lazily runs between my thighs.
"Nathan." The need is more pressing than it's ever been. If I don't do this now I may never do it.
"Jessica?" He tilts my chin up until I'm looking into his eyes. "What is it?"
"It's just that...I wanted to tell you." Shit, Jessica. It's just three words. You can do this. You feel it. You've felt it since he kissed you at the club. Okay, maybe back then that was lust, but who could blame you? Look at him, just look at his gorgeous face. He loves you. He really truly loves you.
"Jessica?" He repeats my name and I melt a little at the sound of it.
"I love you."
"I know."
"You know?"
"I've always f*cking known. You can't keep your goddamn hands off me."