He shrugged. “I have no clue, but I want to try.”
She looked away then, swallowing hard around the lump that was her heart in her throat. He wanted to try to fix what he had done, and Lord knew she wanted him to do it, but what would happen afterward? Before he could go on, their food came, but neither one touched it.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I fell trying to get between two girls and hurt my knee, then I went to the hospital, where they shot me up with pain-killers. I hooked up with my doctor, who took me home, and I spent the rest of my time with her.”
“Wow,” she muttered. “So while I was trying to get ahold of you, you moved on?” she snapped and he shook his head. She knew she was being difficult, but it was a hard pill to swallow. How could he have moved on? Why wasn’t she enough?
“No, I used her.”
Her eyes met his pleading ones. “Did it work?”
He shook his head. “Not at all.”
She should have been happy that it didn’t, but the pain in his eyes was gut-wrenching.
“I went home, got drunk, popped pills, and drank some more. I’d go to sleep with a bottle in my hand, wake up the next morning, and kill it before brushing my teeth. It was a vicious cycle. I lied over and over again to Karson and Lacey, telling them I was fine, when really, I was two seconds from drinking myself to death. I think at one point I even prayed for death.”
Everything just hurt for him; that wasn’t her Jordie. He loved life, or at least she thought he did. “Jordie,” she mumbled and he shrugged.
“I had nothing to live for.”
She shook her head. “You did. Yourself.”
He nodded. “You’re right, but I forgot that along the way. The only thing I cared about was forgetting you because I was too stupid to hold on to what was good in my life.”
Shocked, she leaned back in the booth and shook her head. Why hadn’t she seen how much he was hurting when she was with him? He was obviously using the drinking as a crutch, but she was having too much fun. When she realized she loved him, she freaked because she knew he wouldn’t love her. He couldn’t love her, and because of that, she didn’t look back. Then when he wouldn’t talk to her, she chalked it up to him being a dick, when really, he was hurting. Drowning in his own issues. But he wouldn’t let her in!
“Why did you shut me out?” she asked, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you reach out for me? I would have been there for you.”
“Because at the time, I thought I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
“Fine, but I would have been there as a friend.”
“I can’t be your friend, Kacey. I just can’t.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I feel too much for you, and it hurts to not have you be mine.”
“That’s stupid,” she snapped, her heart pounding in her chest. “So instead, you just shut me out? Break my heart in the process and drink yourself stupid?”
He nodded. “At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I mean, Kacey,” he paused, looking down and biting his lip. She watched him, this big, beautiful, burly man sitting across from her, and she could tell that he felt two feet tall. That it was taking everything out of him to sit there and admit all this to her. It was something she had never seen before because Jordie was a confident man. He was exuberant and full of life. Yeah, he drank—a lot—but it didn’t seem to have a hold on him. But when he’d snapped his leg in two, she could see that he was slowly submitting to the darkness. She should have said something, but the fear of his rejection had been too great.