He nodded. “Yeah, for ninety days. Elli made me.”
Kacey looked away, hating that he didn’t go for her. She knew he wouldn’t; she didn’t mean anything to him, apparently. But still, it hurt that he went because of Elli. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, since I already threw away everything that mattered because I was fucked in the head, all I had was hockey, and she threatened to take it from me.”
Oh. Well, didn’t she feel like a jerk. She assumed Elli had talked him into it, not threatened him. “Oh, wow.”
“She wasn’t playing. She had me in a group until a spot could open at the rehab ranch, but I was still drinking while going through the group, though.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t think I had a problem, because I thought it was stupid.”
Just then the waitress came back and they gave their orders, but Kacey instantly forgot what she ordered. Looking at him, she waited for him to continue. She knew there was more, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Those first days back, he’d looked so defeated, and while she’d assumed he was still fucking around and being him, he was actually fighting to be healthy. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t fucking around, that he had changed. She had to keep her wits about her. She couldn’t just jump across the table and cuddle him like she wanted.
Not only for him, but for her.
He looked across the table at her, catching her attention with those sullen brown eyes and shrugged. “I was wrong, obviously. Something I’m not proud to admit, but when you walked out that door back in Colorado, everything went to shit. Everything. I was drinking heavily, showing up to PT drunk, and then I went on this weekend in Louisiana that was a downright disaster. You’d think I’d learn from that, but I didn’t. I just drank and drank and drank.”
“Louisiana? When you got hurt?” she asked, her heart in her throat. She hadn’t realized he had gotten so bad. And why the hell hadn’t he called or returned her phone calls? She would have helped him, been there for him, but he’d pushed her away.
“Yeah,” he said, letting out a long breath and then slowly looking back up at her. “I went down there, met up with one of my old buddies. He had a party and I got shit-faced, high on some Molly that he had put in my drink without me knowing. And that was what Elli found out and used to send me to rehab.”
“Oh my God,” she gasped, her jaw dropping. “But you don’t do drugs.”
“You know that, I know that, even Elli knew that, but I put myself in a position to let it happen. Add in the fact that I was high, drunk, and fucking anyone who would have me, and the trip was not a success.”
She looked away and shook her head. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but it still hurt to know he’d been fucking around when she couldn’t even dream of sleeping with anyone. She knew he had. It was Jordie; his sex drive was like a sixteen-year-old’s, but still, why wasn’t he as broken as she was?
Because he didn’t love you! So what was he doing here?
“I know—disgusting. But I want to be honest.”
She looked up. “Well, it hurts ’cause while you were off fucking everything, I was borderline depressed, losing a child, and fighting for an Olympic medal—all while still loving you so much it hurt,” she said sharply, her throat thick. “So yeah, it sucks hearing you be honest.”
He looked away first, pulling in a breath and letting it out. “Want me to lie and tell you that I left you because I didn’t want you?”
She bit into her lip as she shook her head. “No, I want the truth.”
“Good, ’cause I was gonna give it to you anyway,” he said, looking up at her. “I know it hurts—it hurts me rehashing it, but we can’t move forward without me fixing what I did.”
Her brow raised. “You can fix it?”