He didn’t deserve anyone.
Rushing through the living room, he noticed that Mena Jane was in her bassinet and almost stopped, but he knew he wouldn’t leave if he did. He had to get out of there. The walls were closing in on him, his heart hurt, and playing his guitar wasn’t helping at all. Nothing was. He wanted to find Kacey, try to apologize again, but like she said, it wasn’t enough. The thing was, he didn’t know what was enough for her. He had never cared enough to want to figure that out. Even at the moment, he didn’t want to know. He just wanted to stop hurting.
When he went to cut through the kitchen, Lacey’s voice stopped him. “Jordie, you need to tell her.”
He shook his head. “Later, and let me do it.”
“Okay.”
“I’m serious, Lacey. Don’t you tell her anything. I’ll do it when I’m ready.”
She didn’t agree, but he didn’t have to look at her to know she’d do what he asked. They’d grown closer over the weekend and he trusted her. When she cleared her throat, he closed his eyes, knowing what she was about to ask.
“Where are you going?
His hand was on the doorknob, he was ready to flee, but he knew he owed her an answer as to whether he’d be back. Still, he didn’t turn to look at her. He didn’t want her to see the tears in his eyes, the defeat and utter emptiness he felt. “Out.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know,” he said roughly as he let out a long breath. “I need to just go.”
“Will you come back?”
He nodded and pulled the door open. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”
“And you won’t go out for a drink?” she asked then, causing him to pause.
He wanted to turn and say he’d never do such a thing.
But that would make him a liar.
Ignoring her last question, he told her bye and slammed the door shut before heading to his truck. Getting in, he went around the two cars in the driveway and ignored Lacey as she tried to wave him down from the porch. Speeding down their street, he hit the main road and couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears fell down his face, wetting his beard and splattering all over his black tee. He couldn’t believe he had done what he did to her.
She had been pregnant.
And alone.
If he hadn’t been so fucked up and trying so hard to forget her, he would have been there for her. He would have married her on the spot so her dad and Karson wouldn’t have killed him…and because he loved her. Maybe then she wouldn’t have lost the baby. It was probably the stress of him being a complete dick that didn’t allow her body to hold on to their child. It was his fault. Everything, her heartache, her anger, their loss, he caused it all. When the hell did he ever do anything right?
He was a fucking screw-up.
Blinking away the tears, he sucked in a breath before turning his music all the way up. Just to get lost. Just to forget what had happened back there, but there was no forgetting the pure hatred in her eyes. Or forgetting the way she said she’d loved him. Past tense. No, Kacey didn’t love him anymore. How could she? He’d broken her heart because he was a selfish drunk.
And man, he wanted a drink so bad.
Pulling into the liquor store parking lot, he didn’t even hesitate. He got out and marched into the store, despite his shaking hands and the erratic beat of his heart. His heart was telling him not to do it, to go get a milk shake instead, but his mind was telling him to forget. He had to forget. This wasn’t his first time in this store; it was one of his favorite ones because his drink was right on the counter. Reaching for a bottle of Jack, he threw a twenty down before turning away. For some reason, he didn’t want the cashier to judge him. He felt she knew that he was trying to recover, and he didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.