The two hours they were gone I had to sit my ass on that steel trap door of mine to keep it closed. Or I wouldn’t be able to breathe.
When I heard the apartment door open everything felt lethargic, like we were moving underwater, struggling slowly against the weight. The sitting room door opened and Braden walked in, his face so pale and eyes so glazed, that I knew before I even looked at a tear-streaked Ellie. I knew what fear felt like when it was pulsing from a person, I knew how grief could thicken the air, how it could slam into your chest and cause pain through your whole body. Your eyes, your head, your arms, your legs, even your gums.
“They found something. A tumor. ”
My eyes flew to Ellie and she shrugged at me, her mouth trembling. “They’ve referred me to a neurologist, Dr. Dunham at The Western General. I’ve to go in and speak with him tomorrow about everything. About the next step. Whether it’s surgery. Whether it’s malignant or not,” Ellie finished.
This was not happening.
How had I let this happen?
I took a step back, confused, angry, disbelieving that this was happening again.
It was all my fault.
I’d let them in, I’d broken my rules, and I was back at square fucking one!
Shit.
Shit!
SHIT!
But the terrified screams only echoed in my head. To Ellie I gave her a stoic nod. “You’ll be fine. We don’t know anything yet.”
But I knew. I knew. I was a curse. I knew I couldn’t be this happy. I knew that something bad would happen. What had I done to Ellie?
Ellie? I hurt for her. I wanted to take away her fear. I wanted her to be okay.
But I didn’t do any of that.
Instead I shoved her under my steel trap door. “I’ve got my shift at the bar tonight. I’m going to get in some gym time before then.” I nodded at them robotically and made to move past them.
“Jocelyn?” Braden grabbed my arm, his eyes full of apprehension and fear. And disbelief at my attitude. He needed me.
I didn’t want to need him.
I tugged my arm back gently and gave him a brittle smile. “I’ll see you both later.”
And then I walked out, leaving them alone with their fears.
***
I didn’t go to the gym. I went to Edinburgh Castle before it closed. The walk up the Royal Mile to Castlehill was brisk and frosty, the cold biting into my cheeks, my lungs seeming to work extra hard against the winter air. Once I crossed the drawbridge, I paid for my ticket, and then strolled under the stone arch and took the pebbled walkway that swept upwards on the right. I headed on up the main thoroughfare, and sketched right to the castle walls. There I stopped, standing by Mons Meg, one of the world’s oldest cannons, and together we stared out over the city. Even in the slightly misty frost, the city was breathtaking from here. I paid the not so inexpensive entry fee to the castle just for this view. And I guess for the majesty of it all. It was where I believed I could find a little peace, and I did this whenever I panicked about never, ever finding the long-lasting peace I sought. Today I needed this.
Blazing through the last few months, burying my head in the sand, pretending there weren’t consequences to loving people, had gotten me where I was. Only six months of making the change into the ‘new me’ and the floor had been ripped out from underneath me again.
That was selfish.
I knew that.
Ellie was the one suffering here, not me.
But that wasn’t true either.
Ellie Carmichael was one of a kind. She was sweet, kind, sort of goofy, funny, big-hearted… and my family. The first family I’d had since losing my own. I felt protective of her, I hurt when she hurt, I thought about her happiness, and what I could to do to help her get whatever would make her happy. Not even my relationship with Rhian had been as close.
I was almost as close with Ellie as I had been with Dru.
And now I was going to lose Ellie as well.
I sunk down to the ice-cold stone ground beside the cannon and wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to choke out the pain. It occurred to me that if I rewrote it all in my head, then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe, Ellie and I weren’t that close. Maybe we never had been. If that were true, then losing her would be okay.
I jumped suddenly at the sound of my cell ringing. Stomach leaden with dread, I pulled it out and exhaled in relief when I saw it was Rhian calling.
“Hey,” I answered hoarsely.
“Yo, bitch,” Rhian called down the line, sounding surprisingly chipper. “How’s it hanging? I’m just calling to let you know that James and I are flying into Edinburgh in three days and then heading through to Falkirk to stay with his mum over Christmas. We’re going to nip into see you before we get the train, so I need your address, hon.”
Awful timing. “Things are kind of weird at the apartment at the moment. Can I meet you for coffee instead?”
“Jesus, Joss, you sound like hell. Is everything okay?”