“And what did he say?”
“That Nicholas wasn’t good enough for me and if I’d stop acting like a petulant child he’d stop being overbearing.”
Guy was good. I laughed humorlessly. “Nice way of side-stepping the actual question, huh?”
“Well you’d know all about that,” she grumped.
I snorted. “Meow.”
Ellie groaned. “Oh, God, Joss, I’m sorry. I’m acting like such a bitch.”
“I find it charming. Really.”
She giggled and shook her head, her eyes drooping tiredly. “You’re crazy.” She stood up. “But I love you.” She yawned as I froze in place at her words. “I need my bed. We’ll talk in the morning, try to make sense of Adam’s nonsense, yeah?”
But I love you. “Uh… yeah,” I replied, dazed.
“Night.”
“Night.”
But I love you…
... “Come on,” I begged Dru. “It’ll be fun. Kyle will be there.”
Dru eyed me doubtfully. “I totally embarrassed myself at the last kegger, Joss, and that didn’t involve having to wear a bikini.”
I rolled my eyes. “We all embarrassed ourselves at the last kegger. That’s kind of the point. Come on. Nate will be there and I really want to hang out with him tonight.”
“You mean hook up with him?”
I shrugged.
“Joss, maybe we should sit this one out. We’ve been going to a lot of parties lately.”
Grinning, I hooked an arm around her neck and drew her to my side. “We’re kids. We’re supposed to party.” I need to party. I need to forget. “And I don’t want to party without you. I’ll tell you what? I’ll even upchuck on a JV cheerleader for you. That way, no matter what you do, I’ll still have committed the most treasonous act of the evening.”
Dru laughed, hugging me close. “You’re crazy… but I love you.”
…The walls closed in on me as my chest squeezed tight. I wheezed trying to draw breath.
I was dying.
The panic attack lasted longer this time, those words refusing to allow me to focus.
Eventually, I struggled through to reality, pushing the memories back and allowing my body to breathe.
When it was over, I wanted to cry more than I had ever wanted to cry in a long time. But crying would only make me weak. Instead I stood up on shaky legs and tread the memories into the kitchen tiles. By the time I changed and slid into bed I pretended it was all forgotten.
***
“You had another panic attack?” the good doctor asked softly.
Why had I mentioned it? Nothing good could come of it. She’d never be able to put a spin on what happened. “Yeah, it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter, Joss. What triggered this one?”
I stared at my feet. “My friend.”
“Which one?”
My best friend. “Dru.”
“You haven’t mentioned Dru before.”
“No.”
“Why did Dru trigger a panic attack, Joss?”
My eyes slowly lifted to her, raw pain burning through me. “Because she died.” I sucked in a deep breath. “And it’s my fault.”
***
I woke up just before noon and was immediately blasted by memories of the night before. Memories of Braden and the taste of what was possible between us. In an effort to forget, I spent lunch talking around in circles about Adam with Ellie, and fighting off the nerves that kept zinging in my belly every time I thought about Braden’s promise to come see me that night.
I was just getting ready to head in for a bath when Ellie’s phone beeped and she cursed as she scrolled through a message.
“What?” I asked lazily, as I put away our lunch dishes.
“Braden’s been pulled into the office again, he’s missing another family dinner. I’ll have to put up with twenty questions from my mum asking if he’s alright.”
I ignored the disappointed pang in my chest. If Braden was working tonight he wouldn’t be coming over after all. I should be freaking rejoicing. “Your mom really looks out for him, huh?”
“Well Braden’s mum is a selfish, vain, money-grabbing witch who flitted in and out of his life whenever it suited her. He hasn’t seen her in years. So… yes. My mum looks out for him because his own mum doesn’t.”
How could his mother not care about him? He was Braden Carmichael for Christ sake. “That’s unbelievable. I can’t imagine doing that to my own kid.” Not that I’d be having any.
Ellie gave me her sad eyes. “Braden looks a lot like our dad. Braden’s mum, Evelyn, really loved him. He ended things with her abruptly. Settled some money on her. When she told him she was pregnant, he said he’d look after Braden, but he didn’t want anything to do with her. When she looks at Braden, all she sees is the man who broke her heart and so she’s never been very loving. Ever. Braden spent the school years at home in Edinburgh with a distant but controlling father, and his summers flying around Europe watching his mum hook up with rich idiots who didn’t have time for kids.”
My heart ached for little boy Braden.