I felt Braden kiss my hair, his grip on my arm so tight it almost hurt. “Babe, I’m so sorry.”
“Shit happens right?” I swiped quickly at the tears. “One day I was sitting in class and the police came to tell me that my dad had swerved into a truck to avoid a motorcyclist who’d come off his bike. Gone. Mom. Dad. Beth. I lost my parents and I lost a little girl I hadn’t really had a chance to get to know. Though I knew enough to know that I adored her. I knew she would cry if she couldn’t see her favorite teddy bear—this ratty old brown bear with a blue ribbon around his neck that used to mine and still smelled like me. His name was Ted. Original, I know. I knew that she had a sophisticated taste in music because all you had to do to stop her from crying was play Mmmbop by Hanson.” I laughed sadly at the memory. “I knew that when I was having a bad day, all I had to do was pick her up, hold her close, smell her skin, feeling her tiny warmth against me and know that everything was okay…
I went off the rails when I lost them. My first foster home was full of other kids, so my foster parents barely even noticed I was alive, which was fine by me since it meant I could do whatever I wanted. The only thing that numbed everything was doing stupid shit that made me feel like crap about myself. Lost my virginity too young, drank way too much. Then after Dru died, I just stopped. I was moved to another foster home on the other side of town. They didn’t have much, but there was less kids there and one kid in particular who was pretty cool. She wanted a big sister though…” I sucked in breath, feeling the guilt wash over me all over again. “I didn’t want to be anything to anybody. She needed someone, and I didn’t give it to her. I don’t even know what happened to her after I left.” I shook my head regretfully and sighed. “When I was there, I went to a couple of parties over the years, not a lot. Always ended up with some guy I didn’t know or care to know.” I heaved a sick sigh. “Truth is, I went out on the same night every year. To a party, to a bar. It didn’t matter as long as it helped me forget. I’ve spent eight years burying my family, pretending they never existed, because yeah – like you said – it was easier to pretend I’d never had them, than to deal with how much it hurt to lose them. I realize now how unfair that was to them. To the memory of them.” I clenched my jaw to stem the tears, but they spilled over anyway, dripping onto Braden’s chest. “The one night I went out was the anniversary of their death. But I stopped doing that when I was eighteen. I went out that night and I went to a party and I can’t remember anything that happened after I arrived. I woke up the next day and I was naked in bed with two guys I didn’t know.”
Braden cursed low under his breath. “Jocelyn.”
He was belatedly angry I know. “Believe me, I’ve been there. I was furious at myself, violated, scared. Anything could have happened to me. And sexually…”
“Don’t.”
I stopped at his scary tone. “I got checked out and those guys hadn’t given me anything, thank God. But I never slept with anyone again. Until you.”
Another tight squeeze for that one.
“I might never stop fearing tomorrow, Braden,” I admitted calmly. “The future and what it can take from me, scares me. And sometimes I freak out, and sometimes my freak-outs hurt the people closest to me.”
“I understand that. I can deal with it. You have to trust me.”
“I thought you were the one with the trust issues,” I grumbled.
“I trust you, babe. You don’t see yourself the way I see you.”
I traced a little ‘J’ on his chest. “I do trust you. I just didn’t expect Ellie to lie to me, so I took her word as gold. I’m sorry.”
Braden let go of his breath. “I love you, Jocelyn. These last few weeks have been a nightmare for more reasons than one.”
I thought of the long-legged blonde that had put me through hell. “And Isla?”
“I swear I never slept with her.”
“Did anything happen?”
His chest froze beneath me.
“Braden?”
He sighed heavily. “Yesterday she kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back. I pushed her off and told her about you.”
I was silent a moment and then I replied decisively, “You have to fire her.”
Braden snorted. “Are you finally admitting you love me?”
“I can’t promise it’ll be easy, Braden. I’ll probably always be a little irrational about the future. I’ll worry a lot.”
“I told you I can handle it, babe.”
“Why?”