“Joss, they seemed into each other.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to believe it, but they were flirting and Braden was… was very attentive. They seemed… close.”
Jealousy is a horrible thing. The pain of it is almost as consuming as heartbreak, and I would know because I was feeling both at the same time. I felt like someone had ripped open my chest with their bare hands, removed my heart and lungs, and replaced them with a bunch of rocks and stones. I stared at the Christmas tree, my mind whirring. This was why he hadn’t been around lately.
“Joss?” Ellie touched my arm.
I looked at her, determined I wasn’t going to cry. I gave her a sad smile. “I guess I was right all along then.”
Ellie began to shake her head.
“No this is good.” I stood up, needing to be alone. “I broke up with him because he deserves to find someone decent and normal. And now I don’t have to feel guilty about it because I was right all along. He doesn’t love me. You’re not into someone else after just breaking up with the love of your life, right? This is good.” I moved towards the sitting room door and heard Ellie scrambling out of her seat.
“No!” Ellie hissed. “That’s not what it is, or why I told you.” She followed me into the hall but I wasn’t really listening since I had a lot of blood rushing in my ears. “Joss, I told you so you’d stop messing around and just be with him again. Listen, I may-” I slammed the door in her face.
“Joss.” She banged on it.
“Night, Els!”
“Shit,” I heard her mutter and then her footsteps faded away.
I tried. I really did. But when I curled up in my bed, I couldn’t stop the tears.
24
“Ellie’s surgery is tomorrow.”
Dr. Pritchard nodded. “You’re nervous?”
I nodded, my stomach churning. “Her surgeon has great credentials and he’s really confident that this is fairly straight-forward for brain surgery, but I’m still worried.”
“That’s only natural.”
I exhaled slowly, the exhale turning into a small smile. “I’m booked onto a flight to Virginia at the end of January. I’m flying out there after Ellie’s two week recovery at home.”
Dr. Pritchard eyebrows hit her hairline. “Oh? What prompted this?”
Ellie’s bravery and Braden moving on. “Braden’s met someone, just like I wanted him to. But Ellie is really the one who gave me the courage. She’s been really brave about everything and we were sitting talking last night, and there she is with this huge surgery ahead of her and she’s worrying about me, worrying that if I don’t start facing up to my past, I’ll never get better.”
Dr. Pritchard gave me a sad smile. “Ellie convinced you in one conversation to do what I’ve been trying to get you to do for almost six months?”
“I guess you needed to be diagnosed with something scary and be really brave about it so I’d feel like the worst kind of coward.”
“I’ll need to add that to my repertoire.”
I laughed, that laughter trailing off into tense silence. “I’m scared,” I finally admitted. “I have my family’s things in storage. I’m going over to visit their graves and maybe finally do something about all that stuff.”
“You never told me you kept all of their things.”
“Yeah. Put it in storage and pretended like it didn’t exist.”
“This is a really good step you’re taking, Joss.”
“Yeah. I hope so.”
She frowned now. “Braden’s met someone?”
I ignored the pain. “It’s what I wanted.”
“Joss, I know you told yourself that, but still it can’t be easy to see him with someone new so soon. Especially after chasing you and promising you that he wouldn’t give up.”
“It just proves me right. He doesn’t love me.”
“And he’s definitely seeing this new woman? There’s no misunderstanding?”
“Not according to Ellie.”
“Then a trip to Virginia might be exactly what you need right now.”
“Oh it’s not a trip.” I shook my head. “Well, it is and isn’t. I’m thinking of moving back permanently once I know Ellie’s going to be okay. I’m going to shop around for a place when I get there and come back to Edinburgh and sort out my affairs…”
Dr. Pritchard shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought Edinburgh was your home? I thought Ellie was your family?”
“Ellie is my family. She always will be.” I smiled sadly. “I can’t watch him be with someone else,” I admitted. “He was wearing me down all right. You, Ellie, him. All of you were wearing me down about it. You don’t think I know chasing him off is irrational?” I found myself raising my voice. “I know it’s irrational. I couldn’t stop myself—it was like someone else was inside me, pushing him away because I was so terrified of losing him.”
“Joss,” the good doctor’s voice was soft, soothing, “Irrational, yes, but understandable. You suffered a lot of loss as a young girl. Braden knows exactly what you were doing. That’s why he wasn’t giving up.”
“He gave up at the sight of the first long pair of legs that came along.”